C-section courage

Things are still pretty nuts in our house and I'm so exhausted by it all that I can't bring myself to write about it anymore than I already have (although I compose posts in my head about it constantly!).

The good news is we're past the sickness, thank God, but the bad news is it looks like Luke's desire to be awake 20 hours a day is here to stay. We had just resigned ourselves to co-sleeping - after that was the only way he'd sleep at all for about a week - when he decided he's over that. Swing? Over it. Lamb seat? Over it. Crib? Oh ya, over it.

Enough of that, though. Since he's napping at the moment and his naps last, oh, about 10 minutes, I wanted to just post super quick about a couple of beautiful blog posts that made my day yesterday. My sweet husband saw one of the them and sent it to me because he just knew it'd make me happy.

They're about c-sections. And the way they're often viewed by those who have them and society. Hopefully they'll help some of you as much as they helped me.

Birth Bravery is the first one. Here's an excerpt:

A few minutes later I was rolled into the OR, shifted over to the operating table, and was awake (though thankfully numb) as I was cut open to have my 10-pound child safely removed from my body. I think that’s pretty badass.

I love that. What a completely different way of looking at it.

The other blog post is linked from the first blog post, and it can be found here. This one made me cry. Here's an excerpt:

It doesn't matter if the surgery is necessary or unnecessary, what matters is that it takes extraordinary courage to say: "Cut me open. I love my baby so much, that I will do anything to get my baby out of my body alive. Lay me out, cut me open because I love my baby so much."

I still deal with emotions from my c-section at times, as I'm sure anyone who's had one can understand. But shifting the way I view it can help so much - I didn't miss out on a vaginal delivery, I (with the help of the doctor and, of course, GOD) saved Luke's life, and possibly mine, by doing what was necessary at the time. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it! I would do anything for him - even if he doesn't sleep a wink - and when you think about it that way a c-section is nothing. And so what if I didn't get the birth I had hoped for? I got the baby and absolutely nothing else matters. And it was kinda badass :)

More advice please!

Well I spoke too soon about Luke's day-time schedule. Yesterday he didn't nap at all, except in the car on the way home from the doctor's office. Definitely over-tired.

His lungs sounded fine yesterday at his appointment, but the doctor thought his breathing wasn't moving as freely as it should so she wants me to give him a breathing treatment before bed. She also had me give him one while we were in the office and listened to him after but it didn't really help at all. So who knows if it will help here at home.

We're also going to try me giving up eggs. Just as a test. I eat them nearly every morning so it's definitely something that's a regular part of my diet that could be affecting him.

Yesterday was tough. I was exhausted, he wasn't sleeping and Clara had a bizillion medications and treatments she needed. I kept reminding myself of two things. One, that it could be a lot harder (the number of treatments and medications my babies are getting pale in comparison to children with serious medical problems, and many of those aren't temporary like these are). And two, that it won't be like this forever. Plus, I get to offer it up for my prayer buddy.

And the good news is Clara is improving. Thank God! Her nose was not runny yesterday for the first time in over two weeks. And after I got home from Luke's appointment, I walked in and looked at her and couldn't believe she looked like her old self again! Her eyes were back to normal and weren't swollen with dark circles. What a great sight to see.

Thank you all for your advice and consolation. I do think that maybe he's not napping enough during the day, but the problem is he just won't. So my question for all of you who suggested more naps... do your kids just fall asleep when you put them down? Because Luke won't.

And perhaps I exaggerated his penchant for daytime naps. You know how when things are good for a couple days you think they've always been like that, and vice versa? Well, he had napped great (went down awake and slept for one to two hours) for a few days before my last post, and I guess it seemed like he'd always been doing it. But yesterday and today's lack of napping reminded me that it definitely doesn't always happen like that.

So... what do I do? Generally speaking, I'm not opposed to letting a baby cry a little to get them to sleep, but the problem is it doesn't work for him. He would never stop.

And as for co-sleeping, well, I probably am in denial which is why I didn't say anything the other day, but I do nurse him in bed at least once a night and he does fall asleep there. As do I. But as soon as I wake up (totally sore) and move my arm out from under him, he wakes up and cries. And I just haven't been able to find a way to nurse him lying down that's entirely comfortable.

So that's not a long-term solution for us. It's kind of more of a band-aid. My goal is to get him in his crib in his nursery.

Anyways, is there anyone out there whose baby just doesn't fall asleep? Or are we the only family who just won't go down? (I know, I highly doubt it!)

As for his night last night, he did (thank God!) fall asleep last night around ten (I think he fell asleep nursing and stayed asleep when I put him down) and slept till one. He then nursed and slept in bed with me until 4 a.m. Then there was a lot of rocking by his father, to no avail, followed by me nursing again around 6, and then him sleeping in his vibrating chair from 7 till 10. So not terrible but also not ideal.

So your advice is still welcome and much appreciated! In particular, what to do about babies who just do not fall asleep. I'm just at a loss. Totally dumbfounded. His doctor didn't even know what to do. I need all the help I can get!

Craziness

Things are a little crazy over here.

Clara went to the pediatrician today so the doctor could fill out a form for our adoption finalization and the doctor immediately was concerned with her breathing. She thinks that Clara did, in fact, have RSV, or a similar respiratory virus, and now has swollen airways in the wake of the virus. She was very concerned with the grunting sound she makes upon exhaling.

Incidentally, it's the same grunting sound she made last Tuesday that concerned a nurse, and the same grunting sound she was making when I called last Thursday to see if I needed to bring her back in. What a waste of time it was seeing whatever doctor was available last week (always the newest one with the fewest regular patients, it seems)!

Our regular doctor today said that a new pediatrician might admit her to the hospital based on her symptoms today (well, apparently not all young pediatricians would, as evidenced by our doc last week) but that she was going to try a round of steroids, an antibiotic and continued breathing treatments and singular (our days now revolve around giving medications and battling her on many of them).

She also wants to see Luke since I told her he is having a terrible time sleeping at night (which means we all are) and did have a stuffy nose last week. She wants to listen to his chest to see if he has any residual affects from a virus, possibly RSV, as well.

I feel terrible for Clara and am praying she gets better fast. It's amazing though - you wouldn't even know she was sick except for her cough and runny (really runny) nose. She is a ball of energy. Which may be why the degree of her illness wasn't initially obvious.

Back to Luke's lack of sleeping... That's the other reason why we're going crazy over here. About three weeks ago he totally reverted back to his first couple weeks of life and just stopped sleeping at night.

Our problems are two-fold. One - we can't get him to sleep. We have tried everything. I'm not kidding. I still find myself googling for new answers and I just have to laugh at what all these experts say to try. Oh really? "Shhh" him? Rock him? Let him cry for a few minutes and then go in and reassure him? Play ambient sound, music, heartbeat, or whales talking? Swaddle him? Nurse him to sleep? We've tried it all. They make it sound so simple. Ha.

Two - once he does fall asleep, he wakes up after one to two hours. (During the day he sometimes naps for two to three hours and even goes down awake! But not at night. Sometimes he does sleep for 4-6 hours, but it's definitely not the norm.) And after I get up and nurse him, he will not go back down. Even if he falls asleep nursing, he will wake up when I put him in the bassinet.

We've tried different sleeping locations as well. He did great in the crib in his nursery about a month ago, but that only lasted about a week. We are now using the bassinet in our room and while that, too, worked at first, it's not working any more (although, again, he seems to like it during the day).

For a second I thought that maybe he just was so used to our eat, play, sleep schedule that he wanted to play at night. But no, he's frantic. Definitely not in the mood to play even if I wanted him to.

Other important information for any kind souls wanting to give me some much-needed advice - we swaddle him in a miracle blanket; he takes a pacifier when falling asleep but it falls out once he enters a deep sleep and doesn't need it replaced (and when he does wake up, replacing it does not help); we vibrate the bassinet when we're desperate; I sing to him while putting my hand on his chest and gently rocking him in his crib or bassinet (worked wonders for about a week); I walk around holding him sideways shushing him (he falls asleep in my arms and then wakes up once he's put down); putting him down awake works great during the day but not at night. We've also tried the swing, vibrating seat, his car seat, and whatever else you might be thinking right now. It all worked at some point, but not anymore. He's also on medication for reflux and it seems to be working (although he does spit up a great deal still, but he doesn't seem to be in pain).

And his schedule (this is very roughly speaking) is to wake up around 7:30 a.m., eat, play, take a morning nap sometime around 10 a.m., wake after an hour or two, eat, play, take an afternoon nap around 2 p.m., wake around 3ish, eat, play, and then that's where things seem to go off track. He then won't go down again after that, so it becomes eat, play, eat, play, then fuss, eat, fuss, eat, and then he finally falls asleep some time between about 10 (on good nights) and midnight (on okay nights). And sometimes (like tonight), he's wide awake at one a.m. He then wakes up a couple hours later, and that's when it takes another one to two hours to get him to sleep again.

If anyone is still reading this, thank you! I'm about to go take over for my husband right now and try nursing him again. I hate to do this because I know the excessive feeding could be causing him tummy aches and leading to this cyclical problem, but what choice do we have? We're desperate. Nothing works.

And how is he not more tired? How is he wide awake right now while we're exhausted?

Maybe it is the virus. I don't want him to have had RSV, but at least that might be a reason for this and breathing treatments might get him back to normal.

I feel bad talking about him behind his back! He really is a great baby. We love him dearly. Here's the little guy, to prove what an angel he is despite his lack of sleep:

He's lucky he's so darn cute! 

We'll sleep again some day, right?

A little scare

Yesterday felt a little too similar to what happened one year ago.

Last night I took Clara (with Luke tagging along) to the doctor's for a nagging cold that had turned into a cough. I was annoyed that the three of us waited for what seemed like forever when the nurse brought us back and made note of an odd sound Clara was making when she breathed out. She listened to her chest, said nothing, and then quickly left the room. I could hear her next door getting a doctor. Great. I started to panic.

The doctor came in, listened as well without saying a word (don't you hate that?), and then ordered a breathing treatment and an RSV test. You have got to be kidding me.

There I was, alone, on the same side of the building as last year (I haven't been in that part of the office since that day), giving Clara a treatment, hoping it would drastically help. The only difference this time - other than Luke sleeping nearby in his car seat - was that it did. Help, that is. And the RSV test was negative. Thank the Lord.

I'm not completely sure what her diagnosis was - because I wasn't feeling too hot myself and my head was even cloudier after the brief scare - but she basically, probably, has some sort of virus causing her cold and cough, and also possibly allergies. They sent us home with albuterol and singulair.

She fought me hard as I gave her the breathing treatment in the exam room (picture a one-year-old running around in just her diaper and pink leopard-print socks as I try to stick a mask in her face) and continues to do so here at home, but I swore in that office that every time I struggle to give her a treatment I'll just remember how thankful I am that we're in our living room and not in the pediatric unit of the hospital.

Of course, I've already had to remember that several times today. Although just as I'm about to lose it, she reels me back in with something adorable like this (the thing on the left is what delivers the medicine, in case you didn't know):

Believe me, just moments earlier there was a lot of crying and squirming going on - on both our parts!

I'm not sure how well the treatments are working. She still has her junky cough and her nose is running like crazy. I don't feel like we're out of the woods just yet. If you could, please pray for Clara's complete recovery from this cold, or whatever it is. She has still been her cute, hilarious self, but I can tell she definitely doesn't feel well. And to top it all off, she's cutting two teeth. Poor baby.

And while I'm posting videos, here's another from today. Ignore the toys strewn everywhere, please (and yes, she's kissing him, but at this point I'm sure he's already been exposed to whatever she has). And listen closely after she falls onto Luke. She tells herself "gentle," echoing what she hears me say in that very situation all day long. I absolutely love that she already has her mother's voice in her head, and I'm hoping it stays there!

CD3?

Well I thought it would be many, many more months since I'd be writing a post about this!

To my surprise, I started what appears to be a new cycle on Tuesday. Luke is only three months. And I'm exclusively breastfeeding. No pumping (except once a day for a week early on), no bottles, no formula.

He's not even sleeping through the night. He typically goes about 4-5 hours between feedings at night. There have been a few times where he's gone 7 or 8 hours, but that's definitely not the norm. In fact, he's been kind of fussy lately and not going much more than 3 hours.

I have to admit, though, I thought something might be up. I started charting few weeks ago and seemed to be having a lot of peak-type mucus. I swore I was ovulating.

From what I've heard, it's not necessarily common to get your period this soon while breastfeeding, but it doesn't mean anything is wrong either. I just really hope it doesn't mean my milk supply is going down. Temporarily is fine, but I would hate for it to be permanent.

Now that I mentioned it, maybe that's why he's been fussy lately? And wanting to nurse sooner? I wonder if my supply went down in the couple days before the new cycle started, because that's when his fussiness set in. I thought it was something I ate.

It's funny to post about this.. it's like a blast from the past! I really wonder what is going to happen now. Will my cycles begin to normalize? Or will they be pretty crazy over the next year? And the big question - will I be fertile?

My gut feeling - based on nothing other than my intuition - is that I'll be fertile. I am a pessimistic by nature, so it's not like me to think this way (which makes me think maybe there's something to it). After all, doctors always used to tell me the one thing I hated to hear more than anything - that the best way to fix my endometriosis was to get pregnant. Oh, that used to burn me up! But now, with a pregnancy behind me, I can't help but wonder if it did do the trick.

Plus, have I mentioned what my OB said about my pelvic region during my c-section? She said it was beautiful. Perfect. Normal. And she sees a lot of pelvises.

I guess we'll find out soon. Well, not too soon, but soon. As soon as it's safe for my uterus, that is.