Sleepless nights

Tonight I was pondering exactly why I haven't been to my blog lately (no, I'm not pregnant) and I can't really come up with a good reason. I guess it's because things are still kind of unstable here. And then there's Luke's lack of sleeping. That's nothing new, it just has come to the breaking point where it's driving me absolutely nuts. And to bring it all full circle, I suppose that's, at best, not helping my anxiety and, at worst, even causing it on some level. It's like we never left the newborn stage; we're still not getting seven or eight uninterrupted hours of sleep. This morning we celebrated because we had five. Five. It occurred to me after saying it out loud how crazy that sounds.

You know how you tell yourself that those first few sleepless months of a baby's life will be over before you know it? Well, we told ourselves that, only it never passed. With the exception of a few weeks here and there where he slept well, Luke is still a colicky infant between the hours of 8 p.m. and 8 a.m. He naps well, though, so there's that (and in case you are wondering, we've tried no naps, earlier naps, shorter naps, you name it. Nothing changes his night problems). 

I'm also currently weaning him (again, in case you're wondering, his sleep problems were here before weaning), which we can only hope might end up helping him to sleep better in some way. It hasn't been easy - I'm still nursing him once a day - but I'm noticing he is asking less and less and not getting as upset for as long when I say "no" (but, to put it in context, it's been over a week and he still cries and pouts, fighting to get my shirt up, each and every time). The really good news is he wants to cuddle with me on the couch a lot lately (he's actually quite demanding, telling me to "lay down" and "move your hair"), like he is replacing nursing with cuddling. And that just warms my heart.

Now I'm heading to bed since - the miracle of all miracles - Luke is, for now, asleep in his converted crib. This will be his second night in it; he had been "sleeping" on a flip sofa on the floor, which really meant he slept wherever he passed out after screaming and crying for two hours straight. And that was always on the hardwood floor in front of his door. But the floor doesn't allow for adjustments in the middle of the night, so he'd always wake up and end up in bed with us. That's the hard part of sleep-training Luke - you feel like you've run a marathon when he finally falls asleep after hours of screaming, only to have him wake up an hour later. That doesn't do a whole lot of good for your psyche the next night when you're trying to talk yourself into letting him cry instead of scooping him up and cuddling on the couch until your husband comes home. 

But, for some reason, his new bed has worked. He still cries and falls asleep by his door, but the crying only lasts for a couple minutes. And after we move him back to his bed, the entire process only repeats a few times (usually until Ryan comes home and moves him back one last time), compared to hundreds of times when he was climbing out of his crib, or just had the flip sofa, or the week where he decided to strip naked and pee all over in a (successful) effort to get me to come in and get him.

We'll see how long he stays asleep tonight. Maybe it will be longer than five hours. But, if not, sleeping with him in our bed from 5 til 8 a.m. isn't so bad (I secretly love it). It's the crying and screaming as he's "falling asleep" that I dread. So I'm praying this new converted bed is the answer. And, if he's good, I've promised him a Thomas the Train bed. I checked Craigslist just to see if there were any, and oh ya, there were like five. Apparently a Thomas bed isn't something you hang onto as an heirloom. 

One night recently, I was questioning whether he even understood this deal I had made with him, to get a Thomas bed if he falls asleep without crying for a week straight. He's just a baby, I thought. Maybe I'm expecting too much of him. Then, as the little stinker sat by me on the couch after I had rescued him from his big, bad room, he pointed to the TV and said, "Big Brother, Mommy!" Ya, he understands. If all he has to see is Julie Chen to know what show is on (and I swear I barely watched it this season), then he knows exactly what deal I've made with him. And he knows exactly what he's supposed to be doing come 8:30 at night. 

I'll leave you with a family photo we took the other night, the first one EVER where both kids are smiling. It's safe to say I was a little excited when I saw what we had captured (and on self-timer, no less). And notice Luke's new hair cut, his first ever. Grandma did it, because I am no good at cutting hair. Just ask my college roommate. 

We look like a well-rested family, right? Clara's the only one who is. Thank God she sleeps through anything.