How I know there is a God

If I needed more proof that God is real, then I think I could use this as evidence...

While visiting my family in Upstate New York, we stopped by the Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha shrine today. After walking the Stations of the Cross, we came upon statues of Our Lady and St. Joseph glancing up at a crucifix.

That's when my rambunctious two-year-old daughter, who is smack-dab in the middle of the "terrible-twos" and who usually runs in the opposite direction of my camera, knelt down in prayer - completely unprompted - and stayed like that for a few minutes.

That's one thing. But then she became completely entranced. I can't remember the last time this girl stopped and sat still for this long (especially with no phone or TV show involved!).

I just kept taking photo after photo and she didn't even glance up at me. So I moved closer, and still she didn't budge. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but it was like she was some place else.

Then this...

...gave my mother and me chills.

I am telling you, this is not what a two-year-old does. Any mother of a toddler will tell you that. And in our house, bedtime prayers are often a fight. But today she was moved by something bigger, I am sure of it.

What I would give to know what she was thinking. Or what was being said to her.

"Let the children come to me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it."(Mark 10:14-15)

My two toddlers

My kids are getting so big. Yes, I still have one in diapers (and another who still poops in her pull-up, so...), but it just suddenly seems like they are no longer babies.

That may be because I have seen them around actual babies lately...

Although, in reality, his six-month-old cousin does weigh the same as him.

But it might also be because Luke is basically my second two-year-old lately. Our little Irish twins now might as well be real twins.

I'm not sure when it happened, but Luke and Clara are equally giving me a run for my money. They both fight bed time (oh, you have no idea what we are dealing with over here), throw tantrums (Clara still more than Luke, thankfully), fight with each other, inflict bodily harm upon each other, make it their job to never stay in naughty spot, and just generally wreak havoc on our house.

Not that you could tell from this...

Or, maybe you can. Is it just me, or do they even look like they're up to something here?

It's truly amazing how much the second child can rise (or drop, as the case may be) to the level of the first one.

And it's not all bad stuff. For instance, he is so verbal, which I'm assuming is because of her. I bet the influence is even greater than if she was a lot older than him. I think because of their closeness in age, he really feels like he needs to keep up with her.

And oh boy, does he ever. She is still more verbal than he is, of course, but he can definitely hold his own. I have even overheard them having conversations with each other, which the first time was the weirdest thing. My two itty-bitty babies saying, Clara:"You want to go outside, Lukie?" Luke:"I'll go outside." C:"Get your shoes." L:"Where my shoes?"

Weren't they just born? Now they conversating separate from their mother? Making plans?

Here's Luke at lunch today, telling me very matter-of-factly what he's doing...

And while I'm posting videos, here's Clara jumping in the pool yesterday. It was her third time in a big pool this summer and her first time jumping in. And let me tell you, she LOVES the pool and everything about it. She would live in the water if we let her. But when did she become big enough to do this??? Babies don't jump in the pool!



And with that nap time is over. It's been so long that I forgot how great it is to recharge during simultaneous naps. I could get used to this..

Checking in

Finally talked to my doctor today and he doesn't think my panic was due to any of the medications I was taking and then subsequently stopped taking (on my own). But he agreed that what is more important is that I think going off of them helped me. So I guess I'm just playing mind games with myself and as long as that works, then everyone's happy.

He also doesn't think it's hormonal (although he did say fluctuating hormones can definitely make it worse). My anxiety starts on cycle day one and lasts through ovulation. He said there's nothing he's ever heard of that would cause that. But, because he's open to trying things, he suggested I take the low-dose prozac he originally prescribed me for pms and take it the first two weeks of my cycle instead of the second two. So I'll probably be starting that soon.

I am disappointed that it might actually be from my brain, and not hormones that can be easily fixed with some medication. I'm disappointed it might not be from a medication.. a foreign substance that wasn't me, which I stopped taking and, in turn, stopped the anxiety. If it's in my brain, then it can come back any time and that scares me. 

I have dealt with serious anxiety two other times in my life. Once when I was 17 and once when I was 27 (apparently this current bout decided to arrive two years earlier than scheduled). Both of those times it lasted for months and then just became less and less over time until I realized one day that I had been normal for a while. I'm holding onto all hope that the same thing happens now. It's been three months since it started, so it could be coming to a close any day now. At least that's what I'm telling myself. 

Thankfully, I have felt mostly normal lately. Although my mom would tell you that I'm still texting her every day asking her to talk me down.. but seriously, I am WAY better than I was before. Most importantly, I am able to enjoy things and have positive emotions. When I was in the thick of it I had one emotional setting - terrified. That was it. 

I really have felt better lately though. One bright spot - and likely a huge help to my emotional state - is that we joined a gym. We never could afford it in the past, but thanks to the adoption tax credit we were able to pay off our debt, which freed up things for us. I'm seriously so thankful for that. I used to have such gym envy! Now we try to go every day, and we drop the kids off at the awesome gym daycare (which they LOVE) and Ryan and I work out together for an hour. We even taken the kids swimming there once a week, which is their new favorite thing.

Anyway, it was truly a Godsend because it's already helped me emotionally, and I pray it continues to do so. 

I'm so sorry this blog has become about anxiety. And that's when I actually do get around to posting. The only reason I am now is because my phone died and I couldn't find a charger and therefore was forced onto our desktop (which is where I blog).. and because Luke, who wouldn't nap, was sitting in my lap watching various renditions of America the Beautiful (his current favorite song, which he learned from the Obama ad where Mitt Romney is heard singing it) on YouTube and fell asleep to them. But when I get up to put him in his bed, he wakes up and says, "No Mommy! America! America!" How can I resist my little patriot? 

So, I'm sitting here with a sleeping baby on me, blogging once again about anxiety, and again, wanting to thank you for your prayers. Please, if you get a chance, perhaps offer one for me as cycle day one approaches. Severe panic began on two out of the last three cycle-day-ones and I'm obviously nervous, which probably makes it even more likely I'll get panicky on cycle day one! It really is a vicious cycle.

But I'm going to tell myself I'm fine. Everything is fine. I have anxiety and it's nothing more than that. My form of anxiety is actually really, really common. That's all it is. And maybe I'll really be surprised and be fine. It could happen, right?

And because I just can't post without a picture or two...