Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Coming clean

I'm so behind in posting. And it weighs on me. As do my thank you cards, emails I have yet to return, the blanket that's taking me six months to knit, etc., etc.

So right now I find myself with a few minutes as Clara sleeps (although she is due to wake up any minute, of course) and most of my chores are done.

I have so many updates circulating in my mind. Even though I haven't posted regularly in quite some time, I still think in blog posts on a regular basis. I kind of write them in my head. And lately, that's where they have stayed.

I think part of the reason I have resisted posting (the main reason, of course, is time) is because I have so much to say and any post I attempt would be a hodge podge. Well, I can't worry about that right now, so here's a hodge podge...

I will say, first, that Clara is doing better, although she does seem to have trouble breathing today. And I am stressed about it. I am struggling with how to know when she needs a breathing treatment, when she's really bad, when to call the doctor. I am probably doing an okay job, but it just gets to you, you know? I think only now am I fully feeling the weight of her hospitalization. When we were there it was pretty much a whirlwind and I just went with the flow. Now, home, I think it's hitting me. Plus, I don't have the round-the-clock care from nurses and doctors that was so reassuring.

So, there has been something that I've been wanting to post about for some time. I think this is another reason why I haven't come here in a while, because I wasn't sure how I could really be my (new) self. I am a completely different person than I was pre-Clara. Throughout the last couple of years, All You Who Hope was a sad, shell of a person who was doing her best to hang on and I am not that person any more. At all. And I haven't been sure how to come here - the place where I expressed the depths of my depression for two years, and received countless blessings through the support of so many of you - when I'm not that person any longer.

Honestly, I am okay with it, but I have worried about all of you. So many of you are still hurting, and the last thing I want to do is shove my happiness in your face. I know all too well what it feels like to click onto a blog where the person is just happy as can be with their little baby. Especially one where the author was in my boat not too long ago. At best, it was heartbreaking, a reminder of what I was lacking, and, at worst, I resented those mothers terribly. I don't blame anyone who feels that way. It's all part of the struggle.

So I don't want it to be offensive, but at the same time, I don't feel right hiding my new-found joy. This blog is nothing if not honest. And, after all, I have written so many terribly sad posts and questioned on here so often why God would let me suffer, don't I owe it to Him to now sing from the rooftops about how happy I am? I can't imagine that God wants anyone to keep their happiness inside.

And I also think about how my story is different from those who have been blessed with a pregnancy. I didn't get a positive test, never have. God gave me our child in a manner that I used to think was a "plan b". I adopted. I should be sharing my miracle with all who will listen, because I would have wanted to read that story when I was struggling with starting the process.

So, without further ado, I am coming clean about this - I am completely, 100% happy. Like I have never experienced before in my life, happy. I am like a different person. My husband wonders where his wife went and who this is in her place! I love Clara with every fiber of my being and I don't even think about the fact that I didn't carry her for nine months. I mean, really, whose heart wouldn't overflow when looking at this face?

My whole mind-set has changed. I used to be, for so long, so utterly depressed. Everything was gray; nothing gave me pleasure. I was miserable. Now, it couldn't possibly be more different. My outlook is one of excitement for every new day. I don't care what is going on around me, I am content just to be with Clara and to be her mother. I didn't know it was possible to be this totally content.

I am actually pretty surprised about this. I am a pretty complicated person, emotionally. I have dealt with depression and anxiety, even pre-infertility. I also am my own worst enemy and often end up derailing myself. So I would have expected to have issues even after taking Clara home. I expected to resist happiness, because that's what I do. To not be comfortable with it, after not feeling it for so long. Well, by the grace of God, I had no trouble with the transition at all. My demeanor shifted from sadness to joy overnight and I've never looked back.

Now, I am not completely naive to think that I'll never again be depressed. That I'll never wish I could carry a child in my womb, or that I won't wilt under the pressures of motherhood. And, although I can't possibly imagine it now, there may be attachment issues at some point. I will deal with that as it comes, but for now, I am reveling in what I dreamed about for so long, which I, at times, honestly didn't think I'd experience until Heaven - pure and utter joy.

So there it is. I feel better having gotten that off my chest, and I will try not to shy away from it in the future. I hope I can be an example to those of you still waiting. It can happen. Your life can go from misery to contentment in no time at all. It may take five-and-a-half years (or longer) but God's plan will play out for you. It may not be what you wanted or expected, but it will probably be even better.

I know not everyone experiences such a profound change like I did, but I pray that you will. Miracles do happen!


  1. I honestly never thought I would get to the point where I had noy joy in my life, and no hope for the future. But it has definately come to that.
    I don't resent you in any way. Maybe if I didn't know you IRL I would ;) But as my friend, I couldn't be happier for you!! I truly hope and pray this happens for everyone bearing such a heavy cross.
    But I do question God, more and more in the past few months. He seems to be showing me over and over just what I will always be missing, as I can never adopt. On the blogs, I see story after story of MIRACULOUS adoptions, overnight adoptions, perfect adoptions. In daily life, I'm confronted almost weekly with a couple who sees their perfectly healthy baby on the first ultrasound and decides to abort it. All the while my hands are tied. I feel like God is dangling these stories and these babies in front of my face, and I just don't understand why. I have had the equivalent of an adoption hysterectomy, after all!

    But back to you :) Please don't feel that my suffering in any way reflects on my inner happiness for you, and all of my beloved friends. At times in my not-so-distant past, I would pray harder for you than I would for dh and myself... I knew you were in the depths of despair and needed something good. And He provided you with the BEST!

    God Bless you and your beautiful family!! And thank you for always being honest.

  2. Such a beautiful post. I'm glad to hear about your happiness! I have been following your blog for some time and was getting the impression that you were having trouble posting about your newfound joy. I totally get that! As happy as we were after our first child, after about 3 years of not being able to conceive again, the joy began to diminish slowly. After all, what better gift to give your child than a sibling, right? And we couldn't. But with our recent news, I too am a totally different person. Embracing life more and being more present. I get where you are at, although to not have any children is a completely different struggle, I think. Congratulations to you and definitely rejoice freely - God's will was done for you just as it will be for all those other women. Somehow, someday. God bless!

  3. What a BEAUTIFUL post. You give me hope and I feel nothing but joy for your happiness. Thank you so much for sharing.

  4. Beautiful post :) I have been praying for you, that motherhood is all you ever dreamed it would be! Sounds like it is! I am so happy for you- for myself, your story reinforces what you said at the end- God's plan for us is better than we can imagine!

  5. K~ you've waited so long for your sweet Clara that you shouldn't feel at all bad about exuding your joy! She is such a precious gift and truly shows how miraculous God's plan for each one of us is. Keep smiling! :)

  6. Could you check your e-mail when you get the chance? It's about . . . the gift.

  7. I don't resent you either. Not at all, and I am glad you are sharing these feelings here. It's your place to let it all out. I can't want for my turn with the joy that you have experienced!

  8. I am so happy for you! Your post remindes me of a quote I heard last night at my prayer group...
    "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do [men] light a lamp, and put it under the peck-measure, but on the lampstand; and it gives light to all who are in the house.Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

  9. K – all of this is beautiful and I would hate to think that after all the depression you’ve been through that motherhood would fall short of your expectations. I would hate to think of that unhappiness continuing despite the answer to your prayers. To see (through reading eyes) your happiness is to give hope. I think once we “reach the other side” we still have to support those whose pain we know so well in whatever way we can and you can give hope. You had no prospects. If I recall, there were many waiting families ahead of you. Clara had “potential parents” who backed out and was born in a far away state. And yet, God still found a way to connect you to your daughter. Enjoy absolutely every second with your sweet Clara and rejoice in this most precious gift.

  10. Clara is definitely a gift from God and such a joy is to be celebrated. It offer all of us who wait the hope and anticipation that we will know such joy--and isn't that a good thing? We are made to rejoice--it comes to us in myriad paths--and hearing how happy you and Ryan is wonderful.
    God Bless you and keep smiling.

  11. I want to hear about your joy. It just gives me hope in God's plan. And as a friend, just hearing about your happiness and getting to share that with you through the blog means a lot. Keep sharing with us. :)

  12. I love it! Because we traveled with you in the depths of that despair, it is just wonderful to see you so happy now. It is comforting/inspiring to see that it can turn around ... God can make all things new, bring darkness to light.
    Thanks for continuing to share with us on the journey!

  13. What a beautifully honest post K. I'm glad you're sharing your joy through your blog.

  14. I discovered your blog not long before little Clara came to you and I honestly thought I might have to stop reading it because the depth of your despair was so wrenching and I would get so anxious thinking about you. I'm so glad I kept checking! I followed all you updates as you went to pick her up. I think I speak for practically every single reader when I say that we are OVERJOYED for you. We all want to keep hearing from the new you. The reason that I follow so many IF blogs is that you all inspire me so much to trust God with my vocation. After all, hope is meant to be fulfilled by joy. "All You Who Hope" is reminding the rest of us of that.

  15. I second, Oil In My Lamp! What a beautiful reflection that hope is meant to be fulfilled by joy! I am so glad that you are sharing your joy of your newfound motherhood. You, and all of you girls, are such incredible witnesses of women who are prayerfully and hopefully, following God and His plan for their lives.

  16. I am so happy for you! I have read your blog from time to time, and it is so good to hear how happy you are now. God is good! best wishes to you and your new family :)

  17. Beautiful post. And you're right, you've been so honest about the bad times, it is only right to proclaim the good!! (And hopefully help a few people out there considering adoption...because adoption is awesome!)

  18. ok, there are so many thoughts that are running through my head right now, that I don't know where to begin.

    First of all, I have to say that seeing this transformation, this miraculous transformation in your life, your marriage, your family has only continued to bring hope, not sadness. Maybe it is that I prayed so much for you all that I feel like one of my prayers were answered with this miracle adoption that you and Ryan have been blessed with at this time in your life!

    I can understand why you feel the need to be cautious, that is how I felt when I found out I was pregnant in April. I wanted to share my joy with others, but was painfully aware that my joy could cause some other beautiful soul pain or sadness.

    Live your happiness with every ounce of your being!!! Celebrate your life and all the people it includes ;)

    Please keep sharing, it has been a great opportunity to watch you grow and receive the gift of life so graciously.

  19. K - Thank you for singing from the rooftops and showing how God's plan is already in place for us. It gave me goosebumps to read about your happiness and I am so glad that all of the prayers that were offered up for you were answered! Please continue to enjoy, celebrate, and share!

  20. I've been reading forevah! :) And I can say that the past year (before Clara) were so painful to read. Even to a point that I thought maybe we needed to show up at your doorstep and have an intervention. It made me feel desperate and I wanted you to be a mother before me.

    I need to hear you joy because I'm struggling right now is will I have any joy once my free time is stripped from me? Yes, I'm that selfish!

    If you don't post about your joy I'm not sure how God would feel....Maybe sad because he gave you such a great gift!? IDK.... :)

    Keep posting!!! :)

  21. I love this post and I praise God for the miracle of Clara, AND the miracle He has done in your heart!!

    You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. And you are a wonderful mother. This has all been so painful, but motherhood doesn't come easy for everyone. (present company included ha ha!) Perhaps we are the "lucky ones" ...

  22. K- I praise you for such an honest post. Truly beautiful. Once again, your post hit something within me.

    I have been following you for a while, but I stopped once I miraculously (literally) became pregnant after being told IVF was my only chance...which I wouldn't do. It was the weirdest situation for me because I was so happy and yet felt guilty at the same time. Why me? Why not you whom I had followed for so long and had been battling infertility longer than me? I was so grateful, yet didn't know if I was worthy enough to have this blessing. I was afraid that somehow something would go wrong. However, I have finally moved past those feelings and am enjoying my 5 month old son.

    I hope you continue to enjoy the happiness you have finally experienced! Clara is a lucky little girl to have such a wonderful, holy and strong mom! God bless.

  23. :)

    This makes me exceptionally happy.

  24. don't even worry about being behind... life is all about little Miss Clara now, and what a Resurrection! She's a doll and you're such a good mama.

  25. i was telling the hubs about you, your story and your new little girl a few nights ago. and i was telling him what a light you are going to be. so many people read your blog. so many struggling with infertility. and i think so many see adoption as plan b. but now they are going to see your fam and i hope it warms there heart to a different path god might take them to create a family. there are just so many children and babies out there that need good homes. and if i could convince anyone to just take the step, i know there would be no regret. and i am so glad these women will get to see your life, your process and your sweet family come together through a different kind of miracle. but a miracle nonetheless. thanks for sharing your journey with all of us!

  26. somehow I missed this post! I think your perfect joy of Clara and being a Mother should be told! Too many think infertility is 'the end" and adoption as not for them.........but you were that way at one time as was see you now totally fulfilled as a MOTHER...not an adoptive mother but a real true MOTHER is beautiful to see and we want more................:)