The shot and the shrinking follicle

I'm back home after my appointment and I got the shot! Yay!

So Dr. L did another ultrasound and this time the follicle was smaller than yesterday. It had been like 2.74 and today it was something like 1.7 or 1.8. I wondered if that was a bad sign and she said no, that it was because I was in the process of ovulating.

So follicles shrink? Has anyone heard of that before? It just amazes me how little I know about all of this.

Anyway, then she said that she could see irregularities and I got nervous because that usually doesn't mean something good. Is that bad, I asked? No, she assured me, it means you're ovulating. You want to see that. Phew, okay.

She then checked for fluid behind my cervix (is that even right? I don't pay close enough attention!) and didn't see any yet.

Then a nurse gave me the shot, which took like one second, and Dr. L wrote me out an order for peak +7, 9, & 11 blood work.

So I'm wondering about this shrinking follicle. Dr. L seemed to think it was totally and completely normal that it got smaller and that it was, in fact, evidence of ovulation. I'm not sure why it still makes me curious, maybe because I've never heard of it before.

I guess I should just be grateful I have real proof that I ovulated this month. Dr. L had no doubt that's what we saw today.

Oh and I've had 10KL three times to far today, so I'm good to go.

So then I was in a great mood driving home, only to get pulled over for speeding five minutes from my house. And I got a ticket. I was doing 64 in a high-speed toll lane when the speed limit was 45. Crap. (And, I might add, Ryan just noticed the cop had to fill out my weight, which is not on my license, and guessed twenty pounds too high. Nice!)

Oh well. I'm just happy that, after five years of treatment, I finally got a shot. Why did it take this long? My treatment definitely hasn't been what you'd call aggressive up to this point, that's for sure. The RE I saw a couple weeks ago asked if I was holistic! That's okay though. It's all in God's time.

And don't worry, I'm not counting on the trigger shot to be my magic fix. I am just happy to be doing something proactive during this time of waiting and I know that it is up to God when and if I ever conceive. But you better believe I'll be asking for St. Therese's intercession tomorrow on her feast day! We share a birthday, so I like to think she looks out for me.

"I do not fear trials sent by Jesus, for even in the most bitter suffering we can see that it is His loving hand which causes it...When we are expecting nothing but suffering, we are quite surprised at the least joy; but then suffering itself becomes the greatest of joys when we seek it as a precious treasure." (St. Therese of Lisieux)

Package arrived

There was some nervousness this morning regarding whether the trigger shot would arrive before I had to leave for my scheduled hour of adoration (someone needed to sign for it and Ryan wasn't home to sign for it or able to go to adoration) but it worked out perfectly and arrived minutes before I had to leave. Praise God!

Now we are back from adoration, having lunch and then I am off to Northern VA for my appointment. Hoping all goes smoothly as it has so far, and that the shot can do its job. Then I'm meeting Jeremiah 29:11 for dinner. I can't wait!

I'm also praying for some fertile cm, since I had like nine days of it then yesterday saw nothing.

I'll update later about my appointment!

Trigger shot, here I come!

I had a great appointment today! Dr. L did an ultrasound and discovered a very good-sized follicle on my left ovary. I think I remember the screen saying it measured 2.74 cm. Does that sound right? I know she said it was a little bigger than it needed to be and that I might ovulate today or tomorrow.

So she is letting me try the trigger shot! It's Ovi.drel (which I love that I'm finally able to try since so many of you have told me of your success on it!). They ordered it from Free.dom Pharmacy today and it's being over-nighted and delivered (hopefully) tomorrow morning to my doorstep. Then, tomorrow afternoon I will take the shot and drive two hours to see Dr. L again, where she will give me the shot and do another ultrasound (which I think she's doing just because I'll be there, so why not?).

I know I probably could have argued to give myself the shot, especially since I'm so far away from the office, but that's fine. I didn't have any plans tomorrow and I can make the trip. And it'll be nice to look again via ultrasound.

So here's my theory: Today is cycle day 13. I usually peak around day 17, as late as 18 and sometimes as early as 15. I never ovulate on day 13, and have only peaked on day 14 once in as long as I can remember. My point is that I doubt it's a fluke that I have a big follicle this cycle on day 13. Perhaps I always have very ripe follicles this early and then I don't ovulate until three to five days later. I don't know if that means anything, or if it's even necessarily a bad thing, but I have been told in the past (based on a hormone panel last year) that my ovaries were slow.

Dr. B actually once compared my ovaries to the token clunky couple on Dan.cing With The St.ars (i.e. not smooth, precise and fast, and yes he really said that). He said things weren't "clicking" at the right time and that ovulation is a very precise process where everything needs to happen at the correct time (at least that's what I remember him saying, it's been a while). So wouldn't that mean a trigger shot might be what I need?

So what if - and here's my completely non-medical theory coming in - my eggs are good earlier on (like this cycle, on day 13) and they just aren't getting pushed out when they should, and so they hang around a little too long in the ovary, possibly even after the necessary hormones do their thing? Maybe I always have good follicles as early as day 13 (and as I learned today, it's definitely large) but then don't ovulate until day 17, which I can't imagine is a good thing.

Does that make sense? And, to me at least, it seems like a trigger shot (taken when we know the follie is good and big early on) might be just what I need. Who knows though, I'm no doctor and barely know how ovulation works!

I also found it interesting that I think I ovulated on the left last cycle too and I'm obviously going to ovulate on that side again. As for the right ovary, well, she couldn't even see it on ultrasound. Sounds somewhat worrisome to me, but she didn't seem concerned at all. After all, it is a tiny, little clump of ovary tissue left over after two major surgeries. I asked if it could be due to adhesions, and she said while it's possible, things did seem fluid and moveable in there. That's good, I guess!

So we'll go to adoration in the morning, pray our hearts out that the shot I'll get later in the day will work, and then I'll head to the doctor's around 1 p.m. for the 4 p.m. appointment (there are bound to be delays on 95). I'm praying I get the package in the mail before I have to leave (Fedex currently says it should be here by 10:30 a.m.).

Yesterday I was stressed at how the timing of all this would work out, but it seems like it's going to work perfectly. It won't interrupt our weekend get-away to the beach on Friday, or my plans with GIMH and Fertile Thoughts on Thursday, and now I'll hopefully even get to see Jeremiah 29:11 tomorrow too!

I'm just so excited that I can finally try something that I've felt lead to try for many months. It's been a good week. Thanks, God!

Home again

We had a great weekend up north. It was a whirlwind of a trip with a ton of driving, but it was a good time.

Ryan got to show me around his college campus and I was so proud of him when he was presented with his big award. We also got to spend time with some old friends we haven't seen in a while and they were generous enough to let us stay at their house Friday night. We loved seeing their two kids, who are so cute, although it does remind us of what we are missing out on. We also got to spend time with my family on Saturday night and Sunday, so that was a nice bonus.

At the Lobster Bake where he received his award

Giving his speech

It was probably after midnight here and the kids were wide awake!

Ryan just woke up.. can you tell?

We got home early this morning. Then shortly after we woke up today Ryan realized he'd been honored again - by being named one of the two best political reporters in our state by the Washi.ngton Po.st! It really is a huge honor, especially because he has only been doing this two years. I don't have any kids to be proud of, but at least I have my husband!

So tomorrow we are heading up 95 N once again, for an ultrasound appointment with Dr. L. I don't really know what to expect. I'm hoping she will agree to do the trigger shot, but will that depend on what my follicle looks like? I'm afraid she will say that I don't need one, and because I have no real idea what the shot is actually for, I don't know how to argue my case. It could be that she is already planning on giving me the trigger. I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

I'm also worried about getting subsequent ultrasounds this week because I have adoration on Wednesday, plans with GIMH and Fertile Thoughts on Thursday and then we're heading out of town for a weekend trip (belated anniversary getaway) on Friday. Tomorrow is cycle day 13 and I usually ovulate late, like around day 17 or 18 which will be this weekend. Does anyone know how a trigger shot works? Could she do an ultrasound on Thursday, see that it looks like I'll ovulate over the weekend and plan for me to do the trigger myself? I really need to read up on this.

I'll let you know how it all goes...

Really?

Seriously, did this really just happen?

Woman conceives while pregnant

As if watching the Duggars have twenty kids while we have zero isn't bad enough, now a woman becomes pregnant twice in three weeks. How is that even possible? Could it have been double ovulation? Ahhh!

Okay so I just found an interview with the actual couple and it is even more shocking:

Interview with Grovenburgs

So the younger baby was the one she thought she knew about. The more developed fetus was the one that shocked her! She says she couldn't believe it because she took a negative pregnancy test initially and then got her period!!

Okay, at first this story made me despair but now I'm more in awe of God's wondrous power. And it also makes me kinda question all those negative tests we all are getting! I know it's so rare to get a false negative and I'm sure this is not my problem but it just makes you think twice. I mean she got her period! Good thing she wasn't taking Tamoxifen. That might have ended the pregnancy.

Well we're about to leave to head up north because Ryan is getting a big award from his college alma mater tomorrow. Isn't that exciting? I'm so proud of him!

I just hope the road trip helps to get my mind off of everything else. I am so low, it's just becoming harder and harder to envision ever getting out of this. Seriously, I'm now equating getting "the" call with getting a positive pregnancy test - an impossibility. My body working in the way God intended it to is just as plausible as our caseworker picking up her phone to call us with good news. I know it could happen, but in my mind it's not going to. Nice way to be positive, I know! It's just that when something doesn't happen for so long, it really seems impossible. I'm trying to pray more about what God would want for us outside of parenthood, but it's hard. What else is new.

Listening to my husband

So Ryan has been pushing me lately to be more aggressive on the medical side of things. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I mean, I feel silly to keep this dream alive after five years. I wanted to move on, whatever that means.

But I make it a point to always listen to my husband's wishes when it comes to infertility. I think part of it is being a submissive wife, but I think a large part of it is hoping it's the Holy Spirit working through him. Maybe we are supposed to keep pushing things medically. Maybe it's not even to conceive but to diagnose and treat another problem.

He just feels strongly that we should give it one last shot. And I do see his point. I haven't even tried many of the seemingly basic treatments that nearly all other infertile women have (injectibles, trigger shot, HCG, any ovulation drugs other than tamoxifen). Yes, I have tried for five years, but in that time all I've done is have surgeries, treat diseases with medication and take Tamoxifen. That's it. Should I throw in the towel after only trying Tamoxifen? I don't know how I feel about that.

So yesterday before leaving for work he basically instructed me to call Tep.eyac and demand a trigger shot and ultrasounds, and to call PPVI and see about becoming a patient again.

I have no problem with asking for a trigger shot, but I am a little hesitant to work with PPVI again. As you may recall, I ran into major roadblocks a year and a half ago with them and I believe I really fell through the cracks. I appreciate what they do, but they really dropped the ball with me. I did get a surgery, but in the months that followed all I did was pay $40 for a monthly cycle review and was told each time to learn yellow stamps. Really? Again? How about diagnosing the PCOS that is probably causing the excess mucus that requires learning yellow stamps?

Sorry. Off topic.

Anyways, I called Tepeyac and left a message asking for ultrasounds and a trigger shot. Today, a nurse called back and said Dr. L wanted me to schedule an ultrasound for day 12 or 13. I asked if that meant she would do a trigger shot and the nurse said all the note called for was scheduling an ultrasound. That's fine. I don't think she'd do the ultrasound if she wasn't at least considering a trigger shot.

So I have an appointment for next Tuesday morning. Ryan said he has no problem making the long drive there and back multiple days in a row if need be. Okay. I can do that if he can.

Then I called PPVI yesterday and spoke with someone who updated my information and said she'd have a nurse call me today. I did talk with a nurse today and she basically just asked what I was interested in. I explained that I was hoping to start working with them again and asked if she wanted any information, medication I was on, etc. So she asked for my medications, but honestly I'm not sure she would have if I didn't offer it. She asked about my hormone levels, I told her my progesterone and estradiol have been great the past year, and when I asked if she wanted any of those results she said no, that Dr. H would want them tested in the future.

So the nurse then said she'd have Dr. H review everything ("everything" meaning none of my records, just a few tiny details about the last 18 months, although I did make sure to stress that I had a recurrence of an endometrioma, which he told me at my post-op wouldn't happen for many, many years) and get back to me.

I know I shouldn't go into a situation with preconceived notions, but I can't help but think that doors are going to be closed to me when it comes to working with PPVI. My two main worries are that 1) I'm, again, not going to be able to have my blood drawn and mailed to them in Omaha, and 2) that Dr. H is going to want me to start taking T3 again.

I am not, under any conditions, starting over from scratch taking my stupid temps and pulses for months on end! Remember this statement! No way, no how!

Sorry.

Maybe they won't demand that. Maybe it won't be a deal breaker.

So I'm not sure how I feel about this. I guess I don't mind too much if doors continue to be opened. While I have felt called to be patient when it comes to adoption, I never really felt called to stop things medically. That was more my self-preservation kicking in (and my desire to not grow any more painfully large cysts. Is that too much to ask?). I mean, common sense would tell you that a pregnancy is not in my future, but I do feel uncomfortable stopping everything for good when we don't even know why I'm not conceiving.

It also helped that I watched a marathon of Mystery Diagnosis the other day. These people fight and fight for a diagnosis until they get one (actually, it usually seems like they just luck out with calling the right doctor). It was kind of inspiring.

We'll see. I guess it's something to do while I endure the terribly long excruciating adoption wait. I just hope it's not too difficult to go through the motions of acting like I think there's still a shot of getting pregnant. It was kind of humiliating having the RE the other day tell me repeatedly that "five years is a looooooong time." But I guess if something is humbling, then it is only good for me, right? Maybe continuing on with treatments will all be one big lesson in humility.

Who knows what this will bring. All I can do is just pray and ask the Lord to lead me in the right direction. Speaking of that, I'm off to start my novena to St. Therese.

Before I go, I just wanted to say that I loved Glee tonight (already downloaded 'Taking Chances' on iTunes.. LOVE her voice!) but why does the infertile woman always have to be nuts?!

Hard

I am struggling to hang on here. It has been a very difficult time lately. I just feel like every second I am treading upstream in water, like every step is so difficult.

I don't mean to complain or sound overly dramatic, I am just being honest.

I am trusting in Jesus but the day-to-day of this is so incredibly difficult that I don't know how I will continue to endure this for years to come. As many of you know, living in a world full of parents and children is really sometimes unbearable. Every time I watch t.v., go online, or leave my house it is like salt being poured in the wound (well, I could compare it to worse tortures than salt in a wound, but I will try to keep this from going off the deep end).

St. Faustina said that her tongue should only be used to praise God and I am trying hard to remember that.

I just pray that my suffering can be used for the poor souls in purgatory and for the conversion of sinners. Truly, that is the only thing that makes me feel a tiny bit better. Please, God, put this pain to good use!

It could also be a lot worse, I know. I am grateful for what I have, I really am.