Wild day on the water

Are you ready for a story? Because I've got one!

So Saturday we spent the day out on GIMH's new sailboat. Ryan had a very rare Saturday off and we were so excited to go. We went out in the early afternoon, and we were having a great time. The weather was awesome, we ate lunch, and then the guys decided to go swimming.

I figured out that my camera could take a bunch of shots in quick succession, so I was having a great time taking shots of the guys jumping off the boat. In fact, here's a series of shots of my husband (and let me just say that I have NO idea what he was thinking. When I looked at them immediately afterwards on my camera I was like, "are you shooting guns with your fingers and sticking out your tongue?" Yes, in fact, he was):







So after the guys jumped in we quickly realized that while it felt like the boat wasn't moving, it definitely was. We were actually in a river, a very wide river that looked like a lake, but a river nonetheless and there was a fairly strong current. The guys had to swim pretty quickly to make it back to the boat:

Then it was the girls' turn. First GIMH went...

And she struggled even more to get back to the boat. The guys threw her a line and pulled her in.

So, let me pause to just say that as I'm typing this, it seems pretty obvious at this point that maybe I shouldn't have jumped in. What, with the whole current thing, and I'm not exactly Mich.ael Phe.lps, after all. But, of course, hindsight's 20/20. I was hesitant to jump, but that was more because I was afraid of hitting the cold water. Eventually, though, I did it:

I jumped off the front side, but as soon as I hit the water and resurfaced, the boat had already passed me. I was still totally not concerned about making it back to the boat and even made a crack about it from the water. Immediately, the guys threw me a line, but it fell short. That's when things started to take a turn. The boat was quickly getting away from me and I was frantically swimming but not making up any ground. Thankfully, GIMH's husband thought to throw me a floatation device, like a flat cushion, that I eventually got to and held onto for dear life.

Amazingly, I was in good spirits for the first five minutes or so. Alone, watching the boat drift further and further away, I was actually laughing to myself, thinking what a funny situation we had found ourselves in (maybe I was already delusional!). Of course, I figured they'd soon be starting the motor and making their way over to rescue me.

In the distance, I could see someone - probably GIMH's husband I figured at the time - was starting the motor. I could see his arm making the motion of pulling the cord, once, then twice. Then he stopped. But nothing was happening. I couldn't hear any motor noise and the boat was still quickly drifting further away.

That is when the panic set in.

I was completely alone, clinging to a life preserver, in the middle of a large body of water. And my boat was heading in the other direction. Something was clearly wrong.

I remember I started screaming, not that anyone could hear me. My mind started to race - will anyone see me?... will I somehow drown?... it happens all the time that even good swimmers drown... is this how I will die?... I wonder what they're doing... how long will this take?... is there something I should be doing?... what do they say on those survival shows?... maybe this is why God made me infertile, because I was going to die at age 32, in a river.

As I bobbed up and down in the water, I went back and forth between panicking and calming myself down. After all, I wasn't in the ocean, the water was warm, I had a life preserver, and it was hours from sundown. Surely, someone would come to rescue me. But I am a panicky person when nothing is going wrong, let alone when there is a real reason to panic, so panic I did.

Eventually what calmed me down was saying Hail Marys over and over and over. I'm not going to say I heard any voices, because I didn't, but as I prayed, I did start to tell myself I was going to be okay.

Soon, I could see someone jump off of the boat. I could make out that it was GIMH's husband and he had an orange life vest with him. I doubted at first that he'd even make it to me, he was so far away, but eventually he did. Looking back, that's when my ordeal really ended - I completely calmed down, and I knew we'd be safe in only a matter of time. I even asked him if they were freaking out back on the boat and he told me that no, everything was fine.

Little did I know what was actually going on back on the boat. But I'll get to that in a minute.

So her husband and I started swimming (well, he swam and pulled me, or else we would have drifted apart) but he soon realized we were getting nowhere. At one point, we saw a speedboat in the distance and we waved our life preservers to get their attention, but they kept on going.

Then, in the direction of the sailboat, we saw another boat coming at us. But then it turned and went towards our sail boat. We knew Ryan and GIMH must have been telling the man where to find us, and he quickly came in our direction. We were safe! He picked us up and brought us back to the sailboat.

As we pulled up, I saw GIMH's face and she was crying. I quickly realized that they had been freaking out and everything wasn't fine.

I later learned that at the time that her husband jumped in, my husband was on the phone with 911 and on the radio with the Coas.t Gua.rd. Yes, choppers were en route! GIMH was trying to fix the sail and get the boat at least pointing towards us, while Ryan dealt with the rescue attempt. But both of them were very upset. Eventually, they lost sight of us, and I can't even imagine how frightening that was for them both.

At one point, the Coa.st Gu.ard had a fishing vessel also on the radio, and Ryan thought it was the same boat they had minutes earlier pointed in the direction of where they thought we were. Thinking the boat was nearing us, Ryan asked the fishing vessel if he had a visual of us and, shockingly, he said 'no.' That is what Ryan says was the scariest moment of all.

It turned out that the boat that eventually picked us up didn't even have a working radio. He had not heard the call and just happened to be driving by. It was not him who said he had no visual. But Ryan and GIMH didn't know that at the time.

After hearing that there was no visual, they spent the next five or ten minutes contemplating that we had died. It might sound crazy, since we were completely okay, but it could have happened. You just never know. There are news stories all the time of competent swimmers drowning. And the guy who picked us up told us we were also at risk of being hit by another boat, someone who might have had a few beers and wasn't exactly looking for random people in the water.

They didn't know were were okay until we pulled right up to them in the other boat. That's when I saw GIMH crying and realized the gravity of what had just happened.

Ryan and GIMH had a very similar reaction to it all - they were both very affected by it, even lasting into the next day. It makes me have greater sympathy for the family of victims, you know? The trauma they experience.

So, very long story short, I am completely fine. I was not traumatized by the experience at all. I almost wonder if I am repressing something because I was so not affected by it. The worst part, actually, was seeing how upset Ryan and GIMH were (by the way, if you haven't read GIMH's account, she posted about it here).

I made it out with my life, for which I am very thankful, and quite the story to tell!

Frustration

I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm REALLY down about adoption. It just doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon. And by "soon" I mean like within the next year.

And - because it's always nice to remind myself of this - a year from now we'll be 33 and we'll have been married nearly six years, which means we'll have been trying to conceive nearly six years as well.

What brought this all about was that I heard some stuff from our agency today, like that the average wait is a year and a half (AVERAGE!), that adoptions are down dramatically from last year (well, they didn't exactly put it like that, but I'd say 31 last year to 20 this year is a pretty big drop!) and there are more waiting couples about to start waiting.

I don't want to be all negative and I really want to be that person who can wait patiently, but it's just plain hard. People are getting pregnant and having their second, third and fourth babies all around us and we can't even adopt one. It just doesn't make sense on any level.

Lord, we don't always know your ways, but help us to be faithful no matter what. Amen.

Productive day

I don't know if it's the new medication or not, but today was the most productive I've been in a long time! I finished designing programs for my sister's wedding, printed out 50 of them (sounds simple but it involved measuring and scoring all 50 pages and printing fronts and backs), cut out fabric for six table runners, did a load of laundry and the dishes.

Wow! When I write it out like that, it sounds pathetic!

Seriously though, it felt like I was moving, moving, moving all day long...which is great! I didn't feel compelled to lay on the couch, other than one time when I was extremely light headed, but I fought through that and was fine.

Can thyroid medication even work this fast? I know my doctor said we'd need to wait a month to do a blood test to see if my levels have changed, but can it affect my mood and energy level even sooner?

I did have one negative side effect last night. Just before going to bed I became real panicky. I knew it was out of nowhere though, and calmed myself down by telling myself it was the new medication. I got into bed and fell asleep before it escalated. This morning, I googled it and found that panic attacks are something people do experience on the drug. I was fine today, so hopefully I'm through the worst of it.

So this is the first cycle in a long time that I'm not taking Tamoxifen. That means I also won't be taking B6, or having my peak +7, 9 and 11 blood drawn. I'll still chart, but I won't be taking my temp. It's very liberating to not have to worry about any of that.

Last night at adoration I started reading a book that I purchased about three years ago called "Life Shouldn't Look Like This" by Gregory Popcak. I first saw it in the adoration chapel I used to adore at before we moved. I loved it right away (when giving examples of suffering and tough situations, it used a story of infertility...I was in love!) and so I bought my own copy.

Let's just say, it was hard to take at the time. I remember reading it in bed with my husband, actually him reading it to me and me just crying. It was forcing me to realize that I had no joy whatsoever in my life. There was no meaning in it and I was just getting by, and barely. The book would ask questions about what you enjoy doing, trying to draw something out of you and I would just scream that there was NOTHING I enjoyed. It was painful, but true. I was completely incapable of feeling joy or contentment.

I put the book away and didn't return to it until now. Well, it's truly amazing how much has changed. Actually, not much has changed about my situation, but I have changed, thanks be to God.

Back during that time, the book started me thinking about what God's plan was for me and how I could serve him while I waited. One of my favorite parts talks about how we are often scared to be productive while we wait on God because we're afraid that if he sees that we are happy in the meantime, then he won't pluck us out of our tough situation. That was/is so true for me!

Anyways, I really think this book is what lead me to pray that God would give me a calling, something to do to honor him while I waited. And that's right when I started feeling called to make my movie.

I never, ever would have thought back then, as I cried in bed about not having a hobby that I could pursue like the book was urging me to find, that I would have produced a documentary and that it would over a year behind me now. Time definitely flies.

I've only re-read the first chapter, but I'm already looking at it so differently and I think it can help me even more this time around. I was such a mess before that I could only use bits and pieces of the advice.

One of my favorite parts that I read last night is this: "God believes in you. You don't have to believe in yourself. Just believe in God and trust that if he has put you in a spot, he will give you the grace to get out of that spot."

It goes on to say that with every breath you take you should repeat to yourself, "I believe in God. God believes in me." The author acknowledges that it might sound corny, but just asks you to try it.

I can't tell you how much I needed to read that three years ago. I was barely getting by and repeating those words to myself were necessary for survival. And, looking back, God did give me the grace to get out of that spot. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I believe he will continue giving me grace until I am where I want - and he wants me - to be.

I'll post insights I get from the book in the days ahead. Okay, because I can't resist, here's one more before I go:

"Do you pray that your life would be a reflection of what God created you to do and who he created you to be? Imagine if you could pray that prayer like you meant it every day for the rest of your life. What couldn't you accomplish? By choosing to want what God wants for you, you set yourself on the path to fulfilling the purpose for which you were created, and thus you set yourself on the path to fulfillment."

Isn't that great? The thought of living the life for which I was created and being fulfilled by it sounds truly wonderful!

God, please let my life be a reflection of what you created me to do and who you created me to be. Amen.

The end of an era

It's 10:30 p.m. and I'm not taking my T3!

I started my new thyroid meds today and so far, so good. I was super nervous to start them for some reason. I was having almost like a panic attack about it, but I just took the first one this morning and it was fine. I guess I was nervous after hearing about possible side effects, mainly heart palpitations and a racing heartbeat, which I am prone to. But then I realized hopefully the right combination of thyroid meds will fix that, not make it worse!

I can't describe to you what a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders by stopping the slow-release T3. No more temps and pulses. No more guilt about not taking my temps and pulses! And no more calling PPVI. And I thought eating after 8:30 would take some getting used to, but it didn't! I had no problem breaking the habit and having some food tonight!

I'm now off to adoration where I'll pray for all of you. I'm also going to ask God to help me get back on track. I've been way off of it lately. This post was a good wake-up call though.

Lifehopes surgery update

Lifehopes is doing well after her surgery today. It lasted four hours and no endometriosis was found, but there were lots of adhesions. Her surgeon separated it all and wrapped it up in gore-tex.

Please pray that she isn't in any pain as she recoveres and that the gore-tex does its job over the next several days! And, of course, that her fertility is restored!!

Sewing project and a new cycle

I can't really think of anything to write lately. I think my brain is fried.

I took advantage of a window of opportunity this weekend when I wasn't as fatigued as I have been and made a few purses for my sister's wedding. One for my mom and the other two for me and my sister who will be matron of honor and maid or honor, respectively. Don't get me wrong, I was still out of it and had to really push myself to get off the couch, and I even had to hold myself up a couple times when I was light-headed, but to get anything done is a huge relief in my current state. I now have six table-runners left to make, as well as some other non-sewing projects.

Here is my mom's on the left and my smaller one on the right (mine also has a detachable handle, as you'll see below):

This is my sister's, which is identical to mine. They match our dresses, which are brown with a sash of the same blue silk fabric, which I also made:

The inside of my sister's:

And a make-up bag to go inside my mom's bag:



The handles are all detachable and the bags can also be used as clutches. I'm happy with them, especially since I stressed about having to make the purse for a while (I didn't decide to do the additional bags until my mom's was finished). I had the idea to make it when I was feeling kind of good, and then, well, I hit a rough patch. It's also part of my creative process to think (i.e. stress, worry) about my idea for a while.

Other than actually doing something productive this weekend, I still feel like crap (mentally, that is. Physically, I feel surprisingly well). I'll probably be starting a new cycle today. It will have been a twelve-day luteal phase, which is not bad, if I'm trying to stay positive. Not great, but acceptable.

But I still have been irritable, exhausted, unmotivated, depressed. Seriously, I am not a functioning member of society! And I can't blame all of this on infertility because there are people in far worse situations who get off the couch and make something of themselves.

But, of course, I am blaming it on infertility. It has sucked me of everything. It has made me a ball of raw nerves.

I'm probably going to go shopping today with a gift card I have, trying to drown my sorrow with material purchases. Such is the story of my life - finding outside activities that may help me to forget, for a second, that I can't bear children like everyone else. It never works.

I should probably end this post or else I will have a lot of not so great things to say. I am torn between not wanting to be negative but also being honest. Honesty usually wins and that doesn't make for a very uplifting blog.

I pray that Lifehopes surgery was successful this morning. Please, God, we need some good news!

Test results

My doctor called this morning with test results. I'm always so thrown off when I talk to him, like I'm trying to listen and also frantically think of questions all at the same time! Of course, I got off the phone confused and wished I'd asked more.

First, my progesterone on peak +7 was 23 and my estradiol was 290. He thought those numbers were fabulous. I asked about how they had been even higher in previous months but he didn't think that was a big deal because 23 was still really good. He also said something about wanting to see the progesterone and estradiol in a 10 to 1 ratio, which mine is.

Then he had my thyroid test results. My tsh was 1.2. He likes to see numbers below two, so I guess this is good (although I'm on thyroid meds now, so I wonder if off of them it'd be higher). My free T4 was .7, which he said is 'low normal.' And my free T3 was 4.19, which is 'high normal.' So he is calling in a prescription for me for cytomel and synthroid. I don't know what either of those two things are, but I'm guessing they are T3 and T4. And he's going to re-check my levels in a month.

I'm kind of confused as to what this exactly means. At first I thought that the low T4 meant something, but then I got the impression that the results weren't that abnormal. I think he used the phrase "stone cold normal." But he definitely wants to change my medication, so that's good. It's just weird being in this state of wanting something to be wrong, you know? I'll be kind of sad if my adrenal tests come back normal!

I asked him if the thyroid was enough to be causing my fatigued and he answered that he thinks my fatigue has multiple causes. Very interesting! And just like my infertility!

More tests

I did the adrenal saliva test today. I just finished it minutes ago actually, and can't wait to have a glass of coke zero and my low-carb chocolate ice cream! Both caffeine and chocolate weren't allowed all day.

For those of you who haven't done it, my test involved sucking on a piece of cotton under my tongue for 3-5 minutes, in the morning, at noon, in the late afternoon, and night. You then put the cotton in a vial and refrigerate it. I will mail the vials out tomorrow to a lab, and then will find out the results at a doctor's appointment in a month. I love any reason for another appointment! I'll get to ask all the questions I've been realizing I forgot.

I can't wait to find out the results. Lately, I've been completely out of it and I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with adrenal function. I don't know. I was feeling better in the fall, and into the winter, then this spring fatigue hit me again like a ton of bricks. My doctor tends to think it could be more related to what's going on in my abdomen, possibly the return of endo, but I can't wrap my mind around why that would make me feel fatigued. And fatigued to the point of nearly falling over when I walk from the couch to the bathroom. Today I ventured out to the mall, and I seriously started thinking that maybe I shouldn't go places alone! I mean, I was so dizzy and tired that I wondered what would happen if I just passed out in Pott.ery Bar.n! I think I need a chaperone.

I also googled stuff about thyroid malfunction today and found out something interesting - that ridges in your fingernails can be a sign of a low thyroid. Well, I'm not sure what kind of ridges they mean, but I have both vertical and horizontal ridges, so I have it covered either way! Seriously, my fingernails are weird. Mainly, my thumb nails, and recently my pointer finger nails started doing it as well. I remember doctors asking me in the past if my nails were weak or strong (when discussing thyroid), and I always just said strong, because they are. But I never mentioned the ridges because I didn't know they had anything to do with it.

I had bloodwork done on my thyroid at my appointment on Tuesday, so I'm interested to see what that says as well. I'm pretty sure that no matter what it says, I will be removing myself from the thyroid study at PPVI and my doctor will take over prescribing my thyroid meds. And my doctor doesn't believe in using the slow-release T3 twice a day, which means I won't have to take it every 12 hours and go without eating for six hours a day! Woo hoo!

Well, speaking of that, it's time for my 10:30 p.m. dose of T3. Apparently I am anal retentive when it comes to this...or so it's been pointed out lately. I thought everyone was as precise with this I am. I guess not.

Jam-packed day, with a surprising twist!

Yesterday was quite the day!

My doctor's appointment was nerve-wracking, good, draining and uplifting, all wrapped into one. I was so scared going in, which isn't like me lately. I was a mess.

So then I learned everything I posted about yesterday.

To answer some of your questions about the blood clotting disorder - my doctor said the test, which his office does all the time for women with recurrent miscarriage and/or family history, costs around $900, and that is for the whole panel. He made it sound like you couldn't just test for MTHFR. Have some of you done this? He said the only time insurance covers the test is after three miscarriages, or sometimes after one or two if you can prove there's family history of it, such as clots, strokes, etc. (of which I have none). He also said that even if I tested positive, that he'd treat me with baby aspirin and folic acid, so he told me I can just start taking it now. His theory is why spend money on the test (which I could never afford anyways) to find out I'm positive, only to treat it the same way? And as for the other methods of treatments, I didn't ask him about them specifically, but he uses folic acid and baby aspirin at his office so I guess that's what I'm going to do for now. Actually, I'm not sure I should bother starting it prior to having surgery.

In the end, he really thinks we're barking up the wrong tree with this, but knows it can't hurt to just go ahead and treat it, so we are. I think he's right (which surprised me, actually). I mean, I have SO much else wrong with me still. It's not like I have unexplained infertility or anything. Maybe after we treat everything else (possible endo, adhesions, etc.), we can start to look to other possible issues. I have prayed and prayed about this for months now, and I feel confident that treating it this way is the right thing to do. We're not ignoring it, but I'm also not spending tons of money on something that might not even be my problem either.

As for surgery, I feel good about it. As good as one can feel about surgery. I just have to have the attitude that it needs to be done, it's going to happen and I'll get through it. For me, the worst part about surgery is worrying that I'll wake up to bad news. That's what happened the first time (that I had stage IV endo and I'd need to come back for a second, open, surgery).

I'm going in for a surgical consult type of appointment in three weeks (the whole process could have been sped up if I could have spoken briefly with the surgeon yesterday like my doctor wanted, but she was busy...oh well). Hopefully, I can then schedule the surgery for sometime in August. My doctor made it sound like I would have it this summer, so I assume it could happen that fast.

After my appointment, we had a quick lunch (in record time - like 29 minutes) at Ryan's favorite restaurant in D.C. Then, we made our way to the National Shrine. We had a great, albeit brief, visit. I had never been there just to look around and pray. Every time we've gone in the past it was for the Mass for Life and there were like 40,000 people there! Not exactly a good time to really experience all it has to offer. This time it was empty and so peaceful. The Marian shrines are just so breathtakingly beautiful! We split up and walked around separately, with Ryan looking for a place to pray (if you remember, we went so he could ask Our Lady to intercede for him to become a father). It ended up that he prayed at the very same shrine that I felt the most moved by as well - Our Lady of Perpetual Help. And, it turns out, we recently were given an image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help by GIMH and her husband, when Ryan became Catholic. It hangs in our living room and we love it, so it is fitting that this is the shrine that spoke to us most.

After the shrine, we headed to Baltimore for the Mets/Orioles game. A friend of Ryan's got us tickets and we had no idea where they'd be. We knew they might be good when we were sent to a special will-call window for those who have gotten tickets from players, umpires and employees. So our tickets said S07, row 1, so we walked down to section 7 and tried to find our seats. But something just wasn't right - there was no row 1, but there was a row A. So I asked an usher and it turned out our seats were in a SUITE! Like a luxury box! That's what the 'S' meant. We were in complete shock. For a night, we got to see how the other half lives and it was SWEET!!

We were a little shocked

Our view

The private bathroom - one of the highlights for me!

Mets win!!!!

For about three or four innings it was just us in the suite and so we took our share of dumb pictures.

We didn't want to leave!

I still can't believe we were in a suite. I know it might sound silly to some, but I freak out when I get good seats down below, and have spent most of my baseball-watching-days in the upper deck. I never thought I'd be in a situation like this, so I was like a little kid! Now I hope I'm not too spoiled!

It really was a great day, and I'm so thankful for all of it. We had an informative appointment (and left with a plan, just like I wanted), a great lunch, some beautiful prayer time, and an amazing and unexpected experience at a baseball game. It was definitely better than I could have imagined!

Another surgery

My appointment went well. Surgery is the plan. Hopefully I'll get in this summer for it with Dr. L. I have a surgical consult with her in a few weeks.

He was very happy with how I responded to the tamoxifen and apparently the 'very small' follicle he saw the other day in the u/so was actually just the right size. He knew I was about to ovulate the next day, and it turns out I probably did since that was my peak day.

He said I could try injectables but thinks I should get any problems out of the way first with surgery. I also asked about the mthfr and he said it would cost around $900 so getting tested isn't realistic but because I feel called to test for it, he said he will just treat like he would if I did test positive - by having me take baby aspirin and folic acid. Because I asked, he is also giving me the adrenal test. He's also testing my thyroid and might tweak what I'm taking (and no more temps and pulses with ppvi!)

I asked about my false positive and he thinks it was a very early miscarriage. He doesn't think all doctors would say the same though.

We're at the shrine now so I've got to go. I'll post more tomorrow!

Appointment today

Today is my big doctor's appointment! I'm nervous. Nervous that I won't remember all my questions (despite a written out list) and nervous that maybe I won't get good news. I will try to post a quick update from Ryan's iPhone in the afternoon if I can. Hopefully I'll have something good to report.

Here are just some of the things I'm planning to ask about: the u/s the other day showing a "very small" follicle, whether I am ovulating, left-side pain, adhesions, do I need surgery, can I get tested for MTHFR, my false positive test in February, adrenal issues, feeling constantly fatigued, feeling dizzy upon standing, my last cycle with a short luteal phase and spotting, can I get an u/s series, would injectables help me, my good progesterone levels (and still no pregnancy), should I change my Tamoxifen dose, should I stop Tamoxifen.

I really hope it goes well. I just want to leave with a plan, one that might actually work. My dream is to have something suddenly pop out at my doctor, the missing link all along, the one remaining obstacle in my way. That would be great. Not likely, but great.

I just feel like this is a make or break appointment. My options are getting fewer and fewer. And while lately I have been okay with the idea of surgery, and I could very likely leave today with one scheduled, sometimes it hits me what a weird state we infertiles live in - where scheduling surgery is a good thing! I never thought I'd be in my early thirties having surgery after surgery, hoping to get another.

I need to remind myself that with God, all things are possible. The problem is that while I know they're possible, they might not be in his plans for us.

Please, God...Let today's appointment be informative and may whatever else is wrong come to light. Help my doctor to come up with the best treatment plan possible and point us in the direction you have planned for us. Of course, heal me if that is your will. Please, let it be your will! Amen.

Busy day in RVA

My sister-in-law and her husband are in town and we showed them the sites of Richmond. We had a great day and it was tiring! Ryan tweeted from every location. It must have been riveting for his followers! (If you want to see them all, click on the link above and scroll down to find the ones from the "tour")

Here are a few pics:

Last night at Ryan's station

Ryan's sister and me in Maymont Park

Ryan and our brother-in-law

Some of the many forms of wildlife we encountered in the park:

We are off to the movies tonight. We are having such a great time and we're so glad A & A could come and visit!

Ultrasound results and new glasses

So Dr. B left me a message yesterday with my ultrasound results (third time in the past couple months that I've missed his call!). He said everything looked very good. Normally, that would be good. But, for me, it's not. I still have pain so the fact that things look very good mean something else is going on and that probably means adhesions.

He also said I had a very small follicle on my right ovary. Now, he had no idea what cycle day I was on (or at least I don't think he did. The technician did ask the first day of my last period, so he might have known now that I think about it), but having a "very small" follicle on cycle day 16 isn't good news. Especially when I charted my peak day as cycle day 17! Ugh! I can't wait to ask him about this at my appointment on Tuesday.

Speaking of Tuesday, it is setting up to be a practically perfect day! First, I get to start out with a doctor's appointment. I mean, if Ryan were to ask me what I wanted to do on my birthday, I might say go to the doctor's. I'm serious. It puts me on a high. I get lots of good info and I get worlds accomplished. Hopefully it's not a negative appointment, though. I want an appointment where we figure out what's wrong and come up with a plan that we're excited about.

So after the appointment we're going to the National Shrine in D.C. I haven't been in a while, and I read something on a blog about how you should have your husband pray at a Marian shrine, asking Mary to intercede for him to become a father. I know, I know. This stuff usually annoys me (like there's some certain prayer out there that I have yet to say and that's what's keeping me from conceiving), but why not try it? You can't pray enough, and I know God likes when you make pilgrimages. So we're going to stop there and pray. Hopefully, we are also going to meet up with Jeremiah 29:11 and her husband there (twice in one week!!), so we can meet each other's husbands. I'm looking forward to it!

Then, we're heading to Baltimore, where the Mets are playing the Orioles!! Appointment with Dr. B and the Mets all in one day? It might be overload! We also got free tickets, so that makes it even nicer.

Okay, so I picked up my new glasses today. Not loving them, but not hating them as much as I thought I would either. I'm nervous because they have these two somewhat subtle little stones on the side of them and I'm not exactly a bling kinda girl. I'm making it sound way worse than it is. They're like a brownish-green color, practically the same color as the frames, so you hopefully nobody will notice them. Just about every pair I tried on had some kind of embellishment like that, so I had no choice! Oh well. So here's a picture and since they are officially mine it is too late to critique them...



Yes, I'm in a bra-store dressing room. What gave it away? I took this picture to help me judge how high my bubbies were being lifted by a strapless bra I was trying on. I then took a picture of me in another bra, and compared the two back to back. You are looking at the winner here. So I officially have purchased a strapless bra for my sister's wedding. Yay! Hopefully I won't be plagued with anymore bra-buying dreams! (I'd call them nightmares, but they really weren't scary. Just annoying).

I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders lately because we cleaned up our back deck. Since we moved into our house a year and a half ago, the back yard and deck have been a bit rough. The back yard still is (well, the grass we have is beautiful, but we basically have a beach covering part of our yard too. What the heck do you do with tons of sand that the previous owners left after removing an above ground pool? If this happens to you, demand in the contract that they put in grass or give you money to do so), but now the deck is much better, thanks to a few bucks and a lot of work. I should have taken a before shot, but trust me, it looked much dirtier than this:

So now we can actually sit out there. Except I really need to purchase bug spray. My legs are in ROUGH shape.

Our day in D.C.

I needed to get that last post down, but I've been busy and when I'm not busy, I'm tired. And it's not like I don't still feel that way, I just don't want to look at it every time I check my blog.

I am starting to feel a little better though, and I'm sure it is due, in part, to our great day yesterday! GIMH and Jeremiah 29:11 got together for a fun day in D.C. Of course, I have some pictures to share, so I'll get right to them (GIMH has better ones, so check them out, too, if you haven't already)

The monastery we visited:


Replica of the grotto at Lourdes:









Restaurant where we had lunch:



Don't mind the hair in my mouth in this one!

The whole day was so much fun. I can't wait to do it again!

Sick of it

It's just one of the days when this is all too much. I can't fathom that I won't experience a pregnancy. That I won't ever, ever, ever have that. That I won't have the excitement of telling my husband, of going to ob appointments, or of deciding if we want to know the gender. That I won't have kids that look like me. That I won't know what it's like to give birth. People won't come see me and my newborn in the hospital. I won't breast feed. The reality of it makes me want to puke.

I can't do this. I can't stand being constantly bombarded by other people's happiness. And normalcy. I can't stand the 352 times a day I come across photos of other people's children, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, or their talk of how great, or how hard, motherhood is.

No matter what prayers I say, no matter what treatments I try, no matter how I chart, it's not happening. Five years without even a miscarriage. I'd be a fool to think that after all this time I'm just going to wind up pregnant one day. If I did, it would be a miracle and would probably go down in blog folklore. I am not the type of person that stuff like that happens to.

I am SO sick of holding back tears all day every day. I am so sick of ruining my make-up.

I have no option. I will have to live in a world full of fertile people for however long God wills. I don't think this will ever get any easier. 

My first ultrasound in over a year

First off, Lowly had a great comment on my last post. She said she wished we could be hooked up to computers for a diagnosis, like they do with cars. Could you imagine? Plug us in and print out a report! Along those same lines, I'd also like to be one of Dr. House's patients. He'd have me fertile by the end of the hour, but not before temporarily misdiagnosing me with MS. I'm sure there'd also be some hallucinations involved.

So I had an ultrasound done today. Since my doctor's office is a good hour and a half away (without traffic), I had to get it done around here, at a local hospital. The technician seemed like she'd been doing it for a while, so I started asking some questions to see how much she'd share. She told me my left side looked normal and that my right ovary was "plump" and that if I haven't ovulated already that I probably would be soon. So I tried to pry out of her if my ovaries looked pretty average, and I told her how my ovaries had been huge and filled with endometriomas before my surgery, and she said that they looked great now.

Okay, I KNOW that this doesn't mean my ovaries are okay. Not by a long shot. Adhesions don't even show up on ultrasound so they can't be ruled out. And this woman may have seen a cyst and didn't want to tell me. Or how about the fact that she wasn't trained in Napro or even working in an office that sees infertile patients. No, I'll have to wait until my appointment next week to see what Dr. B thinks of it. And even then, if everything looks normal to him, I'm still having pain and something is causing it. Adhesions would be looking more and more likely at that point. A third sugery is probably in my future.

On the bright side, my right ovary apparently is/was ovulating. That's good! And, when it's all said and done, my right ovary may hold the keys to conception. It wasn't nearly as bad as my left one was in my endometriosis days, and I don't have pain there now. Well, tonight I have pain all over, but I don't usually have pain there.

Speaking of pain, the ultrasound left me wincing! I've had pain for most of the day ever since having it done. Another sign of adhesions, perhaps?

So this post wouldn't be complete without me listing off some new symptoms. For starters, I've taken naps the last three days. That is very unlike me. And this morning I was surprisingly full of energy, until this afternoon, when all of a sudden I felt like I had no choice but to lay down and then I was out. And it's not a lazy thing, or a bored thing, at all. It's seriously like I have no choice and I hate it!

Also, I don't know if this means anything or not, but my pre-peak temps lately have been pretty high. Like 98.0 and 98.1. Granted, I haven't been taking it religiously this month, but that's what it is when I do take it. And they're normally around 97.6-97.8 pre-peak. I'll be interested to see what it goes to after ovulation.

So I got all ready to go the movies tonight, but my dear husband was too busy breaking news in the other room. Ahh, the life of a reporter's wife. He wasn't even on the clock, but his political blog is like his crack. And I guess there's some election tomorrow and he uncovered some big news (not big enough for the actual t.v. news, mind you, but it's apparently blowing up on twitter. Just kidding, honey.) Yes, there's another woman in our lives and it's a wordpress blog.

Things I've been meaning to post about

Just some thoughts circulating in my head that I remember whenever I'm not around a computer:

• I think I might have some adrenal issues. Yes, this may be on my mind because of the discussion of it yesterday at our support group meeting, and I am the first to admit that I tend to think I have whatever anyone mentions (and am prone towards hypochondria), but I really think this could be something I have. Granted, I really don't know what it is, so how I can really say that, I am not completely sure. As far as I know it has something to do with stress, and stress is something that I definitely have.

• Speaking of that, stress - and the inability to deal with it in a healthy way - has always been an issue for me. And I can also add to that list anxiety, depression, panic, OCD and some of its spectrum disorders (just mentioned one above, actually), just to name a few. This can't be a coincidence. I truly believe that my predisposition towards these issues and/or these issues themselves have something to do with my infertility.

• So I have decided to write down all of the different problems I have and perhaps bring them up to my doctor. There are just so many different things that could be going on with me and clearly something is not right. I can't help but wonder whether maybe I have forgotten to mention things that could potentially be helpful to a diagnosis...things I would never have thought were even pertinent to infertility. And they may not be, but you never know.

• Some things that could go on that list: extreme tiredness, dizziness and seeing "green" when I stand up, abdominal pain, weird leg sensations, the feeling of a full bladder for a few days at a time, no motivation for several days at a time, trouble waking up, can't tolerate caffeine (causes insomnia, rapid heart beat), alcohol causes rapid heart beat, tmj, nausea and an aversion to basically all food at certain times. I'm sure there are more. Those things that are so normal to us that we don't even think of them right away are the best ones.

• So to further seem like a hypochondriac in this post, I have another self-diagnosis for you. I'm wondering if my dizziness and light-headedness could possibly be due to hypoglycemia. I mean, I am on a very low-carb diet and I am on medication that, as far as I know, works to lower your blood sugar.

• I'm weepy today, like when my eyes begin to scrunch up like they're getting ready to make tears and then my brain says to my eyes, "what the heck are you doing? We're not sad!" Funny how that happens. I know that must means something is going on hormonally.

• I'm on cycle day 15, I think, and have I mentioned that I decided to forego B6 this cycle? I was in a very rebellious mood a couple weeks ago (remember this?) and decided that extreme measures weren't worth the effort anymore. Well, I am happy to report that while I've had less mucus, I have had a good amount. And today I even saw some 10KL.

• Okay, this one is actually not related to my health. I need to buy a strapless bra for my sister's wedding. Anyone have a recommendation for like the best one ever created? Me and strapless bras don't get along at all (not that anyone loves them) and right now, when I try the strapless dress on bra-less, it sits super low. There's like two feet between the top of my dress and my neck, I swear! And the wide expanse of that part of my body stands out even more because I have some serious bathing suit lines. Need to work on those.

• So I never sewed that dress I posted about a while back. I made one and hated it and then took it apart. I did end up making a couple skirts though, and taught myself to do zippers. And I'm not trying to imply that I am so talented that I don't need directions. Just the opposite actually. I cannot understand directions. My mind can't compute them (maybe my foggy mind has something to do with infertility too!). So I just look at zippers in my clothes and try to make mine look like them. It gets the job done.

• Still haven't gotten new glasses yet and no, I'm not going to post pictures of any of the potential ones on here. I'd be the first person to want you to do it on your blog, but I'm too scared. If even one person said they didn't like a pair, I'd probably not want to get them because one of you didn't like them. Then I'd never find glasses!
  

• Now, this one isn't something I've been meaning to post about, but I just had to throw it in there. Sophie got her bangs cut (by me, she hates it) and looks super cute! You can see her eyes again:

• Oh, and I'm looking forward to this week and a trip to D.C that I'll be posting about. Stay tuned!

I know there are other things but it's not like you're not dying to hear them anyways, and Ryan just got home so I'm getting off the computer. Have a wonderful Monday!

Best. Meeting. Ever.

Imagine having a doctor sitting in a room filled with all of us infertile girls, taking questions. Is that not our dream?

Well, that was how I spent my morning! My doctor, Dr. B, was kind enough to offer to come to one of our infertility support group meetings at my parish. And the meeting was awesome.

First, we went around the room and introduced ourselves and gave a little background on our infertility stories. Then he just had us ask whatever we wanted and we did - from questions about adrenal issues to thyroid to Clomid to diets to husbands to endo to PCOS. (I actually asked him about the left-side abdominal pain I've been having and he thinks it's ovarian in nature. I'm going to get an ultrasound on Monday so I'll hopefully have the results at my June 16 appointment).

Dr. B is so awesome. He's a brave man to take questions from infertile women for two hours! And he was so helpful and gave us real advice and hope.

He also brought a few relics with him - one from St. Therese, Sts. Cosmos and Damien, and St. John Bosco - and passed them around so we could pray with them.

We also talked with him about the blogs and he said he's going to check them out. GIMH warned him we already talk all about him and call him Dr. B! He also discussed possibly starting a blog of his own. Could you imagine? He'd have a TON of readers instantly! I'll let you know if he does.

Of course, we brought cameras. Here's a shot of us after the meeting:

Our group (I'll just identify fellow bloggers): Amber from Fertile Thoughts is in the front in the green shirt, L from GIMH is next to her, then Dr. B, Living Advent is in the orange shirt, her hubby is behind her, and I'm all the way to the right.

Oh, and Living Advent came to the meeting! You gotta love blog connections! She and her husband won the prize for farthest distance traveled, hands down.

I'm sure I'll reflect more on the meeting later. I really left with a renewed sense of hope. I mean, there are just so many intricate things that could be going on, things I have yet to fix. And there are so many treatments to try, different combinations of drugs, different doses. I could be one tweak away from a pregnancy and don't even know it! On one hand, that could seem very overwhelming. But, at least right now, it gives me great hope.

Thanks again, Dr. B!

Misdirected anger

I don't know how I feel today. I have drastic mood swings from hour to hour. One minute I'm happy, peaceful and hopeful and the next thing I know I'm depressed, tired and just sick of it all.

I guess that is to be expected.

Physically, I finally feel better. I've been keeping very detailed notes on my physical aches and pains for several months now and recently I discovered there is a pattern. I have abdominal pain, mainly on the left side, for several days at the beginning of each cycle. It always ends a few days before my peak day, and then I don't write down any symptoms usually for about ten days. Then, about five or six days before my cycle ends, I start writing that I have abdominal pain again. And it goes on and on like that, month after month. I don't know what it is, but I'm betting it's due to adhesions and, surprisingly, I'm okay with that if it is. 

Spiritually, I have to admit that lately I've been kind of angry with God. Specifically, that he isn't making the rest of my life perfect. I know that sounds completely unreasonable, especially typed out like that, but I honestly just sometimes wish that this cross could be it. That if he wants me to carry it, then he could at least roll out the red carpet for me along the way, ushering me along on my journey, making sure no one else gets in my way. But, of course, no one ever said cross-carrying was easy. 

It's just that I'm finding that I can't take anything else in addition to infertility. I'm packed full. There's no more room. So I am completely incapable of handling the little disturbances that pop up. All of my energy is being directed towards making sure I'm not melting down at any given moment over my inability to become a mother. How can I possibly handle life's other problems? 

Not that I have other big problems. I'm just ill equipped to deal with this, and so I find myself wishing (and, really, expecting) God to answer all of my smaller prayers as I wait for the big one. I incorrectly think that I'm owed that. That it would be the least he could do.

Whether it's right or wrong, I'm kind of in that phase again where I just need something, anything, to keep me going. But I guess that's the place where we learn to survive. The place when we think we need something to keep us going and nothing comes. Yet we keep going.

God has definitely stripped me of everything and I can only hope he has plans to build me back up. I know we are capable of bearing much heavier crosses and, but for His grace, I could be. I hope and pray that this is the heaviest cross we'll ever know. And if it is, I guess this could be viewed as a blessing, actually.

It probably doesn't help that the Mets have lost three in a row. And to the Pirates, no less. At least SYTYCD is on tonight. I can't bear children so I look to life's much smaller pleasures.

The new love of my life.. and a trip to the eye doctor

Okay, so I found something that actually makes me forget about infertility for a few minutes. I'm not kidding. It makes me completely and utterly happy, and for a brief moment in time I don't care that I'm barren or that I can't eat sugar. 

Of course, I'm talking about a food. And what a perfect, gorgeous, amazing food it is:

It's Bre.yer's carb-smart chocolate ice cream, with peanut butter that I heat up and drizzle over the top. I then mix it all together, and pretend I am a normal person who can eat chocolate/peanut butter ice cream, which is my all-time favorite. Why, oh why, did it take me a year to discover this?

It's pure heaven. It's seriously the most delicious thing I have eaten since starting my diet. Perhaps ever. I am in love. I told Ryan he should be worried that I'll spend the entire grocery budget on cartons of it. I can just see it now - he'll ask me about the bare cupboards and empty fridge (yet full freezer) and I'll be crying, telling him I just couldn't stop myself!  

Keep in mind this is the same person who actually cried in a restaurant a few weeks ago when the waitress told me they no longer served sweet potato fries (well, after she walked away. I'm not that unstable!). Thank goodness I have a new obsession.

And please don't rain on my ice cream parade and tell me how bad it is for me (I have no reason to think it is, but isn't anything this good actually bad for you in some way?), or what dairy is doing to me and my endo-prone reproductive system. I am on a strict diet and, believe it or not, this is actually allowed on it. It has four net carbs and 90 calories. Sure, I've had horrible abdominal pains the past week, but if I find out this is what's causing them I'll keep eating it! 

Just kidding. I have no reason to think the ice cream is causing my abdominal pains. I hope.

******************

In other news, we got eye check-ups today. This was a necessity because my glasses broke last week. They just snapped in two. Right now they're glued. 

So I've never had this happen before, but we had to get our pupils dilated and it was horrible! Far away wasn't bad, but I couldn't see close up at all. And it seriously made me lose my mind! I couldn't concentrate and felt totally out of it. And then I'm supposed to pick new frames! What?

I tried a bunch on but didn't like any, and just decided I'd have to come back. Then I realized we drove separately and I'd have to drive home. Oh my goodness! It was probably dangerous, but I just followed Ryan's big red truck and it was fine. Then I got home and started crying from the headache I now had, and the lack of eye sight. I can't explain why it was driving me so nuts!

Ryan seemed a lot better than I did, but then he emailed me from work saying it was worse than he thought. I couldn't imagine having to work today! 

So I took pictures of myself in the two pairs of glasses I narrowed it down to, and I was considering posting them here for your opinions, but I don't think I have the nerve. I hate glasses and I hate these pairs on me. 

The eye doctor also talked to me about an alternative to contacts today as well. My eyes are too dry to wear regular contacts (actually, he told me today I don't have enough tears - HAHA!! If he only knew!) and despite trying out tons of different brands in the past, I can't find any that work. So he told me about these gas-permeable contacts that you wear to bed then take out in the morning, and you'll have 20/20 vision for up to two days! How have I never heard about this before? Apparently, they work like laser surgery, except it's not permanent and also less expensive.

Do any of you have experience with these contacts? They seem too good to be true!

Great night

It's a beautiful "Saturday"* night here in RVA, as my husband likes to call it.

I did some planting, and Sophie and Ryan watched:

It wasn't cold, I was just protecting myself from bugs since we didn't have any bug spray. Also notice the lack of gardening gloves and that little shovel thing people use. At least this year I used the big hoe. Last year I just dug with my hands.

The red bandana was a gift from GIMH. Red for Republican!

These last flowers are perhaps my favorite flowers ever (as you can tell from my blog header) and I just can't get over how beautiful they are. Without sounding too over the top, I just have to say that these flowers always remind me of God's awesome power of creation. If I could design my perfect flower, with the most beautiful shades of pink and green, that's what I'd make. And He created it like it was no big deal, along with 100 billion other things.

And since I'm in an uploading mood, here's a video of Sophie doing a circuit**, which she sometimes does after coming inside, especially if she got wet. I only caught the last few seconds of it, but imagine this going on for several minutes:



Hope your night was just as fun!

*I'm not crazy. It's our Saturday, since it's Ryan's first day off.

**That's what we call it when dogs run back and forth, or in some sort of pattern, over and over. Is that just our thing, or is it called that? Along those same lines, we also call Sophie's bandanas, like the red one she's wearing, a "pretty girl." Not sure how that started, but I KNOW that's of our creation.