I'm starting a novena to St. Gianna today, nine days ahead of my surgery. In anticipation of it, my husband and I said a litany last night that we found on www.stgianna.org. One line in particular jumped out at me and really gave me comfort:
"Fill us with her spirit of courage to suffer any struggle rather than deny You and the sanctity of human life."
For those of us who are Catholic, and for whom IVF is not an option, I think this line speaks volumes. Although I am not entirely sure that IVF would even help me, the fact that it is not an option is a big deal. There are so many Catholic women like myself who struggle with infertility and who want children more than anything else in the world, but still will not do IVF because they and their Church don't agree with it. What a great testimony to the sanctity of human life this is! Because it was such an easy decision for me to not consider IVF, I think I often overlook this. I had a priest tell me once what a grace it was that I wasn't tempted by it. I had never thought about that.
So like they probably did with St. Gianna (who chose to die rather than abort the baby in her womb), people may think I am crazy (I always think they're thinking, "well you must not want a baby that bad!"). And like Gianna knew all too well, the decision to honor the sanctity of all human life doesn't come without great struggle. The Lord never said following Him would be easy and like the line from the litany says, I'd rather suffer in this manner than deny the Lord. This week as I say my novena, I will try to draw strength from St. Gianna. I'm sure she endured her suffering much better than I could ever imagine.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
It's just not fair
Well I haven't been doing too bad lately, but not great either. I have had many moments of despair, which I try to give up to God. I haven't been exactly sure what that means though, so I just say a prayer and try to envision handing my suffering over to Christ, letting it go. I'm not sure if that's what people mean by giving something up to God, but that's my version of it. It's kind of working. As I said, there have been only moments of despair, rather than days and weeks of it.
Two things have been bothering me lately though. The first is my upcoming surgery. For some reason I have anxiety about it. This isn't out of the ordinary for me because I usually find something to be anxious about. It's like I have a designated part of my brain for anxiety and when one anxiety inducing event (i.e. a plane ride) is over, my mind immediately finds something else to take its place. When I am momentarily happy I usually know something will come along to knock me down. I don't mean like God sends something bad my way, I actually mean my mind will suddenly focus on something negative and cause me to be anxious or depressed. I am definitely my own worst enemy. So right now, I am anxious about my surgery. The odd part is that I wasn't nervous about my laparoscopy in August and it went very well. This time, for some reason, I am scared something is going to go wrong during the surgery or in the days following. I think it might be because I recently moved away from my family and friends and in the six weeks of recovering it will be just me and my husband. Not that he won't do a good job of taking care of me, but I won't have my mom to take care of me, or others to come cheer me up. That thought usually makes me start crying lately. It could also be because I convinced my husband to let us drive out to Omaha this time around. Not having a flight to be scared about means I have to find something else to fear.
My other big issue right now is how unfair it is that everyone else can have children. I know how unhealthy and probably even sinful it is to think someone who is pregnant or has kids doesn't deserve them, but I have definitely thought this before. I try to fight it off when I start thinking it, but it's hard. The ultimate is 'why does God allow women to conceive who will abort their baby', followed by 'why does God allow child abusers to have children'. You can substitute in bad parents, people younger than me, people who have everything, etc., etc., etc. I know the answer to these questions (or at least I have heard many versions of answers) and I also know these thoughts only cause me more suffering, but it's still hard not to think them.
Two things have been bothering me lately though. The first is my upcoming surgery. For some reason I have anxiety about it. This isn't out of the ordinary for me because I usually find something to be anxious about. It's like I have a designated part of my brain for anxiety and when one anxiety inducing event (i.e. a plane ride) is over, my mind immediately finds something else to take its place. When I am momentarily happy I usually know something will come along to knock me down. I don't mean like God sends something bad my way, I actually mean my mind will suddenly focus on something negative and cause me to be anxious or depressed. I am definitely my own worst enemy. So right now, I am anxious about my surgery. The odd part is that I wasn't nervous about my laparoscopy in August and it went very well. This time, for some reason, I am scared something is going to go wrong during the surgery or in the days following. I think it might be because I recently moved away from my family and friends and in the six weeks of recovering it will be just me and my husband. Not that he won't do a good job of taking care of me, but I won't have my mom to take care of me, or others to come cheer me up. That thought usually makes me start crying lately. It could also be because I convinced my husband to let us drive out to Omaha this time around. Not having a flight to be scared about means I have to find something else to fear.
My other big issue right now is how unfair it is that everyone else can have children. I know how unhealthy and probably even sinful it is to think someone who is pregnant or has kids doesn't deserve them, but I have definitely thought this before. I try to fight it off when I start thinking it, but it's hard. The ultimate is 'why does God allow women to conceive who will abort their baby', followed by 'why does God allow child abusers to have children'. You can substitute in bad parents, people younger than me, people who have everything, etc., etc., etc. I know the answer to these questions (or at least I have heard many versions of answers) and I also know these thoughts only cause me more suffering, but it's still hard not to think them.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Is it just me or does it seem like everyone in Hollywood is pregnant?
I have to admit I have a guilty pleasure of checking celebrity news logs and sites like people.com. Everyday, there are at least two new pregnancy announcements, dozens more updates, and even more stories about new mothers (which all seem to contain the quote, "I didn't know what happiness was until I became a mom." Ahhh! If I have to read that quote one more time...) It's a bad habit for reasons other than just seeing pregnant stars on them. Maybe I'll make it my New Years resolution to stop.
Lately I've been busy working on my documentary. It's been going really good and it's been getting my mind off of infertility. I might post a trailer for it on here soon. My husband put one together and he did a really great job.
I had a minor set back with my new hopeful attitude last night. I started to have anxiety about my upcoming surgery and cried for a little while. I know I don't have any reason to be nervous. It's just a fear of the unknown, although it's not entirely unknown since I had surgery there just a few months ago. I'm trying to give it up to God.
We also took the first step towards adoption in our new state. It's a little more expensive than it would have been in NY, and there's a wait just to have a homestudy. The woman told us there are about nine couples waiting to have that done, and many more waiting who have already completed the homestudy. The good part, though, is that once the homestudy is complete you could be chosen by a mother at any time. We have to send pictures and information that they choose from. So I told my husband that we might have an upper hand since he's really cute! First we have to fill out some initial paperwork and send it in. We've only gotten past this stage once, so we'll see if we really do it. I'd like to begin the process before my surgery so I know in the back of my mind that it's an option. I think it will make it easier if I don't get pregnant right away, knowing the process is already a few months along.
So the rest of my day consists of baking cupcakes, which I'm very excited about! I am making several different varieties for my family for Christmas. It started out that I was going to make them instead of spending a ton of money on presents, since this is our first Christmas since switching over to a strict budget where we pay for everything in cash. But... it turns out the ingredients, supplies, test runs, etc. are going to cost me a lot more than normal presents would have. But they'll taste better! And I'm going to vow right now not to check any celebrity sites for the rest of the day. I have to start with small goals!
Lately I've been busy working on my documentary. It's been going really good and it's been getting my mind off of infertility. I might post a trailer for it on here soon. My husband put one together and he did a really great job.
I had a minor set back with my new hopeful attitude last night. I started to have anxiety about my upcoming surgery and cried for a little while. I know I don't have any reason to be nervous. It's just a fear of the unknown, although it's not entirely unknown since I had surgery there just a few months ago. I'm trying to give it up to God.
We also took the first step towards adoption in our new state. It's a little more expensive than it would have been in NY, and there's a wait just to have a homestudy. The woman told us there are about nine couples waiting to have that done, and many more waiting who have already completed the homestudy. The good part, though, is that once the homestudy is complete you could be chosen by a mother at any time. We have to send pictures and information that they choose from. So I told my husband that we might have an upper hand since he's really cute! First we have to fill out some initial paperwork and send it in. We've only gotten past this stage once, so we'll see if we really do it. I'd like to begin the process before my surgery so I know in the back of my mind that it's an option. I think it will make it easier if I don't get pregnant right away, knowing the process is already a few months along.
So the rest of my day consists of baking cupcakes, which I'm very excited about! I am making several different varieties for my family for Christmas. It started out that I was going to make them instead of spending a ton of money on presents, since this is our first Christmas since switching over to a strict budget where we pay for everything in cash. But... it turns out the ingredients, supplies, test runs, etc. are going to cost me a lot more than normal presents would have. But they'll taste better! And I'm going to vow right now not to check any celebrity sites for the rest of the day. I have to start with small goals!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The beautiful path of infertility (and other things I never thought I'd say)
In my world of new-found hope I am actually thinking positive thoughts. Amazing! So while lying in bed last night I suddenly had a realization (I'm having trouble putting this in words, probably because it's late and my "o" key just broke off of my lap top, so I apologize ahead of time if this is hard to follow): Everywhere infertility has led me has been beautiful. The people, places, experiences.. all of them have given me the feeling of being touched by God (you know the one).
I'm not talking about the dark days. Those I blame largely on myself, my lack of trust and refusal to carry the cross. I'm talking about the experiences I have had solely because of infertility, things I wouldn't have experienced without it. If you focus on those you'll begin to see a pattern. This is what God intended my infertility to be - a beautiful path filled with wonderful people and spiritual encounters. Here is a sampling:
- I swear my Creighton educator is heaven sent. During our first phone call she told me of her own battle with infertility and how she conceived shortly after giving it completely over to God (she went on to have six or seven kids). I can't begin to explain the guidance she has given me, and that's saying nothing about her help with the Creighton Model. Even the way I found out she existed was amazing. It was my first day at a new job at a Catholic retreat center that I was unsure about taking. I overheard someone say the diocese had a new fertility expert, so I called. I'm not sure I would have found out otherwise. So even during bad days at that job, I knew why God had put me there.
- Or how about our impromptu trip to the middle of Pennsylvania to meet with a priest who has been given the gift of healing. Father Mike's been known to pray with infertile couples only to have them conceive shortly thereafter (humbly, he admits he has no idea why he has this gift and, as he told us, would rather heal cancer patients if he had his say). Sitting in the basement of a house he shares with his elderly grandmother, he told us his story, asked about ours, then held our hands and said a simple Hail Mary. Then we went to lunch. I'm leaving out some detail, but it's safe to say it was one of the most surreal experiences of my life (now I just hope we don't break his good track record!). And, once again, the way I found out about him was bizarre. I applied for a job with my state's Right to Life Committee and while emailing with the executive director it soon came up that I was dealing with infertility (I still wonder how it got to that point so quickly, not the usual job-interview conversation. Only God can make something like that happen). She immediately told me about her infertility (she now has a daughter), Fr. Mike and about the PPVI Institute. I didn't end up taking the job, but I owe a lot to her.
- Last July I had to have an ultrasound series done ahead of my laparoscopy at PPVI. Unable to travel to Omaha for this, I was told that the only other ultrasound technician trained in their method on the east coast was in New Jersey. So I spent a week at the Morning Star Family Health Center (their web page displays the lyrics to "Gentle Woman" and their tag line is "Building a Culture of Life in Family Health Care". How great is that?!) where I received some of the most caring, wonderful treatment I'd ever experienced. I left with a really great feeling, an unofficial diagnosis and some hope.
- While in New Jersey we realized we weren't far from the St. Gianna Shrine just outside of Philadelphia. We drove up to the address only to find a small parish church with no sign of the shrine. After searching the entire premises, we entered the church to discovered a very simple, small shrine in the back corner of the sanctuary. Two women were sitting watch while a relic of St. Gianna - her white gloves - was displayed. I knelt, cried and prayed while holding the gloves and after praying I mustered the courage to approach the women to tell them why I was there. Immediately one of the women, who happened to be pregnant, told me she also suffered from infertility and conceived her first child after praying for the intercession of St. Gianna (her current pregnancy was actually her second). She also suffered from endometriosis, which I was told I had just the day before. The experience was a gift from God, and I continue to have a devotion to St. Gianna.
- And, of course, our entire experience with PPVI. From our trip to Omaha to the great care I have been given, this speaks for itself.
To me, these are all signs that God is in this. Perhaps an even bigger sign of God's presence is the fact that I can recognize this at all.
I'm not talking about the dark days. Those I blame largely on myself, my lack of trust and refusal to carry the cross. I'm talking about the experiences I have had solely because of infertility, things I wouldn't have experienced without it. If you focus on those you'll begin to see a pattern. This is what God intended my infertility to be - a beautiful path filled with wonderful people and spiritual encounters. Here is a sampling:
- I swear my Creighton educator is heaven sent. During our first phone call she told me of her own battle with infertility and how she conceived shortly after giving it completely over to God (she went on to have six or seven kids). I can't begin to explain the guidance she has given me, and that's saying nothing about her help with the Creighton Model. Even the way I found out she existed was amazing. It was my first day at a new job at a Catholic retreat center that I was unsure about taking. I overheard someone say the diocese had a new fertility expert, so I called. I'm not sure I would have found out otherwise. So even during bad days at that job, I knew why God had put me there.
- Or how about our impromptu trip to the middle of Pennsylvania to meet with a priest who has been given the gift of healing. Father Mike's been known to pray with infertile couples only to have them conceive shortly thereafter (humbly, he admits he has no idea why he has this gift and, as he told us, would rather heal cancer patients if he had his say). Sitting in the basement of a house he shares with his elderly grandmother, he told us his story, asked about ours, then held our hands and said a simple Hail Mary. Then we went to lunch. I'm leaving out some detail, but it's safe to say it was one of the most surreal experiences of my life (now I just hope we don't break his good track record!). And, once again, the way I found out about him was bizarre. I applied for a job with my state's Right to Life Committee and while emailing with the executive director it soon came up that I was dealing with infertility (I still wonder how it got to that point so quickly, not the usual job-interview conversation. Only God can make something like that happen). She immediately told me about her infertility (she now has a daughter), Fr. Mike and about the PPVI Institute. I didn't end up taking the job, but I owe a lot to her.
- Last July I had to have an ultrasound series done ahead of my laparoscopy at PPVI. Unable to travel to Omaha for this, I was told that the only other ultrasound technician trained in their method on the east coast was in New Jersey. So I spent a week at the Morning Star Family Health Center (their web page displays the lyrics to "Gentle Woman" and their tag line is "Building a Culture of Life in Family Health Care". How great is that?!) where I received some of the most caring, wonderful treatment I'd ever experienced. I left with a really great feeling, an unofficial diagnosis and some hope.
- While in New Jersey we realized we weren't far from the St. Gianna Shrine just outside of Philadelphia. We drove up to the address only to find a small parish church with no sign of the shrine. After searching the entire premises, we entered the church to discovered a very simple, small shrine in the back corner of the sanctuary. Two women were sitting watch while a relic of St. Gianna - her white gloves - was displayed. I knelt, cried and prayed while holding the gloves and after praying I mustered the courage to approach the women to tell them why I was there. Immediately one of the women, who happened to be pregnant, told me she also suffered from infertility and conceived her first child after praying for the intercession of St. Gianna (her current pregnancy was actually her second). She also suffered from endometriosis, which I was told I had just the day before. The experience was a gift from God, and I continue to have a devotion to St. Gianna.
- And, of course, our entire experience with PPVI. From our trip to Omaha to the great care I have been given, this speaks for itself.
To me, these are all signs that God is in this. Perhaps an even bigger sign of God's presence is the fact that I can recognize this at all.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Having hope
My first full day of having hope is going surprisingly well. I really have a new outlook. What's getting me through is that I feel confident that soon I will have one of two things:
1) a biological child, or
2) an adopted child, and peace of mind
The peace part was the missing link all along. I still have a hard time believing I will be fulfilled by adopting, so in order for me to start having hope I must trust that if God does not intend for us to have a biological child that He will give me peace with that. I used to think about the two options above (minus the peace part) and it did me no good. But simply by believing God will give me peace, I find myself having hope. Not sure if that makes sense, but it's working.
I am kind of tenative about this, though, because I go through phases quite often and today could just be a good day. I need to remember that at some point I will get depressed again. It might be tomorrow, it might be next month. If I accept that it will happen I will be able to handle it and not allow it to send me into a downward spiral.
So tonight I thank God for this grace, no matter how long it lasts. And I look forward to having a child either way!
1) a biological child, or
2) an adopted child, and peace of mind
The peace part was the missing link all along. I still have a hard time believing I will be fulfilled by adopting, so in order for me to start having hope I must trust that if God does not intend for us to have a biological child that He will give me peace with that. I used to think about the two options above (minus the peace part) and it did me no good. But simply by believing God will give me peace, I find myself having hope. Not sure if that makes sense, but it's working.
I am kind of tenative about this, though, because I go through phases quite often and today could just be a good day. I need to remember that at some point I will get depressed again. It might be tomorrow, it might be next month. If I accept that it will happen I will be able to handle it and not allow it to send me into a downward spiral.
So tonight I thank God for this grace, no matter how long it lasts. And I look forward to having a child either way!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Ending the temper tantrum (or trying to)
If I were to be honest about my infertility-related behavior, I'd have to say it's like the adult version of a child's temper tantrum. It is as if I am on my stomach, kicking my feet and pounding my fists on the ground, crying out "it's not fair." If I did that to my parents as a kid (and I'm sure I did) it would have gotten me no where, except maybe my bedroom.
While I usually think I am totally justified in my depression, anger and frustration, deep down I know my temper tantrums aren't pleasing to God. And with God in the role of "parent," it's definitely not going to get me what I want.
With that in mind, I feel like I need to change things. This is nothing new. I've prayed for years to have peace with infertility. I know this peace can't come without turning over my anger, frustration, sadness and all that comes with infertility to God. I have spent many hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament trying to do this very thing. Kneeling, I try to visualize my problems as a material thing that I place at the bottom of the monstrance in front of me, or at the feet of Christ. I'm obviously doing something wrong because it hasn't worked.
Lately, I feel like it's getting worse. I have this feeling like my soul is rotting and I'm doing nothing to nurture it. I know this problem is caused by my lack of trust in God. I realized this while reading an amazing post today by Et-tu. It's far more insightful than I could ever be, but it made me realize that this lack of trust is the root of all of my problems. It is possible to trust in God and when I do, He will protect me when I fall.
So, then, how do I go about actually doing this? As I've said, I've tried before to no avail. Today, though, I realized I do have a personal experience I can draw upon.
Being a cradle Catholic, I fell away from the Church in my twenties like many people do. I still believed in and loved God and always considered myself Catholic, I just wasn't attending Mass and was definitely not living the life God wanted for me.
About a week after returning from my honeymoon, I began to go through an amazing conversion, except I didn't know that's what it was at the time (I should also point out that this started before I realized I was infertile, but was perhaps God's way of preparing me). I started to get horrible anxiety, like I was sinking into a black hole. I was hysterical. I couldn't eat, sleep, or function. The best way to describe it is like a constant panic attack. My poor husband probably wondered what he got himself into. Interestingly enough, this wasn't the first time I had experienced this. It first happened to me at age 17. As with this time, I experienced constant and indescribable panic and cried constantly, even at school. People must have thought I was losing my mind, and I kind of was. During both experiences, the focus of the panic was a fear that there was no God (I now understand, and have been told by others, that this was God's way of showing me what the world would truly be like without him. I experienced it, and let me just say, it was hell). I didn't know it then, but it was a typical "dark night of the soul" and is actually an enormous grace.
This most recent time, after my wedding, the panic lasted a few months but the lack of belief in God lingered for about two years. I realized rather quickly that this was the beginning of a conversion that would change my life forever. I started going to Mass, went back to confession (which helped immensely), Perpetual Adoration, and began a Formation for Ministry program (I actually did these things at a time when I didn't believe in God. Go figure). It took a while, but finally, after many, many months I was able to say I truly believed in God shortly after Easter 2005.
It wasn't easy. I had an awesome advisor as part of the Formation program who met with me weekly. A 70-something Sister of St. Joseph, she was my angel sent from God to help me believe again. She suggested that I pray that my anxiety be lifted on Easter Sunday and envision it being taken up to Heaven, just like Christ. I did, and it worked. It didn't happen instantaneously, but a few weeks later I realized the black hole was gone.
But that wasn't the only thing that finally did it. The other thing that worked (and the point of me telling this story) is that I just acted like I had faith. I've heard many people talk about this, and I can't say enough how well it works. It's actually, not to be cliche, taking a leap of faith. I soon experienced God so personally that I understand why it can be hard to explain the experience to non-believers.
What helped me to do this was hearing the lyrics to a song called "What If?" by Nicole Nordeman. It was like the song was written just for me, a skeptic. One part in particular that affected me was this:
What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
I decided that's what I need to do - and, if these lyrics were true, God would protect me from what I was most afraid of - falling. It worked that time and it will work now too. I just need to jump.
On another note - it's 76 degrees here today! I'm a northerner and so not use to this. It's like I'm on vacation.
While I usually think I am totally justified in my depression, anger and frustration, deep down I know my temper tantrums aren't pleasing to God. And with God in the role of "parent," it's definitely not going to get me what I want.
With that in mind, I feel like I need to change things. This is nothing new. I've prayed for years to have peace with infertility. I know this peace can't come without turning over my anger, frustration, sadness and all that comes with infertility to God. I have spent many hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament trying to do this very thing. Kneeling, I try to visualize my problems as a material thing that I place at the bottom of the monstrance in front of me, or at the feet of Christ. I'm obviously doing something wrong because it hasn't worked.
Lately, I feel like it's getting worse. I have this feeling like my soul is rotting and I'm doing nothing to nurture it. I know this problem is caused by my lack of trust in God. I realized this while reading an amazing post today by Et-tu. It's far more insightful than I could ever be, but it made me realize that this lack of trust is the root of all of my problems. It is possible to trust in God and when I do, He will protect me when I fall.
So, then, how do I go about actually doing this? As I've said, I've tried before to no avail. Today, though, I realized I do have a personal experience I can draw upon.
Being a cradle Catholic, I fell away from the Church in my twenties like many people do. I still believed in and loved God and always considered myself Catholic, I just wasn't attending Mass and was definitely not living the life God wanted for me.
About a week after returning from my honeymoon, I began to go through an amazing conversion, except I didn't know that's what it was at the time (I should also point out that this started before I realized I was infertile, but was perhaps God's way of preparing me). I started to get horrible anxiety, like I was sinking into a black hole. I was hysterical. I couldn't eat, sleep, or function. The best way to describe it is like a constant panic attack. My poor husband probably wondered what he got himself into. Interestingly enough, this wasn't the first time I had experienced this. It first happened to me at age 17. As with this time, I experienced constant and indescribable panic and cried constantly, even at school. People must have thought I was losing my mind, and I kind of was. During both experiences, the focus of the panic was a fear that there was no God (I now understand, and have been told by others, that this was God's way of showing me what the world would truly be like without him. I experienced it, and let me just say, it was hell). I didn't know it then, but it was a typical "dark night of the soul" and is actually an enormous grace.
This most recent time, after my wedding, the panic lasted a few months but the lack of belief in God lingered for about two years. I realized rather quickly that this was the beginning of a conversion that would change my life forever. I started going to Mass, went back to confession (which helped immensely), Perpetual Adoration, and began a Formation for Ministry program (I actually did these things at a time when I didn't believe in God. Go figure). It took a while, but finally, after many, many months I was able to say I truly believed in God shortly after Easter 2005.
It wasn't easy. I had an awesome advisor as part of the Formation program who met with me weekly. A 70-something Sister of St. Joseph, she was my angel sent from God to help me believe again. She suggested that I pray that my anxiety be lifted on Easter Sunday and envision it being taken up to Heaven, just like Christ. I did, and it worked. It didn't happen instantaneously, but a few weeks later I realized the black hole was gone.
But that wasn't the only thing that finally did it. The other thing that worked (and the point of me telling this story) is that I just acted like I had faith. I've heard many people talk about this, and I can't say enough how well it works. It's actually, not to be cliche, taking a leap of faith. I soon experienced God so personally that I understand why it can be hard to explain the experience to non-believers.
What helped me to do this was hearing the lyrics to a song called "What If?" by Nicole Nordeman. It was like the song was written just for me, a skeptic. One part in particular that affected me was this:
What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
I decided that's what I need to do - and, if these lyrics were true, God would protect me from what I was most afraid of - falling. It worked that time and it will work now too. I just need to jump.
On another note - it's 76 degrees here today! I'm a northerner and so not use to this. It's like I'm on vacation.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
What's wrong with me (at least when it comes to infertility)
In past posts I've explained what has gotten me here but I haven't gone into detail about what's actually wrong. So here's where I stand now: I have stage 3 1/2 to 4 endometriosis which is on my appendix, ovaries, bladder and other various places around my abdominal cavity. It looks like black marks, except on my ovaries where it instead is in the form of cysts (not to be gross, but they're called chocolate cysts because they are filled with old blood). The cysts have caused my ovaries to appear several times their normal size and they are completely attached to my abdomen (they should be able to be moved freely with a tool during the laparoscopy). The cysts have also caused me to not release eggs. This was first discovered while having an ultrasound series done last July, and it was confirmed by Dr. Hilgers in August. The good thing, though, is that I am producing eggs. It's just that the cysts are completely in the way and so the eggs just basically shrivel up and die because they can't get out. I also have a web-like thing on my liver that Dr. Hilgers is going to remove during the laparotamy. He doesn't know what it is, which scared me at first. But then I realized that if it was something potentially serious he wouldn't have let me wait five months to have it removed. He is also going to take my appendix out during the surgery.
So all this time I haven't been ovulating. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests over the last three years and I never had a shot at any of them. Dr. Hilgers said there's no chance, barring a miracle, that I can get pregnant before my surgery. This news was upsetting at first, but it's been kind of relaxing since then knowing that I don't have to worry about what day I'm on, if I've had enough mucus and if we're trying on the right days. It's been a bit of a break. But on the flip side, it's frustrating knowing that I just have to wait. There's no way I will get pregnant any time soon.
Dr. Hilgers also told me that my bloodwork shows I will need some hormone therapy following my surgery. He said the hormone levels that are off are due to stress. I couldn't believe it! Well actually I could. But what really surprised me was that simply de-stressing was not enough to regulate the hormones. I can relax all I want and I still need to take something.
So now there's less than a month to go until my surgery and I'm officially starting to get nervous. I'm not scared of the actual surgery. What makes me nervous is the physical pain immediately following and the emotional pain if I still can't get pregnant in the months following. That's why it is so hard to have hope. I am constantly protecting myself from potential future heartache. Hope really scares me. If anyone happens to read this (and makes it to this point) and has some advice on how to have hope in the face of possible heartbreak, please let me know.
On the bright side, a few months ago I wouldn't have been able to write any of this. I had absolutely no idea what was wrong with me and thought I could potentially never know for sure. So this is a step in the right direction. And I am thankful everyday that I've found the Pope Paul VI Institute. I know I am in the right hands and have the greatest chance for success that I can possibly have.
So all this time I haven't been ovulating. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests over the last three years and I never had a shot at any of them. Dr. Hilgers said there's no chance, barring a miracle, that I can get pregnant before my surgery. This news was upsetting at first, but it's been kind of relaxing since then knowing that I don't have to worry about what day I'm on, if I've had enough mucus and if we're trying on the right days. It's been a bit of a break. But on the flip side, it's frustrating knowing that I just have to wait. There's no way I will get pregnant any time soon.
Dr. Hilgers also told me that my bloodwork shows I will need some hormone therapy following my surgery. He said the hormone levels that are off are due to stress. I couldn't believe it! Well actually I could. But what really surprised me was that simply de-stressing was not enough to regulate the hormones. I can relax all I want and I still need to take something.
So now there's less than a month to go until my surgery and I'm officially starting to get nervous. I'm not scared of the actual surgery. What makes me nervous is the physical pain immediately following and the emotional pain if I still can't get pregnant in the months following. That's why it is so hard to have hope. I am constantly protecting myself from potential future heartache. Hope really scares me. If anyone happens to read this (and makes it to this point) and has some advice on how to have hope in the face of possible heartbreak, please let me know.
On the bright side, a few months ago I wouldn't have been able to write any of this. I had absolutely no idea what was wrong with me and thought I could potentially never know for sure. So this is a step in the right direction. And I am thankful everyday that I've found the Pope Paul VI Institute. I know I am in the right hands and have the greatest chance for success that I can possibly have.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)