First, thank you all so much for your comments on my last post. They helped me more than you know, and hopefully they helped others who may be going through the same thing as well. You seriously made me feel much less crazy!
While things have gotten much better regarding the baby blues, but things have gotten much worse overall.
I only have a couple minutes to blog as I should be taking this opportunity to sleep, but I will just say that I while I knew things would be tough, I didn't know it'd be this tough.
Luke's feeding constantly. Constantly. As soon as he finishes, I put him down and he screams. Nothing stops him from screaming except for feeding. And then he screams as soon as he's done (with the exception of a couple times a day, like right now). Around week two he was sleeping great at night. I even was setting an alarm to wake him up to eat. But that all changed last week and now he's awake all night.
I'm barely sleeping, eating or drinking. Ryan makes me eat a couple times a day and I feel like I'm letting everyone down every time I have to report how little water I've had.
I know a lack of food, water and sleep doesn't help my milk supply. I decided to see a lactation consultant today for a few reasons (he was also barely at his birth weight at three weeks) and she confirmed that my supply could be better. She also thinks my suspicions may be right that Luke has a milk allergy. Just like I expected, she suggested I give up dairy.
She also wants me to pump after each feeding and give him an ounce (the amount I'm able to pump) in a bottle after he breastfeeds. Ya, I tried that today and let's just say nursing, bottle feeding and pumping (and all the cleaning that's involved) doesn't work when there's a screaming one-year-old you're supposed to be taking care of. I'm going to hold off on pumping until we're at my parents' next week, since I'll have lots of help there.
My heart breaks all day long for both my babies. Luke, because he's so uncomfortable, crying all the time. And Clara because she's really getting short changed right now. She wants me to hold her, to play with her, to read to her, and I can't. You just can't do those things while nursing. And I'm nursing all day long. So she sits in her play pen. She cries, even screams, at times, but overall is remarkably well at amusing herself. She is truly an amazing child. I love her so much. (One day soon I need to write an update about her - she is saying so many words now and is just hysterical. Honestly, her comic relief right now is the only thing keeping me sane.)
I break down all day long. I am overwhelmed, to say the least, and often paralyzed with anxiety.
I almost forgot about the anxiety.
Having a newborn isn't for the faint of heart. We thought five-week-old Clara was basically a newborn, for all intents and purposes, when we got her. She was only five pounds, after all. But oh, how different the two experiences are.
I find that I am constantly scared something is wrong with Luke. I cry about it all the time. I don't know how to shake the worry. I know it must be my hormones, but what good does knowing that do? I still let it get the best of me.
I'm also so scared that Clara is going to hate me. That she's going to look back when she's older and realize we had to cancel her first birthday party because her brother was being born; that she didn't get her picture with santa because her mom couldn't make it out of the house in between feedings.
The anxiety is only made worse by my lack of sleep. I feel like I'm seriously losing my mind at times. I'm like a walking zombie. We both are. God bless Ryan, he is doing everything at this point except nursing Luke. And he'd do that if he could.
I'm praying, but it's more like quick desperate prayers than anything else. I don't have time for anything else, but I do find myself saying Hail Mary's over and over at extremely difficult moments. That's happening a lot lately.
Well, I've taken more time than I should have. I love my babies SO much and I'm in constant awe of God's abundant blessings in our life. I just pray that I get better at this and can be a better mother for the two miracles he has entrusted us with.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Overwhelmed
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So sorry things are difficult...hang in there, soon you will all be thriving! :)
ReplyDeleteYou poor thing!! Thank you for sharing with us! My first question for you was going to be whether or not Luke is latching on properly. I had this problem with my son and didn't even know it. If you want a tip (which is TMI for a comment) just let me know.
ReplyDeleteThis too will pass - I promise! My middle daughter was a very unpleasant infant. We had to changer her sleeping arrangements each time we put her to sleep. Talk about exhausting! She obviously isn't doing that anymore (proof that it will indeed pass!)
I'm going to email you... you need to get some sleep and my standard advice, as a veteran of eight newborns, is get a Miracle Blanket. I know, I'm a broken record. Check out the site and see how it works. Luke will feel so much better. www.miracleblanket.com
ReplyDeleteAnd you will feel like a new woman. I promise! It took me six babies to discover this, and it saved my life.
By the way, don't worry... Clara will be fine and none of this will damage her, I promise.
Prayers and hugs!!
I am sorry things are tough right now. It feels impossible, I know. I would like to address the feelings you said you had about always feeling anxious/worried about Luke. I think that is completely normal; seriously, until my little one was about 18 months, I would check on him ALL the time to make sure he was breathing while sleeping. It was really why I ended up cosleeping b/c I was so anxious...I think that is normal, part of hormones and the crying is too. I will be thinking of you and praying for peace for you (at least for a short time!) during this Christmas. God bless. (and don't worry about Clara and her future self; I think she'll appreciate Luke way more than a pic with Santa! LOL)
ReplyDeleteJules - He is latching properly, or so I've been told. I wondered how they know it's me and not him, but that seems to be the consensus. Is there a way to tell if he's not? He seems like he is. I did learn today that while I thought he was feeding for an hour each time, it turns out he was only really sucking for about five minutes. I now know how to tell. The LC now has me feeding L, R, L, R (or R, L, R, L) each time to increase what he's getting.
ReplyDeleteLeila - I meant to email you about that weeks ago. I think I am the exception to that miracle blanket rule! We have one and it doesn't help! I was so sad that it didn't make him a perfect baby like I'd heard! Maybe I'm doing it wrong? I don't know. I followed the directions on the web site.
Bless your heart! Please know I experienced much of the same with Maggie. She nursed all.the.time. My milk took forever to come in at first, then was slow to build a supply. This happens with a c section too.
ReplyDeleteI saw you comment on Beth's blog, but the fenugreek is great. Even the local grocery stores carry a Mothers Milk tea that is really helpful. Babies go through growth spurts and sometimes it takes a day or so (or week!) for our supply to catch up to them.
And colic could be an issue too at this age.
I empathize with your anxiety. Anxiety over everything and everyone:) It will get better but keep asking for help and allowing others to help you in any way they can. Make yourself eat and drink and rest and dear little Clara will not suffer permanent damage. She will forgive you:) God bless! and know you are not alone!
Alana didn't like the miracle blanket either! I'm so sorry it's so tough right now. When we first got Alana I thought about you and Faith quite a bit, because having a newborn is HARD, and having a newborn with another little one can only be overwhelming! I cant' even imagine. I know when one, and no sleep I felt like I was losing my mind and I didnt' have another one to take care of. I hope you get some relief and sleep at your parents house, I know that good honest rest can make things look so much better! Right now alana isn't sleeping and I'm feeling next to crazy, without hormones!
ReplyDeletepraying for you guys daily!!
God Bless and have a Merry Christmas!
Shoot, I'm so sorry you're miserable. Can I make a suggestion? Can you look into getting a shot of progesterone? It doesn't negatively affect milk supply, and helps TREMENDOUSLY with anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. I was exactly the same way. Just a thought. Don't let yourself keep feeling this way. Can you get someone to come during the day to help with Clara? Even if you have to hire someone? Just some thoughts. I hope things get better. I KNOW they will over time. Keeping you in prayer :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOh K - I am sorry. I don't have anything great in the advice department to add, but I will pray. (Hugs)
ReplyDeleteK--I will be praying for you! I second the suggestions to do everything you can to get as much sleep as you can and MAKE SURE you eat and drink. My two girls aren't as close together as your two, but I felt almost everything you described after number two was born. It seems like the days and nights are so long and it's never going to get better, but it does--and faster than you could now imagine. Get as much "real" help as you can and pray your way through your day for supernatural help. And don't ever worry about Clara "holding this against you" or something along those lines. That little brother is the best birthday gift she could ever have and soon they will be inseparable. Sometimes even one-year-old's have to "take one for the team/family", as unfair as it may seem that you can't play with her or do what she'd like at a particular moment. She'll be okay and so will the rest of you! Also, does Luke like sleeping in a sling? That was a saving grace for me with number two. Prayers for you!
ReplyDeleteI just told Sew that her blanket was way too loose, ha! It has to be so snug, with both hands down by his side. Just like a little burrito. Of the three I used it with, the middle one did not love it at first and protested for weeks when he first got wrapped, but I gave him no choice and he got used to it (and I got used to sleep!).
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that it's so bad right now... it really is a horrible feeling, almost like despair sometimes. Hugs!
Charlie screamed a lot at one point b/c I had mastitis and my milk was down and he was losing weight. It was so awful and followed by me having to pump and supplement. Hardest time of my life and I didn't have a second child. I can't imagine...I think you should def keep in touch with lactation and your pediatrician and trust your gut. If you work on upping your supply and he is still eating constantly you may want to do some formula every day so he doesn't digest it as fast or you may look into something else as the issue like reflux. You just have to peel one layer away at a time. Would be so much easier if they could just tell us. You are right, parenting isn't for the faint of heart! Stress, water, nutrition, etc all affect milk supply so it is understandable that you might be low. And I am not judging, I was sick all week and not doing anything I was supposed to and noticed a difference immediately. Then he ate more, and I had less time to eat/drink/take care of myself. Catch 22. Two things-fenucreek is an herbal supplement that helps supply and keep having Ryan do what he is doing-he takes care of you and you take care of babies. If he has to bring you a water at certain times, then he should set his alarm and do it. That is the best way he can help. Hang in there! With every stage, good and bad, they don't last long.
ReplyDeleteLack of sleep with 2 young ones does not make for a happy mama! I know, I've been there!
ReplyDeleteI have 2 children, 2 years apart so I don't now what it is like to have a newborn and a one year old, but I do know what it is like to have a newborn that wants to eat every hour around the clock! It is very tiring and emotionally draining.
I often felt like my older daughter was getting short changed.
Believe me, she won't remember and she won't hate you!
One piece of advice I have for you that was given to me - Take Care of Yourself! I know it is hard.
I pray things get easier for you soon.
Long time reader/lurker :-), first time poster.
ReplyDeleteI had to respond to this post because I GET it, I really do, like no one else can unless you've been through it. My oldest two are 11 months apart. Mary was born 2/3 and Nathan was born exactly 11 months later on 1/3. And Mary was a late walker (14 months) so for 3 months, I had two babies who couldn't walk. (And for some dumb reason I was refusing to buy a double stroller. No clue what I was thinking!)
Nursing was so difficult- Nathan was an exteeeeemley slow nurser- I spent 1 1/2 nursing him, only to turn around 30 minutes later and start all over. Combine that with an 11,12,13 month old baby who was crawling, pulling up, trying to learn to walk with lots of falls, etc. and it was a VERY difficult time. I constantly felt like I was failing them both.
BUT NOW... They are 6yo and 5yo and the BEST of friends! Those first few months were hard but things evened out and it turned out to be a wonderful experience. You will be so happy to have them close together- even a few months from now you'll see a big difference.
Other thoughts: Do you have a Miracle Blanket? love it. Nathan had great difficulty sleeping on his back- have you tried using a sleeping wedge and putting him on his side? There is also a WONDERFUL white noise machine- MARPAC is the name brand. It is a little expensive but definitely one of those things that you get what you pay for. excellent, excellent noise machine and we found it helped greatly w/ Nathan's sleeping. We now have one for all 4 of our kids. (6yo, 5yo, 3yo, 8mo.)
Also- I am pro nursing and have nursed all my babies BUT we have always done ONE bottle a day- usually one of the night feedings so that I can get one good stretch of sleep. If you aren't terribly anti bottles, you might consider allowing your husband to give him just one a day, so that you can have a longer stretch in which to get some good sleep.
Blessings on you! I can't wait to hear where you are in a year- this difficult time will NOT last forever!
Kelly at http:/www.threelittlejewells.com
I cannot even IMAGINE how hard it is. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteJust know that it DOES pass and he might be colicky like Drew or milk intolerant like Mary, our soy formula girl.
That colic succccked, but at least Mary was 3 and not 1. I cannot imagine dealing with it if she had been Clara's age.
It was flat out awful.
Awful.
He cried for the first four months of his life, I swear.
He still gets up several times a night, but he's more tolerable during the day.
And I'm alive, somehow.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
I only have a few minutes so if any of this comes off harsh, please excuse- I don't have time to make sure it's worded right. My son was very difficult to feed and I was so committed to breastfeeding that I pumped and then bottle fed him. We saw the lactation consultant many, many times. I have to say, if I had to do it all over again, I would have pumped a few times a day and supplemented with formula. Honestly, I gave away my pump because I didn't want to see it anymore. I think I was a bit traumatized by the whole affair. Feeding was all we did. And, I didn't have a one year old. . If someone would have said, "formula is okay," I may not have listened. But, no one did. I'll say it to you, "formula is okay." But, you know your baby best. Go easy on yourself- you are doing all you can and your kids intuitively know it. I've loved watching your journey to motherhood ;)
ReplyDeleteOh K, welcome to my world. Except that I only have Maggs so from my standpoint, you're superwoman!
ReplyDeleteIMHO, if you can pump an ounce after he feeds then he's probably got some latch issues regardless of what the LC's say... I had 3 LC's tell me that Maggs didn't have any latch issues and oh boy does she ever have latch issues! At 7 months she still can't get her tongue in the right place when breastfeeding and unfortunately now that she has teeth has self weened... Even she gets that she has latch issues!
The LC's will tell you the ideal and you have to figure out what will work for you. If you can only pump once a day, that will still help. Be kind to yourself.
Maggs is allergic to Dairy, Corn, Soy and probably a few other things. I had already cut out Dairy and Eggs due to my own allergies but cutting out the Corn and the Soy is new for me. There's another place where you just have to do the best you can.
Oh and Maggs would never let anyone swaddle her for sleep. One thing I will say is that it sounds like he might just be making up for when he was sleeping through the night. Maggs slept through the night from birth and was loosing weight despite waking her (of course she had bad latch). Once we got her to gaining she was awake all the time until she got back on her growth curve. The fact that he's back at birth weight is great! I'm praying for you!
Oy Vey. All this and still healing from the section I am sure. K you will get through this.
ReplyDeleteOkay now for my two cents. You are a wonderful mother, who is going through the same thing many other women go through after giving birth and having a young one at home. The guilt and anxiety can be overwhelming, but know that this to shall pass.
Clara will not care about her picture with Santa, and won't remember being held captive in a playpen while you try to get a routine going. She will remember all the good times and memories you all make as a family.
As for Luke, perhaps he is a little hungry, or maybe he is suffering from colic. I felt awful doing it at the time, but looking back on it, it was the best decision for us, I gave our newborn a bottle of formula every night before bed. He also screamed and cried a lot during the day and I had to give up dairy and switch to soy. He was still screaming and we discovered he had some reflux issues and was placed on medicine to help. The gastro decided he should have breastmilk throughout the day, and then before bed one bottle of formula. It was really a answer to prayer. I felt like I had "permission" to give him a bottle a day and we both had a decent night's sleep, and I was able to function the next day. There were some days I swore I was losing my mind. I used to just say a Bible verse over and over again..........Isaiah 41:10
Hopefully in a few weeks this will all be a distant memory, and you will be able to say I survived that!
2 pieces of advice - for the constant nursing, a pacifier may give some relief. If he's only nursing for 5 mins, he may have a strong need for sucking. A pacifier will keep you from getting too sore, also.
ReplyDeleteFor sleeping, my newborns didn't sleep well on their back, so I had them sleep in their carseat - at naptimes and during the night, right beside my bed. We all slept better. I hope and pray that things get better. I had 2 fussy babies that required me to hold them all the time - I had to be standing up and holding them upright facing out. Not sure why, but that's the only way they were content!
I am sorry things are so rough right now. I have nothing to offer other than prayers. That I can do!
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice since I've never been there, but I'm praying for you! I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. :(
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are overwhelmed!!! Bella has a rough time weeks 3-8 and didn't get better until we used the swaddling blanket. I would say that keep trying the swaddling (Miracle) blanket and make it really tight...way tighter than you think he would like and then just walk around with holding him on his side. He may take days for this to help, but keep it up and he will start to calm down. You can always try a white noise machine or a loud fan too. It is soothing....like the womb! I know if nursing is going rough, they will probably tell you not to try a pacifier yet, but if it helps your sanity...try it!
ReplyDeletepraying for you! I wish I lived closer, because I would drive over right NOW and help you!!!!!
What Leila said! The Miracle Blanket is what saved us! Get hubby to go to BabiesRUS and get one TONIGHT! (They now carry them. I had to order mine online) It is truly amazing. Our baby is now outgrown his and I think I was the most worried about giving it up! Praying for you...and I'll offer some prayers for you during our nightime feeds.
ReplyDeleteAll of the mamas reading this post would just love to give you a hug... and then offer to hold the baby and give you some rest! Having a newborn is tough. I only have one (now 4-months-old) so far, but I still think of those early days and wince. Nora nursed every. single. hour. Day and night. For the first 3 weeks. We don't have family nearby and hubby had to go back to work - so it was just the baby and I sitting on the couch all day attached. Plus we dealt with jaundice and her losing too much weight after birth. Uff da.
ReplyDeleteIt does get better. One way or another - it truly does. The Miracle Blanket only worked for us for a short time. Nora was simply too gassy for it. The blanket didn't allow her to kick her little legs around and work the gas out, and so she would scream when she was in it.
You are a wonderful mother and that is what Clara will remember! Do try to eat and drink though. I know that it's hard, but you need it for more than just your milk supply. So - no real advice here. We are too new to the whole gig ourselves! :-)
K - Sorry things are so hard right now. I can't offer advice, but I know you will make it through and am sending prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post! I just love your honesty and am going to remember this and try to be gentle with myself when our little one gets here. I obviously haven't done this myself-but some friends of mine have great luck nursing in a Moby Wrap. (I know there's a weight minimum-maybe 8 pounds??) It might be way to have a free hand while you nurse so you can drink water, read to Clara, or something like that.
ReplyDeleteI hate to offer "advice" since I really don't know what I'm talking about yet-I just didn't want to keep it to myself in case it actually helps you you.
You are in my prayers!
AYWH - my mom likes to tell the story of the "worst day of her life." It was when me and my twin were tiny still, and she just couldn't keep up. Everything went wrong, right down to Twin falling out of her swing and hitting the floor! Of course, we don't remember any of this and we grew up happy and healthy. I think God makes our first few years so impossible to remember so our parents have some time to recover and manage that first year. I am sure Clara and Luke will both be very thankful you are their mother, and they will realize you did not fail them! I'll say a prayer that things get easier asap and you can get some relief.
ReplyDeleteYou are such an amazing mother and beloved daughter of God.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, the anxiety....I turned the feeding over to my husband, (never even looked back at my decision NOT to breastfed, just couldn't do it)
Then when Baby A had acid reflux and it sounds like Luke may have it too, I was so happy that I had made this decision...to REALLY LEAN ON MY HUSBAND because a mother worries by nature and sometimes you need the cool and detachment of a father.
YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING wrong. You are AMAZING and yes TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF IN EVERY WAY YOU CAN.
I always feel like as much as a mother is crying of exhaustion SO SHOULD THE HUSBAND TOO! What I mean is the burden NEEDS TO BE SHARED TOTALLY. Going to work (even if you haven't slept great the night before) IS NOTHING COMPARED To being home with two babies, nursing one and never resting.
So however you can ask for help, however you can surrender your expectations and reach out and get the rest and help with feedings you need.
I ALWAYS feed my baby at 5 AM and 9 am--the other feedings I turned over---AND, she loves these feedings and to this day cuddles me at this exact time of the day.
During her late afternoon and evening feedings I took a break.
I HAD TO TAKE A nap at 5 PM!!! HAD TO. I came to the point that this became a MUST. And, told my husband so.
Again, you are so amazing in every way. We are in awe of your sweetness and love.
Clara is learning all about becoming a Mommy from you! She is in awe too!
Oh K! I'm so sorry. I can't imagine. Try to remember that you are the perfect mom to L & C - good days and bad days - because you are their Mom. God gave you to them and them to you. I know all the imperfect details can weigh you down, but they're just the details, not the big picture. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could wrap you up in a big hug right now.
ReplyDeleteBe gentle on yourself - you become a new Mama each time, everything is new and different (and HARD) all over again. Ask for help and accept it (hard, I know).
I recall the three month mark being a good transition point for me - but everyone, and every baby, is different. And I still have days where I feel like I'm treading water, barely keeping my head up.
It might help to look up your local la leche league and have a consultant come over. I have a friend who is one, and she loves when she is able to make breast feeding a little easier for someone.
You are an amazing woman! You have braved the threshold and taken the leap into motherhood of 2 under 13 months! I have a 15 month old and am due in about 2 weeks with a scheduled c-section. I am listening to your heart and reading all the comments to help understand what I am in for!
ReplyDeleteTo top it off, my son has decided that he really is a 2 year old and has started throwing terrible tantrums! Unfortunately, the comprehension of a 2 year old isn't quite there, yet, so the best thing to do is distract and entertain him as best I can. Mush easier now without a newborn on my breast!
I feel for you and I hope that you know that you are a woman that belongs to the Lord and He will give you strength.
Hugs,
Heather
First of all, this is totally normal, and second, it gets better.
ReplyDeleteI work at a store that sells nursing bras and supplies, and I've heard from numerous clients that this stuff works wonders for supply issues:
http://www.motherlove.com/product/580-More-Milk-Special-Blend.html
Remember that PCOS can inhibit milk supply, so you definitely need the Special Blend.
The other thing to keep in mind is that babies have growth spurts at about 3 weeks, about 6 weeks, about 3 months, and about 6 months. So, just because he has increased his feeding this week doesn't mean that it will be like this forever.
Keep at it, and take it one day at a time. And talking to an LC is the absolute best thing that you can do in this situation.
And get the Special Blend, it works like magic!
This must be such an exhausting time for you right now, which would be expected for anyone with a 1-year old and a newborn, but I have no doubt that you are doing an amazing job - you need to give yourself more credit!
ReplyDeleteYears from now, Clara won't look back and focus on the things you are worrying about - she will remember a childhood full of love, family, faith, and happiness.
Hang in there and know that so many people are praying for you!
HANG IN THERE!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI"m with Leila and Julie- MAKE IT TIGHT. TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT. ARms by his side, then snug as a bug in a rug. If he can move his arms, it's not tight enough.
Have you read/watched the Happiest baby on the block? You NEED that. It changed our life.
I"m emailing you right now.
Sorry you're having a rough time :(. One of the things my sister did to make sure she ate and drank enough was to keep a little cooler next to the bed for beverages and snacks. You can have your hubby stock it and then you can just set it wherever you spend the most time. She had yogurt & cheese, leftover chicken - lots of protein, but if you can't do dairy, maybe try coconut milk yogurt instead? They are pretty good and are so easy to pop one open when you don't have time to really sit and eat.
ReplyDeleteHoping things get easier soon! Don't worry about Clara - little ones have really short memories :).
Oh, hun, I can't imagine, but I will soon be able to know your pain! I have been thinking about how I will tolerate it, and I am going to ask for help when I need it and if I have to pay someone to give me a break 1 or 2 days a week, I WILL do it. I'm already asking around to see who might be able/willing to help us if (when) we need it.
ReplyDeleteThe anxiety with a newborn is normal - hormones or not. I had it with Jackson, worried about every little thing, freaked when he cried, etc. Here is the one most valuable thing I learned and have to remind myself almost daily - this will end. There WILL be good moments, we just have to get through the hard ones. Sounds like he is in what I call a "difficult phase," and with Jackson's reflux, we have those on and off. BUT, I have learned that they don't go on forever - and Luke's won't either.
I have NO advice, because I know that different things work for different babies, except to say ask for help, pay for it if you have to, and get your rest. When I am sleep deprived, everything seems SO much worse, and I am sure it is the same for most mommies.
Thank you for posting an update, despite your exhaustion. I have been thinking about you SO much. I was secretly hoping you would post and tell us how much easier it all was than you expected...lol! But, that's not the truth, thank you for being honest. Keep up the good work - oh, and I also cry when I think about the attention Jackson will lose when Addison comes...and then I remember that EVERY child has a reason to blame his/her parents for something, and giving him a little sister probably won't be one of those things once he's older:). We'll mess up as parents FAR more than that:). We'll all survive...thinking of you and sending hugs your way...
I just had to come back and say one more thing.
ReplyDeleteYou just gave your daughter the gift of a sibling. That is the single most important thing, save for another sibling, that you will ever do for her. No picture with Santa, or birthday party will ever equal the gift of a brother.
And don't discount the supreme effort and generosity that brought about that gift. You could very easily have decided that since you had just adopted an infant, that it was prudent to avoid a pregnancy. But you didn't. You remained open to the gift of new life, however improbable that life was.
You have gone through everything single facet of the essence of Catholic marriage and parenthood in the last 12 months. You have come face to face with the truth of Humane Vitae and Familiaris Consortio in the space of a year. And you're still standing! That is a profound testament at this time of year and in the age in which we live.
Thank you. Bless you. Bless your family. In the long run, Clara and Luke will only benefit from these days, not suffer.
Oh, K. I am sorry. I can't imagine trying to provide for both those little precious jewels. I'm glad your family will be around next week to help!
ReplyDeleteOthers gave great advice, and I especially like the comment of giving Clara the gift of a sibling! She will appreciate it!
So, two things that have worked for us that may or may not be helpful: 1) Happiest Baby on the Block. We have the book, but I have not read it, honestly. There is one chapter on soothing techniques that my husband read and it has totally worked on Ezra. Not sure if it would help Luke, but the author says it works on every baby. Who knows? I can't seem to read, since I have to use two hands to breastfeed, but I watched a two minute interview with the author on youtube and it helped me. 2) I really did not want to co-sleep, but Ezra did. I went to a doctor's appointment exhausted and crying and the midwife suggested I just accept cosleeping and learn side-lying nursing. And I have to say, it has changed my life. I can nurse half asleep and am not as exhausted. Not sure if any of that would help, but I hope it gets better!
Your one line .... a newborn is not for the faint of heart is so true.
ReplyDeleteThat is what I have been feeling, but it is getting better. I did get some progesterone support from PPVI. It has helped the feelings of anxiety about if something is wrong with Joseph and my teary breakdown episodes. Praying for you friend.
I'm thinking of you and hoping Luke gets on a schedule soon!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a hard time, K *hug*
ReplyDeleteFinn was hands down my fussiest newborn. He was colicky and it seemed like all he did for the first 6 weeks was scream All.Day.Long. He also had some latch issues and took awhile to get the hang of nursing, so although he wasn't doing the constant nursing, my right side was sore and blistered and it was excruciating to nurse on that side. He also HATED the swaddle blanket, but guess what he LOVES? His SNOWSUIT! I think having his arms wrapped freaked him out. In the snowsuit he's all snug but his arms are out. It was especially hard to deal with because my previous baby (#3) had been SO incredibly easy. No breastfeeding problems at all, rarely cried, always happy.
With my first few I was terrified to ever put them down, but I've learned that babies are resilient. I don't believe in "crying in out" but I also think that if baby has been fed, changed, snuggled, bounced, etc and is still crying, it's okay to put them down for a few minutes. If you've done what you can and he's still crying, it's okay to put him down for 5 or 10 minutes and eat or pee or snuggle Clara. I also decided to pump and let my husband give a bottle once a day so I could get some sleep (I've tried pacis too, but he doesn't care for them much!)
It won't always be this way, I promise. Once 6 weeks hit Finn's colic started clearing up and he's a much happier baby now. Hang in there and just take it one day at a time!
And I promise Clara won't hate you, and she won't care that you didn't get her picture taken and had to cancel her birthday party! My 9 year old finally got to have her own room a couple years ago. When I found out I was pregnant with Finn, I mentioned that she might have to share a room with one or more of her sisters in the future. She looked disappointed for a second, but then she said "It's okay mommy, I'd rather have a new baby than my room!" And even with a 9 year age difference, she adores her little brother. She told me the other day that she loves him so much it makes her cry sometimes :) Pope JPII was right, siblings are the greatest gift you can give a child!
praying for you!
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas. I'm a mother of five (three biological) and I know that there are milestones that you have to get through before it gets any better. Hang on because 6 weeks gets a lot easier, than 3 months whew, and 6 months is the best! I had a horrible time I first nursed but it did get better. He's learning right along with you. Things I ate had such an effect on my babies while my friends could eat anything. Your sacrifice now will benefit them their whole lives. Clara won't hate you. You and God have given her one of the biggest blessings...a sibling. It WILL get better!
ReplyDeleteNothing will help if your baby is not liking when you eat/drink dairy...nothing except cutting out the dairy from your diet and giving it a week to 10 days.
ReplyDeleteI noticed a change in my son after 2 days, but it was slight. It only got better from that point. He was constantly screaming. No amount of swaddling, Happiest Baby on the Block, etc. helped.
I would avoid using a pacifier until your supply issues are sorted out. Nursing is what increases supply. And I second the More Milk Plus supplement. Fenugreek by itself isn't that effective.
Good luck. You will make it! My little screamer still can't have dairy (well, I can't) and he is 6 months old. But, nursing him was and is extremely important to me, and we made it work. :)
Wow. Reading through these comments made me realize you went from being THE Infertility Blog to THE New Mommy blog. Holy Schmoly, where have all the childless peeps gone?!
ReplyDeleteI don't have any suggestions, just prayers to offer for your family. And wanted to stop by and thank you for your comments on my latest posts, they really did help me get through a horrible time.
I hope you were able to enjoy a wonderful Christmas despite the anxiety and frustration.
Rachel nursed constantly, too, at first! She is only 3 months now, and it has gotten so much better already. And then there was my toddler son. Oh man. I was in so much pain, and he tried to climb all over me. I had to leave him alone in our childproofed living room way more than I ever thought I would just so I can nurse my baby with enough peace to make milk.
ReplyDeleteCan you keep a water bottle with you? I bought one that snaps securely closed so that my son can't spill it. I make myself drink 60-80 oz. per day, most of it after we put him down for bed in the evening. I also grab some snacks between feedings and put them by my nursing chair for when the next feeding session begins. Bags of trail mix, granola bars, and boxes of cereal work great for that. I can't have much dairy, either, although I don't have to restrict it completely.
Is there any way you can nurse while napping? I had to do that in the first couple months. I lay down on the sofa and lay her in front of me. It wasn't deep sleep, of course, but it was better than no sleep. I did this once a day while my toddler took his nap.
I started using the TV during the end of my pregnancy and still use it now when I need to. We have to cut corners when our newborn is nursing round-the-clock. Your little girl will have no memory of this time!!! Don't beat yourself up. This time is so hard and anyone who hasn't been through it themselves can't know. She won't have a clue that she missed out on santa--our two year old gets scared of santa anyway. She is going to be fine. Two months from now sounds like forever but it will pass quickly and you will feel so incredibly better by then.
I can't imagine having to pump all day. Pumping was hard for me to do at first, and I didn't even start until she was 8 weeks old. Hopefully you can start eating and drinking more and the anxiety will even out and your supply will increase that way. Time helps, too. My supply wasn't great at first but it just got better as I got used to nursing.
I had a lot of anxiety at first myself. It's largely gone now, and she's just over three months old so it hasn't been that long. It is completely normal. If it doesn't get better, though, there are very safe medications for nursing. The La Leche League has a great book about medications and nursing. It lists all of them and very specific data about the safely while nursing. There is no shame in taking medication to care for yourself if you have to! I shouldn't have waited so long before getting medical help when I had depression with my son. You're probably just going through post-partum stuff, but, if it continues, get help earlier not later. I speak from experience:-(
Hugs to you, ah, be kind to yourself-you are doing a wonderful and very difficult job!
ReplyDeleteBreastfeeding is A LOT of work, and a huge commitment, especially as your supply is getting established. Unless you've got someone with you all day to help, I think it must be virtually impossible, especially with a 1 year old. I also felt like I was incapable of soothing my baby-none of the happiest baby on the block stuff worked, and she hated to be swaddled-and the only thing that mostly worked was letting her suck on my breast! I would just try to take it one day at a time-which may seem impossible, as days and nights blur together, but then try just getting through little chunks at a time. Just the next feeding, pumping, washing cycle, take a break, gear up for the next one, don't think any further than that for now. And you have to stay sane, so if you need to supplement with formula, do it, no regrets or guilt. Your baby will still get all the benefits of breastfeeding, even with a little supplement and it could make a huge difference for you.
I think the anxiety that comes along with motherhood is the most unexpected burden. It's not something you ever think about when you are longing to be a mother, but it can become an overwhelming joy-sucker if you let you mind become consumed with it. I said a lot of quick memomoires and prayed for God, Mary, and St. Theresa to relieve my mind from the suffocating web of anxiety. I received some condolences, and ultimately accepted that the anxiety will always be a part of loving something so much. It's just that I've accepted that worrying about what can happen does nothing to give me any more control or guarantees, and I have to trust in God on this one. Anxiety can lead to despair-and that's not from God.
You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of those babies. You must make sure you are getting food, drink, and rest-whatever it takes. That is what will be best for them.
It will get better, and you are doing amazing. Lots of prayers for you!
K I am Right there with you. I promise you it gets easier.
ReplyDeleteMadeleine was a completely different kid after I cut out milk.
K,
ReplyDeleteI am probably repating what everyone else has said but I am sure you are doing a great job as Luke and Clara's mama! Those early weeks really suck with hard everything is physically and emtionally!!!!!! Just be patient with yourself. My mid-wife said that traditionally woemn used to spend a month in bed straight after having a baby. All they had to do was nurse the baby. That's it! So really it is much harder for women now days. You are doing way more than is expected of you...
I am praying for you! Give me a call if you want to chat :) 804-349-7590 (I know you probably have no free time)
xoxo,
me
All those sweet little babies will ever know is how much you love and wanted them!
ReplyDeleteHe knew what He was doing. :)
Please try formula! Others have suggested it to you, so I will just say that it helped me tremendously with our first boy. He cried almost his whole first week because my milk wasn't fully in and I didn't know it. :( For the rest of his babyhood, we used both breast and formula for him and he did fine with both. Using formula would let your husband help with the feedings, too, giving you a rest and time to relax and refill. :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I remember being overwhelmed when little man was born. I cried a lot and I thought I wasn’t doing any of it well. It gets better – trust me. I remember our pediatrician giving me a book called Happiest Baby on the Block. Awesome book. Helped us tons with Jack. He would never sleep in his own bed. Turns out he’s a snuggle man to this day.
ReplyDeleteI have read your blog tonight. I am sorry to hear that things are difficult right now. It will get better.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I learned in November that I have low levels of progesterone and estrogen. Your blog has given me some support/hope to get through this coming year.
Ugh. I'm so sorry that things have been so overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI second Leila on the Miracle Blanket, and the book Happiest Baby on the Block is amazing! They actually have a video since you probably can't imagine sitting down to read right now.
Clara will be fine. :) She will never hate you, and when Luke can play with her, she will love it! Would she sit next to you for one or two feedings while you nurse him? I did that a lot when Lucy was born. I also actually did bring a stack of books to the couch, and she would look at the books and point at the pictures, and the fact that I was acknowledging her was enough. :)
You can do this! I will bump up the prayers for you, and I hope that things are getting better already!
Mary, Queen of Peace, pray for us! (I cannot tell you the number of times I repeat this phrase during the day.:) )
Karey- I just want you to know that it gets better. I don't have two, which may disqualify me from even commenting :), but I can relate.
ReplyDeleteMy little guy was also a constant nurser...he was demanding, needy, cried and fussed all the time, and was impossible to put to sleep.
Because of the PCOS and his prematurity, I also did not have a strong milk supply. I remember the constant cycle of nursing, pumping (and getting practically nothing), and nursing again...desperately trying to put weight on my premature baby who nursed constantly, but seemed to be just sucking instead of eating!! It was exhausting and overwhelming.
We were told he had colic, acid reflux, milk allergy, etc...nothing worked. Looking back I think he was just a fussy baby, probably did have some colic, was extra needy for physical contact, and was also overtired.
It gets better...really!
He is now 10 months old and is much easier to get to sleep...he basically sleeps through the night (although that did require a lot of work). He plays on his own, is happy and although he still has a strong personality, is a content and sweet baby.
After about 3 months my milk supply increased (thanks to Fenugreek and lots of nursing) and we have not had any trouble breastfeeding since...(and I was about to throw in the towel at 8 weeks).
I would suggest wearing him in a sling, if he'll tolerate it. Also use a very very tight swaddle and bouncing him on his side with a pacifier if he just needs to suck. You've probably tried all that, but just keep it up. There were many nights when he cried for hours in my arms, but that is all over now :) Hang in there, I'm praying for you!
Oh- and I also wanted to say that I was the queen of anxiety when my son was a newborn. I did not let ANYONE come to the house for fear he would get sick. I would have stretches of days where I could not sleep and would just cry for fear that something was wrong with him. I know this sounds crazy, but I also didn't leave the house for almost 5 months (aside from doctors visits) because I wanted to protect him. I was so anxious and worried about everything!
ReplyDeleteThat gets better too :) Now I leave the house, haha, and I am not nearly as worried. I do still fret about him, but it is not an all consuming anxiety and paralyzing worry. I just try to pray each night and hand him back over the God, because ultimately I have no control over his life and have to trust that God will protect him.
Now that he is older and less "fragile" a lot of that anxiety has eased...
Having two babies so close is incredibly hard....every single day. Your post reminded me of one I wrote when Lauren was three weeks old and Samuel was about to turn one: http://www.samuelmay.com/2009/10/overwhelmed-and-overjoyed.html
ReplyDeleteAnd this was when Lauren was 6 weeks: http://www.samuelmay.com/2009/10/survival.html
You are just surviving. You are getting through your days and you will make it. I just said a prayer that you can figure out Luke's feeding issues (maybe you already have) but even when that gets better, you are still mothering two very little ones. But God knows and gives us such grace. All day long I prayed, "Help me get through today Lord." Probably for about 6 months :)
I am hoping you got some great sleep, food and water during Christmas. As a mom of two 11 months apart, please let me know if I can help you at all during this early stage!
I keep thinking about your post and wanted to share one last thought: having a newborn is a really challening stage of parenthood. But you have a newborn and a 1-year-old. That is an entirely different ballgame.
ReplyDeleteSo don't be too hard on yourself....and everyone is right - Clara won't remember these days! One year from now Luke and Clara will be best buds just as Samuel and Lauren are. For now, throw in a Praise Baby DVD and she can hear worship music while mom gets a short break. I promise it won't hurt her :)
Dear Kari,
ReplyDeleteI've been wanting to write you all week, but this is the first chance I've had.
My first baby, Anna, is nineteen months old. It sounds like I had a similar experience with her to yours with Luke.
She was eating and sleeping really well up until the end of week 2. Then she became fussy. So I did what my instincts said: feed her. and again. and again. The result was she became more fussy, more wakefull, she went from a happy baby to a complaining baby...etc.
Then my friend gave me a book which changed everything. I think we all have to take some of the "parenting advice from the books that know everything" with a grain of salt. However, there are definitely gold nuggets in this one. The important part is seeing the principle behind it. So I'm going to tell you the key part that I gleaned that saved my sanity (and my husband's.)
Babies, just like adults need AT LEAST 2 hours to digest a meal. Usually, it is more like 3 hours.
So, what I did, following the book, was for five days I fed Anna every 3 hours. No matter what. Unless it was nighttime and she was sleeping longer.
What happened?
IMMEDIATELY, her disposition got better. IMMEDIATELY, her nights got better. The days were hard, but the book said they would be for 3-5 days. Those difficult days were so worth it. At the end of 5 days, she was back on a regular feeding/sleeping schedule. She was much more content. And I was able to read her cues much more easily.
After the 5 days, I added flexibility back in, a little bit, such as feeding her every two hours when she was going through a growth spurt. I let her sleep through when it was nighttime if she missed a feeding. She would then empty me in the morning. But within 2 weeks, Anna was sleeping 5 hours straight every night!!
The book I loved is called On Becoming Baby Wise
http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Baby-Wise-Nighttime-Becoming/dp/1932740082/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1293826958&sr=1-1
I will be praying for you! And don't worry about Clara. She will be just fine!
Moira
Oh, I am so sorry to hear about what a difficult time you're having! That is so tough!
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting timing that I came across this post, because just today I was watching my three oldest children playing, and remarking at what happy, well-adjusted children they are. I had them within two and a half years of one another, so when #3 was born, our first was barely two and a half. That first year after our third baby's birth, they all got shortchanged. I struggled so much to keep up with it all! I was just sure that they would end up warped for life! I could imagine them sitting in front of their therapists twenty years from now, saying, "Well, my mother never had enough time for me when I was a baby..." I chuckle to think about it now, but it was a very serious source of stress for me at the time.
Just know that both of your beautiful children are going to do wonderfully, and they'll be so grateful to have one another as playmates here pretty soon! These months are tough, but, as other commenters have said, they do pass. You'll see the light at the end of the tunnel any day now.
One random tip: my third baby did not sleep well on her back, so I got a breathing monitor at Babies R Us and put her on her stomach to sleep. (The breathing monitor since there's supposedly a higher incidence of SIDS w/ stomach-sleeping babies.) The difference in her sleeping was astounding!! She slept SO much better after that!
You'll be in my prayers...
From one sleep deprived mama to another- my current motto is "this too shall pass" we will survive. ;-)
ReplyDelete