The Land of No Control

I'm trying to look on the bright side of yet another failed cycle. First of all, my luteal phase lasted 14 days. With last month's lasting only 11 and the previous cycle only a week, that is great news.

I had successfully convinced myself that it was great news last night, as I was obsessively counting the days on my chart (speaking of which, does anyone else count their luteal phase days over and over, hoping you might have skipped a day and 14 could suddenly become 15, in the hopes that it's inching closer to that magic 17? I do. It gets me really [needlessly] excited).

This morning, though, when cycle day one was confirmed, the bad news (still not pregnant after almost a year) began to topple my positive spin.

I'm just going to go ahead and get it out of the way. I'm going to let the reality that I am officially going through secondary infertility sink in so that I can deal with it and move on. I have feared it for so long that it's just looming and the questions of "do I?" or "don't I?" and "who am I kidding?" are always right there.

After all, I am of that age where I really only need to be trying for six months to be considered infertile.  But I was giving myself the benefit of the doubt since I am still breastfeeding. So, in my own little equation, advanced maternal age (ugh) was canceled out by nursing. So I bumped six months up to a year.

But that's next month - and I made up that rule anyway - so I'm just going to consider myself secondarily infertile. So, there you go.

I know I've said this before but it's worth repeating - this is no where near as crushing as the first time around. And, in a way, it's really as if it's the third time around because I already have two children. It's not lost on me whatsoever that I will never have to deal with wishing for a sibling for my only child. I really feel (which is ironic since it took us so long to become parents) like I got a head start when it comes to that.

God has blessed me so immensely that I will be fine if our family never grows again, if I never conceive and if we can never afford to adopt. I'll be fine, but I can't say I won't be disappointed at times. I definitely hope our family will grow, and by a lot. But whereas before, when I was childless, I was convinced I would most definitely not be okay if our family never grew, I know this time I will be fine (and, by the grace of God, I would have been okay then, too).

Practically speaking, I don't cry when a new cycle starts. Despair isn't on my radar. I might be in a bit of a bad mood for a day, but that could be chalked up to changing hormones.

That's a far cry from my infertility days when I felt as if I could barely breath.

If God chooses to stop growing our family at four members, I will be incredibly happy. But there's just that something. I know it's natural to want to add children (at least to those of us who value them) but, if I'm honest, it's more than that. I think it's the loss of control that is so hard to take. Or, I should say, not so much the "loss" of it, as feeling as though I might have had it there for a minute (when I did get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy), only to now lose it again. A one-way ticket back to the Land of No Control.

I know, in reality, I never had it. But when things go right, when you get your wish, when you appear to be a resident of the Land of the Fertile... you can fool yourself into thinking you are suddenly one of them, that you suddenly have gained control over your body and your reproductive organs. Because in all my dreams of how they live, in the Land of the Fertile, they always have total control and it is glorious.

When I stepped a foot into their world for a minute, the idea of getting pregnant when you want (which was, for me, as soon as I could) seemed a real possibility. The idea of many pregnancies, of babies in the future, of a large family, of filling up our house with children of all ages - because I wanted it - seemed to be there for the taking. I let myself believe it could be mine because I was in control.

Turned out I wasn't, after all. But the truth is, they don't have control. No one does. Some might act like they do, but I wouldn't do those things even if I were one of them. God is always in control. He was in control when I was infertile for nearly six years, He was in control when I was pregnant, and He has been in control ever since.

I'm trying to remind myself that there is no better side of the fence. There may be a Land of the Fertile, but just like the Land of the Infertile, it's securely under the jurisdiction of the Land of No Control.

I am, once again, being forced to rely completely on Jesus. Another example of God knowing what He's doing, because I would certainly take my fertility and run with it if I had the chance. I wouldn't look back. It's hard enough to grow spiritually when I am happily busy with two babies. I couldn't imagine if I got everything I wanted.

I know all fertiles don't think they're in control. That's just how I picture them in my daydreams, all of them sitting around deciding when to get pregnant and stuff. And I know they're not all spiritually stunted because of their fertility. And, of course, there are also the faithful Catholic ones, the ones on the other side of the coin, who really have to trust God to grow their families because of their fertility. While I'll never know what that's like, I know it must take an enormous amount of trust.

So as I start the process of tattooing Secondary Infertility across my forehead (maybe I should just make it my cover photo on facebook... just have it say, "Officially Infertility Again"), I will attempt to not squander this awesome opportunity that God has given me to grow spiritually. I'm pretty sure I was just thinking I need to anyway. Funny how that works.

And I'll keep thanking Him for the blessings in my life. For a great luteal phase, without taking any progesterone. For a loving husband who I get to watch be a father. And for my two incredible gifts, two more babies than, for a long time, I ever thought I'd have. And for once again being forced to face the fact, head on, that I have no control whatsoever. It's so much easier for me to give it all to Him when I have to.

Our books

A very special package came in the mail today. 

It's Luke's very own book. And it's actually the fourth book (so far) that tells the story of our family. We are building quite a library.

I decided a long time ago that I needed a book that would familiarize Clara with the story of her adoption. I feared her growing up without us ever remembering to talk about it. Does that sound weird? It's just that while it's such a hugely important part of our lives, we don't think about it every single day because we're just living life. Not to mention that I sometimes forget I didn't give birth to her! 

Our life with her is effortless, just as it should be. And I worried that in the beauty of that, I'd forget to tell her how she came to us and then one day, when she was twelve, I'd have to tell her everything. Okay, that would never actually happen, but it's just one of those things I feared as a new adoptive parent.

So, last April, when I received an email from a certain photo book company about a free photo book special they were offering, I jumped at the chance.

And soon, When God Gave Us Clara arrived to much fanfare. 

Let's just say it was a HUGE hit with Clara. What child wouldn't love to read a book filled with pictures of people they know? It sat on our mantle because of the paper pages and only came down when she asked (which was all the time) and mommy held it.

As she grew older and more independent, that proved problematic. The paper pages started to break loose from the binding and Clara was no longer content to have me hold it. 

Long overdue, I finally researched board book companies the week before Christmas and the new-and-improved second edition of When God Gave Us Clara arrived in time for the anniversary of the day we first met her. 

It's shorter and, unlike the first edition, actually cost money (though it was extremely reasonable), but we love it. It's durable and looks like we got it from a book store. And the best part is it just sits in the basket with all their other books and they pull it out to read it whenever they want. I actually caught Luke sitting in the corner reading it today, pointing out people in the pictures. 

I highly recommend the company (and yay for being in Upstate NY!). Among the many option they offer is a customizable book by a well-known children's book author that is super cute. I already gave one of those to my niece. 

Clara loves this book too. It's really about the story of her first year, which adoption happens to be a big part of. But it's also about her growing big, getting a little brother, and celebrating her first birthday. 

Her favorite part is pointing out all her relatives in the photos.

I knew all along that Luke would need his own book and what it would be called.

So when the same photo book company sent me another email about a free photo book offer, I hurried and designed Luke's. You can't beat free! Well, you could if I didn't have to pay eight dollars in shipping and tax, but that's a small price for what you get.

This time I got to correct all the things I didn't love about Clara's first edition, like making the photos and print bigger.

I was very happy with it when it came today and so was Luke.

Of course, it's those good ol' paper pages again and probably won't last very long, but that's okay. It'll hold him over until I make him a board book too.

Oh, and there's one other book, but this one I didn't have any part in ordering.

Ryan surprised me with this book for Christmas. It's all four parts of our adoption story as it appears on this blog. Apparently there's a company which can turn blogs into books. Pretty cool, huh? And so incredibly thoughtful of him. I absolutely love knowing I have our special life-changing story of meeting our precious daughter on a shelf in our home.

And, of course, one day when she outgrows the board book, she can move onto this.

Hopefully our collection will only grow over the years if God sees fit to give us more little miracles. But if not, all I have to do is turn to these books to remember just how blessed I already am.

Prayer buddy.. And a golfer's adoption

I had the honor of praying for K at Percolating Petals this Lent. I was thrilled to find out I had gotten her name because she truly seems like a genuinely great person. I have followed her story over the years and I've always admired how she handled infertility with such grace. And now I love seeing pictures of her sweet baby girl.

She and I are at similar points in our journey, so she was on my heart a lot this Lent. I prayed for her throughout the day, offered things up, and Clara, Luke and Ryan prayed for her before meals. Then, a week ago, I was devastated to read this post where she wrote about losing a baby to miscarriage in March. Please offer up a prayer for her and her family if you get a chance.

K, I am so glad I was able to pray for you this Lent and I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

**********

So I just had to share this with all of you...

Ryan had to work yesterday on Easter and when he left, he left the Master's on TV. I'm mildly interested in golf, mainly because there are few options when you don't have cable, but also because they usually do a pretty good job telling human interest stories that keep my attention. And if I can get into it, I like a good, close competition in any sport, which this Masters had.

So I'm watching the end and see that it's down to two golfers at the last hole. I don't know anything about these men and I actually find out later that I guessed incorrectly about which one has a foreign accent. Anyway, the scruffier-looking one wins and I immediately become interested when he starts crying. Then his mother comes out on the green and embraces him. Then friends of his appear, hugging him and looking more like skateboarders than friends a PGA golfer would have. Who is this guy? I wonder.

I recognize his name, Bubba Watson, although I couldn't have picked him out of a lineup earlier that day (although maybe I could have - he kind of looks like a Bubba). I figure he must be single since his mom was the first to greet him after his caddy, instead of a beautiful blonde with a couple of kids at her side. Then the announcer says something about his wife and baby watching at home. Okay, I think. That makes sense. He just had a baby. How sweet.

Because I desperately need to know more about him, I make sure to stick around through the commercial and watch as he is presented with his green jacket. Still crying, Bubba gives some awesome quotes which make me cry too, like "I didn't get this far in my dreams." Then they ask him about his wife and new baby boy, Caleb, and he really gets choked up.

Okay. Now call me crazy, because I know this guy was already crying for about ten minutes straight at that point and he just won the Masters and is a new dad, for goodness' sake, but I just KNEW there was something more to it. I know it might sound nuts, but I just completely recognized something in the look on his face, the way he couldn't talk when they asked him about his new baby. It was that look of indescribable blessings born out of suffering. I knew I saw it, as only the way someone who has experienced it firsthand can.

And I was right - the interviewer soon thereafter tells us Bubba and his wife adopted a month-old baby boy just two weeks ago.

Adoption! I start crying even harder.

I immediately start googling it and trying to find out if they experienced infertility. Why do I have this crazy drive to know that about people? Well, I guess it's probably obvious why. Nothing came up, though, until today. This article answered my questions. Here's an excerpt...

"It was only their first date, Bubba Watson said, when the topic of children came up. "Angie told me we would have to adopt because she can’t have kids," says Watson, 33, the new champion of the Masters."

They started the adoption process four years ago (not some quick, easy process that we sometimes think celebs and rich people have) and now they finally have a little baby. AND he won the Masters yesterday. It's been a pretty amazing couple weeks for their family, that's for sure.

And if the fact that he adopted isn't enough to make you love Bubba, oh just wait. There is so much more. Like, how about the fact that he's a committed Christian who is very open about his faith? Or that he tweets some pretty cool things, like bible verses and how he gets his hair to look so good? Or the fact that he owns the General Lee car from the Dukes of Hazzard? Or that his driver is pink yet it's NOT for Komen? Ya, that was my next google search after "adoption" and "infertility".

And then there's this (he's the one in the overalls). His wikipedia page had me at "boy band."

He is definitely my new favorite golfer (as if I had one before!). God bless their family. Adoption is such a miracle and even though we've never met, I can completely relate to his emotions right now.

Well, except maybe that whole winning-one-of-the-biggest-golf-tournaments thing. But infertility and adoption, I have that covered.

A very happy Easter

 ...from Clara and Luke.

You don't even want to know the bribing that was involved in this.

Hope you had as blessed an Easter as we did!

Ovary pain and weight gain

First - the weight gain. I am still gaining weight. It's crazy! Okay, so I'm not eating as healthy as I could, but I'm not eating bad enough to gain this much. I'm going to burst at the seams!

I'm trying not to let it get to me, but as all women know, that's hard. I'm focusing on my diet this week, and slowly cutting the more obvious offenders, although so far it isn't helping. This week I'm going to drink only water (I was down to one very small glass of diet coke a day) and no sweets (I was definitely having a little too much ice cream there for a while). I have been eating a lot of white flour and that's over with now too.

My motivation is definitely going to be fitting into my clothes. I am quickly growing out of everything I own and I can't afford to buy new. I did cave and buy some new jeans, against my better judgment, and now less than a month later, they are already getting tight. 

I honestly wouldn't care so much except that a couple times a week I do have to actually go into public, which requires changing out of my sweatpants. Oh, how I love sweatpants. They are definitely a crutch.

You know it's bad when you weigh more than you did when your baby was very small. Oh man, I better not have to dip into my maternity clothes. And not because that'd be depressing, but because it'd be depressing when they were too small!! 

So the cause of the weight gain... I'm not sure but I have my suspicions. Well, there's food of course, ha ha (and if I were honest here about my eating habits I'm sure you'd wonder why I was questioning this at all). It could also be that nursing has slowed down, which happened right around the time the weight gain started. It could be my old friend insulin resistance, which I know I have, and which I should probably get in check now when my hormones (LH and FSH) are still normal. 

There's also progesterone. I gained weight in November/December when I was on it, and then again in Feb/March when I was on it once again. I didn't gain in January when I wasn't taking it. See why I think there might be a connection? But why would taking progesterone (prometrium in Nov./Dec. and compounded natural progesterone more recently) cause weight gain? My progesterone is low and this is making it normal. I don't get it. 

When I asked my doctor about the weight gain a couple months ago, he immediately told me to start taking DHEA. It was a quick phone call so I didn't ask why that would help, but has anyone heard of that? I keep putting off buying it, but I'm definitely going to do it soon.

I also started taking Armour Thyroid last week, and I'm very much hoping that might help with the weight. Crossing my fingers.

Now for the pain. I thought I was ovulating yesterday (cycle day 15) because I had the recognizable pain on one side (more on that later), but then today that pain has only increased. My ovulation pain never lasts for two days. And today it's more of a dull ache, and hurts when I sit or move too much. For a while this afternoon I had to sit down and put a movie on for the kids because it was that bad. 

I'm getting pretty nervous that there's something else going on because I looked back at my charts and I have pain only on the right side around cycle day 14-16 every month. Every month since November. Right side pain. 

Today, it occurred to me to look back at what side I ovulated on when I conceived (two years ago exactly), and it was the left. The left! So I'm really getting curious now. 

My first instinct was that something must be wrong with the right because of all the pain (that's the side I had emergency surgery on for an endometrioma back in August, 2009). But now I'm wondering if something is wrong with the left because there is no pain whatsoever. 

Sounds like an ultrasound series might be in my future. I love ultrasound series. There's nothing as informative, in my experience. That's what it all comes down to. Am I releasing that egg.

Until I get around to actually calling and asking for one though, I am going to think positively that it might just be a really good ovulation. After all, I have amazing mucus still today to go along with that theory. Doesn't the fluid left after ovulation sometimes cause pain? Or did I make that up?

Well I just sneezed loudly and woke up Luke, so time to go. I'd love any advice you may have on any of this! And prayer buddy - please pray that I can start this diet! Between pregnancy and breastfeeding, I've been stuffing my face for two years now! It was only a matter of time before it'd catch up with me.