Adoption Q & A

Today, fellow blogger (and in-real-life friend) Grace In My Heart posted some questions about adoption. The questions are ones that she has gotten from others who are discerning the process. Questions I'm sure most of us adoptive mothers had at some point, ourselves.

Instead of just answering them herself - which I'm sure she will do a fabulous job of - she is posing the questions to all of us other adoptive moms out there as well, in the hope that we all, together, can provide a wide array of viewpoints. After all, if we were all in the same room (instead of online on our separate blogs) we could talk for HOURS, I'm sure.

So, thanks GIMH, for asking us! And without further ado, here are my answers...


Questions for Adoptive Mothers for those Discerning Adoption:

How did you know when to begin the adoption process?

Honestly, I didn't know. And that was one of my biggest stumbling blocks. I hemmed and hawed over whether I was on the path God wanted me on... what type of adoption should we do... should we wait a year... and so on and so forth. And then there were all those questions I struggled with like will I love the child?... will he/she love me?... will our families love him/her? Not to mention, am I starting at the exact right moment in time to adopt my child? Oh, the weight of it all can be crushing!

What finally convinced me to start the process (and I say "me" because my husband was on board to begin whenever I said the word), was when I realized that by delaying things I was keeping my husband from becoming a father. He was ready, and I didn't have any good reasons to keep putting it off. He wasn't complaining, of course. He would have waited as long as it took me to come around, but I didn't want to do that to him any longer.

So, through a ton of prayer (specifically, prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament helped immensely), I finally decided to take a leap of faith.

Did you ever feel like you failed at TTC (and were giving up "trying") so that's why you adopted?  What suggestions do you have for those working through these emotions?

I most definitely did not feel like we were adopting because we had failed at conceiving. Yes, I believe those two things are intrinsically connected (we would not have our precious daughter if I had been super fertile from day one) but knew were weren't going to stop doctors appointments, medications and treatments just because we started the home study process (it actually rubbed me the wrong way when some agencies would require you to stop fertility treatments once you signed on with them. Although I always wondered if that rule was designed for artificial reproductive technologies, and not for things like treating painful endometriosis). We wanted to be open to however God wanted to grow our family.

I do see another way to look at this question though - more like, did I think I was conceding something by starting the adoption process. And, in a way, I'd have to say 'yes'. Maybe not once we actually started the process, but it was one of the reasons it probably took me so long to start in the first place. For a while, I probably hoped every month I'd be pregnant so we wouldn't have to start the adoption process. But after I'd been at it long enough, I think I started to realize that being a mother was what I wanted most of all. My prayer turned from "God, please let me get pregnant" to "God, please grow my family." I remember where I was when that switch flipped. It was a big moment in my infertility journey.

And that's the suggestion I'd give to those who are seriously discerning adoption but may not be ready to let the dream of conceiving go just yet: Ask yourself what's most important. Is it carrying a child in your womb? Is it being able to birth a child? Is it having a baby that is the perfect blending of you and your husband? Or is it being a mother? There is nothing wrong with wanting all of those things. They are wonderful and noble and beautiful. But, eventually, you may come to the conclusion that being a mother edges out the others.

(And, on a side note - please keep in mind that I am not in any way saying all infertile women need to ask themselves those questions. I know adoption isn't for everyone. But for those trying to discern adoption, I just wanted to convey what worked for me.)

Were you and your husband on the same page about adoption?  What suggestions do you have for a spouse who may not be as excited as the other about adoption?

Thankfully, we were on the same page. Well, actually, I was probably the spouse not as excited about adoption! So, I should defer to Ryan for this question. And, because after nearly seven years of marriage I can speak for him, I know he would say to be patient. And that he loved me so much that he would have waited for ever. What he wanted more than anything in the world, more than a child, was for me to be happy.

How did you work through figuring out where to adopt from, how open to be, and what type of communication to have with your child's birthparents?

We just prayed and prayed about it, and eventually decided to pursue domestic adoption with a local agency. Over the years we had sat through a number of informational sessions with various agencies, including two for international adoption, but the cost is what was the determining factor in our final decision.

As for the type of communication, we knew we would potentially be approached with a situation that was more on the "open" side and we didn't want to rule anything out ahead of time, but we both agreed we would prefer one that was more "closed." In the end, our adoption is closed. We never turned one down because it was open, and it wasn't our decision that our current one is closed. It ended up being out of our hands.

Adoption can be really expensive.  What recommendations do you have to work through the financial aspect of it all?

Pray! I know this may sound trite but, honestly, if it wasn't for God's abundant grace we wouldn't have been able to afford our adoption. We shouldn't have been able to afford our adoption. You see, we were prepared to pay what our agency charged, which was a lot less than what our actual adoption cost. Yet the money came in the form of loans and gifts and we knew we had to move forward.

I know not everyone will have money fall from the sky, so I don't pretend to think it's always as simple as that either. But I say that just so you don't rule it out. Listen to God, because He may be nudging you in a direction like fundraising, or a generous relative, or even strangers.

Do you truly feel like a mother even though you didn't give birth?  If you've never been pregnant, do you feel like you missed out on this experience?

I am 100% Clara's mother, completely and without a doubt. You know when that fear (that I might not feel like her mother because I didn't birth her) went out the window? When I was the one waking up with her in the middle of the night changing her poopy diapers. All babies are totally reliant on others, they literally cannot survive without someone caring for them around the clock. And when that someone is you, you know you are their parent.

Do I wish sometimes that I had carried Clara in my womb? Of course. That was a precious time that another woman got to share with her (although thank God that she did) and, after going through pregnancy myself, I know how special it is to feel those kicks and know you are growing that baby. But the truth of the matter - what I always come back to - is that Clara wouldn't be in this world if another woman hadn't carried her. Me and Ryan couldn't have created Clara. And I'd trade that any day to have her here.

What prayers and/or books do you recommend for those discerning whether or not to pursue adoption?

I didn't read any books (not a big reader), but I did pray a ton. I would recommend, first and foremost, prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament. That's what helped us the most.

Another recommendation I have is to meet and spend time with people who have adopted or are adopted. For me, adoption was something I had no real-life experience with. And the more I discerned it, the more it seemed like this abstract concept that I wasn't sure I could actually see myself being a part of. But when I spent time with adoptive families, I was brought back down to reality. I knew I could do it. And when I saw those beautiful children I knew I could take one home with me and be happy forever.

What has been the best part about being an adoptive mother?

The best part, without a doubt, is looking at this face every day...

...and having her blow kisses back at me. There's nothing like it in the whole world.