It truly never gets old. That he's here, that we have two babies. That God surprised us like this.
And you know what? You know that feeling a lot of us infertile girls have experienced, the one where you're sitting around minding your own business and all of a sudden that fact that you are infertile and may never be a mother comes rushing at you full force? I used to hate that. As if I didn't think about it enough, it would suddenly be even clearer and cut even deeper in those moments.
Well, that feeling has been replaced by the sudden realization that I did conceive. That I got a positive test and was pregnant for nine months and now he's here and his name is Luke. As if I don't already know that, sometimes it just hits me and I get butterflies all over again, just like when I first got that positive test.
And just like when I first became a mother and would look down at my teeny Clara and simply not believe it.
I know not everyone recovers emotionally from infertility like I have, and I am thankful every day that it doesn't haunt me. I hope that doesn't hurt anyone for me to say that; I know I used to love hearing that someone hardly had any infertility scars. Yes, it did shape me and change me in ways before unimaginable. And of course, we wouldn't have Clara without it, so for that I will never wish it away. But I just can't have it live with me all the time. It was there for a long while and now it's gone.
And if I'm ever worried about there being no scars, well, I just have to look down and see the big one on my abdomen. That one's not going away no matter how joyful my life is. And that's okay. It got me where I am today.
And where I am is a fabulous place. Filled with runny noses, and kisses, and blueberry stains on just about everything.
I wish everyone could be where I am. It used to cause me so much pain wondering why some were plucked from infertility, while I still floundered there. And it's no more clear today why I was one of the "lucky" ones.
But I know that God is with us all and hasn't abandoned any of us. That was the message I received nearly two years ago, days before the birth of a baby I didn't yet know existed and who would make me a mother in five short weeks.
God is full of surprises. One of mine is now eight months and I'm so thankful for him every day.
"And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God." Luke 1:37
Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI remember all the pain and longing too and it just seems so far away, thank God!
I love this. And he is without a doubt the cutest baby boy I've ever seen.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL!!
ReplyDeleteTime has flown by. I feel like the baby shower for Luke was yesterday. He is such a little cutie!
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that I know exactly how you feel. I STILL can't believe I gave birth to Addison...and I still think of her as my little newborn like you said he did with Luke. Every time she hits another milestone, it's like reality hits me in the face and I realize my baby is growing up SO fast. And I get so sad. It goes by so dang fast! And infertility is such a distant memory of mine now, too. I carry scars, but they are well healed and hidden and rarely cause any pain. And, honestly, I love those scars, because without them, I would certainly not have Jackson and I may not have had Addison. And to even think of that scenario is more painful than those scars could ever be. Your Luke is so, so precious.
ReplyDeleteI remember that message from Eucharistic Adoration like it was yesterday. And I remember reading it as if I were the person that beautiful stranger were talking to.
ReplyDeleteI must ask you - did you feel as hopeful about that message at the time, being the one who received it?? Because, I have had similar messages for several months now, some bolder than others, but not one of them has yet been fulfilled so it is so hard for me to believe they ever will be.
How did you feel, exactly, in that moment and in those days that followed?
Clara and Luke were designed to be siblings, I think. Life with them both must be heaven on earth :)
Aww :) Beautiful thoughts, and beautiful little boy!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, he is so adorable! Hi Luke! Wish our boys could play together! And so amazing that you have been healed of your IF. IF is such a mystery, but someday we'll all understand it I guess.
ReplyDeleteI just love that beautiful little face and his gorgeous grin. Thank you God for the double blessing of Clara and Luke.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone!
ReplyDeleteTCIE - I do remember how I felt. I felt completely and totally renewed, especially because I had been at my lowest of lows right before going to adoration that day. The most amazing part was the message really had very little to do with what the future held for me. When I asked about children, the woman said something very, very vague about adoption and loving the world's children.. but that was it. Yet, for once I surprisingly didn't care. The message was bigger than infertility, and it was bigger than me. It wasn't meant to be a secret revealing of my future. I left adoration that day on cloud nine. I felt His love in a real way and reminded myself often that He hadn't abandoned me like I had thought.
The glow of it did begin to wear off in the weeks that followed, though. It was Christmas, which is always hard, and I know for a fact that I was in a particularly depressed mood the day we found out about Clara. So it wasn't a quick fix. But I know I would have been much worse off if I hadn't received the message and wasn't able to remind myself that God had not abandoned me.
Those signs and messages you have received are such gifts from Him, and I hope you can call them to mind when you are down. And I truly think my message was meant for you, too, so remember - God has not abandoned you! Even when it seems like He is passing you over. He loves you more than you'll ever know.
This is so great. I dream about the day I can get a positive pregnancy test... or be a mom. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
ReplyDeleteAwesome. love it, and love your babies!
ReplyDeleteI too would never wish my infertility away because then we wouldn't have Isabella and I can't imagine a more perfect daughter!
ReplyDeleteThis so hit home on so many levels. I still can't believe I have a baby in my womb. That pain is so close b.c it affected me so much. I don't know if I will really believe that baby is mine once I give birth!
ReplyDeleteLove that little one...he is so precious:) And so is sweet Clara!
Your story has inspired me from the beginning. I love seeing the pictures of your beautiful family. It gives me hope. :)
ReplyDeleteTeary eyed!
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ReplyDeleteSome of us won't get beautiful reassuring messages by God followed by miracles and abundant blessings.
ReplyDelete*Some* of us just get more suffering and unanswered prayers.
Good plans, indeed.
So, you see, *some* of us have most certainly been abandoned and left full of scars.
T - I'm so sorry, and I hope my post didn't cause you any additional pain. I felt that way for a long, long time too. For most of my years of infertility, I didn't think there was a plan for me either, or at least one that didn't include terrible pain and suffering. And I know it's very easy for me to say now that He had a plan all along.
ReplyDeleteBut, I refuse to believe God has abandoned you or anyone else suffering. Believe me, I know it may feel like it, but He hasn't. I'm praying for you.
1. You don't have anything to apologize for and I'm sorry if I sound hostile. That is aimed at God, not you. You have a beautiful story and you should be shouting with happiness from the rooftops.
ReplyDelete2. We do agree on two things. I think God has a plan, too, but for some it is a life of joy and others a life of suffering.
3. (And I don't mean this in a disrespectful way...) Yes, it is very easy for you to talk about God's plan. His plan for you ended in your wildest dreams coming true. Some of us aren't not that lucky, so it is hard NOT to feel abandoned.