Cycle talk once again

I hate talking about my cycles. It's all too familiar, and instantly makes me think there aren't two babies asleep in their rooms across the hall right now. I have to remember they're there or else I'll think it's 2008. 

With yet another failed cycle, I'm trying to decide what to do next. I am suddenly very reminded of my infertile years, when I wouldn't have a future appointment set up with my doctor, yet no real course of action to take either. Do I call to schedule an appointment just to talk about what's next? Is it worth the two-hour drive?

I think I'm going to call and try to get some answers over the phone. I'm going to ask for a low dose (what I was on when I got pregnant) of hydrocortisone. Even though a recent saliva test didn't show adrenal fatigue (where two years ago it showed severe adrenal fatigue), I don't feel right in much the same way as before. The hc did wonders back then, and whether or not it led to me conceiving we might never know, but I'd love to try it again. My cortisol levels are okay though, so maybe my doctor will say we shouldn't mess with them. 

I was also on the low GI diet back then, and had hoped I'd be pregnant again before having to re-start it. No such luck. So it looks like I'm going to get back on the wagon. No white flour, no sugar. Ugh. Those are my two main food groups at the moment. And, in case you're wondering, I wasn't as quick to get going with it again because blood tests showed that my hormones weren't as off as before and I didn't even need metformin this time around. But, in the interest of imitating the cycle when I got pregnant (and losing weight... and just being healthier in general), I might as well eat better.

Speaking of metformin, I was on that when I conceived, but I can't start that again if I don't need it. 

I did start Vitamin D last month, which I was on last time. 

I stopped taking progesterone altogether because I couldn't handle the headaches. And, although my doctor wasn't convinced the headaches were caused by the progesterone, I didn't have any this cycle. So I'm convinced. My progesterone has been extremely low in recent blood tests, on the supplement, so I might need it to get pregnant. If it came down to that, I'd deal with the headaches for sure, but right now it just doesn't seem like that's my miracle cure. Heck, if it was low even on the prometrium, then why deal with the headaches? Maybe I'll ask for a different kind of progesterone.

I also have had some cramping about a week after ovulation and a week before I start a new cycle. Could that be endo? In all my years with endometriosis, it never hurt then. It was always a day or two before I got my period, to possibly a day or two after.

Oh, and breastfeeding. I am not doing a ton of it at this point, probably 2-3 times a day (is that a lot by this age? I have no idea). But I see so many women conceive when breastfeeding that I wonder if that's not my reason. Although my prolactin was high before I conceived (the same hormone that's high when breastfeeding) and I took medication to lower it for years. Hmm.. maybe I should get that tested. Naturally high when not breastfeeding could mean extremely high when breastfeeding.. as in too high to conceive.

Dr. B suggested I consider no longer breastfeeding Luke if I want to conceive. He said he regretted his wife not stopping sooner because it took them a long time to conceive baby #2. But I hate the thought of stopping earlier than I had planned and then not ever getting pregnant again, and never breastfeeding again. If Luke's my last baby, I want to hang on just a little bit longer.

And that's about it. That's where I am at.

This cycle day one was harder to take than ones in the recent past. I should put that in context - I didn't cry, get depressed or even mention it to my husband. But it just made me anxious. It made me think it's never going to happen again. And I'm surprised at how upset that makes me. 

I guess when I got pregnant two years ago (really?) I thought I was cured. But now I'm thinking it was a fluke. Or, probably better put, a miracle. Or, maybe a Luke fluke? Oh, please God let me have another baby so he doesn't become known as Luke the Fluke :)

As I try to actively attempt to conceive, and inevitably worry about the future, I want to not let this interfere with the here and now. I don't want to spend my kids' childhoods worried about whether I'll ever have any more. I don't want to look back on this time and wish I had just focused on them, rather than on secondary infertility. So, I'm trying. But, unfortunately, it's kind of in my nature to not focus on the present. 

I am such a pessimist. All my talk about letting God be in control of growing my family is so quickly thrown out the window as soon as things start looking like they aren't going as I had planned. 

And then I remember that I know people who are dealing with MUCH greater problems. No, this is not a problem. 

It made me feel a little better today when I thought about possibly starting to save for a future adoption. That's a very, very long time off, though, because we haven't even come close to paying off our loans for our last one. And, once we do pay them off, we were hoping to start saving a little money to possibly get out from under our current home, some time in the distant future. But I'd stay in this house forever if it was between that and growing our family. 

I know God is in control. I just have a hard time letting Him be. What is wrong with me? Like I'm pretty sure I ended a post about this same topic a few months ago, I should know more than anyone that His plan is always better than ours. I'm offering this very mild discomfort up for those still waiting.

And I'll get to wake up to two little babies crying/laughing/yelling in their rooms across the hallway tomorrow morning and all will be right with the world.

We love adoption

Adoption may be born from less-than-perfect circumstances, but that's what is so awesome about our God - He makes all things new. 

What an amazing opportunity.. to bring good - to bring life - from suffering, from heartache, from difficulty.

Of course it's not easy. It's probably often the hardest thing a mother will ever do. But, when it's chosen instead of abortion, it's also the most courageous thing she'll ever do.

I pray adoption will become a more viable option for mothers in crisis pregnancies.

That the tides turn and that ending the life in her womb will become the unthinkable, the option that she won't even consider.

I pray the only choice she'll make is whether to find a loving home for her child or raise him herself.

We definitely love adoption in our house. How could we not?

God bless all those who have chosen adoption. You are my heroes.

Home again

We're back from our trip up north and now the great unpacking begins. Well, if you know me, it's a bit of an exaggeration to say it "begins." I'm shooting for some time next week.

We had a great trip and it flew by, as always. And because all I want to do right now is sit in my (relatively) new chair with a blanket and watch TV til Ryan gets home, this will be a quick picture post. And it's also a picture post because I'm excited about my new lens I got for Christmas while I was up there. This lens makes me want to do nothing but take pictures. My poor kids.

You'd never know he has parents who lived in the cold for 30+ years.

Clara, on the other hand.. you'd never know she was born in the South! She couldn't get enough of it. And, who's Caitlin, you ask? That's my sister's snowsuit, circa 1983.

Doesn't this snowman make my babies look big? 

Clara's favorite mid-tantrum past-time of late - planking. Do your two-year-olds do this?

Cousins

And this was one year earlier :)

R got me tix to watch the Cuse, who just happens to be the #1 team in the country. And check out my new lens!!

Visiting with Clara's God-family and another friend's adorable babies

Caleigh loved herself some Luke

Caleigh served as my model one morning

How adorable is she?!

LOVING this lens. Just have to figure out how to actually use it now.

Saying goodbye. What is it about babies hugging and kissing other babies? I can never get enough of it.

Sweetness.

We stopped in NYC to see my brother-in-law. Next time we'll know that kosher delis don't allow sippy cups of milk. They did great milk-less, thankfully.

The kids loved the big city. The last time we were here, it was the day before C was born. Oh, how things have changed.

This is what I do with my free time

Or, maybe I should say, this is what I do when I should be doing a load of laundry or cleaning the kitchen.

Clara loves to dance, and I like to edit video, so naturally I needed to make a music video. And she's been getting in an empire state of mind ahead of our trip to New York this weekend (okay, Upstate, but still..), and so we've been listening to this song a lot. I shot this video of one of our dance parties yesterday morning with my cell phone.

It's already been worth the couple hours I spent on it - watching it this afternoon got her out of a crying fit. I'll take it!

Thanking Our Lady

Last Monday, on my birthday, we had planned a little day-trip to D.C., including a visit to the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. But after waking up with a little stomach bug that day, it didn't happen. So yesterday, we, at the very last minute, decided to head to the Basilica for Mass (which is absolutely gorgeous decorated for Christmas!), and I'm so glad we did.

Two-and-a-half years ago, in June of 2009, we stopped by the beautiful church so that could Ryan ask Our Lady to intercede on his behalf and ask God to make him a father. I had read somewhere that some couples had conceived after making similar pilgrimages, and I was willing to try anything. So we went and it was a great visit.

Since that time, I have never felt as if that was the prayer, the pilgrimage. I don't think it works that way. But I do think that all of our prayers are important. And I think it's a beautiful thing for a husband to make a special trip to ask Our Lady for that favor.

This time, we returned with our two babies, one who was a very tiny peanut in her mother's womb when that original prayer was made.

Ryan had made his request in front of the image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, which is located to the right of the altar. During the Christmas season, a beautiful nativity scene is in front of the image, and you could only see a tiny bit of her head peaking over the top.

So, more than two years later, I knelt with my babies in front of the nativity, and in front of Our Lady of Perpetual Help who was hiding in the background, and I thanked Our Lord and his mother for answering our prayers.

As we knelt, an usher came up next to us, grabbed two pieces of straw from the nativity floor, and handed them to me. I couldn't hear him well, but he said something about St. Francis, and that we would really want them. It was implied that they were for the children. I wasn't sure what that was about, but I quickly grabbed them from the kids' hands (or else they would have been long gone in seconds) and put them safely in my diaper bag.

Today, when Ryan returned home from work, he told me that when one of his co-workers heard we had visited the Basilica, she asked him if we had taken home any straw from the nativity. Apparently, legend has it (because Catholicism is great for legends, right? ;)) that if you put the hay in your wallet, you'll never want for money the whole year. You better believe that straw was in my wallet before Ryan finished the story! Ha!

During Mass, Clara was her usual feisty self, and the grand church offered a lot of space for walking her around, while still being able to listen to the priest. We walked from chapel to chapel, each one more beautiful than the next, and even Clara noticed. "So pretty!" she exclaimed, looking all around, at the larger-than-life statues, paintings, and mosaics.

And that's what she said as we entered my very favorite chapel (and possibly one of the most beautiful spaces I've ever been in), Our Lady of Guadalupe, at the exact moment of the consecration. As we walked towards the front, hand-in-hand, I felt as if I was in some way presenting her. I've always thought Our Lady of Guadalupe was special to Clara, since she is half Mexican. And to watch her look around in wonder, as the bells rang out.. it really took my breath away.

Ryan and I switched kids right before it was time for communion, and so I walked up holding Luke. After receiving the Eucharist, I was turning to head back to my seat when I felt some "activity" in Luke's diaper. I was laughing to myself, at what a fitting moment for him to do that, when I looked straight ahead and saw the Pieta. I have seen that image many, many times. I have even stood before Michelangelo's Pieta in St. Peter's on several occasions. But never before did it strike me the way it did last night, as I saw it while carrying my own baby boy in my arms. For a split second, as I saw Our Mother holding her Son, laid limply across her arms, I felt what must have been a tiny fraction of Mary's suffering. I hugged my own son tight and choked back the tears.

We let the kids walk around after Mass and Ryan followed us with a camera. I forgot that the Basilica is really a tourist attraction, and so people with cameras were everywhere.

I love these pictures. I'm usually the one taking them, so I rarely see candids of me and the kids.

Notice the straw in her hand...

The beauty of Mass at the Basilica must have rubbed off on us, because we said our first official family Rosary tonight. We hope to make it a weekly tradition.

I am so grateful I could return to the basilica with my babies. Thank you, Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Thank you, Our Lady of Guadalupe. Thank you, Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception. Thank you for your intercession. We are so blessed.

Meeting Clara

Two years ago today, this is what I saw...

We woke up this sweet little beat-red baby so we could meet her.

I held her for the first time...

And then gave Ryan a turn (which was almost as good as holding her myself ;))...

And then our dear friend, this blogger, captured this photo, one of my favorites of all time...

Oh, how she has grown...

Today, on this very special day, we went to the children's museum, which has a TRAIN (that's very important to Clara)...

And then went out to lunch before daddy went to work...

It's hard to believe it's been two years. It's hard to believe she's grown so big.

It's not hard to believe how she's changed my life. Although I wasn't prepared for her to be this awesome.

I love you, Clara Therese. I'm forever thankful that I get to be your mommy.

Here's Luke, to make you smile

In light of tomorrow being the two-year anniversary of when we met Clara (yay!), I was going to write a rather serious post about adoption and God turning tragedy into good (I read something that sparked some strong emotions in me). But, instead, I'm going to go in the opposite direction with something a little more lighthearted.

So..... here's Luke, hard at work on his laptop, discovering a lesson we all learn sooner or later - that computers can be frustrating. Either that, or he's filing his taxes and not getting the return he had hoped for. Or, he discovered his mother's blog and isn't happy about some personal information she shared about him.

If it's not the latter, it will be one day.

(And if you saw this on facebook, this is the extended version. Much more typing. And some more frustration :))

And pay close attention to his typing. It's as if he's fresh off a high school business class circa 1985, and is ready to take the secretarial world by storm. I think he gets it from me. I always had a pretty high wpm.

Today is joy

I'm not a resolution kind of girl, but I have to admit the new year has got me thinking about what I need to improve. Mainly, I've been doing a lot of worrying about the future. Things have just been so incredibly awesome that I'm waiting for something to go wrong (that's just in my nature, I think).

I have seen a lot of suffering lately. Well, not so much as "seen" as "read about." There just seems to be so much heartbreakingly terrible stuff going on. The kind of stuff movies are made about. Yet, in it all, those involved are full of hope and trust in Our Lord. It's inspiring. 

Of course, I don't take the positive from it. Instead, I just bawl my eyes out, reading blog post after blog post and news article after new article. Sometimes I cry so hard I can't see. I pray and cry, cry and pray. 

Then I look at my family and how perfect everything is and it scares me. 

I also spend a great deal of time worrying about losing this amazing point in time. My birthday yesterday probably didn't help with that. The years are just whizzing by and I want to stop it all and hug my babies forever. 

Infertility dragged on so slowly. And now these years with babies have only just begun, yet I'm already worried about them leaving for college. 

It's all so silly. Yet so normal, I'm sure. 

My husband had a talk with me the other day about embracing today and living in the moment and all that good stuff. So that is what I resolve to do. Or try to do.

So... instead of worrying about the future, I will focus on a wonderful New Year's Eve weekend. It was relaxing and fun and great to be with family. It was spent with a trip to see Grandma and Grandpa's beautiful new home...

And to celebrate a belated Christmas...

Sweet cousins played...

And boys watched some football...

The whole family was in town to celebrate my father-in-law's 60 birthday...

I discovered Grandma and Grandpa's new screened-in porch has some amazing lighting...

There were a lot of smiles to capture while at a nearby playground...

And, speaking of smiles, we took a family picture with Clara smiling (self-timer, once again!). Maybe it's my overwhelming desire to capture these moment in time, but I just love family pictures...

This is what I prayed and waited for for so long. So I will focus on today - which is so joyful - and sweet baby hugs from a boy who needs his Mama and butterfly kisses that Clara just loves to give. I pray for those suffering and put my trust in the Lord.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Phillipians 4:4-7)