Getting close

It seems like I spend some time every morning thinking of a new way to say how close we are. Yesterday there were several: "32 days," "next month," "three weeks until my parents arrive," "two weeks until we're in the two-week window." And, my personal favorite, "less time than has passed since Clara's baptism," because that seems like it was just yesterday!

I'm currently 35-and-a-half weeks. Tomorrow starts my weekly OB appointments, with next week's appointment being a biggy. That's when my doctor will, hopefully, be able to check to see if she feels the baby's head. The baby's head! The reason for this is to see if he's still breech but, to me, the excitement is over finding out there's actually a real human baby in there! With a head...that she can feel. (And hopefully it's not feet she feels, or else we might be scheduling a tentative c-section for 39 weeks.)

I'm starting to feel a little better, but I honestly think it's actually because my body is adjusting and I'm getting used to it. I know what to do when back pain, heartburn and side pain strike. But - and there's a TMI warning on this one - I have developed a new favorite third-trimester symptom... peeing myself. Sorry! It happens when I sneeze or cough. I actually have to laugh every time it happens!

I have heard the baby's movement sometimes lessens at this point, because they are running out of room, but my little guy seems more active than ever. I feel what I think are feet on my right, a butt in the middle up high, and (maybe this is wishful thinking) hopefully a head causing some pressure down low. I love it! I could sit there and watch him move all day.

And, as the end nears, it still never gets old thinking about how long we waited for this and the impossibility of it all. We walked around in a daze those first few weeks after getting a positive test, something we never thought possible (not after more than five years...there were even statistics that supported my pessimism!). While the daze has (somewhat) lifted, it's still totally unbelievable to us. We think constantly about what we were doing last year this time, how depressed I was, how hopeless I thought life was going to be for the remainder of my time on the planet. Soon it will be one year since we received a message from a stranger while in adoration. Then, about a week later, it will be one year since Clara came into the world at only 30 weeks (something we didn't know was happening at the time). A month after that, we'll remember the anniversary of getting "the call" (actually it wasn't so much "the call" as it was "the Facebook message" from a fellow blogger..haha!). And, of course, there will be the first anniversary of laying eyes on our daughter for the very first time.

Soon, those thoughts will turn into "what we were doing two years ago" and infertility will fade further and further into the past. It's inevitable. And, after all, it was always my prayer that it would. I am so blessed in that I don't feel the sting of it anymore. And the pregnancy didn't erase it; it was already gone when we brought home little Clara. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it was for me and for that I am forever grateful.

Of course, I can call to mind those feelings at the drop of a hat. I'll never forget them and infertility will always be a part of my past (not to mention I will always have all my old blog posts to remind me of how terribly dark and distraught I was). I don't know why it was in God's plan to bless me and my husband in the way that He did, just like I don't know why He allowed us to suffer so deeply for so many years (another form of a blessing, I might add). Or why so many others still do.

I must cut this post off since I can't sit much longer (trust me, it's a pain that reminds me of my abundant blessings and I always offer it up for all of you still waiting). But before I go, here are a couple pictures of my little Clara on Halloween.

And speaking of what we were doing last year, I'm sure Sophie is relieved that I finally have a human baby to dress up instead of her...