To my baby

My Clara,

You fell asleep on me tonight and I just stared at you, your puffy red lips still sucking on an imaginary bottle.

You were fussy this evening. I'm pretty sure it was because you're teething - your first tooth has been slowly rising from your bottom gum for more than a week now - and all you wanted was to be held. I'd put you down by your toys and sit by you on the floor, only to have you climb right back onto my lap and into my arms.

I don't like that you're hurting, of course, but I'm happy to comfort my baby girl. And it reminds me that I'm your mama.

This made me cry tonight, thinking about how much you need me. Your daddy tells me all the time that I'm your whole world. I always tell him how much you love everyone - your dada, your dog, your cat, your Nana, your Grandma, your grandpas. But he insists you know I'm your mama and love me most of all.

I love you most of all. I'm so blessed to be your mama. I love seeing you first thing in the morning when you're so happy and, lately, so loud. I love watching you play, talking away to your toys. I love how you hold your bottle with your left hand, wave your squeaky bunny with your right, and play with your ball between your feet, all at the same time. I love how you play in your crib when you're supposed to be napping. I love how you explore, how you're never afraid, how you have an enormous personality in such a teeny tiny body. I love your smile, your laugh, your wavy hair, your big brown eyes. But more than anything I love being your mama.

I'll remember this time, when it was just the two of us girls, forever. But you will just have pictures. You won't have any memory of being an only child, of being my whole world, before you had to share me with your brother and, some day, maybe more siblings as well.

We thought it'd be just you and us for a while. I was happy to only ever have you, if God had wanted it that way. I never thought we'd have a mere two-and-a-half months before a baby started growing in my womb.

I have felt guilty that your first year was with your mama tired, nauseous, sore. But you are always my first priority. And you have been so understanding. You don't want anything from me other than food and love and a clean diaper.

In two short months from now you'll, God willing, have a baby brother. You'll be a big sister. I know you'll absolutely love him. Even though you don't really know he's in there, you kiss my belly, which amazes me since no one ever showed you what to do. I made sure to get it on video to show you one day when you don't think you want him anymore.

I cried tonight while you slept in my arms, but I wasn't sad. I'm so excited to meet your brother, who I know will be your baby from the moment you can say it. But I can't believe our time, my time, with just you is already coming to a close. The time when you taught me how to be a mommy.

No matter how many brothers and sisters you have, you will always be my baby, my daughter, my firstborn, the love of my life. And I'll always be your mama.