Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Time keeps ticking

It seems that a bunch of weeks have passed without me blogging. And some of you have even checked up on me! Thank you! I assume no one even notices, or cares, so I appreciate it.

I'm okay. We're okay. Really, nothing eventful has happened at all.

We went to the beach. It was super fun, but chilly.

We're in a holding pattern for a possible move. I'm praying like crazy and anxiously awaiting God to show us what's in store. And if you have a second, and have prayed for, like, everything else in the Universe already, I wouldn't stop you from asking God to bless us in that department.

We're doing a lot of playing outside. Some preschool. But mostly playing.

Essie is keeping us EXTREMELY busy. Can I stress the "extremely"? More than the all-caps is already doing? Our crazy girl deserves her own post. Look for that coming soon.

Oh, and we have a superhero among us now. I feel safer than ever. Although I'm busy washing his cape and jammies every single day.

I'm not sure why I've been gone so long without coming here. Part of it, I think, is because all I wanted to blog about after the miscarriage was... the miscarriage. But who wants to hear about that every day?

And part of it is that by the time the kids go to bed at night all I'm able to do is stare blankly at the TV. And edit photos. Okay, so if we're being honest I pick editing photos over this blog. There. I said it.

But editing photos is so much more relaxing than confronting my emotions and putting them out there for everyone to see.

So, about that miscarriage. It's been particularly hard lately hearing about a) all the people due just before me who are about to pop, and b) hearing all the pregnancy announcements for, say, December. Really? Ugh. I'd be SO far along right now. I'd probably have stopped being nervous a while ago. But I'd still be counting each week as it comes, thankful for every single one. And yet time just keeps on ticking. People who weren't even pregnant yet when I miscarried know their baby's gender. 

I don't know why that depresses me, but it just does.

And then the guilt sets in. I'm so lucky! I'm so blessed! How can I feel this way?

That's a rhetorical question. At least it is tonight because I have no answer.

I'm already up too late (darn blogging!) so I must go. Hopefully I'll be back before June. 


  1. Hello!

    I follow your blog and our stories are quite similar. I have kept checking in on you and am glad that you posted some fun playing shots. My children are 7 1/2, almost 5 1/2 and 3 yr 2 mo. Girl, boy, girl. Adopted, IVF, IVF. We were VERY lucky that each of our IVF cycles worked on the first try and our last was actually twins until 7 weeks! Oh my....4 under 5 would have been quite the handful as our #3 keeps us on our toes!

    THEN over a year ago, in December before our baby turned 2, we discovered we were pg naturally. TOTALLY absurd and totally unbelievable. I took 3 test to be sure! At 9 weeks, there was no heartbeat and I too had a miscarriage. The following several months through the due date and up until just before our lasts' 3rd birthday two months ago, it was hard. AND different things set different emotions off.

    I too am wracked with what if's and why am I not happy with all that I am blessed's normal and natural and scary and sad.

    Hang in there! It's peaks and valleys and it's a journey you didn't expect. breathe deeply. enjoy the little moments. allow yourself the grief. Just be sure to take care of you and keep blogging your adorable amazing kids!

    Wishing you the best,

  2. I had been wondering a out you! The pic of Luke....oh my goodness!!!! Frame that!!!!

  3. A miscarriage is a deep and profound loss. It is a part of who you are now, and exists along side your joys and blessings. It is a "sword in the heart." It doesn't mean that you appreciate your blessings any less. give yourself a place and time to grieve and bring your pain; maybe when you're praying the sorrowful mysteries. hang in there, many prayers for you and your family. and your pictures are awesome. I can't get over that one of Luke posing-too much! what a moment captured.

  4. After my miscarriage in March, someone shared something with me to remind me that it's okay to grieve this terrible loss. Right before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, Jesus wept. Even though he was God, even though he was about to bring his friend back to life. Death is always ugly and it's okay to be sad.

  5. Missed you and those pics! Looks like great fun at the beach and will pray for the house. Oh toddlers, they are a somethin'! Don't beat yourself up about the miscarriage. With time the sting will fade, not disappear but fade. Just keep offering it up, that can help. Prayers!

  6. Beautiful pictures, as always K! :) Luke's little poses are seriously adorable…those will be fun to show him when he's older!

    Also random side note: Your blog doesn't come up on my Bloglovin' feed on my phone! So weird!!!

    1. Weird! It's on Bloglovin. Hmmm... I know nothing about that so I don't know how to fix it...

  7. Oh, they're all getting so big.

    I'm so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. It's really hard to comprehend how much it hurts until you've been through it. <3