Thursday, January 10, 2013

Amazed

We talked about adoption almost from the get-go. Attended seminars, both phone and in-person. Called social workers, agencies. Even sent non-refundable deposits. 

But I couldn't do it. I had a hang-up. A very shallow, immature - perhaps understandable? - hang-up.

I wanted it to be special. 


I remember where we were - in the car, heading to adoration - when I finally gave in and said aloud why I had been putting the breaks on adoption. My previous silence was proof even I knew I was nuts.

It came out sounding just like I knew it would. Silly. Shallow. But honest.

Through tears I said how I hated the thought of signing with an agency and getting a baby after a year or two wait. I will feel like we chose for it to happen. I wanted God to write our story. I wanted Him to give us a baby.

It was the last hurdle between us and adoption (and, no doubt, rooted in the realization that I would likely never conceive). It needed to be said. I said it, I heard myself say it in all its craziness (what did I want? A baby left on my doorstep?), Ryan told me why that was silly, and why it would all be okay. And it was. We started the process to adopt through an agency shortly after.

And what does God do?


He takes bratty old me and actually answers that shallow prayer.


He gave me two insane adoption stories, a pregnancy mixed in for good measure, and three beautiful babes, three and under.

He took my hang-up, helped me work through it, waited as I came around and realized the beauty of adopting - through an agency or however - and then BAM! Gives me what I had originally hoped for. And not once, but twice.

I'm humbled. It's embarrassing knowing how I used to feel and how God not only forgave me for it, but actually granted that immature wish.

I don't deserve it. I don't understand it. But I have to believe it has to do with Him being Love.

And every day, I'm completely amazed.

16 comments:

  1. BeautIful children. Beautiful mama. Beautiful post.

    xo, ryane

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  2. Beautiful! I love how God gives us the desire of our heart even when we think we don't deserve it. Essie is so precious especially her little hands and feet!

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  3. I love this post. You're not immature/shallow, you're just honest. I think it has to do with feeling like you're getting the children God hand-picked for your family. I get it. I prayed that same prayer, and my 7 yo is a product of it. (I got her at 5). Cute babies!!

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  4. Your posts are so beautiful they make me cry! I understand your feelings. My husband and I are not sure if we will ever conceive, and this breaks my heart. We are looking into adoption, but certain aspects of it scare me. Thanks for renewing my hope. Congratulations on your adorable little one!

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  5. Giving it ALL over to God ... the shallowness of our hearts, the fears, the sadness, the joy ... You done good, gal! And the three precious faces are a testament to that...thanks for sharing them and yourself with us!

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  6. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I love that God is in all the details. :)

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  7. Your best post! Congratulations, Essie is a beautiful blessing! So happy for you guys!

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  8. Humbling isn't it? This gave me goosebumps. He loves us SO much!

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  9. God is love. I'm holding that close to my heart today. *hugs*

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  10. Love your honest! And love your babies!!

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  11. Such a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing.

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  12. Been reading for years, before any babies and I have to say this is one of my favorite posts by far. I've never gotten a child, but I am so happy for you and yours!

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  13. I so get this! God really does love us intimately and personally. I feel like he even gets a little kick out "wrapping" up our blessings with just a little personal note so we know in the depth from our soul that he hears every sigh of the heart.

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  14. I've always thought that was a perfectly reasonable requirement. Parenting is a vocation. I love shopping, but I refuse to shop for a child. I have always had an understanding with God that if He LITERALLY deposited a child on my doorstep, I would raise it. That doesn't sound demanding to me at all :).

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