Brand new outlook

I've really been blessed this week. I had barely begun my attempt at staying positive when the Holy Spirit really spoke to me.

I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll start with this - I now know some things to be true:

1) I must seek God first and foremost.

2) I must love God and praise God as much as is possible right now.

3) He gives us what we need at the right time.

4) God is never unrighteous.

5) I do not deserve anything.

It all started when I hit pretty close to rock bottom last week. It wasn't the first time, and may not be the last, but I was sick of it. I hate feeling that way and didn't want to accept that I had to. And I didn't do anything special or different this time, other than cry out to God that I desperately needed his help like I always do.

By late last week, I had begun to feel like God was calling me - challenging me, even - to be positive. Well, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. But I felt the nudge, every time I talked about infertility, every time I wrote a blog post.

Then this Sunday, we happened to go to a different Mass than normal due to some scheduling conflicts. It turned out we heard a homily that really spoke to me, and if we'd gone to our normal Mass we wouldn't have heard it.

Our priest preached all about that day's psalm - Psalm 145.

It's kind of funny, because when I heard the responsorial psalm - about God giving us our meat in due season - I scoffed. "Sure," I thought. "But what about those of us who wait and then never get our meat?"

But the homily was all about how that psalm related to unanswered prayer, in particular, St. Augustine's sermons on the topic. I almost cried! A couple days later, I found St. Augustine's writings, the very same stuff our priest referenced, online.

It. is. amazing.

I tried to read it at home to no avail. I'm usually unable to focus enough to read anything, let alone something written hundreds of years ago. So I printed it out, took it to adoration, and prayed before the Blessed Sacrament, asking the Holy Spirit to help me understand the words.

I read the actual psalm first, then the commentary.

Well, wow. Not only was I able to get past all the "thees" and "thous", but I was able to really let it sink into my heart.

First, I love, love, LOVE St. Augustine. Not that I've discovered anything new here! But, as I said before, I'm not a big reader, so I had never actually read anything he'd written before.

Second, it was as if a lightning bolt hit me as I read this. It immediately all came into focus.

I was in such rough shape. I really was. I was focused on one thing and one thing only - getting pregnant. Not being a mother. Not being a good wife, neighbor, friend. Not being a good child of God. And definitely not on praising him. I was angry at God. I thought I deserved something that he saw fit to dole out to everyone else in the world. I knew that I would make a good mother now and didn't know why God hadn't figured that out yet. He was behind. He was wrong. He was unfair. And he wasn't shaping up to be the God everyone always talked about...you know, the God of a little thing we call the Bible.

I was spinning my wheels. I was digging them in deep because I didn't want to be happy. If I let God see that I was happy, then he'd think I was okay. And I wasn't okay without a pregnancy. I was going to live my life miserable, because I knew that a pregnancy was the only way I'd find joy.

I knew. I was smarter. I had figured it all out.

I was embarrassed when I realized how wrong I was. I needed to be praising God through all of this. I'm not worthy of anything in and of myself, God gives me worth. I don't deserve a pregnancy.

I need to love God, pregnancy or no pregnancy. I need to love him now, in this place and time, so that I don't love him because of a pregnancy. My love for him should not fluctuate based on my answered prayers.

I need to seek him in truth, which means seeking him, and not his gifts. Not what he can do for me.

I realized I had been asking a question before I did anything spiritually - 'will this help me to get pregnant?'. That needed to stop. My praise of God, my prayer, saying the rosary, visiting shrines - it all needs to be because I love him, not because I think it will lead to some magical end. I wasn't seeking him in truth.

I need to seek him, without wondering if what I'm doing will suddenly convince him to bless me with a pregnancy. I need to seek him as if there will be no pregnancy, because only he knows if there will be.

I need to stay positive - not because it's a means to an end, that somehow having hope that I'll be pregnant one day will cause me to become pregnant - but because we all need to be positive as children of God. I need to hope because I love him, because I hope in him.

At Mass on Tuesday, I heard him telling me to open my heart to love more. That surprised me because I didn't know that was even one of my issues, but I immediately saw that it was.

And, since it seems to be a theme in this sermon, I need to praise him, praise him, praise him.

I will write much more on St. Augustine's sermon on Psalm 145 in the coming days. Right now I need to pack for a weekend trip with a few other bloggers (which I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about as well). But for now, I will leave you with this...a couple passages from the writing that opened my eyes to the truth (he references the line from the psalm first):

"The eyes of all hope upon Thee, and Thou givest them food in due season" (ver 15). Just as when thou refreshest a sick man in due season, when he ought to receive, then Thou givest, and what he ought to receive, that Thou givest. Sometimes then men long, and he giveth not: he who tendeth, knoweth the time to give. Wherefore say I this, brethren? Lest any one be faint, if perchance he hath not been heard, when making some righteous request of God. For when he maketh any unrighteous request, he is heard to his punishment: but when making some righteous request of God, if perchance he have not been heard, let him not be down-hearted, let him not faint, let his eyes wait for the food, which He giveth in due season. When He giveth not, He therefore giveth not, lest that which He giveth do harm. ..."Thou givest them meat in due season."

For many call upon Him, but not in truth. They seek something else from Him, but seek not Himself... Thou hast desired all these things of Him: I beseech thee desire of Him Himself also."

Oh, St. Augustine is so good! I'm excited to read more!

Thank you, Dear Lord, for giving me this insight. You once again have pulled me out of despair. I give you all the glory!

The mother load

No, I did not rob a pharmacy.

These 52 - yes, FIFTY-TWO - pregnancy tests were obtained legally. They are all mine to do with as I choose, and right now making some sort of art project out of them might be the most fruitful option.

There's some irony here, isn't there? All the tests one could ever need, but no pregnancy hormones to turn them positive.

Sorry. I'm supposed to be thinking positive! Okay, so here goes: Maybe one of these will be the miracle stick!

Anyways, back to the story of how I obtained them. So my mom is a school nurse and someone from a major retail chain store approached her with a bunch of boxes of pregnancy tests that the store could no longer sell because they'd been opened, damaged, returned, etc. (apparently opening boxes of pregnancy tests and stealing one is pretty popular. Classy. And they probably all come out positive too). She, being an elementary school nurse, couldn't use them and so the woman checked with the high school nurse who, apparently, wasn't allowed to use them. Well, it turns out my mom had made a comment to the woman about how her daughter could use them and so she returned to her office to offer them all to her. And so they're mine. For free. All 52 of them. Isn't that awesome?

Seriously, this is going to save me money. Not that I buy a lot - I've had a need to use maybe three in the past two years - but still, they're expensive. Not to mention that the money was always painful to part with. You just knew you were throwing the ten bucks away!

I've already used one at the beginning of this cycle just because I could. And just to make completely sure I could start the Tamoxifen (because my luck would be that I'd be pregnant on a fluke only to take a hazardous medication that would end it). There's also a pack of ovulation detectors so I'm going to use them starting tomorrow.

And I'm definitely going to stay away from the plus-minus ones after my last incident. They are evil! Luckily, I have a few dozen others to choose from!

Trying

I'm trying to stay positive.

And it is HARD work.

I think it's actually physically painful. And, of course, it's definitely emotionally painful. And I thought this was supposed to make you feel better?

Seriously, I feel like I am making a big enough sacrifice being infertile, why do I have to be infertile and happy about it? I am more miserable when I'm infertile and trying to be happy than when I'm just infertile.

Okay, this was supposed to be a positive post.

Instead of writing about how the sight of pregnant women makes me cry, I will instead write about how I am starting to go to daily Mass. It's going good. Ryan's going with me. I like starting our day earlier and having a schedule that we keep to. Hopefully I'll get some spiritual insight that will help me each day as I try to stay positive despite my despair. Hopefully there won't be any pregnant women there.

Instead of writing about how I know I will never conceive and that God has chosen not to bless us in that way, I will instead write about how I am trying to pretend to have this illusive thing that people call hope. So, ya. I am trying my best to have hope, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to hope for. That I'll have happiness being childless one day? I guess for now I'll hope in the Lord. Keep it general.

Instead of writing about how I am totally stressed that I'll probably be out of town during my peak days this weekend, I will instead write about how I'm trying to convince myself that all the pain and nausea the Tamoxifen caused this week won't be all for nothing. Not that I have a shot at actually getting pregnant - oh no! For women like me, taking an ovulation drug is just so your doctor can rule it out.

Positive!! Positive!! Deep breaths!!

God loves me. He is doing this for my good. My GOOD. He wants me to seek him, not a baby. I'm trying.

I'm hoping that by trying, he will help me along. As I've said before, from my own experience I've learned that God likes me to put forth an effort before he pulls me out of a bad situation (well, he's pulled me out of a bad situation before with no help from me, but that was when I came back to the Church. I think he wants more from me now). While I do think that the act of suffering is putting forth an effort in and of itself, I can admit that I am still resisting something. I'm not sure what that even means, but I know I could be doing a lot more spiritually.

So I'm trying. Maybe nothing will come of it, but surely nothing was coming of despairing either. I just hope God doesn't let me end up worse off.

Side effects

I've been dealing with a lot of nausea and headaches lately. I'm hoping it's due to the double dose of Tamoxifen I'm on (it's the last day of it, I think) and not some new, weird illness.

I'm still getting hungry and I'm still eating, but in between meals I feel like sick to my stomach. My gut is also bloated and kind of crampy.

Anyone experience side effects like that? I was fine on the 20, but the 40 is definitely affecting me. I'd be perfectly fine suffering through the sickness if I was sure that's what it was. I just get nervous I'm getting sick, like stomach bug sick.

I have more to post about, but I've got to get off of the computer. Day two of being positive went well. It was helped by a great homily this morning about unanswered prayer. Apparently St. Augustine wrote some good stuff about that topic, and I'm currently searching for it on the internet. Anyone familiar with it?

Speaking of staying positive and counting my blessings, I was blessed tonight to have dinner with three lovely ladies - GIHM, Fertile Thoughts and Lifehopes - and two of their husbands. Here is a picture with Lifehopes cropped out for privacy reasons (you'll have to go to her blog to see the picture in its entirety!):

Focused on the Lord

I'm feeling better, thankfully. And I've been thinking a lot about how I really need to just remain faithful. I have a choice to either succumb to the pain, or try to see the positive in things, no matter how difficult it is to see.

I do have blessings in my life. And I can make a conscious decision to try my best to focus on those blessings. So I'm going to try to think more about what God has done for me, and think less about what he hasn't.

I'm not saying I'm always going to have success with that, but I guess I'll never have any success if I don't try.

Plus, I really do think God understands when we're trying our best, when we're really trying hard to stay positive when it's really not easy.

So I'm going to make some changes. Wake up earlier, come up with a sort of routine to my day. Focus on the positive.

This might not change anything, but at least I'll be putting forth an effort.

I can't say that I'm not worried this won't help. How can I not be? I have tried to be positive many, many times before. This is definitely nothing new. But I have to start again, I guess. Keep plugging along. Focus on God's promises. Focus on eternity, where I imagine that one day I won't care about everyone else getting pregnant.

So I'm going to stop being angry at God. Stop blaming him and questioning him. I've done it for so long that, frankly, I am just tired of it.

I just can't imagine that the Lord would want to see me suffer like this, would want to knowingly inflict pain upon me. Would watch as I cry in agony, still refusing to fill my heart's desire, a desire I believe He gave to me in the first place.

It's a mystery.

I just can't, as a Christian, as a Catholic, believe he could do this to me. Yes, he is all-powerful, but no loving father, THE loving father, would want...want...me to endure this type of pain.

It's a mystery.

So I will try my best. Remain faithful. Focused.

And I won't stop asking.

I have to believe that God will give me peace, heal the hole infertility has left, fully open my heart to adoption. I just can't face the thought that I'll never be a mother.

I will remain faithful, and try to believe (despite how hard it is for me to even type this) that good things can happen to me.

"And she made a vow, promising: "O LORD of hosts, if you look with pity on the misery of your handmaid, if you remember me and do not forget me, if you give your handmaid a male child, I will give him to the LORD for as long as he lives. (I Samuel 1:11)

Double bind

Not a good day so far.

My cycle has taken a step backwards. I haven't had any tail-end brown bleeding since March, but I'm having it today (it's cycle day five). Great.

I also just left a third message on my doctor's office voice mail. I left my first message on Monday, then another on Tuesday, and haven't heard back from anyone all week. I'm just curious what they think my pain may have been, and if they think I need to get an ultrasound. I also need to know if they decided if I can have a trigger shot this cycle.

I'm just really having a hard time lately. Ha. Who am I kidding? I've been having a tough time for the last five years.

It's hard to put it into words (God knows I've tried), but all I can say is that every breathe I take is painful. How's that for sounding melodramatic? But it's true.

I described it to my husband today like this: Imagine a time when you've had a terrible back ache, stomach bug or migraine and you just lay there in agony praying for relief. Even though it hurts like hell, you do know that it will eventually end and that is what you cling to. When I'm sick like that, I am a huge baby and just pray for it to be over. But what if, while you were in the throes of that pain, you knew it would never go away?

The thought of that is unbearable. And so is infertility. That is what I feel like every day - that there is no end to this pain and that makes living with it that much more difficult. The line I always seem to mutter when I'm crying is "I can't do this anymore," but that is pointless because I have no choice in the matter.

It is really like torture when you think about it.

So what can I do about it? Well, lately not much. I'm lucky if I shower before 4 p.m. and make it to the grocery store by 7. I have been totally consumed by the pain and am barely able to function. At least I now know there is a medical component to why I feel this way (adrenal fatigue), but I really have a hard time believing that fixing that will make dealing with the pain of infertility any easier.

But the real question is - do I want this to get easier?

I often tell God (in not the nicest way) that if he's not going to give me a baby, then the least he can do is take away some of the pain. I've prayed to have my desire to be a mother taken away. I've prayed to have peace.

But do I really want that? NO! What I want is a pregnancy.

It's difficult to do anything to lessen my daily pain when I'm not sure I want it lessened. Well, of course, I desperately want it gone, but there is only one thing on earth that can get rid of it - a pregnancy.

So I'm trapped. I don't want to suffer like this, but I also don't want to stop suffering unless the reason I've stopped suffering is a pregnancy...BUT a pregnancy is not in my future, so I will keep suffering...But I don't know how much longer I can keep suffering because it is sucking the life out of me and I am completely crumbling under the weight of it.

And that is the double bind.

There is no solution and no relief in sight.

So I turn to the saints. Sometimes the saints intimidate me, because I know they were on a higher spiritual plain than I am. I'm just a regular old sinner, so can I really put into practice something I learn from them? Well, I realized that when they were facing similar struggles, they didn't know they were saints. They didn't know when they were in the middle of it that they would one day have people like me looking to them for guidance. And it's not like they knew they'd be famous one day and be called saints by the Church. They were just like me. It's how they reacted to that struggle that helped them rise of the level of saint.

Perhaps the saint I look to most often is St. Therese. She was very real and even a brat in her childhood. I can relate to that. So what would St. Therese do if she were me - married and suffering from infertility? Well, I have to believe that she would have decided to live her life the best she could within the confines of what she had been dealt. I have to believe she would have questioned it, she would have been hurt by it, and she would have cried out to God, but I know she would never have lost her faith. She would have moved on as best she could, recognizing the blessings she had been given. She would have lived her life as a prayer, giving all the glory to God.

But how could she do that? How can I do that? That is the mystery for me. Perhaps it comes back to me not wanting to accept my barrenness. I don't want God's peace if it means never being pregnant.

But I also can't live like this. So unless God gives me a miracle, I have two choices - either continue to live in a state of complete suffering or try to find peace with never being pregnant.

To me, both sound horrible and, for now, I'm just going to be a brat about it.

Sorting it out

I'm feeling much better today. I still have some mild pain, and my stomach feels a little off.

Still haven't heard from my doctor though. And I'm pretty stressed about the pain, wondering what it was.

Besides that, my other big stress lately is keeping track of my medications. I have several new ones and I do not have them down at all. I feel like I am juggling all of them - some have to be with food, on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning, same time each day - and I need to sit down and come up with a plan. I also am not sure what pill is what yet. After taking the same stuff for over a year I had it all straight, but I'm not sure about the new ones yet.

I've been meaning to do this for a while, so I'm going to type it all up here - what I take, when I take them, and the rules for each:

Hydrocortisone: two pills; take at 7:45 with food (I wake up to an alarm, go to the kitchen and eat something, take them, then go back to bed); I keep them in their bottle so as to not have to go looking for them among all my other pills every morning

Synthroid: take when I wake up for a second time; small, oval pill; take with water on an empty stomach

Bromocriptine: first dose, split in half, with food

Metformin: first dose, with food

DHEA: first dose, split in half

Cytomel: take in the afternoon; round pill (looks very similar to bromocriptine), doesn't say to be taken on an empty stomach but I have been (probably should google that)

Tamoxifen: two pills, bigger with an 'M' on them; try to take at same time each day

Bromocriptine: second dose, with dinner

Metformin: second dose, with dinner

DHEA: second dose, usually take with dinner

Pre-natal vitamin: usually take with dinner

See..that's not so bad! When things stress me out and I feel like I don't have a handle on them, I really just need to list them all and recognize that, on paper, it's not as bad as when it's all floating around in my head. This is a perfect example of that.

Maybe I should print that out and put it on my fridge so I don't forget. And maybe I should make a little check list for all of them. I already put them in a seven-day pill box so I don't wonder whether I've already taken one or not (which was a big problem at first), but a check list might help even more.

Hopefully I'll hear from my doctor's office today. I also have to get my blood tested for my thyroid meds today, which I should've done earlier in the week.

And I know I shouldn't be, but I'm starting to get worried that the hydrocortisone isn't working. I know, I know...I probably need a stronger dose (which he will likely give me after seeing if this helps). And I'm sure I also need to give it time. This is the last thing I need to stress out about, but I can't help it.