What's been going on here...

I let Luke cry last night. And, I should point out, we live in a pretty small house, so we might as well be in the same room as him. It wasn't easy.

He eventually fell asleep, woke up and nursed around 3 a.m., and then slept the rest of the night (morning) in his crib.

It's funny how different our perspectives are. Ryan woke up this morning thinking it was a victory, ready to take on Night #2, while I awoke feeling down about how long he cried and the 3 a.m. acrobatic nursing session.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do tonight. Thank you all so much for your advice. I'm taking each and every comment to heart and figuring out our next move. I am keeping him to two shorter naps today, so we'll see how that goes.

**********

I haven't talked a lot about Clara in a while, and since so much has changed I think she needs an update.

Let's just say that sometimes I wonder who the little girl is in my house. And I'm not just saying that.

The first 22 months of her life she didn't talk. That was the Clara I knew. Then, all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, here's this person who talks and knows everything we're saying to her, that I'm just like, "who are you?"

And she looks different too. It's not that she's physically all that much bigger - that is still progressing gradually for now. It's that she is just such a little girl. The look in her eyes. The looks she gives us. Her face when she talks to us. I hardly recognize my little baby!

Has that happened to any of you moms?

I think it's because it literally happened over night. A few weeks ago she went to bed saying words and woke up speaking in sentences. Ryan and I spend our days retelling stories of what she has said to us. I love it.

Now, she's not speaking fluently, by any means. She still grunts for things and I have no idea what she wants. But it's amazing how much easier life becomes when you can communicate even a little better with your baby. I've always looked forward to the age when they say funny things and make hysterically smart observations, and I don't think that's too far off.

**********

I did something really stupid today.

I've been meaning to do my saliva test for my adrenals for more than a month now. I keep putting it off because there's a list of foods you can't eat the day you do it and apparently I eat them a lot.

So I gear myself all up to do it today. I'm already so overdue. I set my alarm, get up, complain the whole time about how hard the test is (you have to rinse your mouth with cold water for 30 seconds 3-5 minutes prior to each testing time, which is apparently more than I can handle), and finally, amazingly, do the first one. Victory! The test is underway.

Then I drank some hot chocolate.

Unfortunately, chocolate is one of the foods you can't eat the day you test. Ugh. Luckily, my doctor said I can save this morning's first saliva-soaked cotton thingy and do the rest tomorrow. Now I just have to remember not to eat anything I'm not supposed to.

**********

I got the new iPhone. My old one has been on its last leg since August. The worst part was it had lost the ability to take pictures or video, which is a must for me. So now I can once again, which means I might be posting more videos of the kids. I know... you were just thinking, if only I had more videos of K's kids!

I can also now voice-record texts, emails or basically anything I would normally type. I love that, because I absolutely hate typing on phones. It also has the new "personal assistant" Siri, although I already feel like I am annoying her. Then I remind myself she's not real.

This also means that my old phone now becomes Clara's iPod Touch. Although we learned pretty quickly that Lukie wants some stake in it too.

Clara knows exactly how to navigate everything and loves using her favorite apps and listening to her favorite songs of the moment. And while a lot of it is really just for fun, she is learning about things like numbers and letters.

It's sort of an early birthday present, because I could have traded it in for some cash!

**********

And since it's Halloween, I have to share a couple pictures of my sweet babies in their costumes...

There are more pictures - including one of me in costume as well - over at my other blog, ourlifewithclara.blogspot.com. See if you can guess who I am!

Still in need of sleep advice

So we once again have a little predicament with sweet little Luke's sleeping habits.

First, let me say that he is napping beautifully. He takes a morning nap and an afternoon nap, and goes down awake and either falls asleep immediately (or plays, all I know is he's quiet!), or whines a little and eventually falls asleep. And he stays asleep two to three hours each time. It's wonderful!

The problem, though, is that he's having a very, very tough time at night. Which makes me feel like I am on the clock every waking hour. This has been going on for a couple months now, and I'm starting to feel the effects of it.

So here's the deal...

I put him down around 8 p.m. (although it's becoming more like 8:30 or 9 simply because I fear putting him down and listening to him scream) and he does one of three things. One option is he screams and cries immediately, and keeps screaming for as long as I'll let him go. The second option is he falls asleep immediately and wakes up exactly 45 minutes later, at which time he screams for as long as I'll let him go. The third option is he'll play happily in his crib for anywhere from 5-45 minutes, and then screams as long as I'll let him go.

That's when I get him up, nurse him, and usually play with him. I know, that might be where my trouble lies, but he's just wide awake. And he's always on his game at night. Between 9-11 is when he stood for the first time, and also when he took his first steps.

So my night usually includes me trying to put him down at least one more time before my husband gets home at 11:30. And, usually, he cries so incredibly hard that I don't let him go very long at all. Eventually, though, I put him down (the second or third try) and he does fall sleep. That typically happens anywhere between 9:30 and 11:30.

He then normally sleeps through the remainder of the night in his crib, and wakes up anywhere between 5-8 a.m. If it's early, we bring him into bed and I nurse him while we both fall back asleep. He then sleeps with me until Clara wakes up and we all get up, which is usually between 8 and 9.

Any thoughts on why he's such a great napper and yet has trouble in the early nighttime hours? I have wondered if it's the darkness, but haven't yet tried a nightlight. I have tried leaving his door slightly open with the hall light on, but that doesn't seem to help.

We were very successful in letting him cry himself to sleep for a week when he was six months old, but I just don't feel right about it now. He's so much more aware and he's standing up the whole time, which I think makes him even more riled up.

But why does he eventually fall asleep, after the second or third try? What changes between 8 and 11 p.m.?

Okay, as I'm typing this I think I'm starting to answer my own questions. Is it because he looks forward to me getting him up, comforting him, having precious alone time with him and playing? Ya, maybe that's it.

So... what do I do about it?

The best time

As of today, Luke is officially one month away from turning one. That just seems crazy to me.

I can't tell you how fast this year has gone. The year-and-a-half since finding out I was pregnant. The nearly-two years since bringing Clara home.

While it does already make me a bit nostalgic, it doesn't make me sad.

Yes, I love sweet little newborn babies, and how clean and warm and snuggly they are. How they can't get away from you when you're changing their diaper. (Oh, I really love that!)

But, let's be honest. The first few months months are spent feeding, changing, and putting them down. And, in our case, getting him back up when he screams endlessly... putting him back down... getting him back up again... begging God to just please let him sleep for twenty minutes...

Don't get me wrong - I do love the newborn days. I long for those days with a new baby, no matter how hard they are.

It's an awesome experience, in those first days, to get to know this new little person who is inhabiting your home. There's nothing like it. But as amazing as that is, for me, it only gets better once you're well acquainted.

I know babies know their mamas right away, but now he knows me. And I can't get enough of all that this stage brings. Giggling like crazy when you tickle him... Holding onto me tight when he's afraid... Talking baby talk... Taking first steps... Playing with his big sister... Making a mess...

Reacting to everything... Clapping his hands... Throwing his arms up and yelling, "tah-dah" at random times because, I believe, he knows it makes us laugh.

I LOVE this time. He's never been cuter and I swear he loves me more every day. And the feeling is definitely mutual.

And the best part? I'm not sad about this stage being over either because I know what's right around the corner is just as amazing. I see it with his big sister. Oh man, is she growing up and it's hysterical.

She seemed to turn into a big girl over night a couple weeks ago and the things she's saying are cracking us up. Like when she saw a picture of her brother in his Halloween costume and proclaimed, "Woah! Who is that?" I wanted to say, "Woah! Who are you??"

I'm sure one day I'll get a little sad that they're getting big. And that day might come soon. But for now I'm choosing to live in the moment and love this time right now. It's a great feeling to know you're in the middle of living the best time of your life. I'm so very blessed.

A story of hope

I just wanted to share a very moving video about a baby who has defied the odds.

My husband went to school with the baby's father, and he shared the video with him. As soon as I saw it (and cried all the way through), I knew I had to post it here. It's a beautiful story of hope and faith, which is something I know a lot of us struggle with at times.

It's also a wonderful reminder that all life is a gift from God. This sweet baby has obviously already brought so much joy into the world...

Perpetuating the myth

In a comment on my previous post, Kerry asked me about my thoughts on getting pregnant after adopting. I'm kind of surprised I haven't talked about it more often on this blog, but I really haven't. So here are some thoughts on my personal experience thus far...

"Oh, that happens all the time!"

Those are words I have heard continuously since late March of 2010. Those are words that I will likely hear for the rest of my life.

I heard it when I was pregnant. I heard it when I had a newborn and a one-year-old. I still hear it today. Yesterday, in fact, at toddler music class.

I heard it two days ago as well, from my doctor. He said it the last time I was there too.

And, speaking of doctors, I heard it a few weeks ago from my other doctor, the one who I credit with successfully treating my infertility.

You get the point. I hear it a lot. In case you ever wondered if people actually believe that adoption leads to pregnancy, I'm here to tell you THEY DO.

To be honest, early on, it didn't bother me. I was just so thrilled to be pregnant that nothing really bothered me. And, after all, it did happen to me. Then, shortly thereafter, it happened to a good friend of mine. And, surprisingly, most of the people making the comments to me weren't simply talking out of their you-know-whats. They knew actual people that it happened to - their sister, their daughter, their best friend, their patients. How could I dispute that?

Then it did start to bother me a little. Friends of mine who were still struggling with infertility pointed out, sometimes jokingly but coming from a place of truth, how I would now be perpetuating the myth. They were right. Mine was a story that someone would tell to someone else who would then tell it to another person and before you know it that person would be telling an infertile couple, "Just adopt and you'll get pregnant! I hear it happens all the time!" Great. I've been that couple and know how excruciating it is to hear those words. I didn't want to play any role in their pain.

So I went through a phase where I refuted it. That's not saying much coming from me, since I definitely don't invite conflict with acquaintances or strangers. Usually I'd quietly and politely say something along the lines of, "Actually it doesn't happen a lot. You'd be surprised." Sometimes, if I was feeling frisky, I'd even throw in, "Don't say that to someone with infertility. That's not what they want to hear."

Or, to those who liked to follow up the "That happens all the time!" with the inevitable, "They say you just need to relax!", I would attempt to explain that while, yes, I personally believe that "relaxing" after we adopted Clara in a round-about way contributed to my conceiving, it isn't nearly as simple as it sounds...that there's actually a biological component to it...that my hormones were messed up and when my anxiety and stress levels (something I have long struggled with) plummeted, my body was possibly able to heal the last piece of the puzzle. Because, let's not forget, I had three surgeries in there as well. Relaxing wouldn't have ever gotten rid of the endometriosis. Ever.

(And, it's worth pointing out, this is all just my theory. While I do believe in my heart of hearts that the cosmic shift in my entire outlook on life aided in my conception, I will never be able to prove it.)

I rarely go that deep anymore. I usually respond with a simple smile. I don't nod in agreement, but I don't educate them either. I guess I've just gotten so used to it hearing it that the words barely register anymore. And, since in my experience every single one of these people means well, I cringe at the thought of openly disputing what they said. They just seem so darn happy for me. Plus, they were probably just making conversation.

I know I should do more. Just come up with a pat response that I'm comfortable with. Maybe I will. I owe it to infertile couples, and adoptive couples, everywhere. If being someone who this rare scenario actually has happened to comes with that responsibility, not perpetuating the myth is the least I can do.

One thing, though, should be clear - I am not complaining about what people say to me. I'm thankful every day that I find myself in a situation where I get those comments and I will never grow tired of the reminder that I have two babies through two miracles. It's those who hear them and who are still waiting who I feel for. I remember being on the other side of those words all too well.

Thank you

Today is not Clara's birthday. Or the anniversary of the day we met her, or when we got the call.

Although we are closing in on her turning two, today is just an ordinary day.

A day we get to see this face...

And sing praises to God that she, against all odds, found her way to us.

A day we get to pinch ourselves for the thousandth time

And realize she's really ours.

And just another day when it's placed on my heart to remember all of the many people who played a role in our family's story with their unimaginable generosity.

I recently found myself reading my blog posts from the day we picked her up. I remember reading all your comments that first night, sitting on a friend's couch, feeding my baby. And I'm sure I looked at them again once back at home.

In the craziness of those early days, I'm not sure I let your words sink in. But reading them the other day, during nap-time, it hit me all over again.

There were so many of you praying for us, following our journey, cheering us on. I remember on our ride down I had never before felt so lifted up in prayer. For the first time I knew why it's called "lifted up," because that's exactly how I felt. It was as if God, the saints and the angels were personally ushering us to her.

I still can't wrap my mind around the money that people sent. Friends, who gave us more than I have ever given someone myself. It floors me to this day. Complete strangers, some of whom told me later that they prayed about it after reading my posts and felt moved by the Holy Spirit to help us out. And I mean help us out. And our family, who made it possible to bring a little preemie home to Virginia to be our daughter.

And, of course, by extension, you helped him get here too...

Because I will always believe one had so much to do with the other.

So, thank you. Because every day that I get to see her smile...

I'm reminded of all of you who helped us get here and how much my heart is full of gratitude. And I don't tell you that enough.

You know you haven't blogged in a while when...

 ...your own blog address is no longer in the history of your phone or computer. I don't know that that's ever happened before! I had to actually type it in. What is the world coming to?!

I'm not sure of the reason for my absence. I've had things I could post about, wrote posts in my head. I think Luke not sleeping between the hours of 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. is a BIG reason why I've been gone. I blogged with him in my arms when he was little but he's not so little any more. He's into everything.

Tonight, though, he is sleeping (until I just jinxed it by typing that, I'm sure), which may be due to my forgetting to put him down for his second nap (he is a champion napper lately). I know sleep begets sleep, but I'm willing to try it again tomorrow, on purpose this time, if he stays asleep tonight.

Things are going well here. Busy, stressful, but well. I started a big project that I'll post more about in the future. Nothing that big. Just big craftily speaking.

The babies are... a handful. Those of you who couldn't relate to this post I wrote recently about not wanting to be away from my kids may be interested to hear that I am getting pretty close to needing/wanting a moment apart from them. Yup, shortly after that post went up these two little people began clinging to my legs as I walk, crying, moaning, one pulling up on me as I bend over to pick the other one up, not letting go - really, Luke has some grip - causing me to be unable to move or else one or both will go flying.

And my hair. If it is not up - and by "up" I mean twisted into a bun - it will be pulled like it's never been pulled before. I thought we were past the pulling stage, but no. When you have two crazy little munchkins constantly hanging off of you and throwing their bodies at you, your insanely long hair gets yanked like you wouldn't believe. I'm thinking of wearing a shower cap. It'll be a new trend.

And does anyone else find themselves constantly pulling their children out of rooms by their arms (actually lifting them up in the air) when you've asked them nicely thirty times, threatened time-out and still nothing? Has anyone actually pulled a shoulder out of its socket? Don't worry, it hasn't happened. I just fear it. I can only imagine explaining that one in the ER.

I'm not sure what it is lately, other than me. I haven't been feeling well and I think any extra added stress just puts me over the edge.

It hasn't been all crazy though. Along with the chaos has come much more laughter. Clara has taken to laughing hysterically. A lot. And it's infectious. She cracks herself, and then me, up.

There's also a lot of kissing going on in our home. She asks for kisses all the time. Comes up behind me and kisses my back. Kisses her baby brother's little bald head whenever the mood hits her. Asks for hugs out of nowhere. I find that she'll reach out and touch my arm when we're sitting next to each other on the couch, just to be touching me. It's amazing.

So that's what we've been up to. Oh, and we took a very quick trip up north to see my family a week or so ago. My parents are both turning 60 this fall and so we threw a party for them both (it was a surprise for my dad).

One thing is for sure. We have a MAJOR party girl on our hands.

Let's just say she is in her element at a party, no matter the time. Strutting in and out of rooms, making her presence known. And the big sign she's happy - kicking her one leg up when she walks.

There was a lot of that going on that night.

And a lot of this...

She ate birthday cake like it was her job. I'm not kidding. My mom thought she'd "share" a piece with the baby. Ha! Our girl couldn't shovel it in fast enough.

She had a good excuse, though. That very day she happened to be feasting in honor of St. Therese.

And then there's Luke, always up in Clara's business...

That boy just wants whatever his sister has.

At least she gets a break when the boys hang out...

And, of course, birthday girl, Nana, with her grandbabies...

They sat for her, but not for me. At what age, exactly, do kids start posing for photos with their mother?

And notice my scarf, from this wonderful website. I love my Ethiopian scarf!

Sweet picture of the babies cuddling at the end of the night... until you notice why they're sitting so nicely.

Oh, the iphone. Maybe I should photoshop that out and pretend they're just hugging ;)