Progesterone results

My doctor's office called with my blood test results for my progesterone:

Peak +7: 44.27
Peak +9: 17.96
Peak +11: 19.76

Good numbers, thank God!

The nurse's reason for calling me was actually because she said my doctor needed to know two things - the date my last period started and the date of my peak day. She said she needed to tell my doctor to see if he wanted to run any additional tests. I'm like, what additional tests? Although in real life I didn't actually ask her what tests, I just said 'okay.'

What I did ask her, though, was what the test results were because I wasn't getting off the phone without those! So that's when she told me and mentioned that my doctor said "they are right where he likes to see them." I'd say! Considering that last month my peak +7 was 8.21, 44.27 is pretty great (and I'm not even taking any progesterone supplements or anything - I'm on all the same meds as last month).

So the bottom line is I have something to celebrate this month - greatly improved progesterone and the knowledge that my progesterone doesn't fall too low too soon (which is what my saliva test showed last spring and it hasn't been tested after peak +7 since), or at least it didn't this cycle. Things are moving in the right direction!

Cycle day 29

It's 12 days post peak. Again, I feel kind of like crap. This morning I awoke, not with leg pain, but with neck pain. And crazy dreams for like the fifth day in a row. Is this some delayed effect of Tamoxifen to have crazy, disturbing dreams?

Here's a new concept: Maybe it's just me. Maybe a good portion of what happens with me has nothing to do with my cycle. Wouldn't that be funny? I mean, I seriously think everything is cycle related - nausea, back pain, bad moods, good moods. I'm just so centrally focused that I can't imagine anything happening outside of my hormonal ups and downs. Ya, I'm pretty sure everything is cycle related.

We're leaving to go to my in-laws in a few minutes and tonight will see the Sabres play the Hurricanes. It should be fun! I've been to NHL games before, and I remember it being cold. I'm just really hoping it's not. I've been freezing lately (again, I assume this is cycle related) and sitting in an ice rink sounds pretty cold. I'll make sure to dress warmly. In layers.

In adoption news...Two more families were moved to "placement in progress" on our agency's website. That is great news because now there are only ten families ahead of us on there (there could be more waiting families who aren't on the website, but they don't count in our mathematical equation because we know there are about two babies placed each month through tracking the website. That means if couples not on the website are being chosen, there are even more babies per month). Seeing those couples move down from the list makes it even more real. And they weren't chosen in order, so that makes it even more real. If the remaining couples are chosen in order and two babies are placed each month in the coming months, that means we could have a baby by August. Now, I know it might not happen like that. Once we're no longer last on the list, couples below us could be chosen first. But late summer still sounds exciting. And once we reach that point, even if we don't have a baby yet, we'll at least know that the call could come any day. I'd like to think the wait will be a lot easier then, but it might be even harder.

Well I've got to go finish getting ready to get in the car. Hopefully I'll have pictures to post tomorrow (and I'm praying for blood test results again!).

A very quick update (at least for me)

Today begins my internet fast. Oh, no - I'm not giving it up entirely (which should be obvious by this post, unless you assumed I wrote all my posts ahead of time and have them timed to post each day of Lent. That would have been a task!). I don't think I could handle that, not to mention it's such an important communication tool that I'd burn right through the few phone minutes I have if I ever gave up email.

No. But what I am doing is limiting my internet time to 30 minutes twice a day...which means since I already checked email and commented on some of your blogs, I have exactly six minutes left to write this post. It also means that you shouldn't expect a lot of creativity for the next several weeks! Actually, my posts may improve - they'll be more to the point and less of a stream-of-consciousness rant.

My hope is that by limiting my online time, I won't needlessly check facebook, email and blogs all day long. It feels so pointless when I do that and I just know that I could be spending time in prayer instead. Now I'll have to.

Speaking of prayer, I'm going to start praying the rosary every day and the rosary of the Seven Sorrows on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Ahh! The clock is ticking! Four minutes now...I'm going to have to have better time management when posting.

Okay, okay. I need to focus.

In cycle news is I had my peak +11 blood draw already today. Yay! It was a completely stress-free experience, praise God!! And the best part is I actually had a chance to witness, thanks to my ashes. The woman drawing my blood asked me if I knew I had something on my forehead, which allowed me to explain that they were ashes, why we get them, etc. Although she knew practically nothing about the Catholic Church (she asked if we worshipped God), she said she had always been intrigued by it. By the end of the conversation she was asking me if my parish had Sunday school, because she had two girls and they'd need to go. Can you believe that? She had me give her my parish name and website address and she thinks she might check it out. I was thrilled! But the most interesting part was that although she had no background knowledge about it, she knew she was being pulled towards it for some reason. She may never end up visiting a Catholic church, but she just might!

So that was my excitement for the day. That stuff never happens to me!

Well my time is up, so I'm signing off. I'll post again tonight if I get any of my blood draw results. Oh, and since it's peak +11 today, that means my cycle might be ending tomorrow (but no brown bleeding yet!), or at least it's on track to since my luteal phases are almost always eleven days. I hope I don't take it too hard.

Crazy pain and another blood draw

It's days like today when I am so thankful I don't work.

I woke up this morning, early, in pain. My whole body ached. I tried to go back to sleep for several hours, and was able to for the most part, but every time I woke up everything hurt. My entire back hurt, from my shoulders down to my lower back, and both my legs were in excruciating pain. My legs aching are usually a sign of a new cycle about to begin, but this time it has been much worse. And they've hurt like this, just not as bad, throughout this entire cycle. Always when I wake up.

So after trying to go back to sleep a few times, I realized it's not going to get better and lying in bed is only prolonging the agony. So I got out of bed and made it to the couch, where I quickly laid back down.

Praise God I don't have a job.

It always goes away after like half an hour. I feel much better now, just kind of out of it and dizzy when I stand up.

I'd love to know what exactly causes it. Like I said, the leg pain happens every month but not throughout the entire cycle like this and not this bad. Even last month, my first month on Tamoxifen, it wasn't this bad. I'm definitely going to tell my doctor at my next appointment.

Speaking of my doctor, I decided to call yesterday and request a peak+9 and peak+11 blood draw. I was talking with Lifehopes and she was surprised to hear I've never had that done, despite the fact that a month-long saliva test last spring showed that my progesterone dropped too quickly at the end of my luteal phase.

I called and he wasn't in, so I politely urged the nurse to see if another doctor or nurse practitioner could write it for me and fax it to my lab. She said she'd give it a try. About an hour later she called to say she'd done it. I was so excited...finally something seemed to work out easily! So I called the lab to see if they'd received the fax and they hadn't. I waited an hour. Still no fax. I asked the woman at the lab for the fax number there, and quickly realized the fax number on their website, the one I'd given my doctor's office, was wrong. I called back the office back and left a message (you always have to leave a message) with the correct number. I waited half an hour and called the lab. Still no fax. I waited another hour and called again. Still no fax.

The lab closed at four, and by this time it was after three. I was panicking. I even went into my "why can't anything be easy?" mode. I started to cry. Despite the fact that I really don't like to annoy people, I called the office back and left a second message. I waited ten minutes. Still no fax at the lab. Another ten minutes passed and it was 3:35. I called, and finally...it was there!

I had my peak+9 blood drawn, thanks be to God! And then, as I was leaving, I caught a glimpse of the fax. It said 15:01. So it looks like someone at the lab didn't see it for at least 30 minutes and my second message at my doctor's office was unnecessary. Now I really hope they're not too annoyed with me! I guess I need to remember that no one knows who I am and probably forgot about it a long time ago.

The bad news is that the order was only for peak+9, so I might have to go through everything again tomorrow. The nurse said she wanted my doctor to write the peak+11 when he came back, since it wasn't emergency to have it written yesterday. I'm hoping it all works out and they call me today or tomorrow saying they faxed it over.

So with all that going on yesterday, I didn't mention anything to the nurse about testing for the clotting disorder. I think what I'm going to do is wait for my blood test results, at least the ones from Saturday, and then set up an appointment. If I can get an appointment in the next couple of weeks, I'll wait and ask in person. But if it's like two months until I can get in, I'll ask over the phone.

Before I call, I need to give myself a pep talk. I need to tell myself that I can do this. They deal with pushy patients every day. It is not out of the ordinary for me to ask for a test. My doctor will not be offended. He is a great, prayerful person who wants to work with me on my treatment. He's the best doctor I've ever had and listens to all my questions and concerns. There is nothing to be afraid of.

Am I weird? Is it just second nature for everyone else to do what seems impossible to me? I just get so nervous, and for no apparent reason. And it has nothing to do with my doctor or his staff. It's just my hang up. I just hate the thought of being pushy or annoying to someone else. I hate the thought that, even for a second, my doctor might think that I think I know more than him.

Okay, now that you all think I'm crazy...

I'm going to go rest now. And maybe, just maybe, I'll even get my results back today from my peak+7 I had done on Saturday. If I do, I'll post them as soon as I get them!

*Update*

So my mom, who's a nurse, says leg pain can be due to a ton of things. She has often experienced leg pain associated with her cycle, she said, and also before she gets sick. She thinks the pain I described is nerve-related, rather than something to do with circulation. She said if it was circulatory, I'd feel some numbness, especially in my extremities, but I never do. My legs just ache, and it's mostly from my knees, up. She said it could be due to something moving or expanding at different times of my cycle, like my uterus, putting pressure on my nerves. I like this explanation because it's not anything seriously wrong with me.

Close call

So today was peak +7 and I was determined to have my blood drawn on the correct day this month since last cycle it was anyone's guess what day I had it drawn. Even still, I pushed it right to the last minute and at 11:35 (the clinic closed at noon) we were pulled over on the side of the road, looking up the location on Ryan's iPhone. 

We finally found it, but as we pulled up I panicked. I had forgotten the slip from my doctor. It as a twenty minute or more drive home so there was no way we would make it, but I knew I had to try. Ryan dropped me off and immediately headed back home while I ran around this oddly-layed-out medical building complex looking for what ended up being an unmarked door to the lab.

I signed in and tried to stay calm. I prayed the rosary, asking Our Lady to help us out - get Ryan home and back safely and quickly, make those ahead of me move very slowly, and make the woman working the lab have a kind heart and be sympathetic to my situation. 

Not surprisingly, my prayers were answered. With a few people ahead of me in line, my name didn't get called until shortly after twelve and by that time Ryan was on his way back, about ten minutes away. I begged the woman to wait and she agreed. She locked the door and started in on whatever she had to do before she left for the day, while I watched the parking lot through a waiting room window. He finally arrived and she drew my blood. God bless her. I hope I didn't interfere too much with her day. I know staying later than she had planned on a Saturday is probably not what she had in mind.

I say 'not surprisingly' my prayers were answered because I know how powerful the intercession of Our Lady is, but I should also point out that a lot had to go right for my blood to get drawn. It takes at least twenty minutes to get home and twenty minutes to get back. At least. Ryan did it in thirty. And the woman was so sweet, despite the fact that she probably wanted nothing more than to get home to her family on a Saturday afternoon. I have no doubt my prayers were heard. I'm not saying that this was the biggest deal ever, or that the world would have stopped if I had to wait until Monday, but it just goes to show that prayer can be a powerful tool in all situations.

And you know what? It might have been God's will for me to not get my blood drawn; we all know that we don't always hear a "yes" to our prayer requests. But when I put it in our Lady's hands, I felt calm and knew it would all work out, no matter what happened.

So now I wait. Hopefully I'll have the results by mid week.

I'm actually considering asking for an appointment with my doctor. I know for some of you that is a normal request, but for some reason I am nervous about it. He said we'd talk again after the four cycles of Tamoxifen are complete (I'm on number two right now), but even that is up in the air. I kind of got the impression that he thought my next call would be telling him I was pregnant, which is good, but I'm thinking I need a plan B.

I know some of you may have read on Sew's blog that her doctor is testing her for a clotting disorder that he suspects of causing very early miscarriage in some women. Well, I've never written about this before, but I have had some very odd circumstances that have had me thinking for more than a month now that I should get tested for this. It's not that I have a medical reason to think I have it; it's more that I keep getting outward signs (Sew's appointment being one of the most recent) that this may be an issue for me; like perhaps the Holy Spirit is pushing me to get the test. I am still not sure about this, and tend to think that perhaps this message is actually meant for someone else I know. 

Sorry if that seems cryptic. My dilemma is that I need to decide if I should bring this up to my doctor. Well, I have already decided to bring it up to him eventually, but I am starting to think I should call and set up an appointment to talk about it sooner rather than later. But what do I say? On what grounds do I ask for an appointment (I figure the blood clotting thing would probably be too confusing to explain to a nurse over the phone)? Can I just tell the nurse I have done two rounds of Tamoxifen and I want to sit down with him to talk about it?

I'm probably overreacting. Part of me thinks it would be impatient of me and I should just wait until I'm done with the Tamoxifen.

I'd love to hear what you think. 

Pain and surrendering

It's a not-super-chilly, sunny day here in the V-A. Sophie likes our new screen door, as you can see, but not as much as I do! You can also see in this picture that she is shaved right down, poor thing. She actually has been shivering and so those silly dog sweaters have been put to practical use lately!

So I had some weird pain this morning. The day started out fine - I woke up like normal and went on the internet for about twenty minutes. Then, when I got up from the computer, I began to have horrible abdominal pain. I made it to the couch and by then it had gotten a lot worse. It was kind of like the endometriosis cramps I used to have, where they are so bad that you just know they can't possibly last (although they usually did). I can sense the actual pain is moving, if you know what I mean. 

While it was at its worse, it was centered on my left side. I took four advil and got a heating pad. I don't even know what's good or bad to do during the luteal phase, but I didn't care (plus, my doctor once laughed at me for questioning whether advil was okay to take and Ryan likes to remind me of this all the time). 

Ryan was trying to ask me questions and it hurt so bad I could barely respond. The one thing I was able to tell him was that I was contemplating whether I should get dressed, brush my hair and put on some make-up (yes, I really would have) in case we needed to go to the emergency room. I was afraid it was only going to get worse and that I'd better get ready while I still could.

And then it went away, as quickly as it came.

I have no idea what this means, but I don't think it's endometriosis returning because that pain was always exclusively at the beginning of my cycle (today is cycle day 22). My gut tells me it was gas, but that bad? I know, I know...gas can be REALLY bad, but I don't have any other intestinal problems to speak of. Who knows.

Part of me is, of course, wondering if it was like a ruptured cyst, the one I have always suspected is on my left ovary, but I really am thinking gas. I just tend to suspect everything is cycle related, so I am a bit curious.

**************

In other news, I am still feeling a great sense of surrendering. I hesitate to say that I "surrendered" because that implies that it was an action I took, which I didn't. Although I will say that I haven't fought it, so I guess I am at least partially responsible for the feeling remaining for several days. The Lord knows I could resist it if I wanted to!

But who would want do that? It really is an amazing feeling. Not only do I trust the Lord's plan for me, but I am excited to see what it is! Every time I have left things up to God, it has always turned out great. And since my own track record is not as good, it only makes sense to defer to him.

I should also point out that this doesn't mean that I think now that I have surrendered my life to him, that everything will be peachy. I know this isn't necessarily true, that's part of having blind faith. Sometimes he calls us to move out of our comfort zone, to do things we never planned on doing, or to work harder than we've ever worked before. Infertility is a perfect example of this. I believe he is allowing this cross in our lives to be living witnesses of faith, so who knows what he might ask of us next. All I know is that I wouldn't turn him down if he asked me face to face, so I shouldn't turn him down no matter how the invitation arrives.

That all being said, I feel great about this. I feel light and peaceful. I feel like I am moving forward, rather than beating down a closed door (thanks, Lifehopes!). I feel like I am running on land rather than walking upstream with weights on my feet (which is how I usually feel!). And, dare I say, I feel like I might even be able to feel joy! I don't want to get carried away, though.

So no matter what is ahead, I know that if I continue to surrender to his will, I will be well equipped to handle anything that comes our way. I just feel like God has been there waiting to help me and I wasn't letting him. Now that I am, I am hoping he can get to work on my heart, to take away my selfish desire for biological children and give me a heart to love whatever child he gives us.

And, yes, I am afraid that I will wake up one day soon and will be back to my old way of thinking. I know that this could be at least partially due to hormones and when whatever it is that is making me feel up falls, I might fall too. I also know that the end of this cycle won't be easy and I will have to hold on tight while I ride out the storm. But I'm not going to worry about any of that now.

Honestly, the one negative about my new attitude is that my impatience is really being exposed. I'm like, God, I'm ready! I can't wait to see what you have in store! No...really...I want to see it now! So that will be something that I'll have to tackle with prayer. The good news is that everything seems easier now, so working on my impatience doesn't even stress me out!

Some thoughts

Just some random thoughts I wanted to post about tonight (or technically, this morning):

• I just returned from adoration where I prayed the Rosary of the Seven Sorrows. Let me just say...A-MAZ-ING (which, I noticed during my CatholicTV interview, is a word I apparently say a lot). I used the meditations and prayers from the back of Immaculee Ilibagiza's new book, Our Lady of Kibeho, and they are unbelievable. Just what I needed, they were all about suffering and really answered a lot of the questions I've been pondering lately.

• For those of you who are interested, you can watch my movie, Watch With Me, online as it is airing live. For example, I just checked and it's not currently available, but earlier tonight, when it was on at 10, I was able to watch it live on www.catholictv.com. The next time you can catch it is tomorrow (Wednesday) at 4 p.m. (check the movie's website for all air times this week). All you have to do is log onto CatholicTV's website, www.catholictv.com, and it will appear in the video window on the home page. 

• If you want to watch my interview on the CatholicTV show This Is The Day, it can be seen anytime on www.catholictv.com. Just click on "This Is The Day", and you should see my episode. 
  

• I realized tonight that CatholicTV sent out a press release about my movie airing and it was even posted here.

• So, back to infertility for a moment. I have a new attitude that I'll write more about in the coming days, but let's just say I feel a sense of surrendering. I really didn't know what it meant to surrender before this week, and the thought of it really frustrated me. But it just happened, and I'm also not sure where it came from. Well, I know exactly where it came from and it wasn't from me!  Thanks be to God for this wonderful grace. That being said, if I had read this on someone's blog while I was at a low point, it would have only made me feel worse. I'm sure I'd wonder, Why not me? I'd think it was just another case of God blessing someone and leaving me behind to suffer. All I can say is, in my humble opinion, I think we all come to it at different points in our journey and I think, at least in my case, I needed to go through the different stages of grief and acceptance before I could get to this point. I yearned to truly surrender for the past four years, and I still am not sure how long this peaceful feeling will last; because I didn't do anything to deserve it, I am afraid I could just as easily go back to feeling despair. I am just thankful for every moment right now. I will definitely write more about this topic soon.

• In cycle news, I think I ovulated on Saturday. It was a 10KL AD day, which I am very thankful for. That makes all that nauseating B6 worth it, at least! I was hoping it wasn't going to happen on Sunday, since peak +7 would have fallen on this coming Sunday when labs are closed. I like it when things work out.

• And for those of you who watch American Idol: Is there any mystery who is going to win this season? Now I'd like to take a moment to speak directly to my favorite contestant, Danny. Danny, you church music director, you...you're unbelievable, and yes, you bring me hope. You made me cry, and I will buy your album (which I hope is possibly even Christian), or, since I haven't bought an actual album since college, at least download a song on iTunes. And the only reason Simon is being hard on you is because he needs it to be at least somewhat of a contest this season. Now let's just hope America didn't get over confident for you and forget to actually vote.