The water park and depression (not at the same time)

I am exhausted. We went to the water park today and it was a lot of fun, except I got sick in the wave pool. Well, I didn't actually throw up in the wave pool, that would have been gross, but I felt very sick from all the waves and bobbing up and down, and had to get the heck outta there. And I totally didn't expect it at all. At first, though, I was out there without a life jacket on and I couldn't believe how hard it was! I was treading water trying to stay afloat as the waves were crashing into me, I was swallowing water and I was getting so tired! Oh my goodness. I later joked with my husband that my arms were so tired that I was very close to just giving up and going under. He's like, imagine me having to tell everyone my wife lost her will to live in the wave pool! Of course I was totally kidding, but I do now know that if I was somehow stranded in the middle of the ocean I wouldn't survive. I don't nearly have enough strength and/or stamina. This didn't really come as a surprise to me, but now it's confirmed.

In other news, I've been kinda depressed lately. This past weekend was bad. I don't know what else to say about it, other than I felt like crying a lot and was just really down. Church was hard. Basically anywhere women and children were was hard, and that's basically everywhere. I don't know if it will ever get any easier, but I just have to hold onto the hope that it will. Right now I'm not interested in adoption and I think that's making it even harder because that means if I can't get pregnant I will never have kids. But at the same time, I hate the idea of adoption being "Plan B" anyways. It deserves better than that.

As for why I'm not into adoption right now, I'm not sure. It's several reasons, I guess. I just don't feel led to it at all at the moment. (And let me also just say that if I give any of my reasons, please know that this isn't an indictment on others who have adopted. They are just things that have come up as I struggle with whether to adopt and definitely not things I think about other adoptive families, just when it comes to my husband and I. I'm trying to sort it all out.) That being said, I also sometimes feel like if I adopt, it will be for selfish reasons and not because it's best for the baby. Is that weird? If I don't adopt, it's not like the baby we would have gotten will be without a family. I guess the only way to avoid that would be to adopt an older child in foster care or in an orphanage through international adoption. But that doesn't seem right for us either. I'm also worried that my adopted child will grow up to have an identity crisis and resent me. I know, that's thinking way ahead. I don't know! I'm so confused! The bottom line is I don't feel like it's an option for us at the moment and that is making not getting pregnant even harder.

Ugh! I'm so frustrated, and I'm scared that this medication isn't going to work. REALLY scared. I know I need to relax. I need to be patient. I need to trust God. It's just so much easier said than done.

Alright I'm SUPER tired so I'm rambling. My brain is fried from all the sun and water.

The real victim of my infertility...

Because I have too much time on my hands and no little babies to do this for, my dog has to suffer this:



I made this dress for Sophie today (and she actually LOVES dressing up). If you are among those who have an aversion to dogs wearing clothes, forget this ever happened. I will say I never take her out of the house like this (except tonight when I drove her to see my husband at work). That makes it a little better, right?

So if you don't like cutesy dog stuff but were able to look past me sewing Sophie a dress (remember, I blame it on infertility), then maybe you shouldn't continue reading. Seriously. Keep any amount of respect you still have for me and don't read on.

Okay, if you're still here, let me just say that I blame what you are about to see on several factors: 1)The material was 60% off, 2) I had tons left after making Sophie's dress, and 3) it only took 15 minutes.

Okay, look at your own risk (don't say I didn't warn you).
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Please don't think less of me and I promise I'm not going to enter some mother/daughter dog photo contest or anything. I swear!

CD 17

So yesterday I had some more pretty bad pains on my left side. Always my left side. I was even too dizzy and out of it to go on our daily walk. I felt better as the day went on, though. I had more peak-type mucus, and this morning my temp went up slightly, but not a huge spike. My mood is weird, changing constantly. One minute I'm crying, feel depressed and sorry for myself and the next I am furiously cleaning. That's not like me (the cleaning part, at least).

Oh, and I finished my adoption reference letter I had to write for friends last night at 2:30 a.m. I just felt like doing it right then.

Right now I'm in a boring mood, so I will end this post. Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to say later.

Still feeling out of it

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers. We are still hoping for a miracle. And God is good, so hopefully good can come from every negative situation.

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So it's been about five days now that I've been feeling really out of it (sorry, can I complain any more about this?). I'm definitely blaming the met at this point, but it's just not what I expected. I was afraid of feeling nauseous, or having some kind of g.i. upset. Instead, I feel faint and shaky, have abdominal pains, and while I don't have a stomach ache, little food is appetizing to me. I also had muscle cramps in my leg and arm yesterday.

I will gladly go through this - or much worse - for a pregnancy. I'm not complaining about it as much as I am just wondering what it is.

So here's my little self-diagnosis for today: Due to a slight aversion to food lately, coupled with not having a lot of groceries in the house, I am eating far less than normal. This has perhaps led to my blood sugar being too low, hence the shaky feeling, and possible even the muscle cramps (that can happen when you're not eating enough, right?). I am also probably not drinking enough water, which can also add to the symptoms. Anyway, this could be very wrong, medically speaking, but I don't have any better ideas. Unless, maybe these are just normal side effects of the met. Anyway, I'll try to eat more throughout the day today (not a statement I have probably ever typed) to see if it helps, but right now we just finished our daily walk and I don't have enough energy to get up and get food. (And as a side-note, in typical "me" fashion, I momentarily thought I had a potential fatal side-effect of met. It wasn't completely out of the blue, because symptoms include sore muscles, abdominal pain and lightheadedness. Okay, as I type that I am still wondering if I do have it! My mother, though, told me it sounds like I have medical student syndrome. I prefer to call it heavily-medicated-and-nearly-four-years-in infertility patient syndrome.)

I am also having good mucus and today will hopefully be the fifth fertile day so far. My temp is still down, and actually dropped a little more today so hopefully it's getting ready for a nice, big spike. I am also down another couple pounds, to 18 pounds total. My husband is still going strong, too, and today he made the cutest observation. As he was getting ready for work he commented about how great it is that his pants are never tight anymore and that "this is totally worth not eating potato chips." That is huge for my husband! He LOVES himself some potato chips.

In a completely unrelated topic, here's my moral question for the day: Is it wrong to not answer the door when someone knocks on it? A group of people were just going door to door probably selling something and when they got to mine, I acted like I wasn't here. And then another person in the group knocked five minutes later, and, again, I pretended like I wasn't here. Part of me feels like this is sinful, that I am lying. The main reason I did it is because I feel like I'm always hearing stories on the news about people knocking on doors and then forcing themselves into the house and robbing the person. I am home alone and I just don't feel comfortable answering the door. But is that a good enough reason? Do I need to confess it? On one hand, you could say it's no different than letting a call go to your voicemail, right?

Alright, that's it for now. I'm off to write a reference letter for a friend's adoption. They're adopting a baby from Ethiopia, which is something I'd totally be interested in if it didn't involve flying to Ethiopia. My husband, meanwhile, thinks that's a reason to do it.

Urgent prayer request

Please pray tonight for a special intention. I cannot go into detail at this time, but I can just say that friends of ours desperately need your prayers tonight. Basically, they are in need of a miracle. If you have some time, please, please, please pray for this special request.

O St. Joseph, thou whose power extends over all our needs, who knows how to make possible for us the most impossible things, open thy Fatherly eyes to thy Children's interests.

Movie update

How is it that my pets sleep all day long and all night, too? I was in our backyard for a little while this afternoon and Sophie was bothered to have to be out there with me. I was clearly disrupting her all-day nap. (And this shot will be her last with the current long-hair look she's sporting. She getting groomed tomorrow, but don't tell her that).

While they sleep, I've been hard at work on my movie. We've scheduled the premiere for August 12 in Uti.ca, New York, which is where the movie is set. And we're SO excited that it's going to be held here. It's a really classy art museum that has a theater, which we are renting for a very reasonable price. It probably didn't hurt that the woman we needed to contact recognized my husband's name and must have liked him when he was on t.v. there (have I mentioned that basically NO ONE remembers me from the news there but he is like the biggest deal. And we were co-anchors!). I don't think any of my fellow bloggers are from that area, but if you are, let me know if you want to come to the showing. It's free, but there are a limited number of seats so we're taking reservations.

We also met with a company that will be making our DVDs. So now I'm working on the artwork for the jacket and although I have designed brochures, newsletters and websites in the past, I am by no means a graphic artist by trade (anyone understand DPI?). I was trying to use screen shots from the movie today, but I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and "re-create" some of the images with a still camera next week. I'll be able to do that because I'm going back to NY next Wednesday (driving all by myself, mind you) to do some freelance t.v. work, so not only will I be able to get the shots, but I'll also be able to visit my family (and make some money!).

In other exciting documentary-related news today - my movie website is listed on daniellebean.com. I am pumped!

Still confused

I'm still not feeling 100%, and I just can't figure out if it's due to the metformin or ovulation. Here are my symptoms: tired (not that that's new), stomach is a little off (not enough to be nauseous and I can still eat, but it's just off), I'm a little bloated, and I have pain on my left side. It sounds like ovulation when I type it out, but when it's happening I tend to blame it on the met. One odd thing, though, is that I had pain on the left side last month too. I know you can ovulate on the same side two months in a row (right?), but how normal is that? I guess I'm just worried that it's a cyst or something.

Meanwhile, something has been permeating my thoughts lately (and, from past experience, when that happens, it's usually God trying to send me a message): I need to stop stressing over the details. I need to stop worrying if there's a cyst on my left ovary. If I'm ovulating. What my estrogen is doing. If and when the met will work. I'm not saying I want to stop thinking about those things; while it would be kind of relaxing not to, it does give me a sense of control over my problem, even if that so-called control is all in my head. But, that is the exact reason I need to stop thinking about those details - the truth is I have no control over them, and by acting like I do, I am lying to myself and God. I need to focus what I do have control over - taking my medication, trying to live stress-free, eating right, losing weight, charting, and making use of my fertile days.

Okay, that being said...

Do you think this recent pain is due to ovulation or the met? (I'll turn over my new leaf tomorrow!)