The window opens

Luke's almost six months old, which means the window will soon be opening when I can try to get pregnant again.

My doctor told me she recommends waiting nine months after a c-section but then said something about six being safe under her breath, and that's all I needed to hear. Six it is!

I probably should clarify. "Try" might not be the best word. We're just going to remain open to life and see how God continues to grow our family.

I can't help but wonder about my current fertility, though. I conceived last year while taking no medications except metformin, cortisol and synthroid (all maintenance drugs), and there's a good chance I'll conceive in a similar way again. I've had regular cycles since Luke was three-months old (albeit with pretty late peak days) and I know exactly when I'm ovulating, which I never really could tell before. And all my doctors have always told me that the best fix for endometriosis is pregnancy, not to mention my OB said during my section that my pelvis looked beautiful. As of November 2010, I had no endo or adhesions.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing what happens, without all the despair, depression and stress for once. And with two under two, I think it'll be a long time before I start to get worried. All I have to do is look around at our chaotically wonderful home full of teething, crying, poopy babies hugging my legs and calling "Mama" to remember how blessed I already am.

After all, my youngest isn't even sleeping through the night yet. Who in their right mind wants to add pregnancy and another newborn to this?

I guess I'm not in my right mind. I just look at their faces and want more.

I never thought in a million years I'd be talking about this. Trying for our third? It's amazing.

I'll never get it

As I was watching Luke in his "Johnny Jump Up" today, excitedly jumping away, I thought about how big he had become. And how, not too long ago, he had been teeny. The size of a grain of rice.

And how even when he was that small, he was always him.

Never someone or something else. To get rid of that clump of tissue would have been to get rid of Luke.

And then there's Clara. She's another story entirely.

It's so easy to judge someone who finds herself in a situation in which a "choice" needs to be made. But no matter what got her there, she chose life.

And that just blows my mind.

Even when she was the size of a grain of rice, she was still Clara.

And if not for a woman's courageous decision, we wouldn't know her. And our lives would never be as fun or as full.

And that's why I'll never get abortion.

Changes

No, you're not in the wrong place.

I always said I liked consistency when it came to my blog. You could trust my blog. You knew what you were going to get when you clicked on it.

But lately I realized it was starting to look like it was designed in 1996.

I finally admitted change was necessary. Some assumed I would change the look when we brought Clara home, or when I was pregnant, or surely after Baby #2, aka Luke, was born. Well that would probably have made sense but I was pretty swamped. Even now this has been an absolutely crazy last twelve hours because I tried to fit designing a new blog header into my baby-filled day (and my computer's in our bedroom, which is NOT baby proof. Clara was seen running hysterically from the room several times today carrying a vial of Padre Pio oil).

So here I sit at one a.m. bringing my poor little corner of the blogosphere up to date.

My blog - like my life - has changed. Drastically. The pain of infertility has been replaced by the joys of motherhood (I just wrote a new "about me" page if you're interested, which details those changes and how this blog played a role in that).

What was once a place to come to and frantically type as I cried is now a place where I share stories about my beautiful babies (and only once in great a while [i.e. post partum] frantically type as I cry). My blog has never been more than a reflection of my life, and so those changes were never meant to hurt or offend anyone. I sincerely hope they haven't.

It was kind of sad removing my older header. The picture is on a long-gone hard drive and I couldn't recreate it if I wanted to. But that's okay. Just like moving our bed to another part of our bedroom completely re-engergized me this weekend, updating my blog design has already done the same. And now before I get too emotional over a silly blog, it's time to go to bed.

Thanks for reading. And, of course, before I go, here are some gratuitous shots of my kids...

That look of a boy who adores his big sister 

Sweet boy

The bangs were looking good today, despite their apparent unevenness here

This is her current "I'm posing for you" look. Did she get that from us?

What's going on over here

*We had a wonderful Mother's Day. We spent the weekend rearranging and de-cluttering our bedroom. It's amazing how something as simple as moving furniture can really energize you!

*I thought a wrap dress would be great for nursing. What I didn't account for was two squirming babies, one who likes to untie things, and that fact that a wrap dress is not a faux-wrap dress. I came dangerously close to exposing myself at Mass on Sunday. Luckily for me, and the entire congregation, that didn't happen.

*Luke apparently has the Coxsackievirus (all he has is a little cough, but that's what the doctor says is going around), which sounds a lot better to me than Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease (which itself sounds better than Hoof and Mouth Disease). Now that I think about it, Coxsackie doesn't exactly sound good, but I grew up not too far from a high school with the same name (which had cute boys, if I remember correctly) so it has an entirely different connotation for me.

*Clara, meanwhile, has a host of illnesses, poor baby. Imagine what a terrible parent I felt like when I took her to the pediatrician the other day. How long has it been going on, asks the doctor. Oh, two weeks. What?? In my defense, she has allergies. And we had been giving her breathing treatments at home, which is what they always say to do when I take her in. I'm not kidding when I say I was afraid the doctor was going to report me when he left the exam room (oh how my mind can wonder!). She's already on the mend, though, and you'd never even know she was sick by her energy level!

*Thank God for chewable Singulair. I no longer have to have carrots spit at me daily.

*I cut Clara's hair for the first time today. Just her bangs, but that was hard enough. When doing any sort of project, I tend to get neurotic about it and attempt to fix it until it's "perfect" and her bangs were no exception. They were pretty crooked after my first attempt so I then chased her around the living room with scissors for the next hour. It's safe to say next time - if there is a next time - I'll be sure to do it right the first time.

*Ryan and I couldn't believe how just trimming Clara's bangs made her look so much older. I swear she was even acting more mature afterwards!

*I saw the endocrinologist for the first time since having Luke. She just read my bloodwork and she didn't even listen to me. "We're going to lower your dose of Synthroid so you can relax and fall asleep easier at night." What? I have low energy, not high. And, lady, I could fall asleep in your office right now if you let me! But apparently my TSH was low, or high, or whatever would make you feel hyper. That's pretty funny because I went to the appointment prepared to tell her how completely exhausted I am all the time. Now I have to decide what to do about this. My old OB/GYN, Dr. B, was great at treating my thyroid and adrenals, but he's two hours away. And he's an OB/GYN. And if I doctor-hop here locally, I'll probably just end up with a doctor just like my current one (who is very sweet, by the way, but that's not the point).

*So I have some news about Ryan, but I can't give it away just yet. But I will say it involves t.v., and something you'll be able to watch (no, he's not interviewing the president again! And it's a one-time thing, not a new job). I'd tell you now, but I want to be 100% sure it's a go before I make the big reveal. But it's safe to say we're very excited over here!

*I know you're all dying for an update on Luke's sleeping habits! Just kidding. There really is no news on that front. He's still not sleeping all that much and is in bed with us for most of the night. Although he did fall asleep ON HIS OWN for a nap three times in the past couple weeks. Each time, music was blaring. Not sure how to recreate that at night (trust me, no one else could sleep with it as loud as he needs it, and I'm sure he'd get sick of it after a few times anyways). For now, we are rejoicing in small victories, and loving on him every chance we get. Sleep is overrated anyways :)

*My heart was heavy yesterday with thoughts of those still waiting to celebrate Mother's Day. I continue to pray that God will heal your wombs and your hearts, and that He will grow your families according to His will.

Another month

My sweet little boy is five months old today!

I probably say this every month, but where does the time go? November does not seem that long ago and yet he's no longer a newborn in any sense of the word.

Working hard on those raspberries

If you're interested in what little Lukie's been up to, you can check out an update on my other blog, Our Life With Clara and Luke.

I realized today that my very favorite photos of Clara were taken when she turned five-months old, so I decided to take pictures of Luke today in sort of the same way. I grabbed his quilt and a boppy - we used Clara's quilt for her photo shoot a year ago (which a friend shot, not me) - and managed to get all three of us into the front yard.

I didn't try to copy them exactly (no offense to Luke, but he hasn't mastered intense "smizing" the way Clara had at such a young age), but they did come out sort of similar.

Don't you just love how babies kick their legs up when they laugh?

Happy five months, Luke! And feel free to slow down when it comes to getting big!

My prayer buddy

We're back home from vacation and a wonderful Easter Sunday at Ryan's parents' (see babies above in their Easter finest).

It's nice to be home, but it's also not so nice to have to unpack and clean up and make dinner after not doing so for over a week. Ahhhh.. I love vacations.

Without further ado, though, I need to reveal my Lenten prayer buddy because blogging time is pretty rare these days (as I type, Luke's propped up on a pillow nursing and Clara's crying in her crib!).

I was so excited when I got the email saying who my prayer buddy was. It's someone who I met in Catholic infertility blogland years ago, back when there weren't too many of us, and someone I already pray for. You know those names that pop into your head first at Mass or during a Rosary? Well she's one of mine. I have prayed for a few years now that she will become a mother.

I've also had the pleasure of meeting her in real life. Yup, she's one of my fellow BW girls and she, like the others, has held a special place in my heart ever since.

So this Lent, I stepped up the prayers I already say for her. I included her in my daily Rosary (which I started saying specifically during Lent), my family prayed for her every night before dinner during grace, and I prayed for her during the consecration each week. I also offered up any suffering for her (as recently as last night, actually, when both babies were screaming in the back seat on our way home.. not terrible suffering, of course, but I offered up whatever I could!)

I was excited when she nearly bought a house during Lent, but felt confident she wasn't supposed to buy those homes when it didn't work out. I also hoped my prayers regarding adoption (for God to lead her down the path of adoption if that was His will for her) were being heard when she posted about good news about adoption in her country. And, I was glad when recently she received yet another diagnosis (not happy she has the issue, but glad it was revealed). I'm continuing to pray this is the final piece to her infertility puzzle.

Figured it out yet? My prayer buddy was Jelly Belly!

J, you are such a special, faithful woman and an inspiration to so many. It was my honor to pray for you this Lent and I will continue to do so!

Vacation

We're on vacation at the beach with my family this week. We've come for several years and I always imagined what it'd be like to have babies with us. Last year we had Clara (and, technically, Luke was along for the ride in utero) but she was really too young to have any idea what was going on.

This year, though, she is having a blast. And I'm having so much fun watching her have fun. It's better than I ever imagined - watching her run around on the beach, laugh hysterically in the pool, absolutely light up when she sees her grandparents, and melt down in restaurants. Okay, maybe not that last one.

I'm also excited because we went from exactly two family photos of the four of us, to now about six. I'm making the most of having people around to take pictures of us!

Here are some of my favorite shots from the week so far: