My appointment and a huge change

My appointment with Dr. S went okay. I did arrive 30 minutes late, so it got off to a bad start. I had the time wrong by 15 minutes and thought we were actually 15 minutes late, but it was worse. And the appointment was at 7:15 a.m., I should add. After waking up to feed a baby all night, that was a tough one (obviously, since we couldn't pull it off).

So we arrived 30 minutes late and were taken back to the exam room. Dr. S came in and asked a bunch of questions about my history. I did find it rather difficult to recall specifically what all my pelvic pains were in recent months - the duration, severity, location, type, etc. I don't know, they all blend together after years of pain!

He then did the exam and I also had my annual done since it was overdue. Then, in the interest of warning all of you who are going to see him in the coming months, he did another type of exam. The kind that involves, well, I don't feel like typing it out, but if you really want to know you can email me. It's the type of exam that I was warned about, myself, ahead of time, and feared for several hours leading up to it.

Then he came back in and said he would like me to do a month-long hormone series next cycle, the kind where you get your blood drawn every other day or so. At the same time, he wants me to do a ultrasound series as well. I know that's sounds pretty basic, but after five years of infertility, this will be the first time those two things are done simultaneously (as long as I can find a place in the next few days where they are willing to do the ultrasounds the way Dr. S has outlined).

He also said he would like me to have another hysterosalpinogram (I just typed that from memory, so it might be way off of what it's really called, but it's the tube thing). I've already had it done twice and it was always normal, so probably not my problem but possibly worth checking into.

He also said he could tell from the internal exam that I might possibly have adhesions on my right ovary, the same one that was operated on last August, as well as on some muscle that connects the cervix to something. I don't really remember. But he did say it might not be affecting my fertility at all. And he said my uterus is tilted to the right.

That was it. He really didn't offer me any guesses at what may be wrong. Hopefully the hormone series and ultrasounds will give him more to go on. I have a follow-up appointment scheduled for April. Oh, and he prescribed me some low dose naltrexone.

I'm really indifferent about it all. I was very glad to be able to visit FJIEJ and to meet her husband (who are so sweet and hospitable!), but as far as trying to figure out what's wrong with me, I'm kind of over it. I'm hoping I can find the motivation to look for a place to have the ultrasounds done. It's not my priority any more, to say the least.

During the appointment I actually sat on the exam table and uttered seven words I thought would never come out of my mouth. Something so unimaginable that I'm sure hell got a cold front and probably, somewhere, pigs were flying.

I don't even want to be pregnant.

I said it. And if you don't believe me, Ryan witnessed it, although he was in shock.

I mean, is it wrong that I am secretly happy I got Clara just days after finding out about her, rather than nine months later? Is it wrong that I am secretly glad that I don't have to endure any of the physical problems of being pregnant (I just know that I'd have issues)?

The thing is, after falling in love with Clara, I realized wholeheartedly that I don't need a pregnancy to get exactly what I've always wanted - a baby to love and the privilege of being her mother.

Trust me, I am blown away that I am thinking these thoughts. I coveted a pregnancy for so long that I didn't think I could ever remember what it'd be like to not be centrally focused on that one goal. But, literally overnight, it all went away. It's clearly the grace of God, and I am here to say that He works miracles.

I am not saying I won't ever have tough times again, and I might go through spurts where I wish I could have a biological child. But, at least in this moment, I have no desire. None. And I am eternally grateful for it. The most monstrous weight imaginable has been lifted off my shoulders. There is light after the darkness. God is so good.