Coming clean

I'm so behind in posting. And it weighs on me. As do my thank you cards, emails I have yet to return, the blanket that's taking me six months to knit, etc., etc.

So right now I find myself with a few minutes as Clara sleeps (although she is due to wake up any minute, of course) and most of my chores are done.

I have so many updates circulating in my mind. Even though I haven't posted regularly in quite some time, I still think in blog posts on a regular basis. I kind of write them in my head. And lately, that's where they have stayed.

I think part of the reason I have resisted posting (the main reason, of course, is time) is because I have so much to say and any post I attempt would be a hodge podge. Well, I can't worry about that right now, so here's a hodge podge...

I will say, first, that Clara is doing better, although she does seem to have trouble breathing today. And I am stressed about it. I am struggling with how to know when she needs a breathing treatment, when she's really bad, when to call the doctor. I am probably doing an okay job, but it just gets to you, you know? I think only now am I fully feeling the weight of her hospitalization. When we were there it was pretty much a whirlwind and I just went with the flow. Now, home, I think it's hitting me. Plus, I don't have the round-the-clock care from nurses and doctors that was so reassuring.

So, there has been something that I've been wanting to post about for some time. I think this is another reason why I haven't come here in a while, because I wasn't sure how I could really be my (new) self. I am a completely different person than I was pre-Clara. Throughout the last couple of years, All You Who Hope was a sad, shell of a person who was doing her best to hang on and I am not that person any more. At all. And I haven't been sure how to come here - the place where I expressed the depths of my depression for two years, and received countless blessings through the support of so many of you - when I'm not that person any longer.

Honestly, I am okay with it, but I have worried about all of you. So many of you are still hurting, and the last thing I want to do is shove my happiness in your face. I know all too well what it feels like to click onto a blog where the person is just happy as can be with their little baby. Especially one where the author was in my boat not too long ago. At best, it was heartbreaking, a reminder of what I was lacking, and, at worst, I resented those mothers terribly. I don't blame anyone who feels that way. It's all part of the struggle.

So I don't want it to be offensive, but at the same time, I don't feel right hiding my new-found joy. This blog is nothing if not honest. And, after all, I have written so many terribly sad posts and questioned on here so often why God would let me suffer, don't I owe it to Him to now sing from the rooftops about how happy I am? I can't imagine that God wants anyone to keep their happiness inside.

And I also think about how my story is different from those who have been blessed with a pregnancy. I didn't get a positive test, never have. God gave me our child in a manner that I used to think was a "plan b". I adopted. I should be sharing my miracle with all who will listen, because I would have wanted to read that story when I was struggling with starting the process.

So, without further ado, I am coming clean about this - I am completely, 100% happy. Like I have never experienced before in my life, happy. I am like a different person. My husband wonders where his wife went and who this is in her place! I love Clara with every fiber of my being and I don't even think about the fact that I didn't carry her for nine months. I mean, really, whose heart wouldn't overflow when looking at this face?



My whole mind-set has changed. I used to be, for so long, so utterly depressed. Everything was gray; nothing gave me pleasure. I was miserable. Now, it couldn't possibly be more different. My outlook is one of excitement for every new day. I don't care what is going on around me, I am content just to be with Clara and to be her mother. I didn't know it was possible to be this totally content.

I am actually pretty surprised about this. I am a pretty complicated person, emotionally. I have dealt with depression and anxiety, even pre-infertility. I also am my own worst enemy and often end up derailing myself. So I would have expected to have issues even after taking Clara home. I expected to resist happiness, because that's what I do. To not be comfortable with it, after not feeling it for so long. Well, by the grace of God, I had no trouble with the transition at all. My demeanor shifted from sadness to joy overnight and I've never looked back.

Now, I am not completely naive to think that I'll never again be depressed. That I'll never wish I could carry a child in my womb, or that I won't wilt under the pressures of motherhood. And, although I can't possibly imagine it now, there may be attachment issues at some point. I will deal with that as it comes, but for now, I am reveling in what I dreamed about for so long, which I, at times, honestly didn't think I'd experience until Heaven - pure and utter joy.

So there it is. I feel better having gotten that off my chest, and I will try not to shy away from it in the future. I hope I can be an example to those of you still waiting. It can happen. Your life can go from misery to contentment in no time at all. It may take five-and-a-half years (or longer) but God's plan will play out for you. It may not be what you wanted or expected, but it will probably be even better.

I know not everyone experiences such a profound change like I did, but I pray that you will. Miracles do happen!

Clara update

For the complete story on Clara's illness and hospital stay, check out Ryan's post about the whole ordeal on her blog. He tells it beautifully.

Prayers needed

I am writing from the pediatric unit at the hospital. Unfortunately, Clara has RSV and because she is having trouble breathing, she was admitted this afternoon.

I would really appreciate your prayers for her. She is stable right now and is sound asleep. Needless to say, I was very scared this morning when the pediatrician first told me to take her here, but now I realize it's the best thing for her. They'lll take good care of her and make sure she can breathe. As one nurse told me today, as she was suctioning her nose, mucus means a baby can't breathe and without breathing you can't live. I'd rather be here where they will make sure she is getting as much oxygen as possible, than be home and worried about her all night.

I will update when I know more. We should be here about three days and they told me to be prepared for her to get worse before she gets better. I've been asking her patron saints for their intercession and will continue to do so. What great ones she has in her corner!

I ovulate

Well my right ovary, battle-worn and twice reconstructed, is still going strong. It ovulated sometime in the last 24 hours - which also happened to be cycle day 13 or 14 - and I have ultrasound evidence to prove it.

I have been going in for ultrasounds every day since last Friday. The follicle grew at an appropriate rate until it was 25 mm (is that the right unit of measurement?) yesterday and then 15 mm today. I needed to keep going until it had reduced in size by more than 7.5 mm, and it did, so I am done.

Everything looked normal and great. Although the doctor did say that the uterine lining wasn't yet as it should be by ovulation. Something about it having lines or something, which should go away by ovulation. Mine was still there, although it was getting smaller. He didn't act like it was a big deal at all. Sorry if that sounds confusing. For some reason I didn't file those details away in my brain like I should have, but I thought I'd include it in case one of you could make any sense of it.

So that's that. I ovulate. And on cycle day 14! Who knew?! I had ovulation pain late last night, so technically it was probably on cycle day 13. I've also had increasingly peak-type mucus, and none so far today. Could this be a text-book cycle? I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'll probably have great mucus for at least three more days.

I'm still getting my blood drawn every couple days, and I can't wait to see if my levels coincide with ovulation. I have a hunch they won't, but I could be wrong.

Well, I do have a lot more to say, but Clara is starting to wake up so it will have to wait for another post. I hardly ever get on our desk top computer anymore, and while I could post from my phone, I just hate typing with one finger, which is made even more difficult when you are feeding a baby with your other hand. So here I am... extremely over due for an update and with a lot to say. Hopefully it won't be another week before I get a chance to write again!

Ultrasound series success

So thanks to the grace of God, and my sister pushing me to call around, I found a great place to get my ultrasound series done. Seriously, I can't believe it has worked out like this. I really thought I'd never find a place that would do it. Some places I called had no idea what I was talking about. But finally one place directed me to another place, and that place agreed to do it.

I went today for my baseline and it was awesome. I could just tell they were very high-tech and knew what they were doing. As soon as I walked in, the tech asked if it'd be alright if the doctor brought two medical students in with him. The doctor? Wow! Of course I didn't mind. The more insight the better!

The doctor was so nice. I got a great feeling from him immediately, and the students too. They asked me some questions about my history and couldn't believe all my diagnoses. The woman student said I was an endocrinologist's dream! I wanted to say, go ahead! Study me! I'll be your guinea pig!!

Then they asked why I was seeing a doctor in PA. I kindly explained about how I wasn't interested in IVF and that you have to go further away to find a doctor who doesn't do it and will help you to achieve pregnancy without it. Then the tech pointed to the doctor and said that's what he does. Then the female student agreed and said he was great at finding a diagnoses and doesn't go to IVF right away. The doctor humbly played it off and said that he does work with infertile patients (the place I went isn't just for infertility). I can't explain why, but it really rubbed me the right way. So often, infertility doctors can have a God-complex, but this man didn't seem to. He was very warm and I got a great feeling about him. I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps God put me there because maybe I am supposed to get help from him in the future. It would be nice to have a good local doctor. And the office is part of a teaching hospital, so I bet they would be good at figuring out what's actually wrong, maybe more than the average RE.

Anyways, so they did the ultrasound and had no trouble finding my right ovary (Dr. L couldn't find it after several tries this past fall). It had a few small follicles on it and the doctor said the ovary itself was in the right place and was a good size (I asked him about both things since I have had multiple surgeries on it). The left one was harder to locate, and once they did find it, they noted that it was higher up than it normally should be. That ovary also had a few small follicles. My uterine lining was good, although a little thicker than normal (anyone know what that means?).

The doctor commented that for having multiple surgeries, my ovarian reserve appears good since both ovaries had multiple follicles. He couldn't tell which ovary should ovulate this month, but at least something seems to be in the works. I guess I'll find out more this Friday when I go on day ten (I was supposed to go on day 12 but it's a Sunday).

I'm also having no trouble at all getting my blood drawn this month either. Thanks be to God for things going smoothly!

In other news, we just had an awesome visit with my sister and her husband. They got to meet Clara for the first time and didn't want to leave! We wish they could have stayed even longer, since we really don't get to seem them that much at all. They live in CA, and we really wish they were closer. Here are some pics from their visit:

First Super Bowl, and the team from her birth state won!

It was hard saying goodbye!

I realized after posting this that Clara is sleeping in every picture, so here are a couple more where she's awake:

Watch Ryan tonight..*Update*

We are so excited because Ryan is going to be reporting live on the NBC Nightly News tonight! He's going to be doing the second story of the broadcast, on the snow in Richmond. Depending on when Nightly News airs in your area (some markets air it at 7), it should be on shortly after 6:30 p.m.

This is an extremely rare opportunity for a reporter. I'm so proud of him!

UPDATE - Unfortunately it's been cancelled.. Darn! It's sleeting instead of snowing here now and NBC decided that it wasn't exciting enough for a live shot. We're bummed!