Tomorrow morning we're off to northern VA, where we'll meet my parents at their hotel room. Ryan will drop me off, then head back to go to work. He'll then drive up Thursday morning for my surgery.
I'm praying I can get into my parents' room before check-in (which is at 3) so that I can start my bowel prep. I asked today how late I could start it and Dr. L said early afternoon at the latest. I need to get into that room! Could you imagine me sitting in the lobby, all by myself, drinking a gallon of glop and running to the bathroom?? What a nightmare! (Don't worry, I'm not going to do that under any circumstances).
So I've been petitioning Our Lady of Perpetual Help, asking for my parents' room to be ready early.
Tomorrow I can only have clear liquids (jello and broth are all that come to mind) and then after midnight I can't have anything, other than a sip of water to take my morning pills on Thursday morning.
I'm not looking forward to the bowel prep (who does?) and to being hungry and weak. But I can handle that. What I'm really, really not looking forward to is the anxiety. I'm really hoping that I can feel at peace tomorrow. Hopefully being with my mom will help with that.
Today I had some really good moments where I did feel at peace and also some bad moments where I just sat and cried. I'm trying to remind myself that I was this scared before my last two surgeries too. It's normal.
Everyone is trying to convince me that nothing is going to go wrong. I think I'm crossing into the realm of annoying at this point. But that's fine, because if they are annoyed then I know that I'm not being rational. Knowing I'm not being rational makes me feel better.
Now that you officially think I'm nuts...
I'm also due to start a new cycle tomorrow. If I don't, they're going to give me a pregnancy test before the surgery. Could you even imagine if they halted the surgery to tell me I was pregnant? Now that would be something! It's not going to happen though. I started feeling tonight like it was coming on.
Spiritually, I am doing okay. My mind does begin to wander every so often and starts thinking 'why me' but, thankfully, I have been able to push the thought out as quick as it comes. Looking at face.book is hard, though, because everyone's posting about their vacations or what they did that day with their kids, and all I can think is how I'd give anything to be like them right now. Not about to head into surgery. Not overcome with anxiety. Just living my normal boring life.
Sorry. I get dramatic when I'm anxious.
After reading St. Augustine a couple weeks ago (boy, did God ever know I'd need that), I know that it shouldn't be 'why me' but, rather, 'why not me?' There are millions of people worse off than I and I need to continue to praise God during this storm. And, hopefully, I won't look back on it as a storm, but rather a blessing.
Before my last surgery in Jan. '08, and upon the urging of a friend of mine, I emailed the Intercessors of the Lamb in Omaha, NE, to ask for their intercessory prayer. They emailed me back but it didn't come until a couple weeks after my surgery. As soon as I read the email - which was full of beautiful images they received about me while praying - I knew it would have helped me in the days leading up to the surgery.
Since it's too late to hear from them this time, and because their last email probably still applies to this surgery, I looked back over the email today and was comforted by its words. They described an image of Jesus as my doctor and Our Lady in a nurse's uniform holding my hand during surgery. They listed a couple hymns and told me to pray about the words. They spoke of an image of Our Lady, with angels all around her, handing me the baby Jesus.
They also specifically gave me a Scripture passage that came to them during prayer - Jeremiah 29:11 (little did I know at that time that I'd soon know my own "Jeremiah" who would become such a dear friend!). I re-read the passage today and it really gave me a sense of peace. I'm going to be repeating it a lot in the next two days. It's exactly what I need to remember:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Leaving tomorrow
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Praying for you. I know everything will go well.
ReplyDeleteK - you are so wrapped in prayer! I hope that your anxiety won't be too much to handle in these next couple of days. I'm so glad that your parents will be with you along with Ryan. I will be in adoration praying for you on Thursday late afternoon/early evening!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you are clinging to the Jeremiah verse! Even on my lowest days, I try to remember that God's words are true and He does have plans for a future of hope for us all. xoxo
i don't know if this will be much of a consolation, but the bowel prep actually helped distract me from being anxious! perhaps it was a blessing that i was feeling so sick and weak that the magnitude of my surgery didn't seem so bad.
ReplyDeletei have such a strong feeling that this surgery is going to be the answer to all of your questions. i just know it. you have so many people praying for you -- you've got your little endo army behind you!
Will be lifting you up in prayer tonight and tomorrow! The build-up of anxiety and anticipation of surgery is almost worse than the recovery itself.
ReplyDelete"Plans to give you hope and future" - why haven't I read that before? That's perfect. (Sorry, Jeremiah. I am oblivious.)
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad to hear they have the pregnancy test angle taken care of. I was worried about whether they would check for that but I didn't want to worry you any further by asking.
That bowel prep sounds like quite the ordeal and if it were me I would think ALL about that and ignore the surgery. So if I were normal, you'd be freaking out a normal amount - just focusing on different things. (Sadly, I'm not normal. But I tried.) Do all the suffering souls a favor and don't forget to offer all this up - but it will just be the discomfort (which is plenty), because tomorrow, you are going to be as good as new. Well, and temporarily tired and sore.
(Will Ryan be posting and commenting for you like Mr. JB?? Can he at least let everyone know that you are out of surgery safe and sound?)
How WILD would that be if it turns out you are pg???! OMG, I can't stop thinking about that scenario!! (I know it's unlikely, but a girl can dream!)
ReplyDeleteHey, at least you don't have to do your bowel prep at Starbucks... cuz FT, Sew and I aren't there to guard the door for ya.
Please be assured of my prayers for you, Karey. I wanted to suggest a product for your pre-surgery anxiety, too. It's called Bach's Rescue Remedy. Totally safe, great product that you can use as often as you need to help calm anxiety, restore some emotional balance and just stay on a more even keel through any kind of extreme stress. I've used it for years and it really does help. You can find it at most health food type stores.
ReplyDeleteAll the best,
Michelle H.
Now I'm like crying. I have been so emotional, especially with the holy day on Saturday. I know so, so many people pregnant right now and it never gets easier. I will remember to pray....I promise. I am having my ultrasound to see what they heck happened to my ovaries the last two months. I am nervous and am trying rally hard not to be. God bless and know you have ppl praying, k?
ReplyDeleteMany prayers coming your way, K. Thursday is the feast of St. Bernard of Clairveux, so I will ask that he intercede for you in a special way. Keep us updated!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you and know that everything is going to be OK!!!
ReplyDeleteBTW, I had one client that had that scenerio about being pg, it can happen!
I was watching EWTN this afternoon and Fr. Pacqua had the editor of "St. Augustine Confessions" on as a guest and I thought about you. I am praying for a successful and safe surgery for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's midnight of surgery day! I am sure you won't see this comment, but I just wanted to post now to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. In fact, I just prayed for you the whole time while cleaning my kitchen (I'm monastic that way).
ReplyDeleteThinking and praying for you "K"...
ReplyDelete