All You Who Hope

Cycle talk once again

2012-01-26T23:05:00.006-05:00

I hate talking about my cycles. It's all too familiar, and instantly makes me think there aren't two babies asleep in their rooms across the hall right now. I have to remember they're there or else I'll think it's 2008.

With yet another failed cycle, I'm trying to decide what to do next. I am suddenly very reminded of my infertile years, when I wouldn't have a future appointment set up with my doctor, yet no real course of action to take either. Do I call to schedule an appointment just to talk about what's next? Is it worth the two-hour drive?

I think I'm going to call and try to get some answers over the phone. I'm going to ask for a low dose (what I was on when I got pregnant) of hydrocortisone. Even though a recent saliva test didn't show adrenal fatigue (where two years ago it showed severe adrenal fatigue), I don't feel right in much the same way as before. The hc did wonders back then, and whether or not it led to me conceiving we might never know, but I'd love to try it again. My cortisol levels are okay though, so maybe my doctor will say we shouldn't mess with them.

I was also on the low GI diet back then, and had hoped I'd be pregnant again before having to re-start it. No such luck. So it looks like I'm going to get back on the wagon. No white flour, no sugar. Ugh. Those are my two main food groups at the moment. And, in case you're wondering, I wasn't as quick to get going with it again because blood tests showed that my hormones weren't as off as before and I didn't even need metformin this time around. But, in the interest of imitating the cycle when I got pregnant (and losing weight... and just being healthier in general), I might as well eat better.

Speaking of metformin, I was on that when I conceived, but I can't start that again if I don't need it.

I did start Vitamin D last month, which I was on last time.

I stopped taking progesterone altogether because I couldn't handle the headaches. And, although my doctor wasn't convinced the headaches were caused by the progesterone, I didn't have any this cycle. So I'm convinced. My progesterone has been extremely low in recent blood tests, on the supplement, so I might need it to get pregnant. If it came down to that, I'd deal with the headaches for sure, but right now it just doesn't seem like that's my miracle cure. Heck, if it was low even on the prometrium, then why deal with the headaches? Maybe I'll ask for a different kind of progesterone.

I also have had some cramping about a week after ovulation and a week before I start a new cycle. Could that be endo? In all my years with endometriosis, it never hurt then. It was always a day or two before I got my period, to possibly a day or two after.

Oh, and breastfeeding. I am not doing a ton of it at this point, probably 2-3 times a day (is that a lot by this age? I have no idea). But I see so many women conceive when breastfeeding that I wonder if that's not my reason. Although my prolactin was high before I conceived (the same hormone that's high when breastfeeding) and I took medication to lower it for years. Hmm.. maybe I should get that tested. Naturally high when not breastfeeding could mean extremely high when breastfeeding.. as in too high to conceive.

Dr. B suggested I consider no longer breastfeeding Luke if I want to conceive. He said he regretted his wife not stopping sooner because it took them a long time to conceive baby #2. But I hate the thought of stopping earlier than I had planned and then not ever getting pregnant again, and never breastfeeding again. If Luke's my last baby, I want to hang on just a little bit longer.

And that's about it. That's where I am at.

This cycle day one was harder to take than ones in the recent past. I should put that in context - I didn't cry, get depressed or even mention it to my husband. But it just made me anxious. It made me think it's never going to happen again. And I'm surprised at how upset that makes me.

I guess when I got pregnant two years ago (really?) I thought I was cured. But now I'm thinking it was a fluke. Or, probably better put, a miracle. Or, maybe a Luke fluke? Oh, please God let me have another baby so he doesn't become known as Luke the Fluke :)

As I try to actively attempt to conceive, and inevitably worry about the future, I want to not let this interfere with the here and now. I don't want to spend my kids' childhoods worried about whether I'll ever have any more. I don't want to look back on this time and wish I had just focused on them, rather than on secondary infertility. So, I'm trying. But, unfortunately, it's kind of in my nature to not focus on the present.

I am such a pessimist. All my talk about letting God be in control of growing my family is so quickly thrown out the window as soon as things start looking like they aren't going as I had planned.

And then I remember that I know people who are dealing with MUCH greater problems. No, this is not a problem.

It made me feel a little better today when I thought about possibly starting to save for a future adoption. That's a very, very long time off, though, because we haven't even come close to paying off our loans for our last one. And, once we do pay them off, we were hoping to start saving a little money to possibly get out from under our current home, some time in the distant future. But I'd stay in this house forever if it was between that and growing our family.

I know God is in control. I just have a hard time letting Him be. What is wrong with me? Like I'm pretty sure I ended a post about this same topic a few months ago, I should know more than anyone that His plan is always better than ours. I'm offering this very mild discomfort up for those still waiting.

And I'll get to wake up to two little babies crying/laughing/yelling in their rooms across the hallway tomorrow morning and all will be right with the world.

We love adoption

2012-01-23T12:39:00.000-05:00

Adoption may be born from less-than-perfect circumstances, but that's what is so awesome about our God - He makes all things new.

What an amazing opportunity.. to bring good - to bring life - from suffering, from heartache, from difficulty.

Of course it's not easy. It's probably often the hardest thing a mother will ever do. But, when it's chosen instead of abortion, it's also the most courageous thing she'll ever do.

I pray adoption will become a more viable option for mothers in crisis pregnancies.

That the tides turn and that ending the life in her womb will become the unthinkable, the option that she won't even consider.

I pray the only choice she'll make is whether to find a loving home for her child or raise him herself.

We definitely love adoption in our house. How could we not?

God bless all those who have chosen adoption. You are my heroes.

Home again

2012-01-18T22:54:00.002-05:00

We're back from our trip up north and now the great unpacking begins. Well, if you know me, it's a bit of an exaggeration to say it "begins." I'm shooting for some time next week.

We had a great trip and it flew by, as always. And because all I want to do right now is sit in my (relatively) new chair with a blanket and watch TV til Ryan gets home, this will be a quick picture post. And it's also a picture post because I'm excited about my new lens I got for Christmas while I was up there. This lens makes me want to do nothing but take pictures. My poor kids.

You'd never know he has parents who lived in the cold for 30+ years.

Clara, on the other hand.. you'd never know she was born in the South! She couldn't get enough of it. And, who's Caitlin, you ask? That's my sister's snowsuit, circa 1983.

Doesn't this snowman make my babies look big?

Clara's favorite mid-tantrum past-time of late - planking. Do your two-year-olds do this?

Cousins

And this was one year earlier :)

R got me tix to watch the Cuse, who just happens to be the #1 team in the country. And check out my new lens!!

Visiting with Clara's God-family and another friend's adorable babies

Caleigh loved herself some Luke

Caleigh served as my model one morning

How adorable is she?!

LOVING this lens. Just have to figure out how to actually use it now.

Saying goodbye. What is it about babies hugging and kissing other babies? I can never get enough of it.

Sweetness.

We stopped in NYC to see my brother-in-law. Next time we'll know that kosher delis don't allow sippy cups of milk. They did great milk-less, thankfully.

The kids loved the big city. The last time we were here, it was the day before C was born. Oh, how things have changed.

This is what I do with my free time

2012-01-10T16:39:00.004-05:00

Or, maybe I should say, this is what I do when I should be doing a load of laundry or cleaning the kitchen.

Clara loves to dance, and I like to edit video, so naturally I needed to make a music video. And she's been getting in an empire state of mind ahead of our trip to New York this weekend (okay, Upstate, but still..), and so we've been listening to this song a lot. I shot this video of one of our dance parties yesterday morning with my cell phone.

It's already been worth the couple hours I spent on it - watching it this afternoon got her out of a crying fit. I'll take it!

Thanking Our Lady

2012-01-08T23:14:00.003-05:00

Last Monday, on my birthday, we had planned a little day-trip to D.C., including a visit to the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. But after waking up with a little stomach bug that day, it didn't happen. So yesterday, we, at the very last minute, decided to head to the Basilica for Mass (which is absolutely gorgeous decorated for Christmas!), and I'm so glad we did.

Two-and-a-half years ago, in June of 2009, we stopped by the beautiful church so that could Ryan ask Our Lady to intercede on his behalf and ask God to make him a father. I had read somewhere that some couples had conceived after making similar pilgrimages, and I was willing to try anything. So we went and it was a great visit.

Since that time, I have never felt as if that was the prayer, the pilgrimage. I don't think it works that way. But I do think that all of our prayers are important. And I think it's a beautiful thing for a husband to make a special trip to ask Our Lady for that favor.

This time, we returned with our two babies, one who was a very tiny peanut in her mother's womb when that original prayer was made.

Ryan had made his request in front of the image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, which is located to the right of the altar. During the Christmas season, a beautiful nativity scene is in front of the image, and you could only see a tiny bit of her head peaking over the top.

So, more than two years later, I knelt with my babies in front of the nativity, and in front of Our Lady of Perpetual Help who was hiding in the background, and I thanked Our Lord and his mother for answering our prayers.

As we knelt, an usher came up next to us, grabbed two pieces of straw from the nativity floor, and handed them to me. I couldn't hear him well, but he said something about St. Francis, and that we would really want them. It was implied that they were for the children. I wasn't sure what that was about, but I quickly grabbed them from the kids' hands (or else they would have been long gone in seconds) and put them safely in my diaper bag.

Today, when Ryan returned home from work, he told me that when one of his co-workers heard we had visited the Basilica, she asked him if we had taken home any straw from the nativity. Apparently, legend has it (because Catholicism is great for legends, right? ;)) that if you put the hay in your wallet, you'll never want for money the whole year. You better believe that straw was in my wallet before Ryan finished the story! Ha!

During Mass, Clara was her usual feisty self, and the grand church offered a lot of space for walking her around, while still being able to listen to the priest. We walked from chapel to chapel, each one more beautiful than the next, and even Clara noticed. "So pretty!" she exclaimed, looking all around, at the larger-than-life statues, paintings, and mosaics.

And that's what she said as we entered my very favorite chapel (and possibly one of the most beautiful spaces I've ever been in), Our Lady of Guadalupe, at the exact moment of the consecration. As we walked towards the front, hand-in-hand, I felt as if I was in some way presenting her. I've always thought Our Lady of Guadalupe was special to Clara, since she is half Mexican. And to watch her look around in wonder, as the bells rang out.. it really took my breath away.

Ryan and I switched kids right before it was time for communion, and so I walked up holding Luke. After receiving the Eucharist, I was turning to head back to my seat when I felt some "activity" in Luke's diaper. I was laughing to myself, at what a fitting moment for him to do that, when I looked straight ahead and saw the Pieta. I have seen that image many, many times. I have even stood before Michelangelo's Pieta in St. Peter's on several occasions. But never before did it strike me the way it did last night, as I saw it while carrying my own baby boy in my arms. For a split second, as I saw Our Mother holding her Son, laid limply across her arms, I felt what must have been a tiny fraction of Mary's suffering. I hugged my own son tight and choked back the tears.

We let the kids walk around after Mass and Ryan followed us with a camera. I forgot that the Basilica is really a tourist attraction, and so people with cameras were everywhere.

I love these pictures. I'm usually the one taking them, so I rarely see candids of me and the kids.

Notice the straw in her hand...

The beauty of Mass at the Basilica must have rubbed off on us, because we said our first official family Rosary tonight. We hope to make it a weekly tradition.

I am so grateful I could return to the basilica with my babies. Thank you, Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Thank you, Our Lady of Guadalupe. Thank you, Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception. Thank you for your intercession. We are so blessed.

Meeting Clara

2012-01-06T22:03:00.004-05:00

Two years ago today, this is what I saw...

We woke up this sweet little beat-red baby so we could meet her.

I held her for the first time...

And then gave Ryan a turn (which was almost as good as holding her myself ;))...

And then our dear friend, this blogger, captured this photo, one of my favorites of all time...

Oh, how she has grown...

Today, on this very special day, we went to the children's museum, which has a TRAIN (that's very important to Clara)...

And then went out to lunch before daddy went to work...

It's hard to believe it's been two years. It's hard to believe she's grown so big.

It's not hard to believe how she's changed my life. Although I wasn't prepared for her to be this awesome.

I love you, Clara Therese. I'm forever thankful that I get to be your mommy.

Here's Luke, to make you smile

2012-01-05T22:38:00.007-05:00

In light of tomorrow being the two-year anniversary of when we met Clara (yay!), I was going to write a rather serious post about adoption and God turning tragedy into good (I read something that sparked some strong emotions in me). But, instead, I'm going to go in the opposite direction with something a little more lighthearted.

So..... here's Luke, hard at work on his laptop, discovering a lesson we all learn sooner or later - that computers can be frustrating. Either that, or he's filing his taxes and not getting the return he had hoped for. Or, he discovered his mother's blog and isn't happy about some personal information she shared about him.

If it's not the latter, it will be one day.

(And if you saw this on facebook, this is the extended version. Much more typing. And some more frustration :))

And pay close attention to his typing. It's as if he's fresh off a high school business class circa 1985, and is ready to take the secretarial world by storm. I think he gets it from me. I always had a pretty high wpm.

Today is joy

2012-01-03T13:34:00.007-05:00

I'm not a resolution kind of girl, but I have to admit the new year has got me thinking about what I need to improve. Mainly, I've been doing a lot of worrying about the future. Things have just been so incredibly awesome that I'm waiting for something to go wrong (that's just in my nature, I think).

I have seen a lot of suffering lately. Well, not so much as "seen" as "read about." There just seems to be so much heartbreakingly terrible stuff going on. The kind of stuff movies are made about. Yet, in it all, those involved are full of hope and trust in Our Lord. It's inspiring.

Of course, I don't take the positive from it. Instead, I just bawl my eyes out, reading blog post after blog post and news article after new article. Sometimes I cry so hard I can't see. I pray and cry, cry and pray.

Then I look at my family and how perfect everything is and it scares me.

I also spend a great deal of time worrying about losing this amazing point in time. My birthday yesterday probably didn't help with that. The years are just whizzing by and I want to stop it all and hug my babies forever.

Infertility dragged on so slowly. And now these years with babies have only just begun, yet I'm already worried about them leaving for college.

It's all so silly. Yet so normal, I'm sure.

My husband had a talk with me the other day about embracing today and living in the moment and all that good stuff. So that is what I resolve to do. Or try to do.

So... instead of worrying about the future, I will focus on a wonderful New Year's Eve weekend. It was relaxing and fun and great to be with family. It was spent with a trip to see Grandma and Grandpa's beautiful new home...

And to celebrate a belated Christmas...

Sweet cousins played...

And boys watched some football...

The whole family was in town to celebrate my father-in-law's 60 birthday...

I discovered Grandma and Grandpa's new screened-in porch has some amazing lighting...

There were a lot of smiles to capture while at a nearby playground...

And, speaking of smiles, we took a family picture with Clara smiling (self-timer, once again!). Maybe it's my overwhelming desire to capture these moment in time, but I just love family pictures...

This is what I prayed and waited for for so long. So I will focus on today - which is so joyful - and sweet baby hugs from a boy who needs his Mama and butterfly kisses that Clara just loves to give. I pray for those suffering and put my trust in the Lord.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Phillipians 4:4-7)

The confusion of trying (and possibly failing) again

2011-12-29T18:25:00.001-05:00

It's a weird thing, trying for your second pregnancy and third child, after many, many years of infertility the first go-around.

It's an amazing thing, because I find myself in the position of already having two children. Not even one, but two. If it never works again, I still have two children. Yes, I'm sure I will mourn that loss - of a big family, of another pregnancy, of experiencing all the baby things again, of not realizing at the time that Luke was the last - but the two I have fill me up with more joy than I ever thought possible. It's just not the same type of problem anymore.

It's a confusing thing, because I still want a baby, badly, and yet I know that I already have so much. How can I ask for more while so many are still waiting for one?

I didn't realize just how much that troubled me until right before Advent started, when Ryan and I discussed praying for God to grow our family during our St. Andrew Christmas novena (I prayed the same novena, with the same intention, two years ago, just before finding out about Clara). That's when it occurred to me that I had not ever once prayed for a third child. We have been actively trying to conceive since May, yet I'd never asked God for it. And when we started the novena, and I did begin praying for it, it just felt weird. Soon I was saying that intention last, because it just seemed greedy.

I'm torn because I am scared it's never going to happen again, and yet I'm so busy right now being a mother to two that I'm not heartbroken every month. Clara and Luke both wake up from their naps so incredibly needy, both literally hanging off of me, crying, wanting to be the only one I hold, that sometimes I think, it's okay that it hasn't happened yet.

But I'm still scared it's never going to happen again.

I know how broken my body used to be and how there wasn't one obvious fix, but many. I can't imagine another surgery, now. I take comfort in my OB's observation during my section that everything looked great in there.

I had hoped pregnancy had healed my infertility even further, but now I'm wondering about that. Then I remind myself it's only been six cycles and I'm still breast feeding.

Nothing appears to be wrong from the little testing we've done. I have low progesterone, but I had that this time two years ago and ended up pregnant a few months later. I wasn't really on anything when I conceived before so there's no magical cocktail of meds to try again. Honestly, the only thing missing is complete and total happiness. Yes, I am full of joy right now, but I have my stresses, my irritability, my weaknesses. When I conceived before I was living in the clouds, in the first few months of becoming a mother. Maybe I need to recreate that. I need to pray for the strength to just be completely happy, like I was then. Let everything fall off of my back. I know it's possible. It's the way I should be living anyway.

People are always telling me to stop at two kids. Of course, these are people who don't know me (which makes it so much better.. haha), and sometimes I say something, but usually I just let it go. It's just something people say, when they hear you have a boy and a girl. And while if this is it, this is our family, part of me does take comfort in that - that we have two children, our kids have a sibling, we have a boy and a girl - I also dread that we'll always appear to the world that we did stop at two. We got our "perfect" little family and called it quits.

I know that's pride. We know we're not on birth control. We know we're open to God growing our family, and that's all that matters. And, might I add, what a wonderful problem to have.

Yes, I may be getting ahead of myself, but I just don't know. It took us almost six years before, who knows how long it will take this time, especially with me turning 35 on Monday.

I hope this doesn't come across as me complaining about how hard it is to be in my shoes, because it isn't. It's just an interesting place to be, wanting to grow your family, unsure if you'll be able to, haunted by your infertile past, busy with two little ones, and still shocked that you're a mother at all.

I offer up any difficulty or sadness I may experience this time around for those still waiting. I'm embarrassed I have any sadness in the first place. My childless-self wouldn't like that at all.

Things I've been meaning to tell you (including prayer buddy reveal)

2011-12-28T16:07:00.004-05:00

* First off, I am overdue in revealing my Advent prayer buddy. I had the pleasure of praying for Karen at Hope-Pray-Trust. Karen, I said the St. Andrew Christmas novena for you, as well as the St. Ann novena. I prayed for you at Mass, I offered up things for you whenever I remembered to do so (although I'm never too good at that!), and my family prayed for you every time we said grace before our meals. I prayed for your family, both of your babies, and for your special intentions you posted about, concerning where to give birth. I hope you had a blessed Advent and that my prayers helped a bit!

* A few days before Christmas, my husband and I attended Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell's Christmas party at the Executive Mansion for the Capital Press Corp. My husband goes each year, but since I had to miss last year's party since Luke had just been born, this was my first year attending with a Republican in office (which made it all the more enjoyable). Since it's a very intimate party, we had a chance to talk with him for a little while and when he asked how our kids were doing, we ended up telling him the story of adopting Clara, including how we tried to have a baby for more than five years. Ryan even told the governor (who is Catholic) that we were faithful to Church teaching! For some reason, that made me laugh inside, that we were having this discussion with the governor, a man who could possibly be the next vice president. I'm surprised I didn't go on all about NaPro. Anyway, he was so thrilled for us and even grabbed my hands at one point and said something about being faithful to God. He thanked us profusely for telling him our story and seemed very moved by it, even mentioning it again when we said good-bye.

And, on a side-note, the governor's daughter was there as well and we somehow got into a discussion about infertility with her too! I swear I don't go around talking about this all the time, although it probably seems that way ;) Her best friend struggles with it and I suggested she tell her to check out the blogs, if she hasn't already.

* While we're on the topic of infertility, my progesterone was pretty low this cycle - 8.5. But I'm staying on 100 mg of Prometrium, since the higher dose made me feel pretty crappy (truth be told, so does the 100, but I'm sticking with it for now). Dr. B said he wasn't too concerned with the low number because my estrodial-progesterone ratio was great and that matters more. I had never heard that before. Have any of you?

* Well, the inevitable has happened. My breast-feeding weight loss/maintenance has come to an end, and I'm so very, very sad to see it go. Luke is still breast-feeding, but it must be at the point where it's not often enough to sustain the large quantities of food I've been taking in. Yes, the days of eating whatever I wanted and staying at a weight I was happy with are over. I noticed a couple weeks ago that I felt very different, size-wise, and so I got on the scale and was up a couple pounds. Then it happened - I got a muffin top. Oh man, so that's what that is. That was one thing I never had to deal with in the past. And I can say with confidence that it's not due to the holidays. I know exactly what it's due to, and it's called cheese quesadillas, grilled breakfast burritos, ice cream, pasta and more pasta. Mmmm... I love breast-feeding.

* Today is a big day. For the first time in a year, I went to the hair dresser. And, you're not going to believe this, but I got a whole INCH cut off! I'm not even going to tell you how much my little trim cost, but let's just say it'll be another year before I go again. I will say, though, that one of the benefits to not having time to blow dry or straighten or curl your hair every day is that it's incredibly healthy and you can go a whole year in between cuts. I had no split ends, despite having crazy-lady long hair. Thanks, babies!

* I finally found a way to have Clara pose for pictures - self-timer! She loves it. She calls it "beep-beep" and loves to set it and then move back and sit still while it beeps. It's nuts! I have no idea how long this will last, but I'm taking advantage of it for now (see below).

* The Big East starts tonight for #1 Syracuse, and the Nobles' are ready!!!

Notice my professionally-straightened hair ;)

Go Cuse!

Our Christmas, in pictures

2011-12-25T22:43:00.001-05:00

GIMH's wonderful in-laws generously invited us to to their Christmas Eve dinner

A little Christmas Eve music

What a great smiler!

No, we weren't letting them watch some suspenseful thriller. It was Sesame Street.

Christmas morning!

Lukie's new Cuse sweatshirt, which match his Cuse jammies.

Clara got stickers for Christmas.

Clara, bringing Baby Jesus a gift - a sticker. She said, "Here you go, Jesus."

My present to the kids. I started them a few days ago and finished very early this morning. Can you tell who they are?

They love them! I knew they would, since Clara begs me to play with breakable statues, which she hugs and kisses and calls every one "Jesus."

It was just our little family for Christmas today, so I made a big meal.

A rare shot of the four of us where everyone is sitting still.

And our Christmas card, outtake and all. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Philippians 2:14

2011-12-19T23:22:00.005-05:00

I feel like the devil is nipping at my heels these days.

I am irritable, easily stressed, and feeling kind of down. And for no apparent reason*. I'm also going through one of those phases where I am being really hard on myself, and not at all in a productive way.

I've been praying for humility, so that my faults won't cause me such grief. So that I won't focus so incredibly much on myself and what's wrong with me and on vain worries. I really need to look outside of myself more.

Great start, huh? This post is all about me!

Well, since it's already too late, here's something else about me, that really isn't about me at all. I saw a Bible chapter and verse on the back of a truck the other day on I-95 (Philippians 2:15), and when I looked it up I thought it was surely for me! (Because, after all, the entire reason that company printed that verse on its truck was for ME to see it one day..).

So that you may become blameless and pure, "children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation." Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.

At first I thought, how cool! I've been stressed that this culture is going to hell in a hand-basket and this is telling us to hold on and be an example, a shining star! Oh, but not so fast. I looked immediately before it, at verse 14, which is part of the same sentence, and saw this (emphasis my own)...

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, "children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation." Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.

Of course. THAT is what I needed to hear. I have been doing my fair share of grumbling and arguing lately. I can't seem to stop myself. It really made me realize that grumbling and arguing, speaking negatively, acting ugly, it's all a pretty serious sin. I guess I tend to brush that off as a lesser offense. Not enough to get me in the confessional right away. But no. If doing things without grumbling and arguing can make us blameless and pure in front of God, then doing things with grumbling and arguing must make us impure and with blame. Oh, that is me. I am not shining like a star at the moment. And I'm no better than the rest of the warped and crooked generation. I'm so focused on them that I haven't noticed how much I'm offending God myself.

So I really did need to read that. And while I don't think that Bible verse was referenced on that truck just for me, I do think there's a chance God had me drive by it right then for very good reason. He knows I'm definitely not opening up my Bible lately. He had to plaster it right in front of me one way or another.

There's really so much to be joyous about and thankful for, and I am. I have so many happy, amazing parts of my day that I hate when the devil creeps in and tempts me into doubt and grumbling and irritability. I've been trying (and usually failing) to be better these last few days. Hopefully I can break my bad habits.

*I'm blaming it, at least partly, on the Prometrium.

Getting ready

2011-12-14T00:30:00.003-05:00

I am a little behind these days. We don't have an Advent wreath, and at this point there is really no point in getting one. I haven't bought a single Christmas present (although I don't really have many to buy) and we only just started discussing that we really should have something under the tree for the kids (but they already have so many things in our very tiny house!).

I love Christmas, of course, but I just don't go crazy with decorating and shopping and all of that. And for many years, that was at least partly because of infertility. There was even one year (perhaps the Christmas right before we met Clara) when I even refused to get a tree. And then last year - our first post-infertility - Ryan brought a tree home for us one day, but we were pretty busy with a newborn and a one-year old to do much else.

So this year we find ourselves with two babies who love Christmas carols and one who is very much into Santa Claus (seriously, what is it with that old man? We don't push him on them by any means, but all it took was her seeing him for the first time in a video last week to fall in love. Everything from there on out was, "Santa! Santa! Saaaaaaantaaaaaa!"). So there is a lot more Christmas spirit in our home these days.

We baked some Christmas cookies, at Ryan's request. I don't normally even let Clara into the kitchen (other than to eat, I'm not that bad!), but I let her bake some cut-outs with me the other day...

Her concentration was adorable.

If you look closely at her right hand, that's her private stash of dough she'd been eating/playing with/putting on the cookie sheet. Good thing I didn't give any cookies away.

And this year, because she is now apparently old enough to know and love him, we took her and Luke to see Santa for the first time...

The only sign she was nervous - her motherly rubbing of Luke's arm.. because, she must have thought, if I'm nervous, then baby must be too :)

And, despite my annual hesitation, we got a tree. Really.. am I the only one who is pained by how much they cost? Ours was $44. Almost $50 for something we'll have for less than a month. Ugh. I know, that probably makes me a Grinch.

Despite the price, the tree is actually one of my favorite parts of the holiday. And the kids love it, so it's worth it. Here is Clara hugging an ornament...

They were very into decorating it. And, the next day, they were even more into un-decorating it. So we were forced to spoil the ambience by putting our baby-wall (or whatever you want to call it) in front of it. Maybe that makes me a lazy parent, but when they don't respond to ten-thousand No! Don't touch the tree!'s, I would rather avoid the issue altogether.

I saw an idea online for a felt tree that they can decorate themselves, so I made them one, hoping it would satisfy their need to play with ornaments...

Yes, Elmo is higher than Our Lady in this photo. I had hoped to take a picture with all the secular icons located near the bottom so you all wouldn't think I was a heathen.

To ensure you I'm not, here's a picture of baby Jesus...

And it's no surprise that they immediately had their favorite, and unfortunately it wasn't baby Jesus...

Do you see what Clara did the very first time she played with it? That's a cross ON Elmo. Or Bishop Elmo, as Ryan calls him. I obviously have a lot of catechizing still to do.

And because I have discovered that craft projects help rid me of anxiety (and, conveniently, cleaning does not), I made a Christmas wreath today with the leftover felt...

Thanks to my sister-in-laws for showing me how to make the felt roses. And thanks to Clara and Luke for napping at the same time.

So we're finally mostly caught up, but even if we weren't, the babies sure don't mind. And hopefully they won't mind when I wrap their birthday presents for them to re-open on Christmas morning. Just kidding!

Kids are the clearest mirrors

2011-12-12T22:07:00.007-05:00

It started slowly, with just a few phrases.

Oh, gosh. Is she saying what I think she's saying? Oh, wow. Where on earth does she get that from? Oh, man. Really?

Clara is my little mirror. Every phrase I say, she says. And every time I think that there's no possible way she's getting it from me - because, surely, that is just not something I say - I start to look for it and, sure enough, it's always something I say, and something I say a lot. (Especially "Oh, wow." I am trying to quit.)

Then there was the phase where she decided to "bite" her nails. She would walk around with her thumb in her mouth, not sucking it, but clearly imitating my nail-biting habit. Lovely.

I also can't forget how she yells at the dog when she barks, while wagging her little finger at her. She used to do that before she could even speak a word, just imitating my tone, something Luke is even doing now too.

And my personal favorite - when singing, she does a dramatic head shake as she holds the final note. I don't think I do this, but I must. And I can only hope it's when I'm joking around.

It's amazing how kids can show you yourself in ways you've never seen before. It's one part of parenting I didn't expect, but it's great for cutting back on those annoying things you say and do.

Sometimes, though, the insight is a little harsher.

So, I have been known to raise my voice around the house at times. I am trying very, very hard not to do this in front of the babies, but it's a work-in-progress.

And, when I happen to be yelling, Clara immediately breaks into "Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!"

I know. It's heartbreaking. Don't worry, it doesn't happen often, although one time is one time too many.

The other day, though, I was talking to my husband about medications and not feeling so hot when Clara, sitting in her high chair, broke into her familiar "Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!"

I was stunned, because I wasn't mad or arguing or yelling. "Mama's okay, Clara! It's okay!" I told her, knowing that she was, for some reason, trying to calm me down.

It happened again later that day in the car. I was telling my husband about something I saw on facebook when Clara, from the back seat, started yelling, "Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!"

Oh, dear. I knew what was up.

"Do I sound like I'm yelling when I talk?" I asked Ryan.

"Well," he tread lightly. "You have been known to be mistaken for sounding angry when you say you aren't."

Oh my goodness, he was right. It's been at the root of many a fight between the two of us. On numerous occasions I have found myself trying to explain that I wasn't mad, or didn't mean something the way he took it. It was now all starting to make sense.

And, while I'm sure it's something that he's tried to bring up with me for years, when it comes from a child, there's no arguing with it. What better messenger can you have? She is pure and innocent, with no ulterior motives, and didn't even really know what she was doing. Her efforts to calm me down, when I wasn't even upset, spoke volumes.

I asked Ryan to explain to me what I sound like, and I asked him what he thought I could do to change. Seriously, it's weird when you think you talk like everyone else but apparently you don't. It's hard to know what to do differently!

He said it tends to happen when the topic is slightly negative, and suggested slowing down, talking a little quieter and a little sweeter. He even said to channel Mrs. Duggar!

I'm working on it. The last thing I want to do is have my daughter think her mother is mad all the time. It's one thing when she's old enough and I can just explain that I'm just passionate and animated, but right now the only thing that I can do is change. And change is probably a really good thing, anyway.

I'm sure this is only the start of my kids revealing my flaws, be it annoying sayings, mannerisms, or something much bigger. They've already made me a better person and this is just a continuation of that. And here I thought it was my job to get them into Heaven.

Anxiety and other hormonal issues

2011-12-06T23:12:00.007-05:00

You know you've been blogging a while when you google a question about your cycle and the very first result is a fellow blogger's post about this topic from 2009 and you are the first commenter. I actually answered my own question, which I had long-ago forgotten the answer to. I gave myself medical advice online, from the past.

Anyways, the topic I was searching about was tail-end brown bleeding. I have it. And I hadn't had it in years. A blood test from September showed my progesterone was pretty low, but I've been on 100 mg prometrium since then, going up to 200 mg this month. But I didn't take it as early as I was supposed to because I wasn't charting. I thought I could just keep track in my head. I know, that's silly.

Let me back up. I went to my doctor, Dr. B, in September, at which time he tested my progesterone (it was low) and estradial (it was normal), along with my thyroid (it was normal, on my meds). I took home a saliva test kit for my adrenals, and completely expected them to be low. Turned out they're normal. Go figure! I was really counting on them being super low like two years ago because I partly credit the hydrocortisol with me conceiving. Not to mention feeling great. And the alternative, if my adrenals were normal, was that I needed to eat more protein and less carbs to curb my extreme afternoon fatigue. Ugh. I'd MUCH rather just take a pill.

I found out these results at a follow-up appointment with Dr. B a few days before Thanksgiving, at which time he also took a picture with my babies:

Clara is hard at work on the iPad... the only way I got through this appointment

I also mentioned to Dr. B that I was having anxiety. At that point it seemed to be only during the second two weeks of my cycle and so he increased the prometrium to help with that. I was to take 200 mg that cycle, 300 next cycle and 400 the next. That is, unless a lower dose did the trick.

So I started on the 200 and it seemed to be working. The anxiety was better, and I even had an instance where I spotted one single time and was totally and utterly convinced it was implantation bleeding. Seriously, will I never learn? I honestly think implantation bleeding is a huge myth, and in fact my husband's immediate response when I giddily told him that I was convinced an embryo was implanting as we spoke was, "Isn't implantation bleeding a myth?" Yes. Yes it is.

This time, when I eventually started a new cycle a couple days later, the anxiety returned. Along with some tail-end brown bleeding. I think I'm on day seven and have had the spotting (if you can even call it that) for about three days now. According to the comments from that post I found from two years ago, that is a sign of low progesterone from your previous cycle. So, that would mean, my progesterone was low even on 200 mg of prometrium. It helped my anxiety but not my hormones.

And now I'm left wondering why the anxiety is back, this time pre-ovulation. It seemed a lot neater and tidier when it was only during the two-week wait. Isn't progesterone supposed to be low now? Could there be other hormonal reasons for my anxiety?

In the meantime, to combat this uncontrollable worry, I'm trying to focus on those in need instead of myself, and there a lot of people in need. But I think that sometimes only increases my craziness.

Prayer Buddy, can you please say a prayer that this anxiety goes away? I'm driving everyone close to me nuts.

And any advice on low progesterone would be great, if anyone has any. Dr. B actually had mentioned injections, like I had during pregnancy, but I thought that seemed a bit extreme. Is it? Should I just continue with the plan to increase the prometrium by 100 mg each cycle until I (hopefully) find that it's working? Oh, and he also wrote me a prescription for prozac. He said he has seen it help women who are having anxiety due to hormonal imbalances. He said to hold on to the script and only fill it if the 400 mg of prometrium doesn't do the trick (which, at this rate, will be in February). I'm not a big fan of those types of medications (for me, personally), but he said it's much more closely tailored than when used for psychiatric purposes (and it's a tiny dose). I just really hoping I don't have to get to that point.

The babies go bananas

2011-12-05T15:22:00.003-05:00

It's been a long birthday week. I've eaten one too many cupcakes for breakfast.

Saturday was the big (not really that big) double birthday bash for Clara and Luke. It went great (at least we thought so!) and both babies seemed to really have fun.

But why didn't anyone tell me that parties aren't really fun for the hostess? I was stressed! It wasn't too bad, but I will say that next time we'll order food. It's just hard to time everything exactly right and not spend the entire party at the stove.

Other than that, we had a great time and I hope everyone else did too.

It was a banana theme, simply because one day as I was trying to decide to what do, I asked Clara what she wanted the theme to be. Her immediate response was, "Nana," which either meant she wanted a party centered around her maternal grandmother, or bananas. I could have been way off base.

And, let's be honest, it was breakfast-time and she was just hungry, but since bananas are one of her absolute favorite things, we went with bananas. And I threw in monkeys for good measure.

First, the invitations...

Chocolate cupcakes (made with devil's food cake mix, sour cream, chocolate pudding and chocolate chips.. a little piece of heaven!)...

Monkey cake (banana cake with chocolate buttercream frosting)...

Birthday banners, one for Luke...

And another for Clara (they each match their bedrooms, where they'll soon take up permanent residence)...

The banners also match their birthday shirts...

And let's not forget the birthday tutu...

That thing held up surprisingly well! It even survived a lot of running and playing outside.

Party favors...

...which served a dual purpose in the banana toss game...

Recognize either of these little monkeys?...

Messy babies...

Lucy, hard at work in the kitchen...

Getting some work done during the party...

Clara, opening a present from Grandma and Grandpa...

Lukie, having fun with one of his buddies...

We were so happy and so blessed to be able to celebrate our two babies with our family (who made the trip up from NC!) and friends.

I'm still decompressing over here. Although now that birthday week is over, it's time bring on the Christmas season! There just won't be any projects. I'll be relaxing during naps for a while.

Two years ago

2011-12-01T22:48:00.015-05:00

Two years ago tonight was like any other night for me back then. Painful, and worse yet, uneventful. I was on the verge of losing all hope.

The day before, a Monday, we had been visiting my brother-in-law in New York City. We had spent Thanksgiving with my parents and had stopped to see him for a couple days on our way through.

We headed back to Richmond that cold evening in the dark and our future seemed just as dim. We had been trying to have a baby for more than five years and I was convinced it was never going to happen. We were hoping and praying to adopt, but our agency's waiting list was at a stand still. And with how terribly painful each day had become at that point - each day I wasn't living out my vocation as a mother - telling me that we'd maybe be picked to parent a baby in a year or two might as well have been forever.

Little did we know how drastically our lives would change course early that next morning.

Hours after we returned home (and had eaten take-out Chinese food in which my fortune read "It's always darkest before the dawn"), in the early morning hours of December 1, 2009, a little baby girl was delivered while we slept, many miles away at a hospital in Louisiana. She was a surprise at only 30 weeks into her birthmother's pregnancy and her arrival - which took, by the account in her hospital paperwork, just a few minutes - was as quick as she was small. She weighed in at just three pounds, two ounces.

She would spend the next four weeks, exactly, in the NICU, where, I can imagine, she must have surpassed all expectations. She was released six weeks before her due date (weighing more than her birth weight) and she was breathing and eating and nestling her way into the hearts of the nurses right from the start.

I know this because I have exchanged emails with an angel of a nurse. I won't give her name, but I will say it's a three-letter word that I hoped and prayed for, and what my daughter finally truly brought me. I love her name.

That nurse with the most perfect name - who was hoping and praying to be blessed with a baby herself - saw something in that tiny baby who didn't have anyone keeping vigil at her bedside, what I'm sure was in stark contrast to all other NICU babies that Christmas season. She looked forward to coming to work every day to nurse that sweet baby back to health, even singing to her and giving her a name that only she called her.

If I had to pick someone to take my place before I could be there, I'd want it to be someone who knew that longing that only we know. Someone who had so much love to give. I don't think it was a coincidence.

That December I begged God, like I always did, to grow our family. But this time I sat and prayed every single day in a rocking chair in our office - with its bright red walls defiantly saying "I am not a nursery" - precisely because it would be our nursery. I wanted to maintain some ounce of hope. I wanted to pray my baby into existence in the room that he or she would sleep in.

I had no idea she was already in existence. My prayers had already been answered, I was already a mother, and I believe my constant prayers that Advent were ushered right to her. I couldn't be at her bedside, but the spot where I rocked and prayed every day would eventually become her bedside. I don't believe that was a coincidence either.

We met her when she was five weeks old, weighing just under five pounds. She was a miracle, not only because she was completely and totally healthy despite being born ten weeks early, but because she had somehow, against all odds, found her way to us, a couple in Virginia who had lost almost all hope.

That Tuesday, two years ago today, seemed uneventful to us. As we went about our day, we had no idea that our daughter, the person who would change us forever, was breathing her first breaths.

It turns out that day was the farthest thing from uneventful. It was a life-altering, earth-shattering day, despite what we saw with our own eyes.

It was our sweet Clara Therese's birthday.

It was the day I became a mother, even though I had absolutely no idea. God was working a miracle as I sat and cried to Him. He was bringing into existence a special soul and Our Lady was nursing her to health, with the help of a dear NICU nurse who loved her in my place.

That Advent we watched and waited for Our Lord, and for a family, like we had done five Advents before. And despite the darkness that had set in, out Christmas was right around the corner.

Words can not express how much we love you, Clara, and how much joy you have brought to our lives. Happy two years, baby girl.

Clara's kitchen

2011-11-30T16:22:00.007-05:00

We've been a little busy lately, but it was well worth it...

Clara got her early birthday present - a play kitchen! She's actually known about it for months. She was calling it her "kitchen" since it was an old wood entertainment center.

And here's what it looked like as that old entertainment center, when we got it for free - FREE! - off of Craigslist. And, of course, here's the "after" too...

A lot of work was put into it and I have my wonderful, patient, amazing, kind, generous husband to thank for that.

Oh, that picture brings back memories of when we were young and naive and didn't realize what we were in for.

Just kidding, but it was a ton of work. Did I already mention that??

None of that mattered, though, when we showed her the finished project. There was lots of woooooow's and oooooooh's.

And she plays with it constantly, just like I hoped.

She loves cooking with the food and pots and pans that her Nana and Boppy got her for her birthday...

And she'll get even more play food tomorrow on her birthday. So fun!

So here are some of the details...

I got the idea from other play kitchens I saw online, and set out to do one myself. You really can't follow any sort of pattern, though, because every entertainment center (or end table, cabinet, or whatever old piece of furniture you use) is different. So we winged it. And, I should add, neither of us are particularly skilled in this department. The painting I can handle, but the construction? Not so much. But we plowed through.

First we sanded down the veneer, and primed. Then we did about a million other steps.

I debated getting a real faucet (you can get small ones made for campers or bars), but in the end we decided to go a little more whimsical. I found a $0.30 letter "U" on clearance and we cut it to be the perfect faucet. The base is a $0.50 piece of craft wood and we painted both that and the faucet with silver paint. The handles are drawer pulls, which cost about $4 each...

The sink is a mixing bowl we already had. We just cut a hole for it to sit in.

The burners are just craft wood, which I painted. And the knobs are more drawer pulls...

The oven opens out and there's an LED light inside. The oven rack is actually one of those things you put in your sink, held on with hooks. I tried cooling racks but couldn't find the right size.

I painted a window on a $0.50 piece of wood and made little curtains. The hooks are a key rack (and the adorable pig whisk and spatula are actually real utensils, although I'm not sure who needs ones that small!).

We had to make a door for the fridge (and the oven), which was one of the most complicated parts of the project...

You never know what you'll find in the fridge...

We really don't have any idea what the total cost was, but suffice it to say it was way cheaper than if we had bought one. And if we had bought it, we wouldn't have been able to take advantage of all that problem-solving we had to work through as a couple... and our kids wouldn't have had to fend for themselves all those weekend days... and our deck wouldn't be covered in paint. Haha.. no, really. There is no price we could put on watching Clara and Luke play with this kitchen. Worth every second.

Happy early second birthday, sweet Clara. And don't expect a big homemade tool bench or anything next year, Lukie. Mommy and Daddy are tapped out.

A very happy birthday... so why am I crying?

2011-11-27T00:22:00.000-05:00

It started yesterday at the grocery store. I was perfectly fine until I reached the wrapping paper. That's when I lost it.

Shocked at my sudden emotion, I had to laugh. But that was just the beginning.

I got choked up when Ryan told our waitress today at lunch that it was Lukie's birthday. And then again several times in the confines of our own home.

What's wrong with me? I'm hoping you'll all tell me I'm perfectly normal.

The weirdest part is I'm not sad. Well, maybe on some deep level I'm sad that he's inching away from baby-hood (I'm not ready to admit he's not still a baby). But I also think I'm crying because I'm happy.

I'm happy that he's here and happy and healthy. It's not lost on me how incredibly blessed we are to have two healthy babies sleeping under our roof tonight.

I'm also probably emotional because time is moving way too fast. It seems like just yesterday I was giving birth to him. Those memories are so fresh that it just doesn't seem possible it's been a whole year.

More than anything, though, I think I'm crying because it's an important milestone and there are a lot of emotions that got us to this point.

I also should probably admit it has a something to do with it being the first of many times that I'll be reminded he's growing up and will one day leave me. Actually, it's the second time that made me cry. The first was when he transitioned from our bed to his crib. Oh, our little independent boy.

Anyway, it's not about me, it's about Luke's big day. So I'll try to hold it together to post some birthday pics of our ONE year old.

It was a beautiful, 70-degree day for Luke's birthday...

Between two children taking a total of three naps, lunch out and then evening Mass, we didn't get to presents until about 7:30. Here Luke's saying, "FINALLY! Let's get this party started!"

Clara showing her baby brother the ropes...

I can't tell you how excited he was about this tool belt. It's as if he was saying, "It's about TIME! What does it take to get some boy toys around here???"

I was stunned to discover that all the presents I picked out were a HUGE hit - with both kids! They are so into them!

Okay, maybe it was because they were majorly hopped up on sugar.

And his big boy present from Nana and Boppy...

Tool belt? Check. ATV? Check. Okay, now I'm ready to be a one-year-old.

The adoption option

2011-11-16T12:34:00.002-05:00

I realized when I read over my last post that I left something out. In all this talk about wanting Baby #3 and getting pregnant, I didn't discuss why pregnancy was the obvious option for us, rather than adoption.

As a mother through adoption and my own womb, I can say that both are equal in my eyes. I would hate for it to come off as me thinking that we adopted because we "had" to, and now that we conceived once, that is obviously the preferred method of adding to our family in the future. That just isn't the case.

So why do I talk merely about conceiving again?

Well, first and foremost, the cost. We still owe some money to those who helped finance our first adoption (which became more than three times the cost of what we had planned for through our agency). We had hoped to finish paying it off when we receive our adoption tax credit - which, if it came, would likely arrive a year from now - but I am growing increasingly doubtful that we will ever see a cent (it's complicated, but because of the short turn-around, family members gave us money orders to pay with, instead of the money entering our account first. I'm nervous that will disqualify us). We'll be fine; we'll pay the remaining debt back with our regular tax return next Spring. But the adoption tax credit would have left us with additional funds to put towards a future adoption.

If we didn't have Luke, I'd probably be in a state of emotional turmoil right now. I'd surely have done the math a thousand times. Clara would be turning two and the earliest we could get back on the waiting list would be next fall (that is assuming we miraculously received the tax credit). Then the wait would be at least a year, if not two or more. That means Clara might be five before we welcomed a new baby. I know, not the worst thing in the world by any means, but I'm sure I wouldn't be handling it well. Yes, it would be easier since we already had one child, but we'd be getting up there in age and that would make me very anxious.

And that's if we received the tax credit. If we didn't, who knows when we'd be able to afford another adoption.

I have a really hard time when money keeps people from adopting; it just seems so unfair. I've seen other bloggers go through it and it's just heartbreaking. So I am thankful to God every single day that I conceived and don't have to deal with the theoretical alternative life I would be living right now if I hadn't.

So, with that in mind, getting pregnant is our best option. Even with pregnancy and delivery costs, it doesn't compare.

On a side note, though, a friend and I were talking about adoption the other day and she mentioned how someone said adoption was the easiest pregnancy she'd ever had. Well, as someone who has gone through both, I can say they were equally as tough for me. One caused me physical pain, the other emotional. I might even say that my pregnancy, even with excruciating back pain, was easier.

The labor, though, well that might be another story. It's not that my labor was so bad, it's just that the hours and minutes leading up to Clara were pure bliss. Instead of being strapped in a hospital bed, I was crying happy tears as we rounded corners in a Louisiana neighborhood. I will never forget it.

And that's how it should be, because the adoption wait sure isn't easy.

So while pregnancy and adoption are equal in my mind, they are very different. We may have luck conceiving again and we may not. No matter what, though, I hope and pray we can adopt again because, after all, why wouldn't I want to do something again that turned out so well the first time?

Trusting again

2011-11-15T16:45:00.009-05:00

I want another baby.

Every time I hear of someone in labor, or see photos of the new little one (which seems to be a lot lately), I get so excited and long to be there again myself. I crave being in the hospital bed, post-delivery, new baby sleeping in my arms, family all around, food brought on trays.

Okay, you might think that last one is kind of crazy, but for whatever reason I absolutely loved being in the hospital after having Luke. Yes, there were tough times, like the two days of relentless itching that I thought was going to drive me to insanity (I woke up one day with deep scratches up and down my arms and thought I had been attacked). And those oh-so-lovely and private (sarcasm, of course) showers that the nurse would give me, me standing there completely nude while we both tried desperately to keep my huge incision, that was only kept closed with a bunch of big staples, dry. Or the time I thought the front of my pants had gotten wet from standing at the sink only to discover my incision was gushing blood.

None of that deters my longing, though, to be in that hospital room, with a newly named baby, getting to know his or her beautiful, puffy face. I want to be back there so bad.

But, at the same time, I am okay with where I am. It's so completely different from the years of waiting. I want it, but I'm okay with not having it right now. I can't say I don't feel some disappointment every month, but the let-down is in a different stratosphere than before. I'm trying to get used to that. It's like the muscle-memory of my brain wants to be upset every time a new cycle starts. It doesn't know any different.

The desire is definitely there, though. I'd love to be pregnant again soon... or, better yet, now.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my endocrinologist. She tried to gently talk me out of trying again so soon. "Enjoy Luke while he's a baby." "He's only young once!" I didn't show how offended that made me. Does she think I didn't enjoy Clara? She was much younger when I found out I was pregnant with Luke. Does she think I am just so baby-crazy that I just want to pop them out and move on to the next one? Luke turns one next week, for goodness sake. He'd be nearly two if I became pregnant tomorrow.

I just smiled and tried to explain to her that because of my history with infertility, I don't know how long it will take me to conceive the next child. That I'd like to be proactive and find out if anything is wrong again and deal with it head on.

What I didn't say was that I want a big family. That I want lots of siblings for Clara and Luke. That, in my opinion, Luke coming along was the best thing that could have happened to Clara. That I love each and every baby with all of my heart and I want more of them because of the unique miracle that each one is. That I don't believe in contraception and I don't have a good reason to avoid. Or, how about that I don't want to avoid?

But, as I left her office, I decided to take some insight from what she said, if not what she meant.

Her "slow down" message is a good one, but only because it seems to be exactly what God is trying to tell me at the moment. My doctor might have been telling me to choose to wait, but God is telling me to choose to trust.

Slow down, don't worry about the future, enjoy the two you have, trust in My plan. So that's what I'm going to do (and finding out that the clock hasn't started ticking on secondary infertility because I am breast-feeding helps a lot).

I'll probably still day-dream of kissing my new baby's head for the very first time, and of getting waited on hand and foot by the amazing nurses in the post-partum unit, but I'll also try to remember how bad I itched, just for good measure. I'll also remember, as I do each and every day, how incredibly blessed I already am, and how I have more now than I thought I'd ever have in my lifetime. And I'll remember how there are so many still waiting, the least I can do is offer up my much-easier wait for them.

It might have taken my secular doctor to get the message through to me in a round-about way, but I'm choosing to trust that God's plan for my family is best. It actually sounds rather silly of me to proclaim that, after all that has happened. It's like declaring your belief in God after seeing Him with your own eyes.

So this time I have no excuses. And I'm actually looking forward to it. Giving it all to Him means I can slow down, relax, and let Him work. What a wonderfully freeing feeling.

Birthday preps

2011-11-13T21:23:00.002-05:00

As I mentioned before, I am knee-deep in preparations for our fast-approaching dual birthday celebration. I honestly have no idea where the burst of energy is coming from, but I'm not asking questions. Granted, some things have fallen by the wayside while I jump from one project to the next, like the four laundry baskets of clean laundry that my dear sweet husband is folding as I type this (although, let's be honest, I always put off folding the laundry. I have already decided for Lent this year I'm going to fold every article of clothing as soon as it comes out of the dryer. That's penance!)

Before you get the impression I'm putting on some big elaborate party, I should reassure you that's not the case. I'm just working on a couple little homemade details - things I wanted to buy but instead decided to make in an effort to save money - that require gluing and/or sewing. And it's just that anything at all is a big production for me.

Most of my projects are works in progress, but I completed one tonight. Here it is, modeled by its new owner:

I was happy with it, except it was a bit revealing. She's wearing monogrammed bloomers in the photo, which are cute, but they still looked too much like underwear for a soon-to-be two-year-old. So tonight I hemmed a pair of pink velour pants to be little shorts and they work perfectly underneath. And, in case you're interested, it cost me about $7 to make, although I think I could've found the tulle for cheaper if I had tried.

Clara loves it, although I think she loves the word even more, excitedly proclaiming "Tutu! Tutu!" to anyone who will listen. And, like any true girl, she knows this big frilly thing around her waist is somehow pretty and special.

Now it's hanging in her closet, not to be touched until their party. If their Halloween costumes were any indication, things I make don't last too long in the hands of babies.

It was them

2011-11-10T16:50:00.000-05:00

Last night as I tried to fall asleep, my thoughts drifted, as they often do, to my babies. I thought about how they are my world and how, at the risk of sounding completely cliche, I had no idea I was capable of loving this much. And how I had no idea two little people could make me this insanely happy. I am just madly, madly in love with them both.

And then it hit me. For the first time in almost two years, since I was plucked from my despair and sadness, I thought about something I used to think about a lot in the more than five years I suffered through infertility: During those difficult years, I often said I missed the babies I couldn't yet have. I grieved for them. I longed to be with them. It wasn't just an abstract idea of wanting to be a mother. My heart actually ached for my babies.

And now they're here. And that ache has been replaced by all the love a heart can possibly hold.

It was them all along. I don't know if it's theologically correct, or what is actually plausible, but I feel like I knew them even before they were here. Most people probably don't have a lot of time to think about that; when they decide they want to be parents, it happens. But I had five long years to dwell on what, or rather who, was missing. And I thought about it a lot. I didn't know exactly who they were, what gender, or how many, but I knew my heart cried out for them.

For whatever reason, I hadn't given it a thought since first finding out about Clara. My world changed in an instant and I didn't look back all that much. But last night it was just so amazing to remember those feelings and realize it's them. It was always them.

And maybe there will be more. Maybe there won't. But at least I no longer grieve what I don't yet have. By the grace of God, my heart has gone from broken to overflowing because they're here.

A little crazy lately

2011-11-09T23:34:00.000-05:00

I've been uncharacteristically busy lately.

Add a few sicknesses and medications to the already long list of things to get done, and I really start to lose my footing. Everyone in the house is on something, two times a day, one of us on two things... I'm just doing my best to remember all the doses.

I have also been very hard at work on two upcoming birthdays. Let's just say there have been more than a couple craft projects underway at one time around here. I'm making up for Clara's lack of a first birthday and we're celebrating both Luke and Clara's birthdays together this year.

Unlike my normal self, I so far haven't totally screwed anything up and had to start over. In the past, I have know not to do any work at night unless I want to re-do it the next day. But lately things have just been going really smoothly.

Since I have no idea when this burst of creative energy will come to an end (and I'm assuming it will leave as rapidly as it came), I am getting everything done as quickly as possible. When it's over, it's usually over for a long time. Their birthdays are just a couple weeks away (ahhh!) so hopefully this current streak will last until then.

That being said, I don't have actual physical energy, it's really just creative. Yes, it takes physical energy to actually carry out the projects that I dream up, but I have had to really push myself. I'm still pretty fatigued.

I've always been very hot and cold with my creativity (well, I've always hated to call it creativity since I don't usually come up with ideas, I just copy), but I'm wondering if this is somehow hormone related, or adrenal related, or thyroid related, because, after all, isn't everything?

I'm also experiencing a lovely little phenomenon that is likely also related to hormones - I'm having trouble controlling my emotions. Or, rather, just one emotion - crying tears of happiness.

Just a sampling of what I've cried over in the last few days - a song on the Sing Off (I was bawling, BAWLING, my eyes out), Parenthood (again, crying very, very hard), and those darn Fisher Price commercials. Have you seen those? The ones that are shot with a warm filter, that focus on the happy parents and kids bonding (instead of the toy) and are clearly marketed to moms and dads instead of the children for once? Yes, I am their target audience. I get choked up and want to buy every toy.

I also find that I cry at the kids' books a lot. Corduroy is one that gets me every time. "I've always wanted a friend!" Ahhh! Clara usually catches my voice cracking and gives me a sideway glance as I try to quickly recover.

Don't worry, Clara. Your mama is just a little crazy!

Speaking of hormones, I have a post swirling in my head about my lack of conceiving again so far. I'm in a weird place with it, because I really want to be pregnant, but I'm okay that I'm not. I guess I'm just so used to not being okay with not being pregnant, that this is all new to me.

The only worry I have is one of labeling. I read somewhere that the definition of secondary infertility is not conceiving after six months of trying if you're 35 or older (just a couple months away from turning 35, I guess I'm just throwing myself into that category prematurely). I am hyper-concerned with being labeled as someone with secondary infertility, like I just want to get it over with and call it that already, instead of postponing the inevitable. Does that make sense?

But then I go back to one question - is it considered six months of trying if you are still breastfeeding? Yes, I've been cycling normally (or what I assume is normal) since early this year, but I am still breastfeeding six or more times a day. Any thoughts on that?

Sorry this post is all over the place, but that's kind of exactly where I am lately!

What's been going on here...

2011-10-31T15:51:00.002-04:00

I let Luke cry last night. And, I should point out, we live in a pretty small house, so we might as well be in the same room as him. It wasn't easy.

He eventually fell asleep, woke up and nursed around 3 a.m., and then slept the rest of the night (morning) in his crib.

It's funny how different our perspectives are. Ryan woke up this morning thinking it was a victory, ready to take on Night #2, while I awoke feeling down about how long he cried and the 3 a.m. acrobatic nursing session.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do tonight. Thank you all so much for your advice. I'm taking each and every comment to heart and figuring out our next move. I am keeping him to two shorter naps today, so we'll see how that goes.

**********

I haven't talked a lot about Clara in a while, and since so much has changed I think she needs an update.

Let's just say that sometimes I wonder who the little girl is in my house. And I'm not just saying that.

The first 22 months of her life she didn't talk. That was the Clara I knew. Then, all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, here's this person who talks and knows everything we're saying to her, that I'm just like, "who are you?"

And she looks different too. It's not that she's physically all that much bigger - that is still progressing gradually for now. It's that she is just such a little girl. The look in her eyes. The looks she gives us. Her face when she talks to us. I hardly recognize my little baby!

Has that happened to any of you moms?

I think it's because it literally happened over night. A few weeks ago she went to bed saying words and woke up speaking in sentences. Ryan and I spend our days retelling stories of what she has said to us. I love it.

Now, she's not speaking fluently, by any means. She still grunts for things and I have no idea what she wants. But it's amazing how much easier life becomes when you can communicate even a little better with your baby. I've always looked forward to the age when they say funny things and make hysterically smart observations, and I don't think that's too far off.

**********

I did something really stupid today.

I've been meaning to do my saliva test for my adrenals for more than a month now. I keep putting it off because there's a list of foods you can't eat the day you do it and apparently I eat them a lot.

So I gear myself all up to do it today. I'm already so overdue. I set my alarm, get up, complain the whole time about how hard the test is (you have to rinse your mouth with cold water for 30 seconds 3-5 minutes prior to each testing time, which is apparently more than I can handle), and finally, amazingly, do the first one. Victory! The test is underway.

Then I drank some hot chocolate.

Unfortunately, chocolate is one of the foods you can't eat the day you test. Ugh. Luckily, my doctor said I can save this morning's first saliva-soaked cotton thingy and do the rest tomorrow. Now I just have to remember not to eat anything I'm not supposed to.

**********

I got the new iPhone. My old one has been on its last leg since August. The worst part was it had lost the ability to take pictures or video, which is a must for me. So now I can once again, which means I might be posting more videos of the kids. I know... you were just thinking, if only I had more videos of K's kids!

I can also now voice-record texts, emails or basically anything I would normally type. I love that, because I absolutely hate typing on phones. It also has the new "personal assistant" Siri, although I already feel like I am annoying her. Then I remind myself she's not real.

This also means that my old phone now becomes Clara's iPod Touch. Although we learned pretty quickly that Lukie wants some stake in it too.

Clara knows exactly how to navigate everything and loves using her favorite apps and listening to her favorite songs of the moment. And while a lot of it is really just for fun, she is learning about things like numbers and letters.

It's sort of an early birthday present, because I could have traded it in for some cash!

**********

And since it's Halloween, I have to share a couple pictures of my sweet babies in their costumes...

There are more pictures - including one of me in costume as well - over at my other blog, ourlifewithclara.blogspot.com. See if you can guess who I am!

Still in need of sleep advice

2011-10-29T22:35:00.004-04:00

So we once again have a little predicament with sweet little Luke's sleeping habits.

First, let me say that he is napping beautifully. He takes a morning nap and an afternoon nap, and goes down awake and either falls asleep immediately (or plays, all I know is he's quiet!), or whines a little and eventually falls asleep. And he stays asleep two to three hours each time. It's wonderful!

The problem, though, is that he's having a very, very tough time at night. Which makes me feel like I am on the clock every waking hour. This has been going on for a couple months now, and I'm starting to feel the effects of it.

So here's the deal...

I put him down around 8 p.m. (although it's becoming more like 8:30 or 9 simply because I fear putting him down and listening to him scream) and he does one of three things. One option is he screams and cries immediately, and keeps screaming for as long as I'll let him go. The second option is he falls asleep immediately and wakes up exactly 45 minutes later, at which time he screams for as long as I'll let him go. The third option is he'll play happily in his crib for anywhere from 5-45 minutes, and then screams as long as I'll let him go.

That's when I get him up, nurse him, and usually play with him. I know, that might be where my trouble lies, but he's just wide awake. And he's always on his game at night. Between 9-11 is when he stood for the first time, and also when he took his first steps.

So my night usually includes me trying to put him down at least one more time before my husband gets home at 11:30. And, usually, he cries so incredibly hard that I don't let him go very long at all. Eventually, though, I put him down (the second or third try) and he does fall sleep. That typically happens anywhere between 9:30 and 11:30.

He then normally sleeps through the remainder of the night in his crib, and wakes up anywhere between 5-8 a.m. If it's early, we bring him into bed and I nurse him while we both fall back asleep. He then sleeps with me until Clara wakes up and we all get up, which is usually between 8 and 9.

Any thoughts on why he's such a great napper and yet has trouble in the early nighttime hours? I have wondered if it's the darkness, but haven't yet tried a nightlight. I have tried leaving his door slightly open with the hall light on, but that doesn't seem to help.

We were very successful in letting him cry himself to sleep for a week when he was six months old, but I just don't feel right about it now. He's so much more aware and he's standing up the whole time, which I think makes him even more riled up.

But why does he eventually fall asleep, after the second or third try? What changes between 8 and 11 p.m.?

Okay, as I'm typing this I think I'm starting to answer my own questions. Is it because he looks forward to me getting him up, comforting him, having precious alone time with him and playing? Ya, maybe that's it.

So... what do I do about it?

The best time

2011-10-26T16:23:00.002-04:00

As of today, Luke is officially one month away from turning one. That just seems crazy to me.

I can't tell you how fast this year has gone. The year-and-a-half since finding out I was pregnant. The nearly-two years since bringing Clara home.

While it does already make me a bit nostalgic, it doesn't make me sad.

Yes, I love sweet little newborn babies, and how clean and warm and snuggly they are. How they can't get away from you when you're changing their diaper. (Oh, I really love that!)

But, let's be honest. The first few months months are spent feeding, changing, and putting them down. And, in our case, getting him back up when he screams endlessly... putting him back down... getting him back up again... begging God to just please let him sleep for twenty minutes...

Don't get me wrong - I do love the newborn days. I long for those days with a new baby, no matter how hard they are.

It's an awesome experience, in those first days, to get to know this new little person who is inhabiting your home. There's nothing like it. But as amazing as that is, for me, it only gets better once you're well acquainted.

I know babies know their mamas right away, but now he knows me. And I can't get enough of all that this stage brings. Giggling like crazy when you tickle him... Holding onto me tight when he's afraid... Talking baby talk... Taking first steps... Playing with his big sister... Making a mess...

Reacting to everything... Clapping his hands... Throwing his arms up and yelling, "tah-dah" at random times because, I believe, he knows it makes us laugh.

I LOVE this time. He's never been cuter and I swear he loves me more every day. And the feeling is definitely mutual.

And the best part? I'm not sad about this stage being over either because I know what's right around the corner is just as amazing. I see it with his big sister. Oh man, is she growing up and it's hysterical.

She seemed to turn into a big girl over night a couple weeks ago and the things she's saying are cracking us up. Like when she saw a picture of her brother in his Halloween costume and proclaimed, "Woah! Who is that?" I wanted to say, "Woah! Who are you??"

I'm sure one day I'll get a little sad that they're getting big. And that day might come soon. But for now I'm choosing to live in the moment and love this time right now. It's a great feeling to know you're in the middle of living the best time of your life. I'm so very blessed.

A story of hope

2011-10-17T21:56:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to share a very moving video about a baby who has defied the odds.

My husband went to school with the baby's father, and he shared the video with him. As soon as I saw it (and cried all the way through), I knew I had to post it here. It's a beautiful story of hope and faith, which is something I know a lot of us struggle with at times.

It's also a wonderful reminder that all life is a gift from God. This sweet baby has obviously already brought so much joy into the world...

Perpetuating the myth

2011-10-14T15:14:00.001-04:00

In a comment on my previous post, Kerry asked me about my thoughts on getting pregnant after adopting. I'm kind of surprised I haven't talked about it more often on this blog, but I really haven't. So here are some thoughts on my personal experience thus far...

"Oh, that happens all the time!"

Those are words I have heard continuously since late March of 2010. Those are words that I will likely hear for the rest of my life.

I heard it when I was pregnant. I heard it when I had a newborn and a one-year-old. I still hear it today. Yesterday, in fact, at toddler music class.

I heard it two days ago as well, from my doctor. He said it the last time I was there too.

And, speaking of doctors, I heard it a few weeks ago from my other doctor, the one who I credit with successfully treating my infertility.

You get the point. I hear it a lot. In case you ever wondered if people actually believe that adoption leads to pregnancy, I'm here to tell you THEY DO.

To be honest, early on, it didn't bother me. I was just so thrilled to be pregnant that nothing really bothered me. And, after all, it did happen to me. Then, shortly thereafter, it happened to a good friend of mine. And, surprisingly, most of the people making the comments to me weren't simply talking out of their you-know-whats. They knew actual people that it happened to - their sister, their daughter, their best friend, their patients. How could I dispute that?

Then it did start to bother me a little. Friends of mine who were still struggling with infertility pointed out, sometimes jokingly but coming from a place of truth, how I would now be perpetuating the myth. They were right. Mine was a story that someone would tell to someone else who would then tell it to another person and before you know it that person would be telling an infertile couple, "Just adopt and you'll get pregnant! I hear it happens all the time!" Great. I've been that couple and know how excruciating it is to hear those words. I didn't want to play any role in their pain.

So I went through a phase where I refuted it. That's not saying much coming from me, since I definitely don't invite conflict with acquaintances or strangers. Usually I'd quietly and politely say something along the lines of, "Actually it doesn't happen a lot. You'd be surprised." Sometimes, if I was feeling frisky, I'd even throw in, "Don't say that to someone with infertility. That's not what they want to hear."

Or, to those who liked to follow up the "That happens all the time!" with the inevitable, "They say you just need to relax!", I would attempt to explain that while, yes, I personally believe that "relaxing" after we adopted Clara in a round-about way contributed to my conceiving, it isn't nearly as simple as it sounds...that there's actually a biological component to it...that my hormones were messed up and when my anxiety and stress levels (something I have long struggled with) plummeted, my body was possibly able to heal the last piece of the puzzle. Because, let's not forget, I had three surgeries in there as well. Relaxing wouldn't have ever gotten rid of the endometriosis. Ever.

(And, it's worth pointing out, this is all just my theory. While I do believe in my heart of hearts that the cosmic shift in my entire outlook on life aided in my conception, I will never be able to prove it.)

I rarely go that deep anymore. I usually respond with a simple smile. I don't nod in agreement, but I don't educate them either. I guess I've just gotten so used to it hearing it that the words barely register anymore. And, since in my experience every single one of these people means well, I cringe at the thought of openly disputing what they said. They just seem so darn happy for me. Plus, they were probably just making conversation.

I know I should do more. Just come up with a pat response that I'm comfortable with. Maybe I will. I owe it to infertile couples, and adoptive couples, everywhere. If being someone who this rare scenario actually has happened to comes with that responsibility, not perpetuating the myth is the least I can do.

One thing, though, should be clear - I am not complaining about what people say to me. I'm thankful every day that I find myself in a situation where I get those comments and I will never grow tired of the reminder that I have two babies through two miracles. It's those who hear them and who are still waiting who I feel for. I remember being on the other side of those words all too well.

Thank you

2011-10-13T18:36:00.008-04:00

Today is not Clara's birthday. Or the anniversary of the day we met her, or when we got the call.

Although we are closing in on her turning two, today is just an ordinary day.

A day we get to see this face...

And sing praises to God that she, against all odds, found her way to us.

A day we get to pinch ourselves for the thousandth time

And realize she's really ours.

And just another day when it's placed on my heart to remember all of the many people who played a role in our family's story with their unimaginable generosity.

I recently found myself reading my blog posts from the day we picked her up. I remember reading all your comments that first night, sitting on a friend's couch, feeding my baby. And I'm sure I looked at them again once back at home.

In the craziness of those early days, I'm not sure I let your words sink in. But reading them the other day, during nap-time, it hit me all over again.

There were so many of you praying for us, following our journey, cheering us on. I remember on our ride down I had never before felt so lifted up in prayer. For the first time I knew why it's called "lifted up," because that's exactly how I felt. It was as if God, the saints and the angels were personally ushering us to her.

I still can't wrap my mind around the money that people sent. Friends, who gave us more than I have ever given someone myself. It floors me to this day. Complete strangers, some of whom told me later that they prayed about it after reading my posts and felt moved by the Holy Spirit to help us out. And I mean help us out. And our family, who made it possible to bring a little preemie home to Virginia to be our daughter.

And, of course, by extension, you helped him get here too...

Because I will always believe one had so much to do with the other.

So, thank you. Because every day that I get to see her smile...

I'm reminded of all of you who helped us get here and how much my heart is full of gratitude. And I don't tell you that enough.

You know you haven't blogged in a while when...

2011-10-10T23:32:00.008-04:00

...your own blog address is no longer in the history of your phone or computer. I don't know that that's ever happened before! I had to actually type it in. What is the world coming to?!

I'm not sure of the reason for my absence. I've had things I could post about, wrote posts in my head. I think Luke not sleeping between the hours of 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. is a BIG reason why I've been gone. I blogged with him in my arms when he was little but he's not so little any more. He's into everything.

Tonight, though, he is sleeping (until I just jinxed it by typing that, I'm sure), which may be due to my forgetting to put him down for his second nap (he is a champion napper lately). I know sleep begets sleep, but I'm willing to try it again tomorrow, on purpose this time, if he stays asleep tonight.

Things are going well here. Busy, stressful, but well. I started a big project that I'll post more about in the future. Nothing that big. Just big craftily speaking.

The babies are... a handful. Those of you who couldn't relate to this post I wrote recently about not wanting to be away from my kids may be interested to hear that I am getting pretty close to needing/wanting a moment apart from them. Yup, shortly after that post went up these two little people began clinging to my legs as I walk, crying, moaning, one pulling up on me as I bend over to pick the other one up, not letting go - really, Luke has some grip - causing me to be unable to move or else one or both will go flying.

And my hair. If it is not up - and by "up" I mean twisted into a bun - it will be pulled like it's never been pulled before. I thought we were past the pulling stage, but no. When you have two crazy little munchkins constantly hanging off of you and throwing their bodies at you, your insanely long hair gets yanked like you wouldn't believe. I'm thinking of wearing a shower cap. It'll be a new trend.

And does anyone else find themselves constantly pulling their children out of rooms by their arms (actually lifting them up in the air) when you've asked them nicely thirty times, threatened time-out and still nothing? Has anyone actually pulled a shoulder out of its socket? Don't worry, it hasn't happened. I just fear it. I can only imagine explaining that one in the ER.

I'm not sure what it is lately, other than me. I haven't been feeling well and I think any extra added stress just puts me over the edge.

It hasn't been all crazy though. Along with the chaos has come much more laughter. Clara has taken to laughing hysterically. A lot. And it's infectious. She cracks herself, and then me, up.

There's also a lot of kissing going on in our home. She asks for kisses all the time. Comes up behind me and kisses my back. Kisses her baby brother's little bald head whenever the mood hits her. Asks for hugs out of nowhere. I find that she'll reach out and touch my arm when we're sitting next to each other on the couch, just to be touching me. It's amazing.

So that's what we've been up to. Oh, and we took a very quick trip up north to see my family a week or so ago. My parents are both turning 60 this fall and so we threw a party for them both (it was a surprise for my dad).

One thing is for sure. We have a MAJOR party girl on our hands.

Let's just say she is in her element at a party, no matter the time. Strutting in and out of rooms, making her presence known. And the big sign she's happy - kicking her one leg up when she walks.

There was a lot of that going on that night.

And a lot of this...

She ate birthday cake like it was her job. I'm not kidding. My mom thought she'd "share" a piece with the baby. Ha! Our girl couldn't shovel it in fast enough.

She had a good excuse, though. That very day she happened to be feasting in honor of St. Therese.

And then there's Luke, always up in Clara's business...

That boy just wants whatever his sister has.

At least she gets a break when the boys hang out...

And, of course, birthday girl, Nana, with her grandbabies...

They sat for her, but not for me. At what age, exactly, do kids start posing for photos with their mother?

And notice my scarf, from this wonderful website. I love my Ethiopian scarf!

Sweet picture of the babies cuddling at the end of the night... until you notice why they're sitting so nicely.

Oh, the iphone. Maybe I should photoshop that out and pretend they're just hugging ;)

Please pray

2011-09-29T22:16:00.001-04:00

I have two prayer requests for you, and in both situations, people specifically requested I bring these to the attention of the Catholic infertility bloggers. Everyone knows how powerful all your prayers are!

The first is for a baby, Henry William Morrison. He was born very, very early on July 24, weighing just 2 pounds, 2 ounces. His actual due date was supposed to be October 13. That's nearly three months premature. He is in a NICU in New York City and has been steadily progressing, but now problems are arising, including issues with his lungs. Please pray for little baby Henry, and for his family.

The second request was from my doctor, Dr. B. He asked me to get the word out to all of you to pray for a resident in his office, Sarah Smith. I am not sure I have all the details correct, but I believe she is going to be a NaPro OB/GYN and he mentioned she is also an extremely skilled surgeon with incredible bedside manner as well. What a great combination, especially in a young, female NaPro doctor! I had the pleasure of meeting her, and I couldn't help but think what a blessing she would be to patients dealing with infertility. Since we all know how scary it can be for those working in Catholic healthcare these day, please pray for her, that she follows God's will to wherever He leads her in her vocation, and that she can be a strong advocate for life, for NaProTechnology and for the Catholic Church.

Thank you in advance for your prayers!

Happenings

2011-09-26T21:50:00.001-04:00

First, Luke has now gained nearly a pound-and-a-half. We're so excited!

No more Failure to Thrive. More like Thriving Success!

He also turned 10 months today. Go double digits! You can read more about all of his latest milestones (and the newest addition to our family...) over on my other blog.

Second, I went to see Dr. B.

For those of you who weren't around for my journey through infertility, Dr. B is a wonderful Catholic doctor who heads up a Catholic OB/GYN practice about an hour-and-a-half from me, whom I credit with getting me healthy enough to conceive Luke.

Well, after several months of dozing off in the late afternoon/early evening hours (NOT good when you're home alone with two babies), and feeling like I wasn't being taken seriously by my endocrinologist, I decided to go see Dr. B.

What a different experience from the last time I was driving up there. I hadn't been in two years, back when I had surgery to treat what at the time was being called a "mass" or "tumor." Thankfully, it turned out to just be endometriosis (just endometriosis), but it's safe to say I was pretty nervous leading up to that surgery. But fast-forward two years, and here I was making the drive with two babies in the back seat.

Dr. B got to meet Clara and Luke and he was so happy for us. I was glad they could meet him, even though they won't remember.

As for my health, he wants me to do another saliva test to test my adrenals. I had extremely low levels two years ago, took cortisol for about six months, got pregnant, and then stopped taking it (per Dr. Stegman's orders).

He thinks my exhaustion in the late afternoon could be at least partly due to my eating habits. Lately, I don't eat breakfast (I'm just busy in the morning, not very hungry, and I don't like breakfast food), then I eat carbs and a little protein for lunch, carbs for a snack, and carbs and a little protein for dinner.

So... I'm supposed to eat more protein all around, but especially for breakfast and lunch. I'm trying.

You see, the big problem is I having been losing weight so quickly from breastfeeding, that I haven't had any motivation to eat healthy. I get to eat yummy foods and the pounds still come off. Awesome! But now, if it will help my fatigue, then of course I will eat healthier. Like I said, I'm trying.

He also took blood to see how my progesterone and estradiol are doing. He thinks a lot of my other symptoms (slight nausea, irritability, breaking out, weepiness), which I told him happen the second two weeks of my cycle, sound like low progesterone. He said I'm basically PMSing for two weeks. Makes sense! It just really didn't occur to me.

I got my blood test results back today and, sure enough, my progesterone is really low - 4.3 on cycle day 18. Estradiol was normal (123 I think?). And, to my surprise, my thyroid was normal as well (and for those wondering, he looks at all the thyroid numbers he's supposed to... NOT tsh).

So I'm going to start taking prometrium. I meant to start it last week, but we couldn't pick it up because our flex account, which we use to pay for prescriptions, was temporarily deactivated. I can't help thinking what if I would have been pregnant this cycle if not for a measly $40. I hope not.

When he was writing the script for prometrium, Dr. B said "well, expect to get pregnant." Ha! I don't know if I will ever, ever be someone who expects that. But I can't say I'm not hopeful. I would love for low progesterone to be all that's standing in the way this time.

Well Luke just woke up crying (I can't complain - he is taking TWO naps a day!), so I have to end this here. I have to say, though, it was a blast from the past writing about seeing Dr. B, my cycles, and low progesterone! Although this time, praise God, there is no sadness, just hopefulness. I already have more than I could have ever dreamed.

On getting out

2011-09-23T15:08:00.008-04:00

I never want to be away from my kids.

There. I said it. Why, again, do I feel this is a controversial statement?

It all started when I saw my OB for my six-week follow-up after Luke's birth.

Are you getting out? Spending some time away from the babies? she asked. Really? It had only been six weeks. I was still getting the hang of breast feeding. By the time I got ready to go somewhere he needed to nurse again.

No, I responded, innocently and honestly. I don't really want to.

It was the truth. Now, I definitely shy away from the controversial. If I had known what her reaction was going to be, I probably would have just said "Sure, I'm getting out" and left it at that. I had no idea that I had said anything that I shouldn't.

She shot me a look filled, all at once, with disdain, pity, and concern for my naivety. In just those quick seconds, it was as if that look said Oh, no. No, no, no. You don't understand. You don't have to say that just because you're a mom and that's what you think you're supposed to say. You should spend time apart from them. In fact, you shouldn't not spend time apart from them. It's unhealthy not to, even dangerous. You're all going to end up royally messed up if you don't. You're children will be serial killers.

What she actually said was something more along the lines of, You do really need to spend some time away from them. It will be good for all of you. I'm serious. Still, her words weren't simply advice from a doctor and fellow mom. They were a warning.

So I tried. I went to the store alone, I... I'm trying to think of somewhere else to tell you I went, but that's about it. It was still early on, and leaving the house was difficult. Luke needed me constantly. But her words - that look - were never far from my thoughts.

It wasn't like we had babysitters to call on at will. Neither my husband nor I grew up anywhere near our current town, so we don't know a great deal of people, let alone any teens. That doesn't exactly make going out all that easy, so we didn't. And I was perfectly content.

Ryan, on the other hand, needed the occasional night out. Sometimes for a work event, sometimes for an outing involving something we can't do with babies, like going to the movies. Once leaving Luke was a bit easier, we began trading-off babysitting with good friends of ours. It's fine by me since it usually involves going out after Clara and Luke would normally be in bed.

But it's always his doing. I enjoy going, I just don't need to go. I don't initiate going.

When birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations arise, Ryan inevitably asks me what I want to do. Go out, I say. With the kids.

When I've had a tough week, when I complain about my fatigue, Luke teething, or Clara (and, by extension, I) spends what seems like an entire day in time-out, Ryan generously asks if I want to do something by myself, like go shopping. No, I say. I want to go but I want us all to go.

Call me crazy, but I just have more fun when they're with me. I'm more joyful when they're with me. I'm more content when I know they're there. I'm relaxed and happy when I know I can see their faces.

Do I need some time apart? Yes. That's why God invented naps. On days when napping is rough, I nearly lose my mind.

And give me a day or two without Ryan at home when he's normally home (or worse - if he's gone overnight) and I'll go nuts.

It's a delicate balance. As long as I have my normal routine of Ryan helping in the morning, naps, and coming home at night, I'm good to go. Help is key. I didn't say I want to be alone with my kids for days on end. I'm not that crazy.

And I know I only have two. My thoughts on this matter may evolve. But for right now, this is where I'm at. I have no desire to get out and I'm now realizing I shouldn't be ashamed of that.

I know some people will think this is absurd. That I just don't get it yet. Or, like I know my doctor was probably, likely, maybe, thinking - that it's even doing a disservice to my children.

And to them I would say this: We are all different. Some moms may need time away, and that's fine. But, for me, personally, after nearly six years of infertility, I need my babies. I spent a lot - a LOT - of time being sad and missing the babies I didn't yet know. Now that they're here, I don't ever want them far from me. They just bring me joy.

And I'd like to think at this very young age, they just might need me too.

But if my children turn out crazy, then you can all blame it on me not getting out enough. Deal?

Rejoicing

2011-09-19T16:34:00.002-04:00

We are rejoicing in our house today. The pediatrician called this morning to say that Luke doesn't have a kidney problem after all!

Yay!!!!

It all started when I found something online that said it was difficult to test babies for Renal Tubular Acidosis because it's hard to take blood from them. It listed the two ways the test could be innacurate, and lo and behold, Luke had both things happen - they took the blood by pricking his finger, and not much blood was taken. Apparently, both things can cause his CO2 to appear lower than it is.

I asked the doctor about this and she agreed he should be retested, so he had his blood drawn on Friday. I was hopeful but not counting on a different outcome.

But the outcome was very different. His CO2 this time was 23, with normal between 20-26. Perfect! His doctor said while factors can cause a falsely low result, it can't be falsely normal.

I am just so happy - happy nothing is wrong with his kidneys, and really happy we don't have to give him medicine four times a day for the next two years. What a relief.

His doctor praised me for following my motherly instinct, and pushing to retest. But it wasn't as much instinct as a drive to know more. I just didn't feel right hearing he had a kidney problem and going about business as usual. I needed to learn about it, and in doing so I read about the ways a test could be inaccurate. I believe God lead me to that information.

So the pediatrician said Luke is probably just a stair-step grower, gaining rapidly in the beginning, then plateuing for three months, then gaining a pound last week. She said she'd see him at his twelve month check-up and that was like music to my ears.

Thanks for all your prayers. Our little guy is healthy, thriving, and full of TONS of energy lately. Just the way it should be :)

Range of emotions (and giveaway winner!)

2011-09-13T21:50:00.004-04:00

First... it's time to announce the winner of my first-ever blog giveaway.

As you may remember, one week ago today I offered an opportunity to win a beautiful handwoven scarf or basket, made in Ethiopia, by women who used to do the back-breaking job of carrying fuel wood to earn a very small wage to support their families. These women are now paid a predictable, fair trade income for the products, which are marketed online and here in the U.S. by the amazing Connected in Hope Foundation. All profits are re-invested to support the women and their families.

So if you haven't already, head over to Connected in Hope's website to make a purchase (they make great gifts!) and help out these women and children. Oh, and a very cool fact I learned today - each of the products are signed by the woman who made them. When you receive your purchase, you can find her name on the website, and even leave a message of thanks for her! I just thought that was really neat.

So without further ado.... the winner is....

Deborah, from What A Team

Deborah, please email Ryane at ryane@connectedinhope.org to receive your prize

Thanks to all who entered!

*********

So the best way to describe my emotions since finding out about Luke's diagnosis: erratic.

I've been calm, then a ball of nerves, then joking about it, then suddenly full of anxiety.

One minute I'm scared that my son has a disease with an actual name, the next minute I'm laughing about how researchers believe Tiny Tim probably suffered from the same problem (um, he's fictional!).

One minute I'm thankful Luke doesn't have anything more serious, the next minute I'm worried he'll be among those who don't outgrow it.

The biggest thing for me is that I feel a little bit in the dark. I wasn't told all that much about it by his pediatrician (who I still need to call back and ask a list of questions). Thankfully, there are a couple websites that I have found that have good information (not random websites, but ones like the U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, and the National Kidney Foundation), but I still would like to have a better handle on it. Like... does he need to see a specialist? Are there foods he shouldn't eat? What are the chances he won't outgrow it? Will we check his blood periodically to see if his levels are normal? What caused it?

I don't believe I've even said what it's called. It's Renal Tubular Acidosis. NOT the adult kind, which can be much scarier. So if you happen to google it, don't pay attention to that. The kind babies have slows growth and is normally outgrown. No kidney failure. I'm getting a nervous stomach just typing that.

Has anyone ever heard of it? Had a child diagnosed with it?

I don't expect anyone to be familiar with it. After all, my mom is a school nurse and says she's never once had a child in school with it. I hope that means that children outgrow it and it's not an issue once they are school age.

I just read an article about it and now I'm nervous again. I told you my emotions are erratic. Ugh. I need to talk to his doctor. And pray about it.

Jesus, I trust in you!

Good news and not-quite-as-good news

2011-09-12T15:46:00.005-04:00

The good news first - Luke is officially thriving.

Doesn't he just look bigger?

He seemed heavier the past few days, so I weighed him on our scale here at home, and he was up a pound. A whole pound! Praise God. It had to be all the prayers. And the pancakes ;)

I even doubted the scale, so I weighed a 5-pound bag of sugar on it, as well as on our regular scale, and everything checked out. And he weighed the same again today.

And, for the record, that weight is 17 lbs 7.5 ounces. Go Luke!

The not-as-awesome news, but still not necessarily bad news (or at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself), is that we finally got his lab results back today and his kidneys are immature. I'm not going to get too specific here because I don't understand it all and don't know the correct terminology, but it basically means he's not processing CO2 the right way. His pediatrician assures us that babies typically outgrow this by age two, but in the meantime he will have to take a medication four times a day. The medication isn't treating the problem, but replacing what he's losing (the carbon dioxide, I guess?). And it will help him to grow more efficiently.

That made me realize what a blessing it was that I did bring him in for his check-up when we did, and that he hadn't gained anything yet. If he had gained, his kidneys still would've been immature, it just wouldn't have been discovered because there would have been no red flag. I wonder how many other babies have this problem and it goes undiagnosed.

I asked what happens if this isn't detected in babies (as I'm assuming it usually isn't), or what if I had brought him in today instead of two weeks ago and his weight looked fine? She said he just wouldn't grow as much and he'd be smaller his whole life.

So this isn't a huge, terrible problem. He'll outgrow it and have no lasting effects, and thanks to the medication, he'll be the size he was meant to be (I can't help but keep thinking about how his father can't wait for him to play football!).

We are so, so, so blessed that there isn't anything more serious wrong with him. From what I've read, even the most serious cases (when it is not outgrown) simply require the use of medication to keep it under control. Thank God.

But, as a mother, hearing that there is any problem is still scary. This was "worst-case scenario" going in, and that's what he has. Hearing your child has a "kidney problem" just doesn't sound great.

To be honest, though, I was completely relaxed after talking to the doctor. I have to remember that, since anxiety can build when your mind has time to wander. And google.

Actually, googling helped to relax me a little since I found something that talked about all the ways the blood test can provide a false reading. And guess what it said could cause those false readings? Heel or finger sticks - which he had! And a small amount of blood being taken. He had that too!

I'm going to call the doctor to ask about that, but she said the medication can't hurt him at all even if, worst case scenario, he didn't need it. But still... not having to give him something four times a day until he's two would be nice. So would knowing nothing is wrong with him.

Really, though, nothing is wrong with him. I have to remind myself that. He's healthy and just has a little issue that is not uncommon and, if left untreated, would just make him end up a little smaller than he should be. But he won't, because the medication will help him grow. Thanks be to God that's all we're dealing with.

And, really, look at the size of this kid's head. He's not lacking in that department...

Sorry this was kind of stream-of-consciousness. I'm still processing it all.

Well, Luke's starting to play with a cord and Clara is crying in her crib. Time to go!

Sleep confessions, and advice needed

2011-09-08T15:08:00.001-04:00

We're in the midst of simultaneous naps. Not sure how long this will last, so I'm typing fast.

First, I just wanted to remind you that my giveaway is still going on!! Do NOT miss out. Seriously, you don't even have to do anything too time consuming to enter. For instance, if you just "like" the organization on facebook, you get an entry. How easy is that? And it'll get you a chance (a pretty good chance!) to win a handwoven scarf or basket, like these..

Aren't they gorgeous? The more I look at them, the more I want both!

So just read my previous post and follow the links near the bottom. Just make sure to come back to my post and leave a comment(s) that you entered. **Thanks to all who have already entered. By the way, I noticed some of you "liked" Connected in Hope Foundation on Facebook, but didn't leave a comment on my post. Make sure you do for your chance to win!**

Okay, now back to naps..... I'm savoring these few minutes because it's been a rough stretch here, sleep-wise. I've been trying not to admit it, but Luke has basically returned to his no-sleep days. For a while I thought it was a fluke, or he was getting a tooth, but now the days are adding up to weeks and I have to face the fact that he's just not sleeping.

He started out not napping in August, back when he began pulling up and hitting his head on the side of his crib. The bruises (and the crying) were too much for me - I went in and got him every time. That has now ruined him and me - he now knows I'll come get him at the first cry, and I have forgotten to let him fuss a little (despite seeing proof during the day that he can get himself down easily from standing). Both of those things lead to no sleep.

Thankfully, it's no where near as bad as it was before, when he never, ever slept. He slept in his crib last night from midnight until 9 a.m. And he's napping in his crib right now. But he might nap twice a week lately, it seems. And last night was the first night in a while where he didn't sleep hours at a time with us.

It's still hard though, and when he sleeps with us my night is pretty restless and I end up sleeping in while Ryan gets up with the babies.

On a similar topic, isn't it funny how you want them to sleep, but you want them awake too? I miss them when they're sleeping. I secretly get excited when Clara wakes up around 11 p.m. some nights, when I'm home alone before Ryan is done with work. Unless she is sick or mad, she is usually super-cute and we cuddle in bed and it's so much fun. I know, bad habit to get into, but it seriously only happens once in a great while. And as hard as it is when Luke's not sleeping, I really don't mind him being awake all day.

But... and there is a big "but"... there's like this innate need deep inside of me to have the use of both arms for at least a little while each day. Do you know what I mean? On those days when Luke's really needy, and I can't put him down without him screaming, it really takes its toll. Everything is hard, and once I do get a few moments where it's just me and no baby is attached, it's like something releases. Ahhhh.... But it's not an emotional thing. I don't need "me time" or anything like that. It's simply the need to use both arms unencumbered.

And speaking of a baby being attached to you (like my segues?), Luke is doing the funniest things while nursing lately! He is no longer happy just laying there. He prefers to be up on all fours, moving all around, doing acrobatics. Is this normal? Is this something that happens around this age? It's really funny. He sure does have a mind of his own.

So I haven't heard from his pediatrician yet. Today is two weeks since his blood was drawn, and I know most people would have called to inquire by now, but I figure "no news is good news." His doctor even said as much. She said she'd be gone last week and that if it was "something", one of the other doctors would call me. If nothing showed up on the blood work, she'd call when she got back (presumably this week).

But I can't rest too easy because in my anxiety-ridden mind I have come up with a couple possibilities: A) That the hurricane and power outages delayed the testing of this blood (it was taken on Thurs., Irene and subsequent outages happened Saturday through at least Sunday; I called there on Monday to look for a lost wallet and they were open), and B) that since they didn't get enough blood from him and had to call the doctor's office to see which tests were a priority that 1) they didn't get a hold of anyone in a timely fashion and it hasn't been as long as it seems, or 2) they didn't test for half the stuff and weren't even able to rule much out.

Whew.... I have had a lot of time to worry about that, haven't I?

He still hasn't gained anything on our scale here at home. And if the blood work shows nothing is seriously wrong, then I really want advice on how to help him gain weight, if there's even anything I can do.

One friend of mine told me that by this age, she was only nursing her daughter twice a day. Not having talked to anyone else about my nursing habits, I was surprised to hear this. Luke still nurses on demand. He's eating solids about three times a day, but still wants to nurse all throughout the day. Sometimes I think I have more to offer than other times, that's for sure.

Do you think I could be nursing him too much? I wish I had a number of times or hour intervals to give you, but I haven't kept track. Maybe I need to. I have just heard that if you do it too often then maybe you aren't producing the "good stuff." Anyone know if there's any truth to that?

Thanks in advance for you advice. I think I hear him now. Perfect timing!

My first ever blog giveaway - And for a great cause

2011-09-06T11:03:00.004-04:00

Back when we lived in Upstate New York and I first started looking into adoption, a friend of mine - a beautiful, faithful Catholic mother to one little boy - was as well. Ryane and I shared information on programs, home studies, social workers, and she even got me very interested in Haiti, which I seriously considered for a little while.

Eventually, I moved away and ended up choosing to adopt domestically, while Ryane and her husband chose to adopt internationally, from Ethiopia. It has been so exciting to see her family grow (at much the same pace as ours lately, it seems!) and we are just so happy for them.

But her story doesn't end there. She is doing absolutely amazing things. Amazing! I'll let her tell you more about it, and how you can get involved. And it just might involve my very first blog giveaway ever! Well, she's doing the giving away, but still. I'm just happy to help her out in any way I can.

And you barely have to do anything at all for your chance to win a gorgeous scarf or really cool basket. I want both of these!

So keep reading for more info on how to win from Ryane...

**********

Connected in Hope Foundation's vision began in 2009 when my mother and I traveled to Ethiopia to pick up my son Joseph. It grew into a deep love and respect for the wonderful people of Ethiopia and a compelling desire to give back to the beautiful country of my son's birth.

Subsequent trips to Ethiopia brought us to the community of Mount Entoto, outside of Ethiopia's capital, Addis Ababa. We came face-to-face with the many women on Mt Entoto burdened with the task of carrying bundles of fuel wood (weighing 70-80 lbs and 8-10 feet long!) on their backs the 10+ miles down the mountain to sell in the markets of Addis Ababa. This backbreaking (literally!) work would only net them the equivalent of about .50- .75 cents a day. The women, often walking barefoot, would do this day after day in order to feed their children. Many are unable to afford the uniform and school supply fees required by the government schools, so the children are unable to attend. The children on Mt Entoto are often malnourished and lack access to basic health care. Needless to say, the faces of the women and children of Mt Entoto were imprinted on our hearts and left us forever changed- and committed!

We founded Connected in Hope in 2010 with the 3-fold mission of providing sustainable income alternatives for the women fuel wood carriers, improving educational opportunities for their children and increasing access to basic health care. We take a holistic approach (focusing on empowerment rather than charity) and truly believe that the key to sustainable change comes through educating kids and empowering their mamas! We are presently working with 60 former fuel wood carriers who are now hand weaving scarves and baskets. Connected in Hope pays the women a predictable, fair trade income for the products and then markets them online and here in the US. We re-invest all profits in programs to support the women and their families. We are beginning leadership development and literacy classes for the women. Additionally we have a small on-site daycare for the children of the weavers. Next year we will expand the day care to a larger facility with the hopes of also providing a high quality preschool program and services for infants (who now pass their days strapped to their mothers' backs as they weave). Future plans include a small health clinic and a library.

Read more about what we are doing on our website www.connectedinhope.org.

Since we are still in the start-up phase, we are working very hard to share the women's stories and spread the word about the work we are doing in Ethiopia. That's where YOU come in! We are offering an extra special GIVEAWAY just for AYWH readers. One lucky reader will get their pick of any one product from our online store!! Any scarf or basket... your pick!

To enter do one (or more!) of the following things and then leave a separate comment on this post for each one that you do:

1. Visit our website and click the link on the bottom to subscribe to our email newsletter. (2 entries)

2. "Like" us on Facebook (1 entry)

3. Share our website on your facebook wall (3 entries)

and

4. 10 BONUS entries for every purchase made in our online store! Every PRODUCT tells a STORY and every PURCHASE brings HOPE!

Make sure to leave separate comments on this post for each entry! We'll draw a winner in one week! On behalf of the women we serve, Thank You!!

A very happy anniversary

2011-09-04T23:35:00.001-04:00

First we had no power (three days). Then we lost internet (not even two full days, but it seemed like forever). Now things are back to normal, thankfully.

And just in time for our wedding anniversary.

Today is our seventh. Seven just seems... like a long time. Doesn't it? Six is just a little more than five, which isn't much at all. And seven is inching closer to ten, which is a really long time. Ha.. I know in a few years I'll probably look back on this time and think how we were just starting out.

We are, in a way, just starting out. Two babies, only one who is walking and neither who are fluently talking. It's exciting!

I always worried about being the older parents, thanks to infertility. But now that we are, it's kind of nice to feel younger. I know we're not all that old, but we could easily have teenagers (no lie - we freak out a little when we find facebook friends from high school who are now grandparents. Okay, so they are usually step-grandparents, but still). Instead, we are parents to babies, and at the very beginning of growing our family.

Of course I didn't expect it to be this way seven years ago today. When I was struggling with infertility, I used to say if I could just know. Know how it would all turn out. If I'd be a mother. If I'd be childless forever. But I don't think I could have handled knowing that first night, after the party had ended. Could you even imagine? I envision being visited by a guardian angel of sorts, and having it all played on a projector screen in front of me. I know myself and I know I would have broken down watching the first five years and would have been crying so hard I wouldn't have even made it to the part where it showed my babies' faces. I would have feared the cross with every fiber of my being.

But if I were told we would have babies... I would have been okay. I could have made it through. And what good would that have done? I was forced to trust God during those years because had no idea how it would all end. God, in His infinite wisdom, brings it one day at a time.

I often think about where I'd be today if not for infertility. Three kids by now? Maybe four? I know I would have taken a lot for granted. I'm not saying that all fertile women take their families for granted, I'm just saying that I would have. I know this because I catch myself doing it even now. Me, the girl who cried for nearly six years because she wanted so badly to be a mother, sometimes takes her family for granted. Just tonight when Luke was doing something - I can't honestly even remember what - and I didn't want to have to deal with it right at that moment, I gently reminded myself that if I could have asked my infertile self if she'd want to deal with a fussy baby, she would have said yes. She would gladly cut off her right arm to deal with the fussiest baby that ever lived. And I would have. Well maybe not cut it off. Or, if I did cut it off I would have at least hoped for a pleasant baby. That only seems fair.

Well this has gotten very off topic. So I will wrap it up by saying happy anniversary to the most wonderful husband I could have ever dreamed of. I love everything about our life and wouldn't have it any other way.

Preparing for the worst

2011-08-26T18:24:00.001-04:00

Our second natural disaster in one week! Ahh! Speaking of which, I swear I feel aftershocks all the time. But yet I don't feel the actual aftershocks. Go figure.

Anyways, before I get into our storm preps, I must point out that Luke hit a big milestone recently - he has officially been out of my womb longer than he was in it. He wasn't in there quite nine months (and, honestly, the first two weeks you're just gearing up for ovulation, so that shouldn't count), so it probably happened last week or so.

That's all to say that today he turns nine months old.

This kid is all smiles until the camera comes out!

I won't brag about how big he's getting (see my last post!), but he is looking more and more like a grown-up little boy.

For more about Luke, you can check out my other blog.

Now back to hurricane news... We decided to do some preparations today in case we lose power. And, if we do, there's always a chance that with widespread outages, especially along the coast, they might not restore ours for a few days. That, I suppose, is the worst case scenario.

So our whole family hit the grocery store (a first) and it was like the blind leading the blind! We walked around aimlessly, while Ryan googled what we should buy on his iphone. And you'd think he'd know exactly what to do since his station has been going overboard on hurricane coverage all week! But no.

We ended up with some peaches (the babies love them), chips and pretzels, applesauce for Luke, cereal, granola bars, diapers, water, milk and diet coke. I know, real nutritious. And I just couldn't bring myself to buy canned goods. I'll drive to my in-laws in North Carolina before I'm desperate enough to eat beans out of a can.

We hopefully will keep some things cold in a cooler, and in our fridge, until it gets too warm. I had already bought food to make meals for now through Monday - homemade spaghetti sauce, eggplant parm, pizza (see a trend? I like to get the most out of my ingredients) - and I'm still going to try to make them. I made the sauce today, will probably do the eggplant tonight, and then if we lose power I'll just warm them up on the grill. We also looked up how to do the pizza on the grill (with a pre-made crust that I have) and that should be easy.

Hopefully it'll all turn out to be nothing. I can actually hear Ryan on the TV in the other room talking to the meteorologist on his 4 p.m. show and it sounds like they're saying it might not be too bad. Let's hope.

If Irene does hit here, though, you can rest assured that one reporter will be on the story... tracking the storm... bringing you all the breaking news. He'll just be doing it from my living room because his mommy doesn't let him out in the rain!

A plateau

2011-08-25T16:12:00.001-04:00

Failure to thrive.

Not exactly the label a mother wants placed on her little baby. And yet, that's what happened this morning at Luke's 9-month check-up. It was written on his chart, as his diagnosis on our payment form, and on his lab slip.

Does this look like a baby who is failing to thrive?

I was actually looking forward to this appointment, excited that he was doing so much better than the first few check-ups that he had, back when he never slept and seemed to have an allergy to dairy. He's been doing amazingly well, the picture of health. He's crawling, pulling up, saying "dada," even waving and saying "hi" when the mood hits him.

I knew he hadn't been gaining weight. At three appointments back in the Spring he had plateaued, and on our home scale he hadn't gained anything since then. But just recently I had decided that it just had to be broken. I weighed him in my arms on our adult scale, and then weighed myself alone, and his weight seemed higher. I relaxed.

Then this morning I placed him on the baby scale at the pediatrician's office and there it was - 16 lbs., 8 ounces. He'd gained nothing since May. I was still calm, not too concerned as we walked back to the exam room. Then, when a few minutes later the nurse called to me again - wanting to weigh Luke a second time because something wasn't right, maybe the scale was off-balance - I got nervous. Great, I thought, knowing full well it wasn't the scale.

The doctor, who was within earshot for the two weigh-ins, eventually examined him and was delighted by his progress. Advanced developmentally, she said. He was perfect, doing everything that she looks for, like trying to get her attention, making noises, bouncing on his strong legs.

Then she asked if I had any concerns, like she always does. Well, there's the weight thing...

She had forgotten about that, hadn't checked his charts yet. Then she saw it - 16,8 three out of the last four times, with one 16,11 thrown in there. The dots on the graph rose steadily the first six months and then flatlined for the most recent three. She was concerned. I was becoming increasingly nervous.

He would need blood drawn, she said. A couple nurses examined his tiny arms only to determine they didn't feel comfortable doing it and we would have to go to a lab.

The doctor mentioned some possible things it could be. Immature kidneys, for one, which she says would not be a big problem. He would grow out of it and we would just have to watch it for a couple years, and I think she mentioned a medication but I can't remember exactly. She also mentioned food allergies, and Celiac Disease. They would test for it all.

She said it's not my supply because he's not fussy. He tells me when he wants to nurse, and I feel as if I'm nursing him a lot. He seems satisfied when he's done. I told her about how I avoided one side for a while one day because he had bit me there and how it became engorged. She agreed that that was evidence my supply is just fine.

I also asked about feeding him more solids, maybe something high-calorie, and she said that nursing is most important right now. He will gain more from that than from anything else.

It could be - and here's what we're hoping, of course - that it's just his gaining pattern. He gains a lot, then plateaus, then gains, then plateaus. We're also hoping it could be because at the very same time he stopped gaining, he started sleeping through the night, moving all around, and eating solids. He was literally attached to me before he moved to his crib, nursing constantly. Maybe his previous weight gain was inflated.

She also said - and this, hopefully, is important - that because the first part of his exam she looked at him without yet knowing about the weight issue and thought he was the picture of health, that she doesn't think it's anything very serious. He isn't showing any symptoms of a bigger problem. He's not sick, he's not fussy, he's sleeping great, he's developmentally ahead, he's moving all around, he's happy, he's talkative... So hopefully all those things add up to this just being a fluke. That he's just not a big gainer.

I left nervous and on edge. I called Ryan and told him that he and Clara would be accompanying us to the lab for Luke's blood draw. I needed the support of another adult.

My niece had some similar issues when she was around the same age as Luke, so I called my sister. She said her daughter would plateau for a few months, then gain right before her next check-up, so the doctor never had cause for concern. Okay, I thought, my niece is fine so hopefully a growth spurt is right around the corner for Luke.

I then called my mom on the way and told her everything. She, a nurse, couldn't think of anything else more serious that it could be and really thinks that he is fine. She said she had come across a prayer card for St. Rita right when I called, so she was going to ask for her intercession.

Sweet Clara was trying to hold Luke's hand

On a side note, when we arrived at the lab (which specialized in pediatrics), Luke started hiccuping in the waiting room. I kid you not, three separate people we encountered took one look at him and said, "He's got the hiccups, you know what that means? He's growing!" Apparently I'm the only one who has never heard that Old Wives Tale. When the reception said it first, I replied, "Good, because that's why we're here!" Then when we returned to our seat, a woman sitting near us said the same thing. Finally, the woman drawing his blood said it as well. Maybe just a coincidence, but I'd like to think it was a sign. Not that his hiccups were actually making him grow, of course, but that he's going to grow. Maybe that was already St. Rita's intercession letting us know he's going to be okay.

It's a good thing I had that little ray of hope, because the blood draw experience was worse than I could have imagined.

Without recounting every gory details, I'll just say that they tried his right arm, then his left arm, then his right arm again, before pricking his finger and squeezing out tiny amounts over about ten minutes. The second arm was the worst - the nurse, who was visibly stressed and sweating, fished around in there for a vein for what seemed like forever while he screamed in my arms. And this was the lab that specialized in babies.

They drew enough blood for some of the tests, but not all. They're going to ask our pediatrician's office which tests are a priority. I'm hoping we don't have to go back.

Notice his little band-aid from his blood draw

So my poor little baby had a rough day, but did surprisingly well. He still charmed everyone he came in contact with, and really only cried that one time. He's a trooper.

We won't find out the results until probably next Wednesday, and I'm hoping I can maintain my anxiety level until then.

If you get a chance, please say a prayer for Lukie, that he's okay, that this is all making a big deal out of nothing, that he gains weight. That he starts to thrive. I know your prayers are so powerful and I can't thank you enough.

And I'd love to hear if any of you have slow-gaining babies. But, please don't share with me anything that will raise my anxiety. I've had about all I can handle for one day.

Our day was much more exciting today

2011-08-23T21:20:00.003-04:00

Today started out fairly normal.

Clara had her final Toddler Time in Nature class. And it turns out... she loves nature! It became very clear to me I need to get this child out in it more.

There was a lot of this...

And some of this...

And with all that admiring of nature going on, she and her little friend brought up the rear...

Sorry for the blur, but I just love her face

(On a sidenote - In what will be a case of blogs colliding for some of you, the sweet little munchkin behind Clara is another Clara, and is often featured on this widely popular blog written by her very awesome and talented parents.)

We then returned home, I started getting dinner ready for later, and had some lunch. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until I was standing over the stove stirring a sauce and the house started shaking like crazy, like nothing I've ever felt before. And it wasn't stopping.

For some reason an earthquake didn't even cross my mind.

My first thought was that it was the washing machine. But then my brain, realizing in a matter of seconds that it wasn't on, naturally moved on to house exploding. I'm not sure what could cause it to explode, but I was sure it was about to.

With the whole house still shaking, I walked from the kitchen into the living room and saw Luke sitting on the floor and Clara standing near him with a pretty freaked out look on her face.

At this point Ryan was in the room and I'm not sure what I said to him, but I scooped up Luke and headed outside, hoping Ryan would grab Clara. I wasn't going to be in the house when it exploded!

As soon as I looked outside, I saw the windows shaking in the house across the street. It wasn't just us! Just as the shaking stopped, my mind immediately switched from exploding house to earthquake.

That's when one of my neighbors came outside and asked, "So that wasn't just my house?" My sentiments exactly. At that very moment, our dog and cat escaped through the front door (it was bedlam!). I sat Luke in the grass and we chased them down.

Upon returning inside, L from GIMH was calling me and we discussed how freaked out we both were. I don't think I stopped shaking for about ten minutes.

Ryan then left for work, where it was sure to be a busy day for him. He was on the air from 2:30 until 4:30 and we were glued to it at our house.

Turns out the epicenter of the 5.8 quake was about 40 miles from our house. Craziness!

We didn't have any damage, thankfully, and nothing was even out of place except one picture that was off-kilter.

And is anyone else reminded of this cameo appearance by my news-anchor-moonlighting-as-an-actor husband on a now-canceled NBC primetime show? Hopefully today's quake wasn't as mysterious.

So since Ryan wasn't coming home for dinner and emergency rules applied, the kids and I ate in the living room. We also had some fun with laundry baskets...

What a day! And one we'll be recounting for years to come, I'm sure. And here I thought I had nothing exciting to share!

Oh.. and I am having more ice cream tonight. I had vowed to space my sweet indulgences out a bit but, again, emergency rules apply.

Our day

2011-08-22T21:28:00.010-04:00

I don't know about you, but I was fascinated by this post. Riveted by it. I wanted to know more. Maybe it was because she, like me, is a stay-at-home mom and I could totally relate. Maybe it was because she wrote humbly about her stresses and seemingly crazy moments during her day as a mom of three under three. Maybe I am just nosy.

I knew I wanted to do my own. Partly because I found hers so helpful that I thought maybe others could relate to mine, and partly to see if perhaps I am busier than I actually think.

But it turns out... I'm not. When I sat down to detail my day, I realized mine was no where near as interesting as Tridentine Wife's! Yes, she has three, much more taxing than my two under two. But still, I should have a jam-packed schedule, shouldn't I?

Instead, my days were filled with tons of down time, not much housework and a lot of help from my husband. I embarrassingly sleep in a lot of days while Ryan gets the kids breakfast. I have absolutely no schedule to speak of. Why did I want to post this again?

Believe it or not, I wrote out the blow-by-blow of TWO days and never posted either. I guess I hoped the second would be better/busier/more impressive. It wasn't.

But then I started thinking. So what? So my husband helps a lot. So I have a lot of down time and my days are sometimes really ordinary. Maybe we don't usually leave the house. Or do neat things. Or do much at all besides playing on the floor in our living room. Maybe someone can relate to that.

Maybe not. But either way, here is how our day went down today...

8:30 - Wake up to Luke crying. Wow, he slept late! Ryan goes to get him, as he does every morning, and brings him to me to nurse in bed.

9:00 - Luke seems full, so I put him back in his crib, and I go back to bed.

9:15 - When Clara's talking/kissing/playing turns into yelling/whining, Ryan gets up to get her. I get up too, since Luke hasn't fallen back asleep.

9:30 - Ryan goes out to mow while I get Luke changed and dressed. Clara and Luke play.

She found whacking him in the head to be very amusing. And, luckily, so did Luke.

10:00 - After more playing, I try putting Luke down again.

10:30 - Since I'm feeling stressed for no apparent reason (I swear it's hormones), Ryan comes back in and gives the kids breakfast (Luke never fell asleep), while I take a shower. Both kids get fruit, Clara eats two eggs, and Luke has some scrambled egg yolk.

11:00 - I start on dinner by making a pesto sauce. In a total lapse of judgment, I use a quarter pound of parmesan cheese instead of a quarter cup. Oops.

11:30 - I eat a sandwich for breakfast. Or is it lunch at this point? Ryan folds laundry that's been sitting in laundry baskets for days and does more laundry.

12:00 - Luke goes down for a nap yet again. In order to not waste the entire batch of pesto, I decide to head to the grocery store to get TWO more bunches of basil to make up for my mistake. I guess we'll be freezing some!

12:30 - Return from the store to find Luke awake and sitting on Ryan's lap. Attempt number four failed. It's just one of those days! I nurse Luke and then more play time.

Lately Clara will stand at the door, holding a purse, and say, "Bye-bye!"

1:00 - An exhausted Luke goes down for a nap yet again (fingers crossed!). Clara has lunch while I finish the pesto and Ryan finishes mowing. She eats blueberries, banana, and leftover pizza from the night before.

2:00 - Ryan gives Clara a bath and I get her dressed while he showers and gets ready for work. Luke wakes up and he and Clara play.

2:15 - Ryan leaves for work.

2:45 - Clara goes down for her nap, much later than normal. Sometimes if she's happy and playing, I just put it off. The later she naps, the quicker dinner-time seems to come!

3:00 - Luke eats his lunch (a cut-up peach and blueberries) in his high chair while I clean the kitchen and make him some food for the next few days (more peach, which I lightly boil since it wasn't ripe, and sauteed squash cut in bite-size pieces). He is only happy in his high-chair while we're eating if he has food to feed himself, so I'm starting to come up with some ideas beyond blueberries and banana.

3:30 - Luke plays in the living room while I pick up our bedroom and make the bed.

4:00 - Nurse Luke and put him down for a nap.

4:30 - I go on the computer (to start this post actually), but I hear Luke starting to fuss in his crib. He never fell asleep.

4:45 - Luke's fussing gets louder and I go to get him. I nurse him at the computer as I continue typing, until he wants to play with the keyboard.

5:30 - Clara wakes up from her (late) nap and the babies play in the living room while we watch Dada on the news. The three of us share a banana. Clara seems especially fussy and I can see she is getting a molar, so I give her some ibuprofen.

6:30 - As I watch Luke crawling around the room, I realize he can now choose where to go and what to do and it fascinates me to see what he does. He spends a lot of time looking out the front door, one of Clara's favorite spots as well.

6:30 - I work on dinner (making chicken for chicken pesto pasta) while the babies play. I check on them every couple minutes, especially now that Luke is all over the place.

6:45 - I feed Luke some baby food.

7:00 - Crunch time. Change poopy diapers and put on jammies as both babies scream, all while starting water for pasta, getting chicken out of the oven, getting salads ready and making sure everything is ready right at the exact time. As this is happening, Ryan is texting me to tell me he now has to travel for work on Friday, meaning he'll be gone all day.

7:20 - Ryan arrives home for dinner and I hand him Luke as soon as he gets in the door. I work on some last minute preparations for dinner while Ryan gets both babies in their high chairs.

7:30 - As usual, the second I sit down, Clara puts her hands together to pray. Clara eats bow tie pasta with marinara sauce (I didn't try the pesto with her since I wasn't sure about nuts) and chicken, while Luke has squash. After eating most of it, he is clearly exhausted and starts crying mid-bite. I nurse him at the kitchen table as I finish eating. Oh, and the pesto was a success! Ryan raves about it. Good thing, since we're going to be having it a lot in the coming weeks ;)

8:00 - Luke is sound asleep on me so I put him in his crib. Ryan brushes Clara's teeth, puts her to bed, and then he returns to work. As I clean up from dinner, I hear Luke crying in his crib. I told you it was one of those days!

8:15 - I get Luke and nurse him while watching Bachelor Pad. I swear Luke has a thing for prime-time programming.

8:45 - I put Luke back to bed, and I have a good feeling about it this time. Clara, meanwhile, has been jumping in her crib for about 45 minutes now.

9:00 - In our bedroom watching TV and blogging.

9:30 - Ice cream time! Did I mention I can have dairy again? Let's just say I've been making up for lost time ;)

When I knew

2011-08-15T22:44:00.002-04:00

Today I took part in a study on infertility. During the phone interview, I recounted my entire experience, from start to finish, and you know what was the only part that made me tear up? When the researcher asked if I ever thought I might be infertile when I was younger and I told her about the first time I knew.

I was a freshman in college, sitting in my dorm room, watching an episode of Party of Five. I remember it was at the very end of the hour, when Kirsten tells Charlie she can't have kids. I remember crying. To this day, although I hadn't watched the scene in years, I could still picture it - it was nighttime, the music was playing, Kirsten was lying down, teary eyed, depressed. I can remember the fear, the heartache I felt for a moment. I remember thinking that being in that character's shoes was the worst thing ever.

I don't think I had ever before contemplated the possibility of not being able to have children until that moment, watching that episode. And then once it became a possibility to me, something that was out there, I just knew. I knew that it was my new worst fear, and I knew it would happen to me. I cried and cried, and my roommate probably thought I was nuts (she was my friend from home, though, so she already knew I was nuts).

That scene has always stuck with me, and recalling it would make me well up with tears. So today, after getting choked up recounting the episode (and being totally fine talking about the five years of infertility we dealt with, oddly enough), I decided to google it. I had tried before with no luck, but this time I found it. Skip ahead to 5:48 to watch the exact part I'm talking about:

She was sad. I don't know what it is about that word, but I just feel like it really sums it up. Yes, I was jealous, bitter, angry, depressed... I could go on and on and on. But something about being sad just captures it all. Sadness was really my predominate emotion during those five years. It's so simple, yet so complex.

I don't remember the first time I got worried that I wasn't yet pregnant, or the first time a doctor mentioned infertility. But I have always remembered this episode. I think it's because for me, this was the first time I knew.

So nine years before I would discover I was infertile, before I knew what it was really like to be in that character's shoes, and fourteen years before I would have a nearly six-year-long struggle behind me, somehow those two minutes struck a chord in me. And for some reason, they still do.

Interesting conversation

2011-08-11T23:26:00.003-04:00

My neighbor (who we talk to only a few times a year, yelling across the street from our respective yards): Those aren't babies anymore!

Me (holding Luke, with Clara nearby): Ya... they're getting big!

Neighbor: We're expecting another one!

Me: Oh, congratulations!

Neighbor: And I just got fixed...

Me: (Stunned for a moment) I hope that happened after the pregnancy! Ha ha ha.

Neighbor: We thought we had done it in time, but apparently we didn't!

Me: (Nervous laugh) Huh... Well, congratulations!

This couple has three (I think?) kids already so this will be the fourth. Talk about close calls! That kid got in just in the knick of time.

And, yes, my response was pretty lame, but it wasn't exactly what I expected him to tell - or, rather, yell - to me in the middle of our neighborhood.

I've been thinking about it a lot, and of course I'm against getting "fixed" as a practicing Catholic, someone who is open to life, and as a former-infertile. But I've been trying to look at it from their perspective. I would have to guess they don't have a lot of money; our neighborhood isn't exactly wealthy. And I am willing to bet that their family of five is seen as rather large in their world. Their house is exactly like ours (if not a tiny bit bigger), so their kids have to already share rooms and a fourth will crowd it even more.

The idea of accepting as many children as God would give them is probably a foreign concept to them, I'm guessing. I know it is to the world at large. Lately, we have told quite a few people that that's our stance, and it's always met with curiosity, amazement or shock.

Case in point... We were at a wedding a couple months ago, sitting at a table full of my husband's co-workers, when talk turned to our family size.

Co-worker: Karey, now that you've had Luke, how many more do you want to have?

Me: As many as God gives us.

Co-worker: Haha.. no, really.

Me: No, really. As many as God give us. That could be ten, or that could be two.

Co-worker: I thought Ryan was kidding when he told us that!

(Aw, my husband talks about being open to God's will for our family, even when I'm not around. I love him!)

I actually didn't mind at all that that co-worker asked me about it. He seemed genuinely interested. And I also don't mind when people are surprised, as everyone at the table was. I know we live in a world where accepting as many children as God gives you is shocking. Now, I probably wouldn't enjoy being met with disgust, but that hasn't happened yet.

Although, I have had the "better you than me" remarks from strangers in the mall who see my double stroller with two little babies. They have even glared, in a way that would imply they are seeing my lovable little angels in a negative light.

But that's okay.

I take it all in stride. I'm just glad I have my babies for people to make those remarks about. I'm glad we have our fertility in tact (at least what there may be of it). I'm glad we have been taught about being open to life. And I'm glad we are open to life.

In the world we live in, it's so easy to not see the beauty in that.

It's all a blessing.

On homeschooling

2011-08-10T23:09:00.003-04:00

With Clara only a few months away from turning two, I think about her education often, and Luke's as well. Here's where we stand right now: I would love for her to attend a Catholic school, but we can't afford tuition (especially since we'll have two going back-to-back). I would like to homeschool, but don't think I'm cut out for it. And despite having attended public school from kindergarten through twelfth grade myself, a public education makes me nervous for a few reasons (some of which might not be rational, I will admit, but based on very personal experiences), not the least of which is the liberal agenda that I believe many public school educations include. That all being said, I have a number of thoughts swirling around in my head and I figured my blog was a great place to jot them down. I will, though, add that I am not debating different forms of education here. I'm just sorting through my thoughts as we make a very personal decision for our children.

I am in awe of homeschooling moms. It is so outside my skill set, that it's even hard for me to comprehend.

The problem with that is I wish with every fiber of my being that I could be one of them. And I've seriously contemplated trying - my tentative plan (based on nothing but my own hair-brained idea) is to homeschool Clara for preschool and then do a year of homeschool kindergarten the year before she would actually start kindergarten. She has a December birthday, so she'll start late anyways, so it would be a way to see if I could hack it.

But I'm starting to wonder if homeschooling is going to be possible.

Here's why...

First off, I hate reading. I know I'm in the minority and it's even taboo to admit that (I'm sure some of you will immediately think less of me!), but it's the truth. I can't concentrate enough to read and I don't feel like I retain anything. It causes me great stress, therefore I don't do it. Once a year (or, probably more accurately, once every other year) I'll read a book (fiction) and love it, but that's it.

So... not only does not being an avid reader make it difficult to prepare (I can't imagine reading books on how to homeschool), but how am I supposed to turn my kids on to reading? I shouldn't be the one teaching them about books. I don't want them to be like me. Life is easier for those who loves to read (or at least that's what I assume). And honestly, I don't know anything about literature, so there goes that.

Second, I am unmotivated, scatterbrained and continuously fatigued. I don't have any sort of routine and I tend to do things whenever I happen to remember to. I can't imagine making sure we get everything done we have to do, especially with (God willing) younger babies to tend to. I know so many others do it, but I don't think I can. I'm exhausted mothering two right now. I couldn't imagine these two, plus homeschooling an older sibling or two as well.

Third, I just don't think I'm smart enough. I used to be pretty smart when I was younger, but I swear I get less intelligent every year. I can't understand things like I used to. I listen to others talk and debate and I am just lost (or maybe it's that I'm disinterested?).

Fourth, I hated education. You know those people who get advanced degrees because they just love learning and hate the thought of leaving the academic world? Ya, that's not me. I always did great in school, always near the top, if not the top of my class, but I hated every minute of it (well, everything besides socialization). I just didn't like learning and couldn't wait to be finished with it. I would do homework at the absolute last minute and never study for tests. I can count on one hand the number of times I enjoyed learning (a couple semesters of high school math, come to mind). So with such a negative attitude about school, I just don't think I'm the best person to teach my children.

Fifth, even when I dream about homeschooling, I never see myself doing it for high school. Even on my good, confident days, it seems ridiculous to think I could teach them high school level classes. Yet, if you go by my reasons to not send them to public school (which I know I haven't really spelled out yet.. sorry!), then high school would be one of the most important times to homeschool. If I'm just going to have to send them to a public high school anyways (even if we could afford Catholic elementary school, there's no way we could afford high school), why am I bothering to homeschool at all?

So those are the reasons that come to mind tonight. Sometimes I think, "Okay, I can do this.. we'll just do our best version of it and it might not be perfect, but I'm sure I'm not the first person with my personality type to homeschool..." and then I read posts about homeschooling and realize I would be so out of my league. I don't understand the language. It makes my head spin. And shouldn't it get me excited?

You're probably reading this thinking, why is she even considering it then? Well, I want to homeschool. I want to be that person who can. I want my kids to be homeschooled. And until a couple days ago, I thought I could. I thought I could because I saw no other option. I was just going to do it.

But then I talked with my husband the other night, and he reminded me of his position on it - that he just doesn't want to put that on me. Well, that's nice of him but, again, I didn't see any other option.

Today, though, I thought about it more and more. Maybe I am trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. Maybe I'm not cut out for homeschooling. And maybe that's okay.

As soon as I let open that crack, the stress started to melt away. Maybe God has something different in mind for our family. Or maybe not. We'll just have to see where He leads us.

We have a lot of time to think about it. Maybe I'll eventually come to a place where I can homeschool. I don't know. But, in the meantime, I have a lot of time to pray we can somehow send them to Catholic school!

A few updates

2011-08-09T23:34:00.003-04:00

Just living life over here in our little world. Here's what we've been up to...

* It took Luke until his sixth tooth to bite me while nursing. Sweet little boy. And when I scream, he just looks up at me, curiously, and gets a big smile on his face. Not a I-just-bit-you-and-I-think-it's-funny-you're-in-pain smile, of course, but a I'm-just-happy-and-love-you-and-like-to-smile smile. And then the pain suddenly disappears... until he bites me a minute later.

Luckily, I have figured out a pattern - he only bites when I nurse him after he's been chewing food, like blueberries or puffs. He's just in that mode. So, it's safe to say, I am no longer nursing him after he's been chewing!

* I don't believe I've posted any pictures from our trip to the Pittsburgh Zoo and Aquarium on either of my blogs. And I can't deprive the blog world of a few zoo trip pictures! Ha ha ha...

LOVE our stroller.

Clara now stops everything when a commercial for our local zoo comes on and says, "woah!" Guess where we'll be heading soon :)

* Luke is pulling up in his crib. He gets himself up, then just stands there and cries. He doesn't know how to get back down, or maybe just doesn't want to (he only does it at the side of the crib closest to the door... he is definitely calling to us!). The poor guy has bruises all over his head from the process of pulling up in the dark.

Notice the pink sheet. You can tell he's got a big sister.

I'm hoping this phase doesn't last too long, but it's already gone on longer than I expected (we're in the process of trying to get him to sleep as I type.. he keeps pulling up and crying, we keep laying him back down). He's getting a lot of practice pulling up during the day, but it doesn't seem to be helping just yet.

* Clara is getting a molar. Last night we had some "family time" around 1 a.m. when Luke was up and then Clara woke up screaming in pain. The four of us watched an episode of Backyardigans and Clara had some Baby Motrin, followed by a popsicle. Perfect antidote to teething! Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

* We had a big prayer answered today and we are so grateful. I have to admit, I wasn't sure we'd hear a "yes" on this one. Even when I prayed, I felt like I was asking for too much. But, lo and behold, we were blessed today. Thank you, God.

* Anyone know if this means anything in baby sign language?

Clara started doing it recently and, yes, it more than likely is just that she likes to move her arms like that. But she only does it when we're talking about the other signs she knows ("more" and "all done"), so it got me wondering. It wouldn't be the first time she knew something I didn't know she knew.

* I cannot wait for L from GIMH's baby to get here! I am so excited. I can't wait to meet the little babe and to snuggle ~~her~~ him/her! I was in our attic today getting down some newborn girl clothes for her (just in case) when I had the realization that I am the sort of person who has baby clothes in my attic. When did that happen? Anyway, I can't wait to hear the good news, so please join me in praying for the baby's birth, the birthmother's health and well-being, safe travel for L and her family, and for that sweet baby to come home safe and sound.

Overdue

2011-08-05T21:11:00.001-04:00

So I'm long overdue in sharing this, but better late than never!

As some of you may know, I am not the only blogger in the family. My husband has a political news blog that he writes as part of his job as a news anchor and reporter here in Richmond. He's really, really great at what he does and has scored some pretty big interviews (um.. the president).

Being the humble guy that he is, he likes to say that he's just in the right place at the right time.

But I know that he hasn't gotten where he is simply because of timing. He's driven, extremely hardworking (working from home all the time, I might add), and has carved out his own path. No one handed him this blog; he started it from the ground up and grew it to where it is today by asking the important players the tough questions and breaking news that gets attention on the national level.

Thankfully, he's getting some much deserved attention as of late, and was recently named as one of Politico's 50 Politicos to Watch. Others on the list with him - Fred Thompson, David Gregory and Mark Knoller. Pretty good company!

They wrote a glowing article on him that we got to read for the first time at a big swanky party in D.C. announcing this year's list. And we were surprised, to say the least, when we opened the magazine and saw how he was really highlighted with the article and a huge photo as well.

The party was a lot of fun. Definitely a change of pace from what I'm normally doing on a Thursday night (and thanks to fellow-blogger GIMH for watching my babies!). I got to get dressed up, and we spent the evening people-watching (some very big media celebrities were on hand!) and soaking up the hip atmosphere (and open bar!).

We took home some goody bags (which had some delicious chocolate chip cookies that got us through the drive up north the next day!) and got enough copies of the magazine to give our family.

I'm just so proud of Ryan for this huge accomplishment. And for working so hard for his family!

Our little surprise is growing up

2011-07-27T21:32:00.001-04:00

A little someone turned eight months old yesterday (you can read more about it here).

It truly never gets old. That he's here, that we have two babies. That God surprised us like this.

And you know what? You know that feeling a lot of us infertile girls have experienced, the one where you're sitting around minding your own business and all of a sudden that fact that you are infertile and may never be a mother comes rushing at you full force? I used to hate that. As if I didn't think about it enough, it would suddenly be even clearer and cut even deeper in those moments.

Well, that feeling has been replaced by the sudden realization that I did conceive. That I got a positive test and was pregnant for nine months and now he's here and his name is Luke. As if I don't already know that, sometimes it just hits me and I get butterflies all over again, just like when I first got that positive test.

And just like when I first became a mother and would look down at my teeny Clara and simply not believe it.

I know not everyone recovers emotionally from infertility like I have, and I am thankful every day that it doesn't haunt me. I hope that doesn't hurt anyone for me to say that; I know I used to love hearing that someone hardly had any infertility scars. Yes, it did shape me and change me in ways before unimaginable. And of course, we wouldn't have Clara without it, so for that I will never wish it away. But I just can't have it live with me all the time. It was there for a long while and now it's gone.

And if I'm ever worried about there being no scars, well, I just have to look down and see the big one on my abdomen. That one's not going away no matter how joyful my life is. And that's okay. It got me where I am today.

And where I am is a fabulous place. Filled with runny noses, and kisses, and blueberry stains on just about everything.

I wish everyone could be where I am. It used to cause me so much pain wondering why some were plucked from infertility, while I still floundered there. And it's no more clear today why I was one of the "lucky" ones.

But I know that God is with us all and hasn't abandoned any of us. That was the message I received nearly two years ago, days before the birth of a baby I didn't yet know existed and who would make me a mother in five short weeks.

God is full of surprises. One of mine is now eight months and I'm so thankful for him every day.

"And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God." Luke 1:37

Adoption Q & A

2011-07-15T21:47:00.002-04:00

Today, fellow blogger (and in-real-life friend) Grace In My Heart posted some questions about adoption. The questions are ones that she has gotten from others who are discerning the process. Questions I'm sure most of us adoptive mothers had at some point, ourselves.

Instead of just answering them herself - which I'm sure she will do a fabulous job of - she is posing the questions to all of us other adoptive moms out there as well, in the hope that we all, together, can provide a wide array of viewpoints. After all, if we were all in the same room (instead of online on our separate blogs) we could talk for HOURS, I'm sure.

So, thanks GIMH, for asking us! And without further ado, here are my answers...

Questions for Adoptive Mothers for those Discerning Adoption:

How did you know when to begin the adoption process?

Honestly, I didn't know. And that was one of my biggest stumbling blocks. I hemmed and hawed over whether I was on the path God wanted me on... what type of adoption should we do... should we wait a year... and so on and so forth. And then there were all those questions I struggled with like will I love the child?... will he/she love me?... will our families love him/her? Not to mention, am I starting at the exact right moment in time to adopt my child? Oh, the weight of it all can be crushing!

What finally convinced me to start the process (and I say "me" because my husband was on board to begin whenever I said the word), was when I realized that by delaying things I was keeping my husband from becoming a father. He was ready, and I didn't have any good reasons to keep putting it off. He wasn't complaining, of course. He would have waited as long as it took me to come around, but I didn't want to do that to him any longer.

So, through a ton of prayer (specifically, prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament helped immensely), I finally decided to take a leap of faith.

Did you ever feel like you failed at TTC (and were giving up "trying") so that's why you adopted? What suggestions do you have for those working through these emotions?

I most definitely did not feel like we were adopting because we had failed at conceiving. Yes, I believe those two things are intrinsically connected (we would not have our precious daughter if I had been super fertile from day one) but knew were weren't going to stop doctors appointments, medications and treatments just because we started the home study process (it actually rubbed me the wrong way when some agencies would require you to stop fertility treatments once you signed on with them. Although I always wondered if that rule was designed for artificial reproductive technologies, and not for things like treating painful endometriosis). We wanted to be open to however God wanted to grow our family.

I do see another way to look at this question though - more like, did I think I was conceding something by starting the adoption process. And, in a way, I'd have to say 'yes'. Maybe not once we actually started the process, but it was one of the reasons it probably took me so long to start in the first place. For a while, I probably hoped every month I'd be pregnant so we wouldn't have to start the adoption process. But after I'd been at it long enough, I think I started to realize that being a mother was what I wanted most of all. My prayer turned from "God, please let me get pregnant" to "God, please grow my family." I remember where I was when that switch flipped. It was a big moment in my infertility journey.

And that's the suggestion I'd give to those who are seriously discerning adoption but may not be ready to let the dream of conceiving go just yet: Ask yourself what's most important. Is it carrying a child in your womb? Is it being able to birth a child? Is it having a baby that is the perfect blending of you and your husband? Or is it being a mother? There is nothing wrong with wanting all of those things. They are wonderful and noble and beautiful. But, eventually, you may come to the conclusion that being a mother edges out the others.

(And, on a side note - please keep in mind that I am not in any way saying all infertile women need to ask themselves those questions. I know adoption isn't for everyone. But for those trying to discern adoption, I just wanted to convey what worked for me.)

Were you and your husband on the same page about adoption? What suggestions do you have for a spouse who may not be as excited as the other about adoption?

Thankfully, we were on the same page. Well, actually, I was probably the spouse not as excited about adoption! So, I should defer to Ryan for this question. And, because after nearly seven years of marriage I can speak for him, I know he would say to be patient. And that he loved me so much that he would have waited for ever. What he wanted more than anything in the world, more than a child, was for me to be happy.

How did you work through figuring out where to adopt from, how open to be, and what type of communication to have with your child's birthparents?

We just prayed and prayed about it, and eventually decided to pursue domestic adoption with a local agency. Over the years we had sat through a number of informational sessions with various agencies, including two for international adoption, but the cost is what was the determining factor in our final decision.

As for the type of communication, we knew we would potentially be approached with a situation that was more on the "open" side and we didn't want to rule anything out ahead of time, but we both agreed we would prefer one that was more "closed." In the end, our adoption is closed. We never turned one down because it was open, and it wasn't our decision that our current one is closed. It ended up being out of our hands.

Adoption can be really expensive. What recommendations do you have to work through the financial aspect of it all?

Pray! I know this may sound trite but, honestly, if it wasn't for God's abundant grace we wouldn't have been able to afford our adoption. We shouldn't have been able to afford our adoption. You see, we were prepared to pay what our agency charged, which was a lot less than what our actual adoption cost. Yet the money came in the form of loans and gifts and we knew we had to move forward.

I know not everyone will have money fall from the sky, so I don't pretend to think it's always as simple as that either. But I say that just so you don't rule it out. Listen to God, because He may be nudging you in a direction like fundraising, or a generous relative, or even strangers.

Do you truly feel like a mother even though you didn't give birth? If you've never been pregnant, do you feel like you missed out on this experience?

I am 100% Clara's mother, completely and without a doubt. You know when that fear (that I might not feel like her mother because I didn't birth her) went out the window? When I was the one waking up with her in the middle of the night changing her poopy diapers. All babies are totally reliant on others, they literally cannot survive without someone caring for them around the clock. And when that someone is you, you know you are their parent.

Do I wish sometimes that I had carried Clara in my womb? Of course. That was a precious time that another woman got to share with her (although thank God that she did) and, after going through pregnancy myself, I know how special it is to feel those kicks and know you are growing that baby. But the truth of the matter - what I always come back to - is that Clara wouldn't be in this world if another woman hadn't carried her. Me and Ryan couldn't have created Clara. And I'd trade that any day to have her here.

What prayers and/or books do you recommend for those discerning whether or not to pursue adoption?

I didn't read any books (not a big reader), but I did pray a ton. I would recommend, first and foremost, prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament. That's what helped us the most.

Another recommendation I have is to meet and spend time with people who have adopted or are adopted. For me, adoption was something I had no real-life experience with. And the more I discerned it, the more it seemed like this abstract concept that I wasn't sure I could actually see myself being a part of. But when I spent time with adoptive families, I was brought back down to reality. I knew I could do it. And when I saw those beautiful children I knew I could take one home with me and be happy forever.

What has been the best part about being an adoptive mother?

The best part, without a doubt, is looking at this face every day...

...and having her blow kisses back at me. There's nothing like it in the whole world.

An unexpected look-alike

2011-07-12T00:14:00.004-04:00

In the years that I discerned adoption, I wrestled with a lot of issues. One of them was that I didn't want our child to look like us.

I know. That's not exactly a normal item on a prospective adoptive parent's check-list.

I just had this hang-up that I didn't want to blend in and appear to be a "normal" family. I thought I wouldn't want to be mistaken for a fertile because I most definitely was not one. I wouldn't want to have an awkward conversation about adoption when someone mistook my kids for being biologically related. I wanted people to see us coming and not have to wonder.

How things have changed.

It turns out I don't care about any of that. I love being an adoptive family. There are no avoid awkward conversations to be had. We embrace the fact that our daughter is adopted and talk about it freely, but I also don't mind if someone doesn't realize that she is.

And, interestingly enough, that usually ends up being what happens.

I don't know if you see it, but many people think Clara looks like me. We hear it all the time. Just yesterday, in fact.

As we were talking with a woman and her husband for the first time yesterday morning, they were surprised to learn that Clara was adopted. She looked so much like me, they said, that they never would have guessed it.

I know that sometimes people see things that aren't there simply because their brain tells them to connect the dots. We appeared to be your average biological family to that woman; no one had mentioned ahead of time we had adopted our daughter, so why would she assume it? Our matching brown hair and eyes is enough to not cause anyone to question it. But I don't know. I am starting to see it more and more.

The funniest time I was mistaken for her biological mother was when Ryan was telling someone how his daughter was half Mexican. Minutes later when I walked up, the man - not knowing Clara was adopted - started speaking to me in Spanish! I loved being mistaken for a Mexican woman! (Okay, I should add that it was dark out and he couldn't really see me, but I like to pretend he thought I was exotic looking! We still laugh about it.)

We also get comments from those who know she is adopted. They say she has my smile (although that can be mimicked, I think) and my eyes. It's interesting, though, because sometimes people seem hesitant to point it out. I wonder if they're afraid I might be offended, like I might think they're placing an importance on looking alike and the superiority of being biologically related. I don't mind it at all though. I think it's pretty neat.

I wonder if Clara will think it's neat. She might... I'm not sure. But I do know that we'll never make a huge deal out of it either way. We won't be hyper-focused on her looking like us, as if that's something to be desired - Lord knows it's not! Haha ;) - but at the same time, we won't downplay or avoid the comparisons either. They are what they are - funny and interesting observations that make us smile and don't offend us one tiny bit.

I love it actually, because I think Clara is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I couldn't receive a bigger compliment.

What's been going on

2011-07-07T20:59:00.002-04:00

I've been gone a while! From the blog, and from home. But I'm back, both at home and now here.

There's a lot to update, so here's a glimpse at what has transpired while I was away...

1. My baby sister got married, which is why the babies and I were out of town. We spent the week before the wedding at my parents and then Ryan drove overnight to meet us there the morning of the wedding (random t.v. news trivia of the day: news anchors can not take vacation days during ratings periods).

I spent the week leading up to the wedding playing wedding planner (well, weeks actually), which I really enjoy. I took these photos of the couple which were used as their table numbers:

Interestingly enough, my dad found this idea!

Also made this card box:

Who knew wrapping a round box was SO difficult?

The day, itself, was beautiful. The Mass was held in our hometown, the same church where Ryan and I were married, and the reception was at a really ritzy hotel in Cooperstown, NY, and it was easily the nicest wedding I've ever attended. Here's a look at the day:

We walked down the aisle Royal-Wedding style. I would be Pippa.

After Clara did a face-plant off the step, we decided I would hold her hand.

Me and my southern gentleman.

The family shot. You can't really tell, but they are wearing matching father-and-son ties.

The happy couple.

You can't really see her tiara here, but it led to a lot of little girls wedding-crashing and wanting a picture with "the princess"

My awesome parents. This was officially the last wedding they had to pay for.

My in-laws made it up for the big day!

The whole family, the day after the wedding. It was my mom's vision, although she later told me she pictured like 30 people in the shot. What?! Haha!

I love these two.

Congratulations, Mr. & Mrs. Baker!

2. Luke got his first tooth. And he wasn't, surprisingly, even that crabby. Clara apparently also got two teeth, which I only discovered when we were sticking our fingers in each others mouths in the back seat on the ride home to VA. I still haven't really gotten a good glimpse at them yet.

My sweet boy. If you zoom WAY in, you can see his new toofer.

3. I'm sick. Again. This time I'm being treated for strep throat even though I tested negative. I think I've spent the better part of the last three months sick. But, thankfully, I was healthy last week at my parents'. Maybe it's VA, or my house! Let's hope not. I'm just praying the kids don't get it. But with all the kissing we do (I can't help it!), it's probably inevitable.

4. Luke slept in a pack-n-play at my parents' and ended up in bed with me every night. I probably could have let him cry a little and fall back asleep, but it's so hard when there are others in the house who don't normally have a baby crying at night.

It's all good, though, because thanks be to God he went back to sleeping normal in his crib immediately. Even the night we first got home and it was past his bed time, he got right in his crib and was out. Naps have even been good. Baby boy missed his crib.

5. I actually thought I might be pregnant this month. Despite my first four postpartum cycles being normal lengths (lasting between 28 and 30 days), I made it to cycle day 41 this time around. So I can't say I wasn't thinking of baby names. Haha. Turns out I was just having a wacky breastfeeding cycle. Which is kind of odd, since Luke started sleeping through the night in June and you'd think that would make me more normal, not less. Speaking of that...

6. Luke lost a pound. Please tell me that is perfectly normal! Please! My mom, a nurse, assures me it is. He's still more than double his birth weight and he is the picture of health. His poops are fine and he's eating normal (breastfeeding and baby food). I'm wondering if it's because of losing those night feedings, coupled with being way more active (not only during the day, but he rolls a lot in his crib too). And maybe getting longer?

6. We have a new bathroom! You see, we live in a very small, one-bathroom house and that one bathroom is teeny tiny. Whatever you are picturing, I'm sure it's smaller. It's hard enough for the four of us, let alone when people come to visit. And then there's the re-sale value (we're just going to pretend that we're not going to be stuck here forever while the housing market never fully recovers).

So my father-in-law ever-so-generously agreed to put in a half-bath in our laundry room. Here's the "before":

What a mess! How very embarrassing.

This is the "during" shot:

He replaced the door with a window, added a tile floor, and many other things you can't see here but which took many hours and lots of hard work.

And the "after":

Yay!

I love it! Our laundry/junk room is now a serene, relaxing bathroom/laundry room. It almost makes me want to do laundry! Almost.

I'm sure after I hit "publish" I'll think of many other things that have transpired over the last couple of weeks, but I'm also sure you'll live even if you never know them. Hopefully I'll resume posting again in the next couple days, but I'm sure you'll be fine without that too! :)

My babies' daddy

2011-06-20T23:52:00.000-04:00

When I met my husband 12 years ago (nearly to the day today), I knew right away he'd make a great father.

And I remember clearly the reason why - he was funny.

As someone prone to stress and seriousness, I knew I needed someone to lighten the mood, and I dreamed of a playful, fun-loving dad for my kids. For some reason I always had a particular scenario in my mind of Ryan and I on a long car ride (perhaps due to memories of car trips as a kid being terrible...whose aren't?) with our kids in the backseat starting to get antsy, and Ryan calming them down with some silly joke or song.

Well, the more I got to know him better, as with anyone, I discovered Ryan actually isn't calm and collected 100% of the time. And I'm sure he's bound to lose it on a long trip sometime in the future. But he is the fun, playful dad I dreamed of. He's not afraid to act like a kid around the babies, and he's always making Clara laugh. She probably thinks his voice is two octaves higher than it actually is from the way he talks to her in funny voices.

And Clara worships him. She calls for him every time she wakes up. She runs to the front door and stands, perfectly still (no small feat for a toddler), watching him get into his truck and back out of our driveway, twice a day, every day. She lights up when he comes on t.v., loudly proclaiming, "Daddy! Daddy!" And you should see the way she looks at him when he walks in a room. Pure love.

They have a special bond, those two.

I am absolutely in love with the way Clara loves her father (and, I have assured him, Luke will feel the same way soon.. probably around the time he's weaned).

And while I love the way he jokes with her and makes her giggle uncontrollably, no longer is his sense of humor the main reason I'm glad I chose him for my kids' dad. Even better than all that (which is pretty darn good) is how he protects us, provides for us, and worries about the bigger picture so we don't have to.

In particular, I love that Clara and Luke's father has planned and worked hard to allow me to stay at home with them. I love that he works two jobs. I love that he doesn't mind not having the best things (if I worked he'd have an iPad by now, just about the only material item he has any desire for in the world). I love that we're on the same page, and that it was never even a discussion whether we'd live on one income.

And recently he said something that nearly made me swoon, one of the sweetest things he's ever said: That he'd want me to stay home even if I didn't want to.

Okay, you might think either he or I am nuts if you don't feel the same way about that statement (and that he's controlling, which couldn't be further from the truth). But as someone who loves staying home, hearing my husband say that was like music to my ears. That he felt that strongly about it. Ahh! I just love that.

And I am so terrible. I complain about our small house, our yard, our neighborhood. That we don't have a van. I spend a lot of time complaining about what we don't have. I even - get this - complain about him being gone at his second job.

When I write it all down like that it makes me cringe.

It's not easy being the family's sole earner, all that weight on his shoulders alone. That's one big thing I've learned since becoming a parent - that Ryan has pressures I'll never know. It effects men at their core, the innate desire to take care of their family. He's driven by that.

And the fact that me and the babies just see the results - the home, the food, the clothes, the fun extras - and not the negative effects of the stress he's under... well, it's all part of the great dad that he is.

So on this Father's Day (a day late), I am so totally grateful for my husband. For his humor, his love, his hard work, his drive, his protection, and that he lets me stay home to raise our children, despite not getting that iPad he wouldn't mind having ;). We love him so much and I thank God he's my babies' daddy.

Our girl

2011-06-17T21:53:00.001-04:00

I have been meaning to mark Clara turning a year-and-a-half, but things have been busy lately.

She's well past that milestone now, but that's okay. Better late than never.

We are absolutely loving this age. She cracks us up all day long. Like this... her version of hanging your Rosary on your rearview mirror:

I love finding out every day what new words and sentences she has decided to try out on us. Her old stand-by's are "Here you go" and "There you go." Another favorite is "me," which she just started saying out of the blue last month. She goes around saying it, asking you to pick her up. How can we resist?

Oh, and "Good girl." She says that every time she does something naughty.

She also loves blowing kisses, often with a big "muaaahhhh!" That's another thing she does when she's knows she's doing something wrong.

She loves, loves, loves to sing. She sings all day long. Sometimes it's songs I sing to her, and sometimes it's ones she makes up. Last night I heard her in her crib singing (very loudly), "Duckie! Duckie! Duckie!" (She sleeps with a stuffed duck). And she has the most precious little singing voice.

Speaking of music, she has an obsession lately - my iPhone and, more specifically, the iPod on my phone. She is constantly asking me to use it, which she does by singing her favorite song - Price Tag by Jessie J. Ever heard it? The chorus goes It's not about the money, money, money... (it's a pretty benign song, as far as music goes these days) so Clara goes around singing it constantly, Money, money, money, especially when she wants my phone so she can hear it. And it's amazing how she knows exactly how to use my iPhone, how to open the iPod, find her song. Especially because we never taught her!

We've started to slowly potty train her because she showed us she was interested. She even tells me when she's about to go, pointing to her diaper and saying the word for whatever it is she's about to do.

She's still a pipsqueak, weighing 22 pounds. But we found out at her last check up that she has grown taller.

It's so hard to believe she's the same baby girl who was born ten weeks early, weighing just three pounds. It's blessing she was as healthy as she was after she was born, left the NICU before even reaching her due date, and has thrived like she has. I don't think I really let the gravity of her prematurity sink in until recently. Perhaps because we didn't know her until she was safe and well. But ten weeks... Man that's early. She's a miracle.

She is the sweetest girl we know, and we literally thank God each and every day that she is in our life. Just tonight Ryan wondered out loud what it would be like if we never knew her. Thankfully, that's not something we'll ever have to worry about. God brought her to us, entrusted us with her care, and blessed us eternally. And by that I am so humbled.

Things are looking up

2011-06-16T22:21:00.003-04:00

Wow, it has gotten SO much better. It must be all your prayers!

Last night Luke fell asleep in about twenty minutes. But then a dog barked loudly right outside his window, waking him up, and he took another twenty to thirty minutes to fall asleep.

Big improvement! But, I wondered, had I imagined him being asleep after the initial twenty minutes? Maybe he had just calmed down momentarily and was never actually asleep? Or maybe he had been asleep, but it was a fluke? I didn't want to get my hopes up.

So then, I put him down tonight and....... he fell asleep in less than twenty minutes!! And that was after he only fussed in his crib. No crying!

Ahhh, what a wonderful feeling.

His look - unbuttoned and full of drool

He also napped today. He did cry for a little while, but at least it ended with a nice, long nap.

Thank God for sleeping babies. Thank God for time for me to clean, relax, regroup. These are the days when I think, A third? No problem!

It was a great day all around, actually, because Clara decided to finally say the magic words that melt a mama's heart:

What she's actually doing here is singing the song "Skinamarinky Dink." For months, when she'd sing the "I love you" part, she'd point to her eye and say "I...I...I..." and, no matter what, she wouldn't say the rest. We knew she could. She just knew we wanted it too much.

And then today, clear as can be (well, for a baby), she finished the lyric. And she pointed right at me (which is pretty amazing is because she's going through a major daddy phase right now).

Oh, those babies. They know just how to get you. Kind of like when Clara is in the middle of doing something she knows is wrong (while I'm nursing Luke) and starts blowing me kisses. That girl has got it figured out.

The babies begged me to do this for my sister's birthday yesterday

So thanks again for all your prayers and amazing advice and encouragement about Luke. And I'm hoping he's turned a corner and is realizing how awesome sleep is. Heck, I didn't discover that until my twenties, so if he has, he's way ahead of me!

Not doing too great in sleep-training land

2011-06-14T20:59:00.008-04:00

I have a problem.

It's Day 10 and Luke is still crying for up to an hour before falling asleep. It's driving me batty. And I don't know how this happened - how getting him to sleep in his crib by using a fairly conservative form of sleep training morphed into the harshest type of "Cry It Out" there is.

I didn't sign up for this. And I don't see an end in sight. Shouldn't he be taking less time to fall asleep by Day 10?

And then there are the naps. He's obviously tired, falling asleep, so I put him down in his crib. For the first few days, he cried about 15 minutes and then slept for up to two hours. Great. But then the crying got longer. The other day he cried for over an hour, so I went and got him (since that was roughly the length of time he'd nap anyway). He got tired a little while later, so I put him down again. He cried for over an hour again, so I got him up again. And then repeated it all a third time. I felt like all I did that day was listen to him cry.

(And yes, maybe going in and getting him is making it worse, but how long can I let him cry? It's a nap, not nighttime. And he wasn't winding down.)

Maybe I shouldn't even be admitting I let him cry that much.

I'm not sure what to do. About naps or nighttime. Ryan believes him crying for an hour every night is worth him sleeping through the night (although that's getting shorter and shorter too. The last two mornings he woke up at quarter to six). I'm not sure I agree. I just can't listen to my baby cry that much, at least not without the promise that soon he'll go down calmly and drift happily sleep.*

I am now sick with what he and Clara had (head cold, cough). I feel awful, so now I know what they must have felt like, poor babies. And he's not completely over it, which is probably affecting his sleep too.

I just feel like I'm barely hanging on emotionally. Plus, I'm losing my mind trying to take care of two babies while being sick. Wow, that's not easy. Today I took a non-drowsy allergy medication only to nearly fall asleep while taking care of them. Needless to say, I won't be taking that again. And this sickness comes after having the stomach bug last week. I can't call in sick to this job, which also happens to be the most difficult job I've ever had. Most rewarding too, but you know what I mean. Not easy to do while sick, especially since their safety and well-being depends on you being somewhat alert.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I'm not. I'm just saying all that to illustrate why I feel like I'm losing it.

Alright, Luke is finally asleep, after exactly an hour (it's pretty much like clockwork). Now I can go to bed. Thanks for reading my rant.

*After re-reading this and having calmed down a bit, I do want to add that I agree, overall, with Ryan that Luke does need to sleep in his crib. He's sleeping WAY more than he ever was before, and that's great. He so needed it. And stopping this is not an option. We can't lose all the great improvement Luke has made, which is why I think I'm having a hard time emotionally - because there is no choice to be made. I have to let him cry. I just really, really, really wish that tomorrow I'll put him down and he'll fall right asleep. I can dream.

Blogger babies

2011-06-10T22:04:00.000-04:00

When we started our blogs there were no babies...

Back in the day - L from GIMH; Amber's sister, C; Amber; and me.

And now there are four. (And one on the way - E is getting a baby brother or sister later this summer!)

Sometimes those pre-baby days seem so long ago, while other times it feels like just yesterday we were all waiting, and wondering when (and if) our babies would ever come.

But now they're here, enough to fill a baby pool.

And they're already getting so big.

I will always be amazed at how God can take so much suffering

And turn it into so much joy.

And it's just so fitting that they're best buds, isn't it?

Free time

2011-06-09T14:35:00.001-04:00

Does Luke look refreshed? Well-rested? Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?

Well, if he doesn't it's because he's a little sick. Of course, he comes down with a cough mid-sleep-training. That's okay, though, because he's still on his game, sleeping through the night every night so far. He's a little champ.

Still taking anywhere from 30-60 minutes to fall asleep, though, but that's okay. He's sleeping for 12 hours so that's what really matters. AND napping, which is what he is doing now (and so is Clara!).

My house is a different place when there are no babies awake. Gates are swung open. Door are unlocked. My arms are free. My shirt is on normal.

That's been the case every night this week and I haven't exactly known what to do with myself. The first two nights (nights three and four of sleep-training, when Ryan was back at work), I spent the evening on the couch watching TV. It took me until night three to realize that I could actually do something productive (ignorance was bliss).

I'm going to take this time to admit something that might shock some of you and will definitely make you think less of my homemaking prowess: My husband has been known to do most of the laundry around here.

It wasn't something that we agreed upon. Actually, it's even worse. The poor guy would wind up doing it because he simply needed clean clothes.

In my defense I cannot fold when the babies are awake. It's just a disaster. And I had been known to leave a wet load in the washer all day long because I did not have one single second to get to the laundry room.

So finally, on my third night of lying on the couch, it dawned upon me that this would be a perfect time to do laundry. And clean. And bake. And whatever else I had been previously unable to accomplish with a baby on my hip.

I think I'm going to feel so much better about my role in the family if I can handle the basic housekeeping duties. Not that I like cleaning - because I do NOT - but I also don't like feeling useless (yes, I know caring for a needy baby isn't nothing, but still. I know most of you handle the babies AND the home with ease).

And a clean home makes for a happy mommy, which leads to a happy daddy, and happy little ones.

Thank God for sleeping babies.

We've got a sleeper

2011-06-07T11:59:00.005-04:00

Oh, what a beautiful sight..

This photo was taken this morning, after Luke's third night of sleeping through the night.

That's right. Third night.

So it went down like this...

Night One was Saturday. We got him ready for bed and put him in his crib at eight (with no bed time to speak of, we wanted to ease into putting him down early). Ryan stayed in the room with him, laying on the guest bed, while I took off. I thought it best that I leave the house entirely, so I went to Toys R Us to get the kids a present (and make myself feel better about the whole thing) and pick up a pizza.

Before I even checked out, Ryan had texted to say Luke was asleep.

All in all, it took an hour and five minutes. About 15 of that was happy-time, cooing/whining in his crib. Another 20 was a mix of whining, crying, and silence. And roughly 30 of it was harder crying, mixed with silence and that glorious sound of winding-down-crying.

On Night One he woke up about once an hour for the first few hours. The first time it happened, he fell back asleep before we had even decided what to do about it (he probably wasn't ever actually awake). Each time took approximately two minutes.

He cried twice in the night, but he fell back asleep on his own within minutes. He woke for good around 7:30 the next morning.

We never went in his room (just when he was sound asleep to check on him. I did that a lot). We never picked him up.

Night Two was very similar. This time I was in the room with him. He took a little longer over all to fall asleep - about an hour and twenty minutes - but a lot of that time was spent whining and dozing off (plus he got wedged in the corner and I made the decision to move him out, which might have made things last longer).

This time he only woke up once while we were still up and only cried very briefly in the night once. He woke for the day at 9:50 a.m. (12-and-a-half hours!).

That brings us to Night Three. Last night was the first night Ryan had to work, but we planned it so that Luke and Clara would go to bed while he was home for dinner. I stayed in the room with Luke and he cried immediately this time; no cooing or whining, he just got right into it.

It took him exactly an hour to fall asleep. And it was by far the hardest night for me, too. Having the support of your husband, actually present in the house, is invaluable. Thankfully, Clara fell asleep and stayed asleep, so that helped a lot.

To my surprise, he stayed sound asleep until 2:30, when he cried very briefly and fell back asleep on his own. He did that again at 5 a.m., and then awoke for the day at 8:30.

So it's safe to say we are ecstatic. But... I am hoping that he falls asleep quicker tonight. We had two goals going in: The first was that he would fall asleep on his own in his crib, and the second was that he would stay asleep a reasonable length of time. He's all over that second goal, but the first one has room for improvement.

Although, I will say, 30-60 minutes to fall asleep is WAY better than I expected.

Other things we're doing, in case you're wondering: We play the Frank Sinatra channel on Sirius in his nursery. It's the only thing we have ever found that calms him down so we knew that would be a must. And in case I was questioning its effectiveness, he woke up last night when I was trying to turn down the volume and the signal was lost. Don't ask Ryan about my silent-but-angry reaction to that. I think it involved telling Sirius I was going to kill it.

I also put the shirt I wore that day in with Luke. Now, I will say that I am very, very conservative when it comes to what goes in my babies' cribs, which means basically nothing but them for the first year. I made an exception here, while watching him very closely on the monitor and in-room checks, and we pull it out after he's fallen asleep. He cuddles with it and it does seem to help.

So that's it. Our current "problem" is that since he's getting SO much sleep at night, he clearly wants to nap more during the day. But I think I read somewhere that working on night-sleeping and naps at the same time may be too overwhelming (not sure if for the baby or parents). He has tried to nurse when he's tired the last couple days, which is reinforcing the habit we're trying to break him of at night. So, that's all to say that Ryan's in his room with him right now trying to get him to nap in his crib. Hopefully that's the right decision.

Oh, and yes, I have a ton of time at night and I'm not sure what to do with myself! I know, I should go to bed. And I will eventually. I'm still stalking the monitor for the time being.

And while I thought I'd miss having Luke with me in bed, it's been a very smooth transition. I can sleep on my side, roll over, get up to pee if I want. It's the little things.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling downright refreshed. I showered before Luke even woke up. We went for a walk. A walk! I hadn't had the energy or motivation in ages.

Thank you all so, so much for your prayers and support. This is really an answer to prayer. Luke needed sleep so badly. It's evident by how long he's now sleeping that he requires much more than he was getting.

And with that, he's currently napping in the next room in his crib. What a miracle.

Big day at our house

2011-06-05T17:07:00.000-04:00

One of these babies slept through the night in his crib. The other one did a good job on her potty this morning.

I'll spare you the details of the latter, but I will elaborate on the former tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone for your advice and prayers! You all must have a direct line to God :)

I need a pep-talk

2011-06-02T16:10:00.002-04:00

Saturday begins Luke's sleep training. That is, if all goes as scheduled. I've had the stomach bug all week and although I do feel a little better today, if I'm not 100-percent this weekend I think we might have to push it back.

We originally picked this weekend because his pediatrician instructed us to wait until six months due to the possibility of some GI issues. Apparently the organs mature at six months and if it turns to be a more serious issue, then the problems may still exist. But if it is an issue of maturing, then sleep-training should be at least a little easier for us at this age. We'll see.

At the same time she told us to wait until six months, she also told us not to wait until seven or eights months because he'll be in the middle of that attachment phase. Nice, small window. Wonderful.

But... he had his six-month check up yesterday (I took him despite being sick. BIG mistake. I had interrupt the doctor and sit down at one point for fear of passing out) and it turns out our little guy is quite advanced. He has entered that attachment phase two months early.

The "good" news is that there is no longer a time crunch. If we have to wait, we can, because he's already in the middle of the phase where it's extremely difficult to sleep train.

As of right now, though, we are full-steam-ahead for this weekend (we picked a Saturday because Ryan works nights during the week and this will at least give me two nights where he'll be home with me to help with Clara). That's where the pep-talk comes in.

First, I think I should explain just how bad things are. Of course, "bad"is a relative term; my life is still absolutely wonderful. Still, baby needs to sleep.

Here's the situation: Luke doesn't sleep unless attached to my breast. That's it, plain and simple.

The only exception to that is in the car, where he will sleep ten or twenty minutes. But that's no way to live. I can't pack up two kids a couple times a day just to get him to sleep.

So what does that mean? That means I hardly ever put him down. A few times a day he will play on the floor, or in the exersaucer or johnny-jump-up. But he never sleeps except on me. Not during the day. Not at night.

And in case you are wondering, here are the answers to some frequently asked questions:

Can I put him down once he falls asleep on me? No. He wakes back up immediately.

Does he sleep in his crib? Ummm, no. I don't fit.

Does he sleep in bed with us? Yes, but again, it's only when attached to me. Literally.

Can his father rock him to sleep? No. I have literally begged my husband to try to pacify him with his nipple. The suggestion didn't go over well.

Do pacifiers work? No. We've tried different kinds to no avail.

A couple other tidbits: We have left the babies with friends/relatives a few times lately and each time Luke loses it and there is no consoling him. Even his grandma couldn't calm him down (I even pumped and left bottles, which he would not take).

And it's not just with baby-sitters. He cries if I pass him off to anyone else. It's really getting bad. And we know it's not a physiological problem because he stops crying and smiles the second he's in my arms.

Extremely rare moment where he went to someone else, my aunt.

I should also add that even his father can't calm him down. The other day, Ryan had him in the cry room at church. When I walked in, Luke, who was crying on the floor, looked up at me with his arms outstretched, saying "mmmmm... mmmmm..." Oh, goodness. I am putty in his hands.

So that's the story. We're pretty much resigned to the fact that sleep training is going to be a nightmare. You know how they say it will take anywhere from three to ten nights? Well, I will be shocked - shocked - if it only takes Luke ten nights. When we tried it a couple months ago, he cried for two hours only to fall asleep for 15 minutes and wake back up again.

And what do I mean by "sleep training"? As of right now, we have two possible plans, and they are both on the more conservative end of the spectrum. One involves checking on him every five minutes for the first 25 minutes, and then every half an hour after that. We plan to reassure him without picking him up. It's funny because when the pediatrician was talking to me about it, she said something about how we should go in and soothe him until he calms down. I felt like saying, excuse me? Calm down? Is that what other babies do? Because Luke will most definitely not calm down unless I feed him. Baby is going to scream for hours on end.

Our other possible plan is for me to lay on the guest bed in his nursery the entire time, reassuring him every so often. He's smart enough to know I'm there, that he's not being abandoned.

So here's where the pep-talk comes in. Sleep-training any baby requires a great deal of fortitude. It's going to be personal hell for me to listen to my baby scream. I'm going to doubt we're doing the right thing (even though I know we are) and I'm going to want to pick him up and nurse him.

I'm also going to think that he's the worst-case scenario and that he's not sleep-trainable. I know he's going to cry for two hours only to sleep for ten minutes (our plan right now is to just keep doing that all night long), and I'm going to want to throw in the towel. How can I keep it up when he defies what even the books tell you?

So a pep-talk would be necessary no matter what. But guess what else I'm dealing with...

The other day, when I realized it was only a week away, I got emotional. For the first time I realized I'm going to miss him sleeping with me, and I cried. It's just so final. The days are dwindling away and now there are just two night left. I love my baby wanting me. Who wouldn't? Yes, it's tough at times, but I'm his mommy.

When I first realized my true feelings about this, I was laying in bed with him in the crook of my arm and his warm little baby arm was wrapped around my bare stomach as he was nursing. Ahhh.. what a heavenly feeling.

God is already answering my prayers, though, because I slept terribly the last two nights and woke with back aches. I know this has to be done. And I know he'll still be a mama's boy. He'll just be a mama's boy who can self-soothe and sleep in his crib.

I know we're doing the right thing. It isn't good for him to only sleep while nursing. It isn't good for him to not nap. And it isn't good for Clara to have a mother who only ever has a baby in her arms.

Now I just need to repeat that over and over to myself on Saturday night.

Prayer request *updated

2011-05-31T14:02:00.002-04:00

If you get a chance, could you say a prayer for my brother-in-law? He's at the hospital right now due to very severe abdominal pain. They're running tests to figure out the cause, and of course we are praying it's nothing serious and something that can be treated quickly and easily. Please pray also for my sister who is at the hospital with their baby daughter, not an easy place to spend the day with a 10-month-old. They don't live near any family and are dealing with all of this on their own.

Omnipotent and eternal God, the everlasting Salvation of those who believe, hear us on behalf of Thy sick servant, J, for whom we beg the aid of Thy pitying mercy, that, with his bodily health restored, he may give thanks to Thee in Thy church. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Thank you for your prayers!

*Update - They were sent home last night, and while some of the more serious things were ruled out (thank God), they have no idea what it is. He's still in some pain and we're still praying it will go away completely. Thank you for praying!

My husband, the actor

2011-05-29T16:48:00.000-04:00

I forgot to post the clip of Ryan on The Event, for those who missed it.

It was a lot longer, and closer-up, than we expected. I was so excited that I started cheering and missed the last part of what he said!

The best part was that I let Clara stay up to watch (Luke's always up) and as soon as he came on the screen she pointed and said, "Dada!" I couldn't believe it! I mean, she does that all the time when he's on the news, but it's hit-or-miss depending on whether she looks at the screen, so I didn't expect her to even notice his quick clip that night. But, to my delight, she did. And now it makes a cute story for when she's older.

Oh, our poor kids. When they're teenagers, their parents are going to pull out tapes like this one when their friends come over.

My little boy

2011-05-26T22:16:00.002-04:00

I have a little boy now.

And he has a big personality.

And a crazy big sis...

who he just adores.

She can't get enough of him either (first thing she says when she wakes up - "Baby? Baby?")

I have a six-months-old-today most-likely-red-headed boy, who is attached to his mama (literally), lights up when he sees his dada, hates being on his tummy, but is great at sitting up.

He adores his little tool bench, loves to laugh (just not when the camera is out) and lately perks up when the Backyardigans come on.

He's eating two jars of baby food a day, loves petting the cat, and has no idea how to fall asleep on his own.

We don't know what we ever did without him.

Happy 1/2 birthday, Luke! Hopefully the second half of the year will slow down just a tad.

Tonight's Big "Event"

2011-05-23T17:15:00.000-04:00

So I mentioned a couple weeks ago that there was something coming up with my husband that you'd be able to watch. Well, it's tonight!

That's right.. he's going to have a part on the NBC show The Event. It's on at nine. On NBC.

So apparently no one watches this show because a) everyone I tell about this says they've never heard of it and b) it's getting canceled. This is actually the last show ever. And thankfully Ryan had nothing to do with its cancellation. As far as we know :)

He's basically playing himself.. a t.v. news reporter. And the reason he was asked (at least from what I understand) was because his station dealt with the producers of the show when a premier of it was held nearby last Fall, and so they approached his station again when they needed some anchors to shoot some breaking news scenes.

So don't miss it! Ryan's national t.v. debut, tonight at nine on NBC!

Now I'm just hoping our antenna doesn't go out!

The window opens

2011-05-20T16:42:00.005-04:00

Luke's almost six months old, which means the window will soon be opening when I can try to get pregnant again.

My doctor told me she recommends waiting nine months after a c-section but then said something about six being safe under her breath, and that's all I needed to hear. Six it is!

I probably should clarify. "Try" might not be the best word. We're just going to remain open to life and see how God continues to grow our family.

I can't help but wonder about my current fertility, though. I conceived last year while taking no medications except metformin, cortisol and synthroid (all maintenance drugs), and there's a good chance I'll conceive in a similar way again. I've had regular cycles since Luke was three-months old (albeit with pretty late peak days) and I know exactly when I'm ovulating, which I never really could tell before. And all my doctors have always told me that the best fix for endometriosis is pregnancy, not to mention my OB said during my section that my pelvis looked beautiful. As of November 2010, I had no endo or adhesions.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing what happens, without all the despair, depression and stress for once. And with two under two, I think it'll be a long time before I start to get worried. All I have to do is look around at our chaotically wonderful home full of teething, crying, poopy babies hugging my legs and calling "Mama" to remember how blessed I already am.

After all, my youngest isn't even sleeping through the night yet. Who in their right mind wants to add pregnancy and another newborn to this?

I guess I'm not in my right mind. I just look at their faces and want more.

I never thought in a million years I'd be talking about this. Trying for our third? It's amazing.

I'll never get it

2011-05-11T23:45:00.000-04:00

As I was watching Luke in his "Johnny Jump Up" today, excitedly jumping away, I thought about how big he had become. And how, not too long ago, he had been teeny. The size of a grain of rice.

And how even when he was that small, he was always him.

Never someone or something else. To get rid of that clump of tissue would have been to get rid of Luke.

And then there's Clara. She's another story entirely.

It's so easy to judge someone who finds herself in a situation in which a "choice" needs to be made. But no matter what got her there, she chose life.

And that just blows my mind.

Even when she was the size of a grain of rice, she was still Clara.

And if not for a woman's courageous decision, we wouldn't know her. And our lives would never be as fun or as full.

And that's why I'll never get abortion.

Changes

2011-05-11T01:22:00.005-04:00

No, you're not in the wrong place.

I always said I liked consistency when it came to my blog. You could trust my blog. You knew what you were going to get when you clicked on it.

But lately I realized it was starting to look like it was designed in 1996.

I finally admitted change was necessary. Some assumed I would change the look when we brought Clara home, or when I was pregnant, or surely after Baby #2, aka Luke, was born. Well that would probably have made sense but I was pretty swamped. Even now this has been an absolutely crazy last twelve hours because I tried to fit designing a new blog header into my baby-filled day (and my computer's in our bedroom, which is NOT baby proof. Clara was seen running hysterically from the room several times today carrying a vial of Padre Pio oil).

So here I sit at one a.m. bringing my poor little corner of the blogosphere up to date.

My blog - like my life - has changed. Drastically. The pain of infertility has been replaced by the joys of motherhood (I just wrote a new "about me" page if you're interested, which details those changes and how this blog played a role in that).

What was once a place to come to and frantically type as I cried is now a place where I share stories about my beautiful babies (and only once in great a while [i.e. post partum] frantically type as I cry). My blog has never been more than a reflection of my life, and so those changes were never meant to hurt or offend anyone. I sincerely hope they haven't.

It was kind of sad removing my older header. The picture is on a long-gone hard drive and I couldn't recreate it if I wanted to. But that's okay. Just like moving our bed to another part of our bedroom completely re-engergized me this weekend, updating my blog design has already done the same. And now before I get too emotional over a silly blog, it's time to go to bed.

Thanks for reading. And, of course, before I go, here are some gratuitous shots of my kids...

That look of a boy who adores his big sister

Sweet boy

The bangs were looking good today, despite their apparent unevenness here

This is her current "I'm posing for you" look. Did she get that from us?