Good Friday

Friday night and still no more spotting or anything more than that, for that matter. So I have no idea what is going on because this is highly unusual for me. I always have spotting at the beginning of a cycle (I think I've read that happens with endometriosis?) but my period usually follows immediately. I've never spotted then had nothing for 24 hours.

I'm wondering if maybe spotting during the luteal phase is a side effect of parlodel, which I started taking a couple weeks ago. I haven't found anything that says this yet though. Maybe the medication is also to blame for the cramps I've had this week. I hadn't thought of that. If not, though, I'm just so curious what is going on.

I'm also very anxious tonight because the tooth I had filled last month is aching. It only happens when I use it to chew and it's been hurting like that for five days now. The first day I thought it was a fluke, but tonight I officially started freaking out. I'm convinced I'll need it refilled (best case scenario) or have a root canal (worst case scenario). Either of those possibilities causes me to lose it. When I was crying to my mom tonight she even asked if something else was wrong, implying I couldn't possibly be this upset about the dentist. Oh no, I am. I know it might not be rational, but it's a phobia. But seriously, does this have to happen to me? I'm scared to death of the dentist.. I go and get my filling and am so proud of myself.. and then I have to have it done over? I can't catch a break. See, I'm still freaking out. Maybe it's nothing. Please God, let it feel better tomorrow!

So I went to Good Friday Mass today at three p.m. and was having a horrible time paying attention. It seemed like everything was taking for ever, every chant seemed to last for hours, and I just wanted it all to be over. I felt horrible about this but it seemed like I couldn't help it. I think I'm having some sort of spiritual crisis because this has been happening in Mass for a few weeks now. I'm constantly thinking about how far along the Mass is and I feel a sense of relief when I know we're more than half way through (not something I'm proud of). I mean, on a certain level I completely understand what Christ did for us, and yet I can't give Him my attention for two hours on Good Friday? He suffered on the cross, but standing and listening to St. John's passion sung is more than I can handle? Seriously? So I knew I had to go to confession after Mass, for this and many other reasons. So I did. I always leave confession feeling great, happy to have a clean slate and hoping to preserve that clean slate for as long as possible. Well, tonight, while crying to my husband about my tooth issue, I suddenly sobbed "why does this **** always happen to me?" Now, let me just say I don't swear. I use to, but stopped a few years ago. Now I reserve it for really special occasions, like when I want my husband to know I'm really mad. But in a situation like this? Right after confession? And using that word? (my usual word of choice is a little harsher). That's how I went down? Surprised to hear it come out of my mouth, I immediately sobbed, "I didn't mean to say that!" So the crystal clean slate has been muddied. I'm back to the familiar world of sinners. It's always nice while it lasts!