My appointment and a huge change

My appointment with Dr. S went okay. I did arrive 30 minutes late, so it got off to a bad start. I had the time wrong by 15 minutes and thought we were actually 15 minutes late, but it was worse. And the appointment was at 7:15 a.m., I should add. After waking up to feed a baby all night, that was a tough one (obviously, since we couldn't pull it off).

So we arrived 30 minutes late and were taken back to the exam room. Dr. S came in and asked a bunch of questions about my history. I did find it rather difficult to recall specifically what all my pelvic pains were in recent months - the duration, severity, location, type, etc. I don't know, they all blend together after years of pain!

He then did the exam and I also had my annual done since it was overdue. Then, in the interest of warning all of you who are going to see him in the coming months, he did another type of exam. The kind that involves, well, I don't feel like typing it out, but if you really want to know you can email me. It's the type of exam that I was warned about, myself, ahead of time, and feared for several hours leading up to it.

Then he came back in and said he would like me to do a month-long hormone series next cycle, the kind where you get your blood drawn every other day or so. At the same time, he wants me to do a ultrasound series as well. I know that's sounds pretty basic, but after five years of infertility, this will be the first time those two things are done simultaneously (as long as I can find a place in the next few days where they are willing to do the ultrasounds the way Dr. S has outlined).

He also said he would like me to have another hysterosalpinogram (I just typed that from memory, so it might be way off of what it's really called, but it's the tube thing). I've already had it done twice and it was always normal, so probably not my problem but possibly worth checking into.

He also said he could tell from the internal exam that I might possibly have adhesions on my right ovary, the same one that was operated on last August, as well as on some muscle that connects the cervix to something. I don't really remember. But he did say it might not be affecting my fertility at all. And he said my uterus is tilted to the right.

That was it. He really didn't offer me any guesses at what may be wrong. Hopefully the hormone series and ultrasounds will give him more to go on. I have a follow-up appointment scheduled for April. Oh, and he prescribed me some low dose naltrexone.

I'm really indifferent about it all. I was very glad to be able to visit FJIEJ and to meet her husband (who are so sweet and hospitable!), but as far as trying to figure out what's wrong with me, I'm kind of over it. I'm hoping I can find the motivation to look for a place to have the ultrasounds done. It's not my priority any more, to say the least.

During the appointment I actually sat on the exam table and uttered seven words I thought would never come out of my mouth. Something so unimaginable that I'm sure hell got a cold front and probably, somewhere, pigs were flying.

I don't even want to be pregnant.

I said it. And if you don't believe me, Ryan witnessed it, although he was in shock.

I mean, is it wrong that I am secretly happy I got Clara just days after finding out about her, rather than nine months later? Is it wrong that I am secretly glad that I don't have to endure any of the physical problems of being pregnant (I just know that I'd have issues)?

The thing is, after falling in love with Clara, I realized wholeheartedly that I don't need a pregnancy to get exactly what I've always wanted - a baby to love and the privilege of being her mother.

Trust me, I am blown away that I am thinking these thoughts. I coveted a pregnancy for so long that I didn't think I could ever remember what it'd be like to not be centrally focused on that one goal. But, literally overnight, it all went away. It's clearly the grace of God, and I am here to say that He works miracles.

I am not saying I won't ever have tough times again, and I might go through spurts where I wish I could have a biological child. But, at least in this moment, I have no desire. None. And I am eternally grateful for it. The most monstrous weight imaginable has been lifted off my shoulders. There is light after the darkness. God is so good.

Big appointment this week

So we leave for my big doctor's appointment tomorrow. We'll head up to stay with FJIEJ, which I am very excited about! And then the appointment is early in the morning (really early - before 8 a.m.) on Thursday.

Before Clara, I planned on being completely prepared for the appointment, with notes and a game plan, but that has all been thrown out the window. I am way too busy to worry about that now, so I'm going to wing it. It probably wouldn't have mattered anyways.

I'm going to focus on just getting completely healthy, hormonally speaking, and also preventing another surgery, as much as that is possible. I also wouldn't mind finding out what is actually causing my infertility. That'd be nice. I tend to think something isn't clicking right at ovulation, so hopefully he will have some insight into that.

You all continue to be in my prayers. I really feel called lately to pray for all the infertility bloggers, and many of you by name. Now that I know just how joyful life can be, I just want it to happen for all of you right now!

At adoration today, I imagined what it must have been like for God to listen to me crying for so many years, begging Him to deliver me from my suffering, as He, all along, knew that He would be giving Clara to me on January 6, 2010. I picture Christ and Our Lady, wanting to reach out to me, wanting to tell me that it would all be fine, more than fine, very soon. And I believe they did, a number of times, in different ways. It was those life lines that kept me going.

Well, Clara is waking up so I have to go, but just please know that you are all on my heart. I wish I could post more, and once I get better at juggling everything, I will. I will update about my appointment on either Thursday or Friday. I know many of you will be seeing this very doctor in the weeks and months ahead, so I'll give you all the low down!

So much

I wish I would have had more of an opportunity to really reflect on all that has happened. There is just so much. So many angles I need to reflect upon. So much gratitude. So much love for baby Clara. For all of you.

I wish I could get it all down and out of my head. There is just so much I want to say. I still want to write down the entire story of how all this happened. I want to talk about my complete joy of becoming a mother and how it is everything I dreamed it would be and more. How it was worth the battle it took to get here. I want to talk about how it has changed my struggle with infertility. I want to write to those who are considering adoption but wondering if it will fill the void in their hearts left by their inability to conceive.

I will hopefully get to some of that in the days to come, but there are some things I want to touch on tonight.

First, I can't say enough about our gratitude and I'm always worried that I haven't stressed this enough. I haven't even gone into detail about all the help we got and how it made this adoption possible (or have I? Well, no amount of attention paid to it would be enough).

There are our families. At the drop of a hat, they all put up large sums of money. Just like that. My two sisters and brother-in-law. Ryan's parents. My parents. We will pay them back over time, and the adoption tax credit will really make up the bulk of it next year, but they didn't even flinch. We are so blessed. To write about our gratitude here seems silly.

Then there are the donations we received from this blog. Seriously, they were so substantial that they will put a significant dent in the money that we owe. I'm not kidding. What you all came together and did should go down in history. It's got to be a first, right? Bloggers helping someone they've never met adopt? Unbelievable. (And please know that I have thank you cards coming. And anyone who ordered a movie, they are in the process of being shipped.. it's just taking a little longer than in my pre-Clara days.)

We also received donations from family members and dear friends through the blog. Every time a donation came in, we were stunned. I have never before felt so much tangible love. We are in awe of the goodness of people.

Then there are the material donations. Clothes. Toys. Furnishings. You name it. The vast majority of things I didn't even know we needed, but we sure do. My in-laws scrambled once they heard the news, gathering everything you could imagine, washing the previously-used items and sorting everything for days. They equipped us for the ride down when I was just a walking zombie.

I look at Clara's closet now and can't believe that just a couple weeks ago it was filled with suits and ties. It's now a sea of pink - preemie sleepers she wears now, and lots of clothes I can't wait for her to fit into in the coming months. I sometimes just stare at that closet, because it's a representation of what came together in the blink of an eye, thanks completely to the kindness of our family, our friends, and complete strangers.

We are blessed beyond measure.

The other thing I often reflect on is my former self. Boy, do I want to hug her. I'm not ashamed of the way I reacted to my infertility in the past, before the adoption. I always used to say that if I ever became a mother, that I wouldn't regret my actions, and I don't. I did the best I could. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. It was as if someone was holding my head under water and I was fighting for air every. single. day.

I don't have to tell all of you about that. But my point is that just because I am arguably on "the other side" now, that doesn't mean that I am going to be hard on my former self. Just the opposite, actually. That person I used to be tried hard. She fought. She hung on and endured some pretty rough crap. She didn't know if it would ever end. She assumed it wouldn't.

My heart breaks for her and I tear up just thinking about it, and about all of you who are still fighting. It's so easy for me to say, "hang on! Your time will come!" So I won't. I didn't want to hear it then, and you might not want to hear it now. I will just keep praying for all of you every day, that your time is just around the corner. I want all of you to be as happy as I am. I wish I could make it happen for every single one of you.

In adoration today, Clara's first time, I came across a passage that summed up my feelings exactly. I loved it as soon as I started reading it and it just got better and better as it went on. Then, I read in the notes that the psalmist was recently delivered from suffering himself. How fitting. I especially like this part near the end:

When the just cry out, the LORD hears and rescues them from all distress.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.
Many are the troubles of the just, but the LORD delivers from them all.
God watches over all their bones; not a one shall be broken.

The thought of God watching over all our bones comforts me. He is watching over every single one of us, even those of us whose ovaries don't work. And, like this psalmist, I want to tell my former self, and all of you, to hold on and trust in the Lord. He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those whose spirit is crushed.

Psalm 34

I will bless the LORD at all times; praise shall be always in my mouth.
My soul will glory in the LORD that the poor may hear and be glad.
Magnify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.
I sought the LORD, who answered me, delivered me from all my fears.
Look to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces may not blush for shame.
In my misfortune I called, the LORD heard and saved me from all distress.
The angel of the LORD, who encamps with them, delivers all who fear God.
Learn to savor how good the LORD is; happy are those who take refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you holy ones; nothing is lacking to those who fear him.
The powerful grow poor and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

Who among you loves life, takes delight in prosperous days?
Keep your tongue from evil, your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
The LORD has eyes for the just and ears for their cry.
The LORD'S face is against evildoers to wipe out their memory from the earth.
When the just cry out, the LORD hears and rescues them from all distress.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.
Many are the troubles of the just, but the LORD delivers from them all.
God watches over all their bones; not a one shall be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked; those who hate the just are condemned.
The LORD redeems loyal servants; no one is condemned whose refuge is God.

New baby blog

Sorry for the drought, but I've been busy!

My parents left Monday morning and I was sad to see them go. It was so great to see them and have them meet their granddaughter.

When they left, it meant I was on my own with Clara for the first time. It was a little scary, but I felt very prepared. Yesterday and today went great, although time management is definitely going to be necessary! I am trying to get a routine going, but as luck would have it, Clara was fussy for the first time the past two days. My mother thinks she may miss her grandma! While I am sure there is some truth to that, I think it's because she is getting hungrier every day and I might not be giving her enough to eat each time. It's a learning process!

She is such an incredibly good baby. She is getting bigger all the time and is more alert every day. She is seven weeks today, and while she is still smaller than most newborns, I'm hoping she'll be up to six pounds at her doctor's appointment next Monday.

So I've been thinking a lot about this blog. First, I should let all of my infertility blogger friends know that practically everyone in our real life now knows about this blog. For some of my fellow bloggers that might be a shocking thought (especially when imagining all of your real life friends and family reading your blog), but we don't mind. I really think it's due to God's grace that I'm not embarrassed at the thought that someone could go back and read every details of not only my medical history but also my mental history (to all my real life friends and family if you hadn't thought about doing that until you just read this, please disregard!). I just try to focus on the greater good - that if someone does read it all (which hopefully most are too busy and/or disinterested to do), then it is bringing awareness to the plight of the infertile woman, especially the Catholic infertile woman. If I have to expose myself in order to shed some light on a topic that is usually kept in the dark, then so be it. As I told a friend yesterday, I have yet to have anything negative come from letting real life friends and family read this blog. It has only brought immeasurable blessings, and I hope it continues to do so.

We gave out my blog address so everyone we know could follow along our adoption journey and it was a wonderful way for everyone in New York, Virginia, North Carolina and elsewhere to feel like they were along for the trip. But while the journey to pick her up as ended, their desire for Clara updates has not.

So what do I do? Clearly this blog is not the place for detailed descriptions of her eating/sleeping patterns; it has felt awkward talking about that here this past week, although I was way too busy to worry about that at the time.

What I've decided to do is start a new blog that will chronicle my life as Clara's mom, and will feature what everyone in our real life really wants - pictures.

So without further ado, introducing our new, other blog: Our Life With Clara.

Feel free to read it, or not. Since it's not linked to this blog in any way (other than the link I just posted), I am going to be myself on it, real name and all! It'll be mainly for our relatives and friends who live far from us and who are interested in all the mundane details of our lives as new parents.

And hopefully I'll be posting here more often once I get a routine going. I miss it, and all of you! And while I am overjoyed beyond belief to be a mother and suddenly feel about zero pressure to be pregnant, I am still going to be pursuing the cause of my infertility for the time being (I am definitely not at my optimum health and isn't that the point of NaPro, after all?). So stay tuned for my appointment with Dr. S next week!

Update - I fixed the commenting on the new blog (or at least I hope I did). Thanks for pointing out there was a problem!

Grandparents!

I am so excited that my parents are here! I have looked forward to this for years - my parents coming to meet my baby and their grandchild. It has been so much fun just relaxing, taking care of Clara, shopping for Clara. I don't want them to leave!

They love their little granddaughter and can't get over what a great baby she is. Here are some pictures of yesterday and today:

The nursery

I love my present from all my blog friends!!


A glider! It couldn't be more perfect. You are all so generous! Thank you, thank you!

Here's another shot of it in the nursery, and some more views of the room:

Sleeping baby

I am loving this motherhood thing. It is everything I dreamed it would be the past five-and-a-half years. And I have much more to say at a later date on this topic, but I just wanted to say for now that I am so completely happy that it does make up for that terribly difficult time of waiting. As bad as that was (and it was bad) is as good as this is.

Not that I intend for this blog to become a detailed account of my child's every movement, but for now that is my life so I'm going with it. So here goes...

Believe it or not, Clara slept through the night last night (well, again, I'm up late so we're talking Monday night here). I've been told, though, that it may not necessarily be a good thing, since, being a preemie, she still needs to eat and gain weight. But I've also been told it might be okay as long as she is eating a lot during the day (which she is).

And by sleeping through the night, I mean she slept from 12 p.m. until 7 a.m. I was shocked when I heard her cry, looked at the clock and saw that it was morning. Maybe it's true what they say - that God blesses those of us who have struggled for so long with good babies (or was that cute babies? Both work for me).

So I know this is not something most new mothers say, but tonight I think I'm going to actually set an alarm so I can wake her up to eat. I'm going to let her sleep for five hours (if she even goes that long). It may not be an issue; last night could have been a one-time occurrence, but we'll see. And I'll ask her doctor about it the next time we see him.

We are SO excited that Clara's other set of grandparents are coming tomorrow! My parents are making the trip from New York and we can't wait. My mother-in-law, meanwhile, will be leaving tomorrow. She's been with me since we got home and she has been such an incredible help. It's just nice to be able to ease into taking care of a little baby, since there's always someone there to help out.

You should hear my mother-in-law and I all day long - we just can't stop saying how adorable Clara is! She is so sweet and we can't get enough of her.

It's late now and, just like I posted at this time yesterday, I should be getting some sleep. So here's today's picture (I have been so busy that I haven't even had time to take pictures!) taken with my camera phone this evening as she slept on my chest. It was so sweet I just had to capture the moment:

Clara goes to the doctor

I took Clara to the pediatrician today (well, it's late.. technically it was yesterday) and she did great! She weighed 5 lb, 2 oz, which we were very happy to hear. The doctor said while she's obviously smaller than other babies her age, she is on track for being a preemie. He said she'll probably be a couple months behind until she catches up at age two (Clara at age two.. I can just picture it now!). She has her next appointment in two weeks when she'll get some shots, and in the meantime we have to get some shots ourselves.

I noticed that I might have left out some obvious details, or perhaps not everyone wants to go back and read through everything to find certain pieces of information, so I thought I'd put them all in one place. Here are Clara's stats:

* Born Dec. 1 in Loui.siana
* She weighed 3 lb, 2 oz at birth
* Was roughly two months early (birthmother had no prenatal care so they didn't know exactly how early she really was)
* Was in the hospital until Dec. 28 (she even spent her first Christmas in the hospital!)
* Her birthmother is caucasian and her birthfather was either Hispanic or African-American (we are excited to see what she ends up looking like, since her ethnicity is sort of a mystery. Most people guess that she looks more Hispanic at the moment)
* Birthmother signed a surrender last month; birthfather is unknown. The attorney is taking the necessary measures to terminate all bf rights, which should happen at four months
* The adoption won't be finalized for 14 months. I know, that is a long time. Lou.isiana takes a year to finalize, and then the actual process takes two months. VA would have been six (really eight) months, but also $4,000 extra (since we would have had to hire our own attorney). We had about an hour to make a decision last week, and we decided to just stick with LA.
* She is an absolutely amazing baby! I know I'm biased, but she really is!

I'm off to bed now. I've been making the mistake of not going to bed when she does, which I know I need to start doing. She had a great night last night. Hoping tonight goes just as well!

And, of course, some pictures before I go:

Clara and her cousin Jonathan, trying out her crib. He's only two, but looks so huge next to her!

Clara meeting some fellow preemies! These adorable twins were born to friends of ours, about a week after Clara.

Sinking in

Today was a great day. I think it's just starting to really sink in that my life has become exactly what I've been dreaming about for so long. It's better than I could ever have imagined!

We love this little girl like crazy. I worried for a long time that it wouldn't be the same, that adoption would somehow be lacking something. And while I don't know firsthand what it would be like to have a biological child, I can't imagine that it's any more magical than this.

As I walked up for communion at Mass this morning, Ryan and Clara behind me, all I could think about was how, for five years, I've walked towards the Eucharist feeling as if the crown of thorns was upon my head. But, today, I felt like Christ after the Resurrection. There are so many incarnations of Jesus, and we experience all of them at different times of our lives. He was there beside me when it was painful, and He is here with me now as we rejoice.

And now some more pictures, since I know that's what most of you are waiting for anyways...

Meeting L for the very first time

With L's son E, who looks so huge next to Clara! And it was so cute, he was rubbing her head!

With Aunt Ashley

Clara's first night in her bassinet

Clara meets her family...

...and they loved her, of course! We're heading home now to Richmond, where she'll be in her home for the first time and she'll meet Sophie Belle. We're hoping that goes well!

For now though, some more pictures for your viewing pleasure:

Meeting her grandma and aunts

With cousin Jonny

He was hysterical with her! He must have decided he wanted to hold her like this, so before we knew it he just moved her to his shoulder!

Smiling at grandma (or having gas!)

More pics, and Clara visits a Poor Clare

We're still on the road, but we're excited because we're now in North Carolina. Clara will get to meet her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousin in just a couple hours!

Once I'm home and not blogging from a phone or a dying laptop with an air card (greatest invention ever, by the way), I'm going to tell the whole story of the day we picked her up, what it's like to be an instant mother, and just try to sum up what this whole experience has been like. Plus, I would be remiss if I didn't devote a great deal of time to praising God, since I sure was quick to write about my frustrations with Him the last few years!

For now, though, I thought you might like more pictures of our teeny, tiny miracle:

Minutes after we first met her




With R from Pray, Hope, Don't Worry, and LIM


R, saying goodbye to Clara

We were so excited to take Clara to her very first Mass today! We went to daily Mass this morning at the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament in Hanceville, AL (the shrine that Mother Angelica built). And after Mass we received an incredible blessing. R's (from Pray, Hope, Don't Worry) sister-in-law, Sister Agnes, is a Poor Clare there and after R told her about us the other day, she got permission to meet us after Mass. We were thrilled beyond words, especially since Clara is named for St. Clare, and Ryan thought of the name several months ago while reading the book about Mother Angelica. Ryan was very familiar with who Sr. Agnes was after reading the book, so she was kind of like a celebrity to us!

We were taken behind locked doors to a parlor where the sisters can meet with guests, and Sr. Agnes met with us there for about 15 to 20 minutes. She was so kind, and beautiful, and she kept commenting on how tiny Clara was (it's hard not to!). Before we left, she even gave Clara an Agnes Dei medal that she said was blessed by Pope Benedict! Thanks, R, for setting up an amazing meeting that we'll tell Clara about for years to come!

Ryan and Clara, waiting for her to come in the room.


That's the side of the room that Sr. Agnes was on when she spoke with us.


Me and Clara, after our wonderful meeting with Sr. Agnes.

The hallway outside of the room where we met. I just wanted to get pictures of everything so it would be easier to tell the story later! Although I'm completely kicking myself because I chickened out and didn't ask Sr. Agnes to take a picture with us. I didn't know if it was allowed, but apparently it was! Oh well.


And now, without further ado, some bare-skinned baby shots (taken after we gave Clara a bath for the first time [not her first bath, of course, but ours!]:

Clara in action

Since her daddy is on TV, I thought it would only be natural to share Clara's first video appearance! She sleeps a lot, so here is a rare look at her open eyes:



We're on our way home now. I'm in the back seat with the baby since I just fed her. She's back to sleep now and I'm about to sleep too, if at all possible, since I have a pretty bad cold and can barely keep my eyes open.

We made a quick stop in New Orleans, where we ate some absolutely delicious beignets. Holy cow, they were good! It was our first time trying beignets, and our first time in New Orleans.

Yummmmmmm...

Clara slept right through her first visit to the French Quarter

We're now in Mississippi, and we'll make it about half way to Ryan's parents' tonight. Tomorrow night we'll stay at their house, and head home to Richmond on Saturday morning.

Everyone wonders how our first night went, and I guess it went fine! She ate at 11:30 p.m., then again at 12:30 a.m. (that was only because she only ate about 2/3 of her bottle at 11:30 before falling asleep with the bottle in her mouth; we'll know for next time that we should try to get her to finish more of it), 3:30 (apparently I woke up and asked Ryan to feed her; I have no memory of that!), then at 7. So, just like during the day, she goes about three to three-and-a-half hours. A couple times she has gone four hours, which is the longest the nanny says we should let her go without eating.

Okay, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Hopefully I'll post more later if I can!

Pictures