Sleepless nights

Tonight I was pondering exactly why I haven't been to my blog lately (no, I'm not pregnant) and I can't really come up with a good reason. I guess it's because things are still kind of unstable here. And then there's Luke's lack of sleeping. That's nothing new, it just has come to the breaking point where it's driving me absolutely nuts. And to bring it all full circle, I suppose that's, at best, not helping my anxiety and, at worst, even causing it on some level. It's like we never left the newborn stage; we're still not getting seven or eight uninterrupted hours of sleep. This morning we celebrated because we had five. Five. It occurred to me after saying it out loud how crazy that sounds.

You know how you tell yourself that those first few sleepless months of a baby's life will be over before you know it? Well, we told ourselves that, only it never passed. With the exception of a few weeks here and there where he slept well, Luke is still a colicky infant between the hours of 8 p.m. and 8 a.m. He naps well, though, so there's that (and in case you are wondering, we've tried no naps, earlier naps, shorter naps, you name it. Nothing changes his night problems). 

I'm also currently weaning him (again, in case you're wondering, his sleep problems were here before weaning), which we can only hope might end up helping him to sleep better in some way. It hasn't been easy - I'm still nursing him once a day - but I'm noticing he is asking less and less and not getting as upset for as long when I say "no" (but, to put it in context, it's been over a week and he still cries and pouts, fighting to get my shirt up, each and every time). The really good news is he wants to cuddle with me on the couch a lot lately (he's actually quite demanding, telling me to "lay down" and "move your hair"), like he is replacing nursing with cuddling. And that just warms my heart.

Now I'm heading to bed since - the miracle of all miracles - Luke is, for now, asleep in his converted crib. This will be his second night in it; he had been "sleeping" on a flip sofa on the floor, which really meant he slept wherever he passed out after screaming and crying for two hours straight. And that was always on the hardwood floor in front of his door. But the floor doesn't allow for adjustments in the middle of the night, so he'd always wake up and end up in bed with us. That's the hard part of sleep-training Luke - you feel like you've run a marathon when he finally falls asleep after hours of screaming, only to have him wake up an hour later. That doesn't do a whole lot of good for your psyche the next night when you're trying to talk yourself into letting him cry instead of scooping him up and cuddling on the couch until your husband comes home. 

But, for some reason, his new bed has worked. He still cries and falls asleep by his door, but the crying only lasts for a couple minutes. And after we move him back to his bed, the entire process only repeats a few times (usually until Ryan comes home and moves him back one last time), compared to hundreds of times when he was climbing out of his crib, or just had the flip sofa, or the week where he decided to strip naked and pee all over in a (successful) effort to get me to come in and get him.

We'll see how long he stays asleep tonight. Maybe it will be longer than five hours. But, if not, sleeping with him in our bed from 5 til 8 a.m. isn't so bad (I secretly love it). It's the crying and screaming as he's "falling asleep" that I dread. So I'm praying this new converted bed is the answer. And, if he's good, I've promised him a Thomas the Train bed. I checked Craigslist just to see if there were any, and oh ya, there were like five. Apparently a Thomas bed isn't something you hang onto as an heirloom. 

One night recently, I was questioning whether he even understood this deal I had made with him, to get a Thomas bed if he falls asleep without crying for a week straight. He's just a baby, I thought. Maybe I'm expecting too much of him. Then, as the little stinker sat by me on the couch after I had rescued him from his big, bad room, he pointed to the TV and said, "Big Brother, Mommy!" Ya, he understands. If all he has to see is Julie Chen to know what show is on (and I swear I barely watched it this season), then he knows exactly what deal I've made with him. And he knows exactly what he's supposed to be doing come 8:30 at night. 

I'll leave you with a family photo we took the other night, the first one EVER where both kids are smiling. It's safe to say I was a little excited when I saw what we had captured (and on self-timer, no less). And notice Luke's new hair cut, his first ever. Grandma did it, because I am no good at cutting hair. Just ask my college roommate. 

We look like a well-rested family, right? Clara's the only one who is. Thank God she sleeps through anything.

Extended trip

Our week-long visit to my parents turned into a two-week long stay for me and the kids. Ryan was kind enough to offer to drive home for work this past week and come back and get us today.

That means we got a lot of time to relax, play, and spend quality time with Nana and Boppy. And I was able to not do laundry, cook or clean. It was much needed, and I don't know that I'm ready to return to normal life yet. But we are all super excited to see Ryan in a few hours, so that will ease the transition.

What I have done the past two weeks is take pictures. Lots of them. Ryan is always telling me to just enjoy what we're doing instead of worrying about capturing it in photos. But I looooove to capture it in photos. I just do. I try to maintain a balance, but this week was great because we were just hanging out. So lots of time for portraits, candids, and excruciatingly difficult group cousin shots. I've decided we need some older cousins to hold the babies. That would make life a lot easier ;)

Here are some of my favorite shots. I can only imagine how much fun I'll have when these kids actually like having their picture taken. That will happen one day, right???

Our whole family at my mother's surprise retirement party

Our wedding reception was held in the building behind us (Farmers' Museum, Cooperstown, NY)

In front of their great-grandmother's memorial tree in my parent's backyard

I love this, but I wish it wasn't followed by a bite (which now you can easily picture, right?)

I'm going to miss all the great photo ops, pretty backdrops, and photogenic cousins. And, of course, my family. I just know my kids are going to go through withdrawal from their grandparents and especially their playmate, cousin Caleigh. I really wished we lived closer, but it's just not possible. So, instead, I am thankful for fun-filled, extended visits like this one :)

How I know there is a God

If I needed more proof that God is real, then I think I could use this as evidence...

While visiting my family in Upstate New York, we stopped by the Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha shrine today. After walking the Stations of the Cross, we came upon statues of Our Lady and St. Joseph glancing up at a crucifix.

That's when my rambunctious two-year-old daughter, who is smack-dab in the middle of the "terrible-twos" and who usually runs in the opposite direction of my camera, knelt down in prayer - completely unprompted - and stayed like that for a few minutes.

That's one thing. But then she became completely entranced. I can't remember the last time this girl stopped and sat still for this long (especially with no phone or TV show involved!).

I just kept taking photo after photo and she didn't even glance up at me. So I moved closer, and still she didn't budge. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but it was like she was some place else.

Then this...

...gave my mother and me chills.

I am telling you, this is not what a two-year-old does. Any mother of a toddler will tell you that. And in our house, bedtime prayers are often a fight. But today she was moved by something bigger, I am sure of it.

What I would give to know what she was thinking. Or what was being said to her.

"Let the children come to me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it."(Mark 10:14-15)

My two toddlers

My kids are getting so big. Yes, I still have one in diapers (and another who still poops in her pull-up, so...), but it just suddenly seems like they are no longer babies.

That may be because I have seen them around actual babies lately...

Although, in reality, his six-month-old cousin does weigh the same as him.

But it might also be because Luke is basically my second two-year-old lately. Our little Irish twins now might as well be real twins.

I'm not sure when it happened, but Luke and Clara are equally giving me a run for my money. They both fight bed time (oh, you have no idea what we are dealing with over here), throw tantrums (Clara still more than Luke, thankfully), fight with each other, inflict bodily harm upon each other, make it their job to never stay in naughty spot, and just generally wreak havoc on our house.

Not that you could tell from this...

Or, maybe you can. Is it just me, or do they even look like they're up to something here?

It's truly amazing how much the second child can rise (or drop, as the case may be) to the level of the first one.

And it's not all bad stuff. For instance, he is so verbal, which I'm assuming is because of her. I bet the influence is even greater than if she was a lot older than him. I think because of their closeness in age, he really feels like he needs to keep up with her.

And oh boy, does he ever. She is still more verbal than he is, of course, but he can definitely hold his own. I have even overheard them having conversations with each other, which the first time was the weirdest thing. My two itty-bitty babies saying, Clara:"You want to go outside, Lukie?" Luke:"I'll go outside." C:"Get your shoes." L:"Where my shoes?"

Weren't they just born? Now they conversating separate from their mother? Making plans?

Here's Luke at lunch today, telling me very matter-of-factly what he's doing...

And while I'm posting videos, here's Clara jumping in the pool yesterday. It was her third time in a big pool this summer and her first time jumping in. And let me tell you, she LOVES the pool and everything about it. She would live in the water if we let her. But when did she become big enough to do this??? Babies don't jump in the pool!



And with that nap time is over. It's been so long that I forgot how great it is to recharge during simultaneous naps. I could get used to this..

Checking in

Finally talked to my doctor today and he doesn't think my panic was due to any of the medications I was taking and then subsequently stopped taking (on my own). But he agreed that what is more important is that I think going off of them helped me. So I guess I'm just playing mind games with myself and as long as that works, then everyone's happy.

He also doesn't think it's hormonal (although he did say fluctuating hormones can definitely make it worse). My anxiety starts on cycle day one and lasts through ovulation. He said there's nothing he's ever heard of that would cause that. But, because he's open to trying things, he suggested I take the low-dose prozac he originally prescribed me for pms and take it the first two weeks of my cycle instead of the second two. So I'll probably be starting that soon.

I am disappointed that it might actually be from my brain, and not hormones that can be easily fixed with some medication. I'm disappointed it might not be from a medication.. a foreign substance that wasn't me, which I stopped taking and, in turn, stopped the anxiety. If it's in my brain, then it can come back any time and that scares me. 

I have dealt with serious anxiety two other times in my life. Once when I was 17 and once when I was 27 (apparently this current bout decided to arrive two years earlier than scheduled). Both of those times it lasted for months and then just became less and less over time until I realized one day that I had been normal for a while. I'm holding onto all hope that the same thing happens now. It's been three months since it started, so it could be coming to a close any day now. At least that's what I'm telling myself. 

Thankfully, I have felt mostly normal lately. Although my mom would tell you that I'm still texting her every day asking her to talk me down.. but seriously, I am WAY better than I was before. Most importantly, I am able to enjoy things and have positive emotions. When I was in the thick of it I had one emotional setting - terrified. That was it. 

I really have felt better lately though. One bright spot - and likely a huge help to my emotional state - is that we joined a gym. We never could afford it in the past, but thanks to the adoption tax credit we were able to pay off our debt, which freed up things for us. I'm seriously so thankful for that. I used to have such gym envy! Now we try to go every day, and we drop the kids off at the awesome gym daycare (which they LOVE) and Ryan and I work out together for an hour. We even taken the kids swimming there once a week, which is their new favorite thing.

Anyway, it was truly a Godsend because it's already helped me emotionally, and I pray it continues to do so. 

I'm so sorry this blog has become about anxiety. And that's when I actually do get around to posting. The only reason I am now is because my phone died and I couldn't find a charger and therefore was forced onto our desktop (which is where I blog).. and because Luke, who wouldn't nap, was sitting in my lap watching various renditions of America the Beautiful (his current favorite song, which he learned from the Obama ad where Mitt Romney is heard singing it) on YouTube and fell asleep to them. But when I get up to put him in his bed, he wakes up and says, "No Mommy! America! America!" How can I resist my little patriot? 

So, I'm sitting here with a sleeping baby on me, blogging once again about anxiety, and again, wanting to thank you for your prayers. Please, if you get a chance, perhaps offer one for me as cycle day one approaches. Severe panic began on two out of the last three cycle-day-ones and I'm obviously nervous, which probably makes it even more likely I'll get panicky on cycle day one! It really is a vicious cycle.

But I'm going to tell myself I'm fine. Everything is fine. I have anxiety and it's nothing more than that. My form of anxiety is actually really, really common. That's all it is. And maybe I'll really be surprised and be fine. It could happen, right?

And because I just can't post without a picture or two...

A little conundrum

Clara has taught her baby brother a lot of wonderful things.

For instance, she's had a huge impact on his vocabulary and verbal skills. We always wondered if her bubbly, outgoing personality would cause him to grow up a little quieter. I could have easily pictured her talking for a younger sibling. But that has not been the case.

My little baby boy is speaking in sentences these days. And the things that come out of his mouth are often Clara-isms. Like, "Sorry 'bout that!" and "It's yogurt time!" He has his own phrases too, like constantly telling me about the happenings of "Thomas the Engine," which he somehow makes into a two-syllable word since his little baby mouth can barely get out what he wants to tell us.

I really think having a one-year-older sibling has brought him up to her level with speech, and other skills as well. They're so close in age that he tries really hard to keep up, and is usually successful.

That has all been great, until last week. He was successful in learning something from her, alright. But it was something I most definitely did not want him to be taught.

My sweet 19-month-old is now climbing out of his crib.

It started a couple weeks in to them sharing a room. We had two different stints of house guests in June, plus we stayed in a hotel for a few days, and so they basically shared a room the entire month. It was going so well that we were even considering making it a permanent thing (Ryan was already dreaming up plans for a little man-corner in our third bedroom).

Then Luke decided that this escaping-from-your-crib thing that his sister does looked pretty interesting. And he had no trouble with it at all. Like most boys, he is a natural-born climber.

He was so tired that he almost fell asleep like this.

But he's just a baby. I don't even like that Clara gets out all the time, but I have some level of trust in her abilities (and even then, I know she could still break a bone). But a one-and-a-half-year-old? I'm guessing the risk level rises exponentially the younger they are. While Clara might have an iota of the concept of being careful, Luke has none.

For now, we're back in the newborn days of watching the monitor like a hawk. But that's just when I'm awake. I'm not really worried about him waking up and getting out overnight, because it wouldn't be like him to wake up calmly in the night and scheme about escaping his bed. He'd just scream for me. I'm more worried about what he may do in the morning before Ryan and I wake up.

And my biggest fear isn't even that he might hurt himself getting out. It's that he might climb on the double bed that is in there (his room also functions as a guest room) and jump and fall. Oh, there are countless ways to break a bone in this predicament!

But the hardest part so far has been that he no longer just cries in his crib at night when he doesn't want to sleep. Those days are over. He now just climbs out. And I go back and put him back in, over and over, for hours. My sister, brother-in-law and I tag-teamed and did that one night and man, is it hard! Since they went home yesterday, I just caved last night and let him stay up until 11. Not a permanent solution, that's for sure.

So what I am going to do? Well, either hope he gets over the novelty of climbing out (like Clara did, for the most part) and go back to how it used to be. If that doesn't happen, I guess we're looking at putting their crib mattresses on the floor in Clara's room (remember, his room has a guest bed that we're not interested in removing) and taking out almost everything else they could play with or climb on. If not for Luke, Clara could probably handle a regular toddler bed in her regular toddler room. But I feel like I have to bring it all down to his level since they are sharing.

But... here is where the conundrum gets even more complicated. See, there's this little problem that we're dealing with over here. It turns out that Clara has taken to biting Luke when they're alone in her room.

It happened a few times before we even put two-and-two together. Basically, I started spotting bite marks all over his body and then remembered seeing her do something to him on the monitor (which led him to scream out in pain) after she jumped in his crib during nap time. And we're pretty sure that at least two of the times he was sleeping. Then, yesterday, I caught her moments after it happened (he was awake for this one) and this time I was prepared.

It's been difficult to discipline since, for the most part, we realized so far after the fact. But she has gotten in trouble, and she and I have talked about it a lot. I'm just not sure what the cause is (since we're not in there at the time so it's probably not attention-related, nor is it over a toy [he was sleeping], and she seems to love having him in there with her, crying out his name when he's not), so it's hard to know how to change the behavior. By all accounts, she absolutely adores her brother. There are the normal sibling squabbles, but she has never, ever bitten him or anyone else in front of me. The only thing I can come up with is that even though she thinks she wants him in her room, she does resent losing her private time to play in her crib. I could always tell that was important to her. I mean, Luke is all up in her business a lot. A girl needs her space.

Anyway, that makes me nervous about putting them both, crib-less, in her room.

Does anyone have any experience with a young toddler climbing out? Or a child biting a sibling for no apparent reason, only when they're alone? I welcome advice on this little situation we are dealing with over here! Hopefully, a solution will present itself, or one or both behaviors will just stop. Until then, I'm just crossing my fingers that we won't have to make any trips to the doctor!

Big night out and great visit

It's been a while!

Well, as Ryan announced to me yesterday, the Month of Fun is over. My sister, brother-in-law and niece left early this morning and so ends our awesome stretch of exciting things to do and see. While I'm sad to see it go, it was Fun with a capital F. Here are some of the more recent highlights...

Ryan won an Emmy!

It was for his interview with President Obama. It was so exciting, and he got to give an acceptance speech and everything (he actually ran back up to the podium while the music was playing because he forgot to thank me, which ended up becoming a running gag of the night). 

Now, I love him dearly and, of course, I am super proud of him, but we both have been joking ever since he won that the excitement level over his win may be blown a tad out of proportion by friends and acquaintances. Don't get me wrong, it's a huge deal, but people are coming out of the woodwork for this. The response to this is on par with when we adopted Clara (if not more), and that was a pretty incredible situation. 

But everyone is familiar with an Emmy, so they are very impressed. And, in case you are wondering, by all accounts it is the same exact Emmy statue the stars get. Pretty cool! Yes, it is cool. And looks awesome on the resume (and, for now, on our mantle). And he deserves it for all his very hard work. But we are not letting it go to our heads over here ;)

Besides him winning, the night was a ton of fun. It was my first over-night away from the kids and we made the most of it, staying out until 2:30 in D.C.

The event was held at the Newseum in D.C.,

Trying to save a buck by riding the Metro to the awards got us there late. What were we thinking?

Just before the big win

And, as I mentioned, my sister and her family came into town the following week. We had a blast with them! It was so much fun for our kids to play together. We don't get to see them as often as we'd like, so it was great to have them stay with us and have the kids really get to know each other better.

Is my niece not the cutest? She is so sweet too. Here are some more shots from the week:

I seriously love this one. All I can think of when I look at it is DISHEVELED.

At Busch Gardens meeting Cookie! Really, they love him. Just not that close. And that's my sister if you couldn't tell ;)

These two really become best buds this visit.

And Caleigh has always had a thing for her Luke :)

Unfortunately, my anxiety was back on and off throughout the last couple weeks. But I really felt it lift late last night, and woke up this morning feeling like my head was suddenly clear. It's a great feeling. But I can't say I'm not a little worried about it rearing it's ugly head once again. Please pray for all those dealing with anxiety.

I also should report that I started hydrocortisone. I called my doctor (Dr. B) because of my extreme fatigue and he called me back himself. We had a great conversation about everything and it led to him saying I could start on 5mg of hc, and increase it to 10 after a week or two (that was the dose that did the trick for me last time). Even though my adrenals tested okay last Fall, I have been really feeling out of it lately. He wondered if something extremely stressful had happened between then and now, and I mentioned my month-long bout with debilitating anxiety. After all, my body doesn't know it was anxiety and not something super traumatic. I acted as if something really terrible was happening and probably suffered the same physical affects as if it had. So maybe it compromised my adrenals. Makes sense to me. 

I'm not feeling any different on the hc yet. Well, at least not until today. And I think today is a week, so maybe that's not a coincidence. 

Dr. B also made a point to thank me because, he told me, he has received eight or nine indirect referrals from me! Women who read my blog go to see him, and they all tell him, "You're not going to believe how I found out about you..." And by now, he said, he's not surprised! He is such a great doctor and good man. I am so lucky to have found him and really give him a great deal of the credit to getting me to where I could conceive Luke. I'm so happy others are making appointments with him and hope and pray they receive the same great care (physical and spiritual) from him that I have. 

Speaking of which, he prayed with me at the end of the phone call. I've said it before and I'll say it again - how many doctors do that? Hopefully his prayers will be heard. I am in a really good place with secondary infertility, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love to be pregnant :)

Oh, and one more big thing! We got the adoption tax credit! I cannot stress enough how much I did not believe we'd ever see that money. But Ryan logged onto our bank account one night last week and there it was. No letter, nothing. Just a deposit. Seriously, that was a great moment. We are so relieved. We can now finish paying off our debts from our last adoption and begin to consider another one. Without the tax credit money, I don't think the option would have been on the table for many years. 

It was such an answer to prayer. And thank you to all of you who prayed when I posted about it a few months ago. God has been with us this entire adoption journey and I shouldn't be surprised he stuck it out til the end!