Another month

My sweet little boy is five months old today!

I probably say this every month, but where does the time go? November does not seem that long ago and yet he's no longer a newborn in any sense of the word.

Working hard on those raspberries

If you're interested in what little Lukie's been up to, you can check out an update on my other blog, Our Life With Clara and Luke.

I realized today that my very favorite photos of Clara were taken when she turned five-months old, so I decided to take pictures of Luke today in sort of the same way. I grabbed his quilt and a boppy - we used Clara's quilt for her photo shoot a year ago (which a friend shot, not me) - and managed to get all three of us into the front yard.

I didn't try to copy them exactly (no offense to Luke, but he hasn't mastered intense "smizing" the way Clara had at such a young age), but they did come out sort of similar.

Don't you just love how babies kick their legs up when they laugh?

Happy five months, Luke! And feel free to slow down when it comes to getting big!

My prayer buddy

We're back home from vacation and a wonderful Easter Sunday at Ryan's parents' (see babies above in their Easter finest).

It's nice to be home, but it's also not so nice to have to unpack and clean up and make dinner after not doing so for over a week. Ahhhh.. I love vacations.

Without further ado, though, I need to reveal my Lenten prayer buddy because blogging time is pretty rare these days (as I type, Luke's propped up on a pillow nursing and Clara's crying in her crib!).

I was so excited when I got the email saying who my prayer buddy was. It's someone who I met in Catholic infertility blogland years ago, back when there weren't too many of us, and someone I already pray for. You know those names that pop into your head first at Mass or during a Rosary? Well she's one of mine. I have prayed for a few years now that she will become a mother.

I've also had the pleasure of meeting her in real life. Yup, she's one of my fellow BW girls and she, like the others, has held a special place in my heart ever since.

So this Lent, I stepped up the prayers I already say for her. I included her in my daily Rosary (which I started saying specifically during Lent), my family prayed for her every night before dinner during grace, and I prayed for her during the consecration each week. I also offered up any suffering for her (as recently as last night, actually, when both babies were screaming in the back seat on our way home.. not terrible suffering, of course, but I offered up whatever I could!)

I was excited when she nearly bought a house during Lent, but felt confident she wasn't supposed to buy those homes when it didn't work out. I also hoped my prayers regarding adoption (for God to lead her down the path of adoption if that was His will for her) were being heard when she posted about good news about adoption in her country. And, I was glad when recently she received yet another diagnosis (not happy she has the issue, but glad it was revealed). I'm continuing to pray this is the final piece to her infertility puzzle.

Figured it out yet? My prayer buddy was Jelly Belly!

J, you are such a special, faithful woman and an inspiration to so many. It was my honor to pray for you this Lent and I will continue to do so!

Vacation

We're on vacation at the beach with my family this week. We've come for several years and I always imagined what it'd be like to have babies with us. Last year we had Clara (and, technically, Luke was along for the ride in utero) but she was really too young to have any idea what was going on.

This year, though, she is having a blast. And I'm having so much fun watching her have fun. It's better than I ever imagined - watching her run around on the beach, laugh hysterically in the pool, absolutely light up when she sees her grandparents, and melt down in restaurants. Okay, maybe not that last one.

I'm also excited because we went from exactly two family photos of the four of us, to now about six. I'm making the most of having people around to take pictures of us!

Here are some of my favorite shots from the week so far:



It's official

Today was a monumental day. It just didn't feel like it all that much.

A year and almost four months ago, we experienced one of the greatest days of our lives - meeting Clara. She was put into my arms and we put her, all barely five pounds of her, into her car seat and drove off. She was our daughter immediately. I like to think she was even our daughter before we met her, we just didn't know it yet.

We've spent the past 15 months just totally in awe of the miracle that she is. I really, really need to write a post about how she was born ten - TEN! - weeks early and not only has no developmental delays but she is actually ahead for her age in many areas (and not her adjusted age..we stopped going by that after about three months).

She has been a member of our family since January 6, 2010. She has been Clara Therese.. daughter, big sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, Goddaughter, and Godsister.

So nothing changed today, other than a judge in another state many miles away was presented with all of our paperwork and declared us her legal parents. Or something like that. I'm not sure because we weren't there.

(It would've been fun to be there, for the awesome photo-op with the judge, but that's okay. I'm not exactly asking to take two babies half-way across the country at the moment.)

For most adoptive parents, today would have been the milestone. The days would have been counted down to the finalization and a huge sigh of relief would have been breathed. Don't get me wrong, we are over the moon with excitement. And we are relieved (probably more than I ever wanted to admit). And I, too, would have felt that way, if it had taken only six, or eight months to finalize.

But when your finalization isn't for 15 months, counting down the days isn't exactly an option. And, to me, it seemed like focusing on that day way in the future would have somehow meant discrediting the nearly year-and-a-half she's been our baby. Does that make sense?

So I successfully put it out of my mind and told myself it didn't matter. Until the day got close, a court date was scheduled and I allowed myself to think about it for the first time.

We went about our business this morning like it was any other day, although we did refresh our inbox more than normal. And when the email came it seemed sort of anticlimactic. She was ours before it and after.

It is pretty nice when it's official though (although now I really want to get that final decree in my hands!).

She is truly our miracle. God's gift to us that I will never stop thanking him for.

I wrote a post once, while I was waiting to become a mother, about how I felt like the rotten little kid who was jealous of everyone else getting their gifts and wondering where mine was. Little did I know the biggest, most beautiful gift was there, wrapped up with a perfect bow, waiting for me the whole time.

I am so unworthy.

Back in the swing of things

Things have been a little crazy (crazier?) lately around here.

Ryan found out last week he was going to Houston to cover the Final Four and - because I am in no way equipped to even attempt to be a single mother to two little ones for more than a day, much less a week - the babies and I spent the week in New York with my family.

Clara with my sister, C, and future-brother-in-law, J

Clara loves her uncle-to-be

We had a great time with my parents, my sister and her fiance. We even visited my mom, who's a school nurse, at work and paid a visit to my sister's pre-kindergarten class where Clara stole the show. The kids were so cute, swarming her and Clara never missed a beat. She was totally into the toys, but her very favorite things she discovered were those child-sized chairs. I guess there is something cool about finding something made just for your size when everything in the world so far has been way too big!

Clara and her great-grandfather, Poppa

Ryan had a great time in Houston too, and we're all back at home now.

Of course, sleep issues are still a big part of our life so I can't leave out an update about that.

Let me put it this way - Luke likes three things: My arms, nursing and being awake. Not necessarily in that order.

We are trying to embrace this, and not dwell on what he's not doing (i.e. sleeping, and sleeping in his crib). Infertility taught me that fighting something you have little control over just adds to the stress.

And yes, I have come to the conclusion that we have little control over his sleeping. We have tried it all. We've tried letting him cry (trust me, he would scream-blood curdling screams for hours if we let him), rocking (works once in a while, and even then it only works if he stays in my arms), and co-sleeping (uncomfortable for me, and the only way Luke likes it [literally sleeping in the crook of my arm all night] is probably not the safest form of this).

And I don't think it's anything physically wrong with him because he really is a very happy baby when he's awake. And he's a happy sleepy baby when he's in my arms. It's just that whole putting him down thing...

And in case you're wondering why I am not realizing that I've created an adorable little monster who never wants to be put down, I would remind you he was a pretty good sleeper up until three months. He even transitioned to his crib there for a while.

I've thought about it a lot and I think it comes down to this: Some babies are great sleepers, some babies can be trained, and some babies can't. At least not until they're ready.

Yes, I still often feel like a terrible, failure of a mother. But then I remember that Clara was a great sleeper, and we've tried everything with Luke and we have to sleep. I'm pretty sure it's extremely unhealthy to never sleep ever, and Ryan couldn't exactly keep a job on no sleep either.

So right now, he's sleeping with me in bed at night and I nurse him when he wakes. It is so incredibly uncomfortable though, and I don't know how much longer we can keep it up. I thought maybe I was doing it wrong, but nursing him on the bed at my parents' last week was heavenly, so I now know it's our mattress.

I also am a super-reluctant co-sleeper and I am praying we can find a way to get him into his crib soon. I've started adding the intention to my daily Rosary. At first I thought it was too trivial a matter, but then I decided my baby's health and well-being is never trivial. So Our Lady, if you hear me, please help my little non-sleeper!

Well the vibration and music just stopped on his little seat so he's awake and crying (I know! Bad habit to get into but when your baby doesn't sleep you do what you can).

Before I go, though, I wanted to share some pictures of our now four-and-a-half-month-old and 15-pound Luke. And he's modeling his adorable new Super Luke costume, which we purchased in this blogger's awesome auction!

Super Luke!

Faster than a speeding bullet

The man of steel!

His serious look works for this

C-section courage

Things are still pretty nuts in our house and I'm so exhausted by it all that I can't bring myself to write about it anymore than I already have (although I compose posts in my head about it constantly!).

The good news is we're past the sickness, thank God, but the bad news is it looks like Luke's desire to be awake 20 hours a day is here to stay. We had just resigned ourselves to co-sleeping - after that was the only way he'd sleep at all for about a week - when he decided he's over that. Swing? Over it. Lamb seat? Over it. Crib? Oh ya, over it.

Enough of that, though. Since he's napping at the moment and his naps last, oh, about 10 minutes, I wanted to just post super quick about a couple of beautiful blog posts that made my day yesterday. My sweet husband saw one of the them and sent it to me because he just knew it'd make me happy.

They're about c-sections. And the way they're often viewed by those who have them and society. Hopefully they'll help some of you as much as they helped me.

Birth Bravery is the first one. Here's an excerpt:

A few minutes later I was rolled into the OR, shifted over to the operating table, and was awake (though thankfully numb) as I was cut open to have my 10-pound child safely removed from my body. I think that’s pretty badass.

I love that. What a completely different way of looking at it.

The other blog post is linked from the first blog post, and it can be found here. This one made me cry. Here's an excerpt:

It doesn't matter if the surgery is necessary or unnecessary, what matters is that it takes extraordinary courage to say: "Cut me open. I love my baby so much, that I will do anything to get my baby out of my body alive. Lay me out, cut me open because I love my baby so much."

I still deal with emotions from my c-section at times, as I'm sure anyone who's had one can understand. But shifting the way I view it can help so much - I didn't miss out on a vaginal delivery, I (with the help of the doctor and, of course, GOD) saved Luke's life, and possibly mine, by doing what was necessary at the time. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it! I would do anything for him - even if he doesn't sleep a wink - and when you think about it that way a c-section is nothing. And so what if I didn't get the birth I had hoped for? I got the baby and absolutely nothing else matters. And it was kinda badass :)

More advice please!

Well I spoke too soon about Luke's day-time schedule. Yesterday he didn't nap at all, except in the car on the way home from the doctor's office. Definitely over-tired.

His lungs sounded fine yesterday at his appointment, but the doctor thought his breathing wasn't moving as freely as it should so she wants me to give him a breathing treatment before bed. She also had me give him one while we were in the office and listened to him after but it didn't really help at all. So who knows if it will help here at home.

We're also going to try me giving up eggs. Just as a test. I eat them nearly every morning so it's definitely something that's a regular part of my diet that could be affecting him.

Yesterday was tough. I was exhausted, he wasn't sleeping and Clara had a bizillion medications and treatments she needed. I kept reminding myself of two things. One, that it could be a lot harder (the number of treatments and medications my babies are getting pale in comparison to children with serious medical problems, and many of those aren't temporary like these are). And two, that it won't be like this forever. Plus, I get to offer it up for my prayer buddy.

And the good news is Clara is improving. Thank God! Her nose was not runny yesterday for the first time in over two weeks. And after I got home from Luke's appointment, I walked in and looked at her and couldn't believe she looked like her old self again! Her eyes were back to normal and weren't swollen with dark circles. What a great sight to see.

Thank you all for your advice and consolation. I do think that maybe he's not napping enough during the day, but the problem is he just won't. So my question for all of you who suggested more naps... do your kids just fall asleep when you put them down? Because Luke won't.

And perhaps I exaggerated his penchant for daytime naps. You know how when things are good for a couple days you think they've always been like that, and vice versa? Well, he had napped great (went down awake and slept for one to two hours) for a few days before my last post, and I guess it seemed like he'd always been doing it. But yesterday and today's lack of napping reminded me that it definitely doesn't always happen like that.

So... what do I do? Generally speaking, I'm not opposed to letting a baby cry a little to get them to sleep, but the problem is it doesn't work for him. He would never stop.

And as for co-sleeping, well, I probably am in denial which is why I didn't say anything the other day, but I do nurse him in bed at least once a night and he does fall asleep there. As do I. But as soon as I wake up (totally sore) and move my arm out from under him, he wakes up and cries. And I just haven't been able to find a way to nurse him lying down that's entirely comfortable.

So that's not a long-term solution for us. It's kind of more of a band-aid. My goal is to get him in his crib in his nursery.

Anyways, is there anyone out there whose baby just doesn't fall asleep? Or are we the only family who just won't go down? (I know, I highly doubt it!)

As for his night last night, he did (thank God!) fall asleep last night around ten (I think he fell asleep nursing and stayed asleep when I put him down) and slept till one. He then nursed and slept in bed with me until 4 a.m. Then there was a lot of rocking by his father, to no avail, followed by me nursing again around 6, and then him sleeping in his vibrating chair from 7 till 10. So not terrible but also not ideal.

So your advice is still welcome and much appreciated! In particular, what to do about babies who just do not fall asleep. I'm just at a loss. Totally dumbfounded. His doctor didn't even know what to do. I need all the help I can get!