Checking in

Finally talked to my doctor today and he doesn't think my panic was due to any of the medications I was taking and then subsequently stopped taking (on my own). But he agreed that what is more important is that I think going off of them helped me. So I guess I'm just playing mind games with myself and as long as that works, then everyone's happy.

He also doesn't think it's hormonal (although he did say fluctuating hormones can definitely make it worse). My anxiety starts on cycle day one and lasts through ovulation. He said there's nothing he's ever heard of that would cause that. But, because he's open to trying things, he suggested I take the low-dose prozac he originally prescribed me for pms and take it the first two weeks of my cycle instead of the second two. So I'll probably be starting that soon.

I am disappointed that it might actually be from my brain, and not hormones that can be easily fixed with some medication. I'm disappointed it might not be from a medication.. a foreign substance that wasn't me, which I stopped taking and, in turn, stopped the anxiety. If it's in my brain, then it can come back any time and that scares me. 

I have dealt with serious anxiety two other times in my life. Once when I was 17 and once when I was 27 (apparently this current bout decided to arrive two years earlier than scheduled). Both of those times it lasted for months and then just became less and less over time until I realized one day that I had been normal for a while. I'm holding onto all hope that the same thing happens now. It's been three months since it started, so it could be coming to a close any day now. At least that's what I'm telling myself. 

Thankfully, I have felt mostly normal lately. Although my mom would tell you that I'm still texting her every day asking her to talk me down.. but seriously, I am WAY better than I was before. Most importantly, I am able to enjoy things and have positive emotions. When I was in the thick of it I had one emotional setting - terrified. That was it. 

I really have felt better lately though. One bright spot - and likely a huge help to my emotional state - is that we joined a gym. We never could afford it in the past, but thanks to the adoption tax credit we were able to pay off our debt, which freed up things for us. I'm seriously so thankful for that. I used to have such gym envy! Now we try to go every day, and we drop the kids off at the awesome gym daycare (which they LOVE) and Ryan and I work out together for an hour. We even taken the kids swimming there once a week, which is their new favorite thing.

Anyway, it was truly a Godsend because it's already helped me emotionally, and I pray it continues to do so. 

I'm so sorry this blog has become about anxiety. And that's when I actually do get around to posting. The only reason I am now is because my phone died and I couldn't find a charger and therefore was forced onto our desktop (which is where I blog).. and because Luke, who wouldn't nap, was sitting in my lap watching various renditions of America the Beautiful (his current favorite song, which he learned from the Obama ad where Mitt Romney is heard singing it) on YouTube and fell asleep to them. But when I get up to put him in his bed, he wakes up and says, "No Mommy! America! America!" How can I resist my little patriot? 

So, I'm sitting here with a sleeping baby on me, blogging once again about anxiety, and again, wanting to thank you for your prayers. Please, if you get a chance, perhaps offer one for me as cycle day one approaches. Severe panic began on two out of the last three cycle-day-ones and I'm obviously nervous, which probably makes it even more likely I'll get panicky on cycle day one! It really is a vicious cycle.

But I'm going to tell myself I'm fine. Everything is fine. I have anxiety and it's nothing more than that. My form of anxiety is actually really, really common. That's all it is. And maybe I'll really be surprised and be fine. It could happen, right?

And because I just can't post without a picture or two...