I've been feeling really blah lately and on edge and I'm not quite sure why. I know it's probably due (like everything else) to my hormones, but I don't know what hormones would be doing this right now. I don't usually feel this way for like three more weeks.
Who knows. Maybe it's my complete lack of carbs this week. Can eating super healthy put you in a bad mood? I'm not hungry or feeling deprived, so I don't think that's it.
I am sore from playing basketball yesterday and can barely move. It was really fun and I got a great work out (really good for my week-long diet), but I think being sore puts me in a bad mood, so that could be it.
It might also have something to do with church this morning. I'm really praying Ryan can get off of weekends at some point so we can start going to the Saturday evening Mass. I don't know how much longer I can take Sunday morning Masses full of pregnant women (on their second or third or seventh) and babies everywhere. It often ruins my whole day. I can't concentrate on Mass, and it makes the entire experience depressing. I don't want Mass to be a negative thing for me, but it often is. I don't like passing pregnant women for a split second in the grocery store, let alone having to sit behind them for over an hour in church with no where to go.
I know there is probably something redemptive about suffering in Mass of all places, but that just isn't doing it for me right now. I'd rather remove myself from the situation, worship alongside an older crowd, and be able to concentrate.
Ughhhh. I am trying to talk myself out of this bad mood. I'm trying to remind myself that I'll get through this, just like I have for the past five years. When I think I can't endure one more day of it, I do. We wake up and we keep going, thanks to the grace of God.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Down
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i'm so down right now, too. i'm wondering if this is ever going to happen. deep in my heart i feel it is, but my head just can't comprehend success after so many failures. but God is good and He'll make a way. God bless and i'll be Praying you feel better soon. i don't comment that often but i read your blog daily : )
ReplyDeleteIt'd totslly oksy to br bummed and depressed. I just finished crying about an hour ago over reading a catholic forum on miscarriage and women sad over the loss of one baby(I've lost 4...sniff). I left feeling guilty because I have children, regardless of my losses. I think of you often and pray that you will have that gift you so desire. I know how I felt during Mass, seeing all the new babies a few weeks ago, my heart hurts thinking of what you go through. I don't want to make you sad, just know that you are admired and prayed for often. God bless and hope you have a meaningful Holy Week.
ReplyDeleteI'm so with you... I have those moments all the time. (Usually in Mass or Target!) There's nothing else to say except that they're just hard to deal with. I'm praying for you! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI think its okay to find a mass that is peaceful for you.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are talking about, and yes, it does help when you at least have your spouse's hand to hold on to ... and to leave with, then go out to lunch or something to take your mind off things. When you're alone, things fester, and emotions can get out of control.
I don't think God would want us to be hurting every time we come to His table, it is supposed to be a place of spiritual renewal and refreshment.
Is there another mass (maybe less convenient time-wise) that you can go to, even perhaps at a different parish, at least for a few weeks, until you can get through this time of deep pain? P and I recently had to switch parishes (for many reasons, but this was one of them), and now I am feeling so much more peaceful during the mass. (well for one, it's quiet. The constant screams of infants and toddlers can be quite disruptive, and ESPECIALLY for an infertile!)
I pray that God consoles us all right now. And that you will feel His nearness during what feels like a dark night.
i really hate going to mass without my husband. we go to the 10am mass on sunday and it's always full of kids. until recently it was called the children's mass because it had children's liturgy, but since we no longer have a "quiet room" the parish has also added a children's liturgy at other masses.
ReplyDeletei remember loving the 10am mass because of all the babies. we would laugh at the kids running around and their parents trying to catch them. my husband loves to laugh at the babies that seem to scream to one another from across the church. but now, after almost four years of being infertile, it just hurts. it's also especially painful when i see couples that were married after us with little babies!
i agree with LH, is there another mass or another parish that you can go to for a little while? i wish that i didn't have so many commitments at my present mass sometimes so i could go when there are less fertiles around.
you're in my prayers, i hope that you feel better soon.
I just said a prayer for you. Some days are just so much harder than others and it seems that they come out of nowhere. I am sorry you are down. I remember going to mass and crying for nearly the whole mass with just silent tears streaming down my face. I seriously think the people at church worries about me. They know we are trying to conceive (at least the ones I know well) and they say their prayers are with us. I believe that when we are blessed with a child to love and raise, our whole community will rejoice with us as they have in some small ways suffered with us. We have a very small parish. Sometimes it is great for your spirit to go to a mass where no one knows you and people can just think that you and your hubbie are just newlyweds! We still act like newlyweds, so we just enjoy their kind smiles and welcoming gestures. It is also good for your soul to be fed in a new way sometimes by a priest with a new perspective. God bless you and I hope your fantastic diet suprises you and that you get over being sore really quick :)
ReplyDeleteLadies, I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I want you to know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am home now recovering from my laparoscopy (sp?) so I will be praying lots of rosaries for all of us this week.
http://hailmaryfullofgrace-mt.blogspot.com/
May Jesus wipe the tears from our eyes and Our Lady wrap us in Her Mantle.
Love,
Maria Therese
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ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you have been feeling so down. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI felt this way going to Mass after my baby daughter was stillborn. It was really hard for me to see babies and pregnant ladies. Just know that there are quite a few mothers of young children out there who pray for women like you at EVERY Mass! Literally every time I see a couple w/o children I say a prayer that if they are struggling with infertilty, will God please bless them with a child. Big hugs.
As for Mass, after my daugther passed away, I did a couple of things to make life a little easier at Mass. 1) I went to daily mass often--less kids. 2) I went to Sunday Mass early in the morning 7am or late at night 6pm. 3) If I had to go to the 9am or 11am Mass, I sat in the very front pew. I now love sitting in the front pew--less distractions.
Prayers for you!
i can totally relate... it's raining here...and the past few days have just been so...heavy.
ReplyDeletei suppose it's appropriate for this time in Holy Week.
I've been very depressed lately, too... maybe it's the time of year (Jesus' worst suffering), or the weather, or a combination.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew when the end is. For each of us. That would ease the suffering greatly. It's the not knowing how or when it will end that makes it so hard, imo.
You are in my intentions this week. Feel better.
I've definitely found Masses in which I can't pay attention and end up upset - not on account of the small people, usually for other reasons. I try to discipline myself to appreciate the Mass regardless, but frankly, removing the distractions so you CAN pay attention works better. So I say, don't feel bad about finding a different Mass if that's what you need to do. Some ideas - very early on Sunday is usually old people, and Sunday evening (if there is one) is usually teenagers.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with all of you commenters. Also, K, I wanted to tell you that I recently had to stop singing at a monthly homeschoolers Mass. There were too many kids & pregnant women, constantly reminding me of what I don't have. At least our particular Sunday Mass has a mix of ages; the homeschool Mass did not. Though I dearly loved many of the people there, I told the coordinator of my wishes and she completely understood. For once I was able to control an infertility situation rather than become a victim of a suprise pregnancy announcement, etc.
ReplyDeleteI think we need to feel through these times of saddness, but to then keep going like Jesus did while carrying the Cross. He still felt the pain but kept walking. May we do the same and let our tears fall on His Heart.
I had to stop going to 1030 Mass for the simple fact of all the babies and pregnancies.
ReplyDeleteMy Priest even suggested to me that I could leave the parish if I needed too. He saw how upset I used to get at the baby Mass. I would even have to excuse myself during Mass because I was barely able to get it under control.
Now we go to the 8am Mass or 5pm at another church. I LOVE IT! I DON"T CRY AT MASS ANYMORE! ;) I don't know anybody and I love every bit of it! ;)
I hope you are feeling better!
Oh man, I've felt that way too sometimes. (Well, maybe not exactly, but I feel that way whenever I see those young, smiling, married couples coming to mass. I start asking God if I'm going to be alone forever, or what??)
ReplyDeleteLast week they hauled all the pre-cana couples up front and gave them all certificates. (And they all looked younger than me!!) I think I actually frowned up at God and mumbled "that's not funny!!" (lol)
LMAO at you on "I didn't know I was pg" - - I could totally see you popping out a baby on the floor of the bathroom :) And then the commentary at the end of the show... "Today, baby Metformin shows no ill-effects of her tramautic entry into this world."
ReplyDeleteOhhhh, it's too good.
I am sorry to hear your feeling down...please know that you're in our prayers! I completely agree with you about the whole church thing. Your not alone with suffering at Church. I hear so many women say this is the hardest part about Sunday Mass. I hope Dh gets his hours changed soon ;)
ReplyDeleteI found your blog about a week ago and I must say, it's been more comforting than I could have imagined to see other Catholic women who are sharing this struggle. So thank you for this blog. As for the mass issue, I can very much relate. Like JellyBelly, before we started ttc, I used to smile adoringly at all the children in mass, picturing myself in that position someday. It's amazing how things change. Sometimes I manage to be quite numb to the children present, but many many times I just can't take it. It ruins mass for me and then I feel guilty for being ungrateful and for not focusing on mass. I don't know why sometimes I can be resigned and others are unbearable. As w/ so many things on this painful journey, it's something you try to get through as much as you can. My prayers to you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteIts so very hard to be around those things when you are immersed int he world of IF. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.
ReplyDelete