Cycle update

Well I haven't really posted anything about my cycle lately. That's probably because I'm trying not to focus on the intricacies of it as much, and I guess it is working! But there's nothing wrong with an update. Here are the facts:

• Today is cycle day 19


• I ended last cycle with three days of spotting, followed by three days of my period, followed by five days of spotting


• I started mucus immediately following the spotting, on cycle day 9


• I had cloudy/lubricative mucus on days 9-11


• I had cloudy/clear/lubricative on day 12


• Clear/lubricative on day 13


• Cloudy/clear/lubricative on day 14


• Clear/lubricative on day 15


• Cloudy/lubricative on day 16


• And then cloudy on day 17 & 18


• All of these mucus days were a 10, or stretchy, which means it stretched an inch or more


• I am taking my temp just for fun, and it was low all cycle (97.7-97.9) until this morning when it raised to 98.2


• So far no mucus today

So that's it. It's still too early to tell if it's going to be really wacky. Definitely all the spotting is a bit strange. And does anyone know what it may mean that my mucus tapers off about two days before my temp rises? Is this normal? I assumed it was because my doctor told me my ovaries are "slow" and my progesterone doesn't kick in until a couple days after my estrogen does what it is supposed to do, but I'm no expert. I sure have a lot of questions to ask my doctor at my October appointment.

Speaking of that, I am not letting this bother me anymore, but that being said.. I do have a desire to understand what exactly is going on. At my last appointment things were explained to me very simplistically, which is fine; there was a lot of information given to us at once and to go any more in depth might have been overwhelming. And there's always the chance that my doctor might have explained what was wrong and I just didn't retain any of the information. That is entirely possible. He also spent a lot of time on the "why's" and kind of glossed over the "what's", meaning I know all about the hormones and how they affect the ovaries, but I know very little about what is actually physically happening in a practical sense. Call me crazy, but I like to picture exactly what is going on in there. The next time I am not leaving his office until I understand. I want to know everything.

For instance, here are some of the questions I have: What does it actually mean that my ovaries are slow (not why, but what actually happens)? If I ovulate and there is an egg released, then where does the break-down occur in the process? Is something wrong with the egg itself, or is the egg okay and the problem is actually with the environment the egg finds itself in?

I'm sure I'll come up with more questions between now and mid-October. I go into confession with a list, so why should a visit to the doctor be any different?!

In other news, our anniversary is now just a few days away! I already got my present; we went to the outlets last night (spur of the moment, too.. isn't my husband great?) and I splurged and got a really nice purse. It's just beautiful. We got a great deal on it, obviously, but it's definitely the nicest bag I've ever owned. For my husband's present, we're considering getting him the iph.one. He never wants anything, yet he's wanted this for a while. The only problem is that we hate living above our means and this might put us over our household budget a bit (although I've offered to have it taken out of our food budget.. less food means more weight loss!). I just really want to do it for him. For years I haven't had my own money to buy him presents for Christmas, birthdays or anniversaries and so we always just end up not doing presents. Yet right now, I actually have made some money and I want to spend it on him! It's not the cost of the phone though, it's the monthly bill that is the problem. So we'll see.

As for the actual day (this Thursday) we're partying it up by getting Chinese take-out. Yes, I'm cheating on my diet a teeny tiny bit. I'm ordering chicken and broccoli. Don't worry (because I know you are), I won't have white rice; I'll just make some brown rice at home to have with it. BUT.. I'm going to get some lo mein. I've been craving it. I never, ever cheat for fear that if I do, I'll open up the flood gates. But I'm confident that if I keep it to major holidays (birthday, anniversary, and maybe Thanksgiving and Christmas), then I'll be fine. And cheating will still be in moderation (my motto is cheat with fat, not the "white" stuff [unless it's lo mein on my anniversary]). My main goal is to keep my mind off the other anniversary that day - you know what one I mean - and Chinese food will achieve this goal.

And the festivities don't end there: Later in the month we'll be taking a trip to NYC for our anniversary as well. We'll stay with my brother-in-law, so it'll be a pretty cheap trip. The main reason we're going is to go to one of the last Mets games at Shea. We can't wait!

Well, that was more than just a cycle update. Sorry. My posts have been kind of like one big run-on sentence lately, so I'll try to improve on that in future posts. Have a great rest of your weekend!

A great day

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind of emotions for me.

To start things off, this time last night my husband was just getting home from work and we were starting to watch one of our guilty pleasures, Big Brother. Well, let's just say things didn't go the way I wanted them to during the episode and I actually cried. Yes, actual, real tears. I think I might have said something like, "Why can't things ever go my way?"

Not my proudest moment. But I share this with you just in case you might sometimes get the very wrong impression from my posts that I am more in touch with God than I actually am. I think this example speaks for itself on that issue.

That being said, I do blame some of my behavior on hormones. I have to, right? Who cries during Big Brother, other than when a house guest gets a call from home, or a letter from their kid? And even then, you'd have to be REALLY into the show and maybe PMSing. If it's not hormones, than I am truly a crazy person.

Anyways, we went to bed a while later and let's suffice it to say that it was one of those nights when, according to my chart, certain behavior was required. That pressure can sometimes lead to a fight, and in this case it did. A long one. I think I fell asleep sometime after four a.m.

About six hours later, I was awoken by my screaming husband. Like, at the top of his lungs screaming. If I remember correctly, I think he was saying, "He picked her! He picked Palin!" At first I thought he was going to say he picked Eric Can.tor. That's our local congressman, a friend of ours works for him, and Ry.an might have been able to follow him on the campaign trail if he was chosen. But when I heard "Palin" I was in utter shock. I heart Sarah Palin.

I think I was giddy all day long. I was just on cloud nine. I mean, she walked out to the theme from Rudy, people! Her 5-month-old baby boy with Downs Syndrome, who she is still breast feeding, was in the arms of her oldest daughter. I cried. I still get chills when I watch it on Youtube.

Okay, so today's political news put both of us in great moods, although both of us were extremely tired from our lack of sleep. While my husband had to go in to work for a couple hours, I got to nap. When I woke up, we headed off to do some shopping and to go out to dinner (the day just kept on getting better!). My plan was to go into J.Cr.ew just to see what size I am this week. No, I might not be able to eat fried food, but I go down sizes as quick as I use to put back a plate of chicken tenders. (Sorry. That's just me trying to convince myself. I want bad food REALLY bad right now.)

So I tried on a size that would have been a crazy dream size just a few months ago. Now it is officially my size. I tried on several pants and capris in that size, and all fit. To put this in context, you have to understand that I've spent years in denial about my true size. Trips to the fitting room would go something like this: Find clothes in size smaller than I really am, because I don't want to admit my real size. Hold up clothes and think "I'm not that big, am I?" Take clothes into the dressing room. Try clothes on and can't pull them up. Get upset. Leave store in bad mood. Curse all clothing stores, myself and skinny people.

Back to the shopping.. I then tried on a pair of capris in a size bigger than my current size because they didn't have my size, and they're big but comfy and on a major sale so I bought them ($18 isn't bad!). I then tried on a pair in the same style a size down from my current size and decided to buy those too. So I now own a pair of capris in a super-bizarro-beyond-crazy dream size. (A thought just came to me - this is one way infertility has truly blessed me. I would NEVER have lost nearly thirty pounds if it wasn't because of this. Well, maybe that was a little obvious, now that I think about it.)

So I left the store extremely excited and we went to a great restaurant and had a great meal. Then we came home and watched the Mets game we had DVR'ed. Um, amazing! With two outs in the ninth, they came back from behind with a grand slam and won. And the Phillies lost! First place by two games!!

Well, that's my day in a nutshell. And what a great one it was! When I was wallowing in self-pity early this morning and telling my husband he doesn't care about me, I didn't have high hopes for the day ahead. But life is full of surprises!

I CANNOT believe it!

Wow!!!!!!!!!!! She has been my dream pick for McCain's running mate, but in recent months I had resigned myself to the fact that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin wasn't the one. And then my husband woke me up this morning SCREAMING that she was it!

From Wikipedia, about her baby with Downs Syndrome:

Palin refused to let the results of prenatal genetic testing change her decision to have the baby. "I'm looking at him right now, and I see perfection," Palin said. "Yeah, he has an extra chromosome. I keep thinking, in our world, what is normal and what is perfect?"

She is just incredible. Incredible! I honestly didn't think he had it in him. I am SO proud of John McCain for this pick! He has officially fired me up, so I hope the rest of the conservative base is too!

****

Update

Just watched her speech and I am in AWE. I didn't want it to end. And when she walked out - TO THE THEME FROM RUDY, I might add - with her children and her daughter holding her little baby, I cried. One of the best political moments I have ever witnessed.

The Infant

I've been meaning to write this post for a couple weeks now. It's just that what I'm about to write is so important to my infertility experience that I wanted to give it its due, and each time I sat down to write it I was either too busy, or there was too much going on around me, or I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. And, as with many experiences, I needed to capture it while it was still fresh or I might begin to question its importance or doubt its authenticity. I have already begun to do that to some degree.

Okay. Now that you're hopes are officially raised... (Seriously, don't get your hopes up. Forget I gave it any introduction or that I teased it all week. I'm just about to write a random post that you happened to come upon.)

So let's go back a little bit to early August (I'm going to tell this story in the timeline I experienced it). I was getting ready to travel up north for the big premiere, when I got a phone call from Betty, the woman helping to organize the event. She's the coordinator of the perpetual adoration chapel featured in the movie. At the end of our phone call, she said she was praying for me to have a child (as always) and was talking about how maybe God will bless me with that now that the movie's done, but maybe He won't. Then she asked me what my production company, Es.therJa.ne Productions is named after. I told her it was for my grandmother, Esther, who died when I was seven (we were super close and it seriously took me like 15 years to get over it and greatly affected my childhood). Then Betty said, out of the blue, "You know, you should pray to your grandmother. She's part of the communion of Saints and we don't utilize that enough." Well, that's all I needed. It's safe to say I took that as a sign that I was supposed to pray to her. I can just imagine her up there looking down on me, watching me go through this struggle with infertility. It must be breaking her heart, if that can even happen in Heaven.

I asked my grandmother for her intercession that night, and the next. Then a couple days later as we're driving up north, I mentioned Betty's remark to my husband, Ry.an, and told him that I'd prayed to my grandmother. He asked, "Didn't your mother have a dream about your grandmother and you and a baby, or something?" I answered, "That sounds oddly familiar, but if she did, how in the world would I have possibly forgotten something like that?" I mean, seriously, I'm seeing talking babies, yet I erase from my mind a dream involving me, my deceased grandmother, and a baby?

[I should also add that my mother and her mother (not Esther) have both had dreams involving deceased relatives throughout their lives. It's not something they talk about at all, and it doesn't happen very frequently. She's even had a few about Esther, including one in the days after her death that my mother isn't even sure was a dream. She saw her standing in her bedroom, clear as day. The other few were definitely dreams, but extremely vivid nonetheless. We'll get back to that later.]

So fast forward to the night of the premiere, after the movie is finished, as people are leaving. As I'm standing with one of my good friends (who also happens to be featured in the film) she mentioned to me that she'd been praying for me, which is not surprising in and of itself, but as she put it, "I have no idea why, but I've been praying for you to the Infant of Prague." A light bulb immediately went off in my brain and I probably sounded like an idiot because my reply was, "Uh, um, that sounds familiar. There's something about that...I need to ask someone..." My mind was doing cartwheels as I was trying to put it all together. My grandmother. The dream. The Infant of Prague.

Because that night was one of the craziest nights of my life, I wasn't able to speak to my mother about this. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, I was worrying that it wasn't the Infant who was in her dream, that it was some other saint or image of Christ. As soon as I woke up the next morning, though, I asked her about it over the phone as she was at work.

"Mom, this might sound weird, but did you have a dream about _____ [name I called my grandmother, Esther, which is very far from Grandma or Granny or Nanny, so I'm gonna leave it out. Think baby's-first-words-but-unfortunately-not-directed-towards-her-father-like-they-should-have-been], a baby and the Infant of Prague?"

Yes, she did, she said. It was probably about a year and a half ago, and she told me about it at the time, but I still have NO IDEA how this slipped my mind (one a side-note, my sister thinks I wasn't supposed to remember it then, and that it was meant for now). She also said that at the time she wasn't worrying about my infertility at all. Here's the dream:

My mother sees me lying in bed in my childhood bedroom, as a child, and an Infant of Prague statue is over my bed (I should also add that I didn't have a statue over my bed as a child; my family didn't even own one). For some reason, she has a hard time describing what the statue was on or in - a shelf of some sort, but then she says it was in some sort of frame, yet it was a statue, not a picture. Probably not important, but you never know.

Cut to the next 'scene,' and I'm an adult, holding a baby. As my mother looks at me, surprised, my grandmother appears. "Don't worry," she says to my mother. "It's the Infant of Prague."

She said my grandmother went on to say that the Polish people have a devotion to him (my grandmother was 100% Polish, and while I haven't found a great deal on the internet about the Polish devotion to the Infant, I know that it is true because I have other, unrelated, Polish relatives who also have a devotion. And while the Infant of Prague is obviously in Prague, in the Czech Republic, the country still borders Poland).

I couldn't believe it. It was all starting to come together. A few things became very clear to me that morning, namely, 1) God himself wants me to have a devotion to the Infant of Prague, 2) my grandmother is definitely watching over me and taking care of me, specifically when it comes to infertility, and 3) she said "Don't worry." Don't worry! I seriously take that to mean that everything WILL turn out okay. And let's just add that I was holding a baby when she said it.

Was I holding the Infant Jesus? I'm not sure, but probably. Was I holding my future baby? I don't think so. One way you could interpret it would be to say that it means I won't have a baby of my own, but I will always have baby Jesus to hold. While I'm ever the pessimist (no offense, baby Jesus, at all), I just don't think that's what it means. And surprisingly, this isn't the first time someone has had an image of me holding Christ as a baby.

So back to the story. The next day, I'm online looking for an Infant of Prague statue, when I suddenly notice its feast day. January 2nd. My birthday. And St. Therese's birthday, who also happened to have a devotion to Him. I shrieked. I couldn't believe it; it was another sign. (I should also add that since that initial discovery, I have realized that there is quite the discrepancy over the Infant's feast day. Some put it in May, others put it in late January. But I'm fine with that, because my birthday is still in the mix. I don't think that's a coincidence.)

It's safe to say that I immediately jumped head first into a devotion to the Infant of Prague. I know God wants me to. I'm still looking for just the right statue, and someone told me the other day that it has to be given to you. That might be more of an old-wives-tale sort of thing, but as I continue to scour the internet, I am praying that the right statue will find me. We are more than half way through a novena which I plan on saying each month. And we even visited an Infant of Prague shrine about an hour away this past Saturday. We both described feeling very calm and serene as we prayed before the Infant in the quite loud church (Mass was letting out).

I truly believe that God was giving me a grace with this glimpse into Him, and perhaps it was no coincidence that he did it on the night of my premiere. I'm not saying I deserved a reward or that God even works like that, but this has been a hard-fought battle and I'm just starting to turn a corner and I think God likes that. I prayed - hard - for a sign, all while asking His forgiveness that I needed a sign in the first place. I shouldn't. But He knows we are human and He sees us struggle. He knows when our intentions are pure and we are not attempting to prove His existence, just get some much-needed help along the way as we bear our Cross.

In the weeks following this turn of events, my mind, naturally, has begun to downplay it. Even as I write this post I'm worried some may read it and think I'm looking too far into a silly dream and some additional coincidences. I can't let that doubt creep in. (And, for what it's worth, there are documented miracles attributed to the Infant that involve dreams.)

As all of these events were happening, my view of this struggle of infertility completely changed. I was holding a baby, my grandmother told my mother, "DON'T WORRY." This message makes me realize I can do this, I can get through this. God, Himself, wants me to be strong. He was in my arms in the form of a baby, what I want most in this world.

I have felt much more peace in the days since, and I truly have the utmost confidence that the Miraculous Infant is taking care of me and doing His best to grant me my heart's desire. This was all a gift from God, and to now downplay it would be to make light of a gift that I prayed for from Him. Thanks, God. That was a pretty good try, but could you be even more obvious next time? Maybe come to me in a crowded shopping mall and publicly declare the day I will conceive? Oh, and I'll also take an order of financial security and health for my entire family with that. Thanks.

I'll probably need to reflect on this in additional posts, but this is the main story for now. Thanks for reading, and feel free to offer any insights you may have on it as well. There's definitely a lot for me to think about!

Talking babies

So there's a little habit I have, infertility related of course, that very possibly classifies me as a crazy person. I've decided to put it out into the blogging world on the off-chance there's someone else who thinks the same way as me (because aren't we all scarily similar?), although I'm sure that is highly unlikely.

Okay, here goes. Sometimes I think babies are secretly trying to communicate with me. Yes, I said that. I can be in church, the store, wherever and a little baby, being held by someone and looking over that person's shoulder, makes eye contact with me. I immediately think that the baby, if I stare long enough, will suddenly move its lips and say something to the effect of, "You will get pregnant very soon," only to immediately return to acting like a baby, cooing or crying or whatever. And, as I look around, I notice nobody saw this miraculous event but me. Then I always snap back into reality and realize a) it's a baby b) it doesn't talk and c) last I checked, God doesn't send super-secret messages through infants.

I know, I'm very weird. (And in case I wasn't clear in this description let me just state for the record, I've never actually seen a baby talk to me. This is merely a day-dream. But weird, nonetheless.)

Miscellaneous ramblings

Since my last two posts were related to politics, I'm sticking with it for tonight. I have something on my mind and what better place to vent than on my blog? So... can I just say that I am so glad that this vice-presidential speculation is all but over? It has greatly affected my personal plans (my husband's days off) and I am glad to see it come to an end! And I'm also thankful the Virginia governor is out of the running because that would have really affected my life (no offense to Ry.an who would have welcomed possible travel. Sorry, honey. You would have been gone during my fertile week.)

On a serious note (although I wasn't not serious in the previous paragraph), I am very glad that Tim Ka.ine, a known Catholic, will not be the vice presidential nominee. It wouldn't have been great for the Catholic Church to have one of its members in such a visable position while also solidly pro-choice. Not that there aren't many others like this - we all know who they are - but a presidential race is different. Kai.ne would have been the "Catholic" guy on the ticket. And he would have been the poster-boy for the segment of the Catholic Church who believes it is okay to knowingly go against one of the central-most teachings of the faith. Not that Joe Bid.en isn't Catholic; he is. But "Catholic" doesn't come up in the first few statements about him like it seems to with Ka.ine. Kai.ne touted his "Catholic values" when he ran for governor and would likely have done it again.

The reason I got fired up about this tonight is because I'm watching Gre.ta VanSus.teren and she's talking about how mad "women" would have been if Kaine had been selected. And, why, you ask? Well because they don't think he's pro-choice enough. What? I understand that NA.RAL doesn't think he's pro-choice enough and didn't endorse him for governor. But, come on! If you want to kill babies, how many varying degrees of this can there be? But that's not even what got me fired up. What makes me so sad is to think of all these women that Gre.ta speaks of, who are inundating her with emails because they are so afraid that Ob.ama might pick a candidate who is pro-choice but not pro-choice enough. Probably 99% of these women are mothers. Mothers who want to protect the right to kill their unborn. Mothers. It just seems like it goes against nature. That has always bothered me.

Okay, sorry to rant about this.

On another topic.. I bought a pair of size 6 jeans yesterday! Woo hoo! They are the second pair of pants/capris I've bought in that size recently, but my first pair of jeans. And as we all know, jeans are the real test. I'm also closing in on 30 pounds lost. I'm at 27.2 right now. I truly can't believe it. I'm so thankful that my weight is no longer an issue I stress over. And it's a great feeling knowing that you'll always weigh less next week. Next month I'll be five to ten pounds less, and the month after that even less. I know I might hit a plateau some day soon, but it hasn't happened yet. And if it happens at this point, I can't complain.

I also can't complain about the food I can eat. I can basically take any food I crave and make it low G.I. For instance, tonight I'm having chicken tenders and stuffing. Seriously! My chicken tender recipe is amazing, I must say. And I'm taking my grandma's Thanksgiving stuffing recipe and making it low G.I., substituting light butter for butter, wheat bread for white bread, etc. I haven't done it this way before, so I'm excited to try it. And my chicken tenders? I put them in white wheat flour, then egg, then into a mixture of whole wheat bread crumbs, parmesan cheese, salt, pepper and garlic powder. I then put them in a pan with a little olive oil and brown them on both sides. I then put them, still in the oven-proof pan, into the oven to finish cooking. So good! I then usually allow myself some honey mustard for dipping, even though it's not truly low G.I., because then I really feel like I'm eating fried food!

Since I'm on recipes, I have to post the most amazing low G.I. zucchini bread recipe ever. I made it two days ago and we can't get enough of it!

Zucchini Bread

Dry ingredients:
2 cups white wheat flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
3 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon

Wet ingredients:
3 eggs
1/2 cup canola oil
l1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 cup splenda
1/4 cup brown sugar splenda blend
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 cups grated zucchini
1 cup chopped walnuts

Mix dry ingredients together and set aside. Beat wet together, fold in dry slowly and stir just until blended. Pour into greased or sprayed 9x5 inch loaf pans (this makes 2 loaves. If you want to cut it in half and do one loaf use 2 eggs. The other ingredients halve very easily.) Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes. Make sure middle is done - springs back when lightly touched or clean toothpick extracted from middle.

If you make it, let me know how it turns out! By the way, my husband's workplace has caught the low G.I. fever. Just from seeing him and I, they want to know our secret. So several have bought the book and started it. The weird thing is I don't walk around promoting it and I don't want to be known as the "diet girl" who people have to hide their yummy food from. I've always hated those people! (not really hated, but you know what I mean...) But I guess it's a compliment if they want to do what we're doing just from looking at us.

Alright, that's it for now. Oh - one more thing - I'll be waking up bright and early for an infertility support group meeting tomorrow morning! If you can, join us!

The big interview

As promised, here is my husband's story about Ob.ama from yesterday. This isn't the entire interview. I might be able to post a link to that later on, but it's not up anywhere yet.

Checking in

I'm not sure why I haven't been posting a lot lately, at least for me. Perhaps, as I've read others remark as well lately on their blogs, my recent good mood hasn't lent itself to posting. Maybe it's because I've been unusually busy lately, handling DVD orders and even creating a Web site for a friend of my mom (if you knew me you'd think this was bizarre, but she liked my site and is paying me generously). Or maybe it is because I have become obsessed with watching the Olympics. I love all of it and I can't get enough. I talked a big game all summer about wanting to boycott it, but that hasn't worked out the way I had planned.

Whatever the reason, I just haven't felt the motivation to write. Which is weird because I have a lot of things to say. I'll get to it all sooner or later.

My big accomplishment today (or, actually, my husband's accomplishment) was putting Pay.pal up on the movie's website. In just a couple hours we've already gotten two orders.

Speaking of my husband, as I type this, he is interviewing Bar.ack Oba.ma. He was scheduled to at eight. As he was contemplating questions to ask the past couple days, I, of course, told him to ask Oba.ma why he kills babies, with a follow-up of what he'll say to them if he meets them in Heaven. That wouldn't be weird, right? Needless to say, those will not be among the questions my husband asks. Darn.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Update - So I just talked to my husband and it went really well. 'Really well' meaning he got in a bunch of questions in very little time, wasn't afraid to cut him off, and even got under his skin. I'm so proud! It was a one-on-one interview and he got three minutes. So Ry.an (because I'm tired of typing out "my husband," I will officially start using his real name) asked him about the VP because he had to, then asked him about missile defense and squeezed in two follow-ups, then asked him about values voters. So Oba.ma gave him some predictable answer about Evangelicals, but then Ry.an cut him off and said, "But what about the social issues..." but Oba.ma cut him off and said, "I think we're done here!" Then he said something like, "You got in more than you should have." Then when his press secretary brought in the next reporter and photographer, she told them they had three minutes, to which Oba.ma added, "Hopefully she'll do a better job reigning you in than she did with this guy!" referring to my husband. Isn't that great? I'm so proud of him! I'll post a picture, or possibly even video if I can, later.

Brief update

I have a lot I need to post about. One story in particular that blew me away last week. I'm too tired to do it now, but I did want to post something in the meantime, so here's a quick update.

• My cycle ended up lasting to day 26. Not great, but better than had it lasted only 23 days, which is what it seemed like it was going to be at one point.




• I had a lot of pain at the end of the last cycle/beginning of this cycle. Not sure why, and whether it is related to pcos or if endometriosis is making a comeback.




• I am now on day 5 of my current cycle.




• We are still excited from last week's premiere and I can't imagine that anything could top that. I am getting an average of one DVD request a day, which is great, and we haven't even begun any marketing outside of the city it was filmed in. We have to order a second run already!




• Two DVDs are now in the hands of a couple who will be sending them on to EWTN and the Vatican (God is so good!). Needless to say we're praying hard!




• Have I mentioned how blessed I am? Not only has God's grace completely enveloped us this last week with the movie, but separately from that, I have an immense amount of peace about infertility. I am SO excited for God's plan for us and I just know that He will take care of us. He is our God and there is no one I would rather follow, even if it seems at times like we are following Him into the darkness. To say that He has our best interest in mind is an understatement. He loves us more than we can imagine, and if we give ourselves completely to Him, we will have peace and joy no matter what happens. And I'm so thankful to God that He has allowed me to come to this realization, despite my whining and complaining for nearly four years!

Have a great Monday everyone!

25 random things

Beth tagged me last weekend for this meme. I'm a little late, but here goes - 25 random things about me (and I will warn you, they are ran-dom):

1. I hate watching a movie I've seen before and would never, ever, ever read a book twice (I know it's not popular to say, but I'm lucky if I read a book once).

2. I wear glasses most of the time, ever since contacts started bothering my eyes a few years ago, but I hate to be photographed with them on.

3. I am an artist, but I haven't done a painting in a year and a half.

4. I do not believe the Global Warming hype. I am a conservationist and while global temperatures may currently be rising, I'm among those who don't believe it's man's fault nor even necessarily a crisis. And if I have to see one more green network television logo, I'm going to scream.

5. I used to play the clarinet and the alto sax and loved it, but haven't played since high school.

6. I used to play the piano but the only song I know by heart is Canon in D, which is my specialty.

7. I can't whistle.

8. My engagement ring is my grandmother's diamond (we were super close but she died when I was little).

9. The jeweler my husband used to reset my grandmother's diamond was later arrested for fraud, specifically for switching out real diamonds with fakes. After freaking out, we took my ring to a jewelry store to be examined and was told it was real (and quite spectacular, they added!).

10. My favorite word and color is raspberry, but I don't like to eat them.

11. I prefer hard, flat surfaces to fluffly ones when sleeping. If I had to choose between two pillows or none (because isn't that a choice that we're all faced with at some point in our lives?), I'd choose none, and I once slept on the floor for several months by choice.

12. I am known for becoming obsessed with any given food for months, and then waking up one day and hating it. I did it as a baby and still do it.

13. I was an odd child - I used to have my family clap for my last piece of food and I refused to eat oatmeal in flannel nightgowns because, well, that material isn't right for that type of food, obviously!!!

14. When my younger sister was born, the visiting nurse (did we live in the 1800's?) wrote in her file "watch out for the older sister."

15. I was in a sorority in college that apparently was quite an achievement to get into, but I never really felt like I fit in. The girls were really pretty and rich, so I was really intimidated around them.

16. I talk to barely any friends from high school and none from college. I'm not great at keeping in touch.

17. I was kind of wild in high school and college and did many things I now regret. Many things.

18. I don't drink any alcohol now for two reasons - 1) A few years ago my heart would race whenever I drank so I assume I developed some sort of allergy, and, 2) I hate the taste and stopped forcing myself to drink it once I left college and was no longer worried about what other people thought. I do love pina coladas, though, and in my pre-diet days would still have one of those about once a year.

19. I am still a fan of President Bush, despite that being very out of fashion.

20. I made my first feature-length film the summer before fifth grade. It was called Mall Madness and I served as writer, director, actor, and even composed the music (it involved a rap). It's a cinematic classic.

21. I've tested positive for mono three times and was suspected of having it a fourth time.

22. I had meningitis when I was three.

23. I really miss Chinese food on this diet. Sometimes it's all I think about.

24. I love the smell of my dog (not dogs in general.. just MY dog). I've been known to say that if I could bottle it, I'd wear it as a perfume.

25. The first time I saw my husband he was on television. I was home for a break my senior year of college and was watching the news with my younger sister when he came on. I asked her why she hadn't told me about him (if you knew my sister you'd think it was funny that I would expect her to notice and also tell me) and I told her that I was going to marry him. He, for some reason, does not believe that this actually happened, and unfortunately while my sister remembers seeing him with me, she does not remember the marriage comment.

So there you go! Hopefully you learned something new about me (my husband actually said he did!). I'll tag This Cross I Embrace, Shannon, and anyone else who wants to do it!

Premiere pictures

In case you're interested, here are a ton of pictures from the big premiere:

My family, minus one sister in CA who was very sad she couldn't be there.

Two of the adorers featured in the movie.

These two twin nuns (on my husband's immediate left) are amazing women.
The one closest to him was basically my spiritual advisor for a while.

The priest at the parish where the chapel is located.

The same priest with the woman in charge of the chapel.

One of the children featured in the movie. How cute is she?

The man who provided the music for the film, with his wife and new baby.

A portion of the packed theater before the movie started.

This was taken right as the movie ended.

The chapel's coordinator speaking at the end.

My husband was basically the m.c. for the night.

People lining up to buy DVDs after the movie. We never expected this in a million years.

One of my aunts and one of my uncles buying DVDs from my mom.

The same aunt. She actually made me sign her copy (for my faithful readers, she is the aunt who went to Omaha with me for my second surgery).

My husband and I with our dear friends, who also happen to be some of the stars of the movie. They are an amazing family, really special people.

It's safe to say we are still on cloud nine from the event. Thank you, God!

Amazing night

It's late and I need to go to bed, but I just had to post quickly first. Tonight was the premiere of my documentary, and let's just say that it was a success. It was amazing! It was one of the best nights ever. First of all, the theater was packed. Here's what it looked like minutes before it began:

Every seat was taken, chairs were set up in the back, and people were turned away (unfortunately.. I hope no one was upset, but we were forced to because it would have been a fire hazard), so that means there were more than 280 people in attendance. The movie couldn't have gone better - people laughed in all the right places (and in some spots I didn't predict!), oooed and awwwed, and some even told me they cried. We got a standing ovation at the end, and as people were leaving, I felt like I was in a receiving line at my wedding. It was incredible! Oh, and believe it or not (I still don't), we sold more than 200 DVDs! What?! That was a shocker. On the ride up this afternoon I asked my husband if he thought we'd sell 20. Who knew?

God has blessed us in ways I could never have imagined. A couple years ago, before I began work on this project, I prayed and prayed for God to give me something to work on, some big way I could serve Him. I asked for this because of infertility - I wanted something to focus on, I wanted something important to do if I currently was not called to be a mother. Well, God definitely delivered. I never would have guessed that all of this would have worked out like it did, and that tonight could have happened. The road would have been much too difficult if not for little gifts from God (free trip to Italy, donation to cover costs, not having to work, etc., etc., etc.). He made everything so easy and for that I am eternally grateful. It is just more evidence that He is answering my prayers.

Thanks so much for all your support and prayers! I'll post more pictures tomorrow :)

Weird cycle

I'm so excited I've been tagged by Beth and This Cross I Embrace! I was just beginning to think the blogging community had given up on memes (at least my corner of the blogging world). And that would have been sad because I love them!

I will do them later today, but first I wanted to post what is going on with my VERY WEIRD cycle, even though it's Sunday and no one checks blogs on Sunday.

So this current cycle is reminiscent of my old, screwy cycles. Before my surgeries my cycles were all over the place, but lately (after lowering my prolactin, starting my diet and metformin) it seemed like my cycles were normalizing. For three months in a row I had eight or nine days of mucus followed by twelve dry days.

This cycle was so very, very different. First, I never had any dry days after my period ended; I went right into days of mucus. The mucus lasted for seven days, and was actually pretty normal. Then, on cycle day 16, I had a dry day. CD 17, though, was a mucus day, followed by cd 18 being a dry day. 19 was mucus, 20 was dry. Taking a little departure from the pattern, 21 was dry, 22 was mucus, and 23 was dry (and when I say mucus, all the mucus I saw in the past week was peak-type mucus, although technically they probably would get yellow stickers. Frankly, though, I am so over learning when to use yellow stickers).

So that brings us to today, cd 24. Well, believe it or not, today I am spotting. It's not a total surprise, since I did feel some pms symptoms a few days ago (which I thought was very early and very strange at the time), but early nonetheless. It's eight days past my first peak, and six days past my second peak.

Other odd symptoms of note - I have been super tired lately, even falling asleep during the day two days ago (something I never do) and I'll probably nap today as well. I also felt really nauseous last night (and it's not from the met because I've been fine with that for the last two weeks now).

So, who knows what it is. The thing that could depress me (if not for my recent good outlook of course) is that things had been looking more normal since May. Now, my cycle is just as screwy as it always has been. And this happens the same cycle I raise my dose of met? It's not what I expected at all.

I am really starting to think met isn't going to fix my problems. I think they are too severe. But why did it seem to work at first? I may never know.

I know it is in God's hands, and I'm doing everything I can. I sometimes feel like God is stripping me of all happiness, of all positive developments, so that I may completely rely on Him (or that He gave the the grace of feeling peaceful this cycle because He knew bad news was coming). I will continue to rely on Him, because there is no other option.

Sorry to be all gloom and doom. I guess my cycle could just as easily be back to normal next month (and no, I didn't have any extra stress this month. My husband did have back surgery, but I wouldn't say that caused any more stress than normal). Let's hope. I just pray that my body can respond to the medication and the diet. I pray that this cycle was a fluke, and things will normalize next month.

We're heading up north tonight at 12:30 (a.m., that is) when my husband gets off of work. Please say a prayer for our safe travels if you get a chance!

God's grace

For most of my life, I knew I was going to have twin girls. I was sure of it. There was nothing you could have said to change my mind.

I'm honestly not sure where this started, whether I dreamed it as a child, felt it come to me while in prayer, or whether some weird spirit game we played in junior high "revealed" it to me (did you do this too, or was it just in my messed-up small town? Pretty scary, now that I think about it). All I know is that I've been sure of it since I was a child. I even had their names picked out.. several different times. If you knew me, you knew that I knew I would have twin girls. Yes, I was pretty vocal about it because, mainly, I constantly talked about being a mother. Go figure.

Anyways, this "feeling" has obviously dissipated since the onset of my infertility, to say the least. It actually now seems silly, naive, a reminder of the innocent me back when I believed first came se.x, then came babies. I resent that person. Twins? Two babies? It just seems so ridiculous.

Well, for some reason, my twin girls came to mind today. Not because I suddenly have some feeling I'm going to have twins, but because it occured to me, out of the blue, that maybe, just maybe, I can attempt to muster up that same sort of confidence again. After all, doesn't God want us to approach our faith like little children? Little, innocent children who think that they're going to have twin girls.

This feeling happens to come at a time when I am feeling a great sense of peace about infertility. Because I am what I would consider an infertility veteran at this point, I am well aware that this feeling could be gone tomorrow. You never know. But I've come to appreciate any moments of peace, understanding, joy, trust, or patience that God gives me.

I'm pretty tired so this might not make much sense, but lately I've had this feeling that the experience of infertility is actually a calling. Now, I know that this is a concept explored by many before. I, myself, have written about it. But the difference now is that the feeling isn't coming from my head, but rather from my heart. I'm not wishing I could feel this way, I actually do feel this way. I'm not sure how to explain it, other than to say that lately I have felt like infertility could actually be looked at as a positive thing; like that God has chosen me for it and is allowing me to experience this and feel this way. If I look at it from that perspective, I should feel blessed that I have been picked by God to experience something that requires me to drastically change my way of thinking. He knows better than me, of course, and through this time of loss I am forced to re-examine my life and follow Him much more closely. It's safe to say I'd be a very different person if not for infertility.

I also have begun to feel more and more like God's plan for me might actually be better than I could have imagined. Now, I'm sure I'll have many down times in the coming months when this concept might not sit as well with me (it's best to be realistic about these things). But for the time being, I choose to trust in Him.

I'd like to think this new sense of peace is a grace from God. I believe He is allowing me to see things differently and to have greater insight (honestly, I did recently pray for greater understanding. I forgot I prayed for that until right now. Funny how that happens!). For some reason, God decided to bless me in this way at this point in my journey. Why? I'm not sure. Just add it to the list of mysteries.

This is not to say that I'm suddenly fine with my barreness. Not at all. I still have moments of weakness when I feel jealousy, or question God. But the noticeable difference comes when I'm all alone. When I'm alone and I'm left to my own thoughts, that's when I would normally enter into despair. Instead, I now feel a sense of peace about it in those moments. I feel like I can wait. And I am starting to get the feeling that I should have more than hope - more like confidence - that I'll have a biological child, much like I use to think about having my twin girls. I'd like to think God is putting this on my heart because He is preparing me for a pregnancy, but I'm not going to assume. I'm going to take each day as it comes and try to please God as much as I can no matter what happens.

They're here!

Yay! We're so excited the DVDs are here! And we can't believe we're screening it in front of nearly 300 people in just a few days. We are truly blessed that this project has reached this point, and we give all the glory to God!

Waiting for my movie!

Well today I am anxiously awaiting my DVDs, which are supposed to be ready anytime. It will be so exciting to actually see them, all 250 of them! Now we just have to work on getting rid of them...

In cycle-related news, my temp is still up at 98.2. It's been there for four days now, except for three days ago when it dropped to 97.7. Not sure what that means. I also had some mucus yesterday - it was 10C, and was a tad bit yellowish. Not sure what that means either!

And some good news to report...I have now lost 26 pounds! I'm closing in on my goal weight (9 pounds to go). Soon I might actually have to adjust my goal weight to be a little lower. I'm just so thankful that God has given me the strength to keep with this diet and to have a good attitude about it. It's definitely one area of my life where He is blessing me tremendously. Oh - and my husband has lost 23 pounds. I'm so proud of him!

Speaking of my husband, today is his first day back at work. He's doing so great and is feeling much better. Isn't modern medicine amazing? He had back surgery two weeks ago and he is already almost completely back to normal. He still has some leg pain and it will be a little while longer until he can get back to playing basketball, but considering where he was, he is doing fabulously.

Sorry for the boring post. If and when I get my DVDs I'll update with a picture!

P.S. I am not sure if I took my first dose of met today. Am I better off taking my chances of missing the dose or possibly taking it twice this afternoon? I'm only on 1000 mgs (one 500 mg pill two times a day), so if I did already take it and I take it again, I'll have taken 1500 mg today. I'm leaning towards taking it right now. What do you think?

Strange cycle so far

Well it's day 18 (technically it's cd 19, but I'm writing as if it is still Monday) and this month has been a little funky so far. I went straight from spotting to mucus (no green stickers in between the red and the white for all you Creighton charters). I first saw mucus on day nine and I had a bunch of good mucus days in a row until the day before yesterday, day 16, I had a dry day. I knew something was weird, though, because my temp hadn't risen yet and was still hovering around 97.9. So the following day (Sunday) I had some more good mucus and my temp finally rose, but only to 98.2. Then this morning, my temp was back down to 97.7! I did wake up kind of early, but usually when my temp is up, waking up early may make it drop a bit, but never to pre-peak levels.

So it seems like I might not have ovulated this month, which is odd since I was apparently ovulating before my dose of met was increased. I'm fine with it, though. If it's going to happen, it will happen. I can't control my body, and I am already doing the little I can do (eating right, exercising, taking medication). Plus, I don't know for sure I didn't ovulate and I don't really know for sure I did ovulate the previous months (I'll never totally believe it unless I wind up pregnant or if it's caught on camera. Otherwise, I know from experience that tests can be wrong).

I'm not sure why I have a good attitude despite my cycles seemingly taking a step backwards. I guess I can only attribute it to God's grace. There have been a few periods in the last four years when I was really just waiting, and this is one of them (the four months between my two surgeries was another). Since my mind is truly in waiting mode, it may make possible set-backs like this easier to deal with because I'm focusing on the future, rather than on the next two weeks. I think the main reason I'm okay with it is that I've been there, done that, and I'm tired of living a life of despair. I'd rather just wait, and use this time to ask God to reveal what he has in store for me and my husband. Lately I've really found comfort in going with God's flow. I think if I truly give myself over to his will, that it might be an exciting ride. All I know is the way things currently are going sucks, so why not give God a chance to really be in control? He's got to do a better job than I've been doing at the helm (Jesus, take the wheel...take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own..... Sorry! Just a little musical interlude!).

******

So I think I'm going to putting some prayer requests at the end of my posts from time to time when I have some (my mom often calls me with them, so some will come from her as well). If you feel so inclined, you can say a quick prayer. If not, that's okay too. Here's my inaugural edition:

Prayer intentions:
For S.D., for healing, comfort and good test results.
For N.S. for healing.
For all those struggling with infertility.

Signs from God

So today we're at Mass and, as usual, it's tough to see all the babies and pregnant women and families with seven and eight kids (by the way, I really resent that Mass is a place that makes me sad). Then I hear the responsorial psalm, which I thought really spoke to the struggle of infertility:

R. (cf. 16) The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The LORD is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and of great kindness.
The LORD is good to all
and compassionate toward all his works.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The eyes of all look hopefully to you,
and you give them their food in due season;
you open your hand
and satisfy the desire of every living thing.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The LORD is just in all his ways
and holy in all his works.
The LORD is near to all who call upon him,
to all who call upon him in truth.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

Isn't that great? He is near to all who call upon him. He answers all our needs. And he gives us food in due season.

At one point, I began to pray and I decided to just be honest with God and lay it all out on the table. I asked God if he could please let me know that he is really with me. Let me just say that I know this isn't the best way for a faithul Christian to behave and I even apologized to God for it. I told him I'm sinful and I'm weak and because of that, I am finding it difficult to blindly trust him. I told him if I am going to suffer through infertility, that I really needed to know that he is going to take care of me. And while I know that he is with me and will always take care of me, I just really needed to feel his presence. I needed comfort.

So fast-forward a bit and as we get up to leave after Mass, I ask my husband if he wanted to attend an inquiry session that was being held after Mass for people interested in starting RCIA (have I mentioned before that my husband isn't officially Catholic? That's another post). I have never pushed him to convert and so it wasn't a given that we'd attend this session. He said sure, so we went. Well, at one point during the session, one participant mentions how EWTN helped to introduce him to the Church, and a man running the meeting responded by saying that a couple, who was also there helping with the meeting, knows Mother Angelica personally so this participant should talk with them after if he'd like. Let's just say that my husband and I immediately perked up! I could see him glance my way but I resisted the urge to look at him and acted all cool (if you're not familiar with my blog, just know that we are trying to get a documentary we produced on EWTN and meeting someone with connections is BIG!).

My wonderful husband later told me that he knew right then that he needed to find a way to bring up our movie, and he did it in a really smooth way, I might add. Everyone was SO interested in it and started asking us tons of questions. So the man with ties to EWTN then asks me if I wanted the Pope to see it. WHAT??!! I'm like, ya, that'd be nice. And he's like, I can get it to him. WHAT??!! It turns out he is involved in research for something that I won't mention here for fear that something will come up in a google search, but something that the Church has a lot of interest in. I don't know his exact ties to the Pope, but I'm sure he is very connected to the Vatican through this work. So while in any other circumstance I'd be thrilled to meet someone who could help get my movie on EWTN, the Pope trumps that for sure! We are definitely getting him a copy of the movie at Mass next Sunday, and then it's in God's hands.

So, to make a long story short.. I'm not saying this is definitely going to work out, but what I do know is this is one way God has answered my prayers. And it is through these answered prayers (non-infertility-related prayers) that he is allowing me to feel his closeness. It's God's way of reminding me that despite my cries for a child seemingly going unanswered, he is still listening and still blessing me in other ways. And when I, in a moment of weakness and saddness, ask him to basically show me a "sign" (like a doubting Thomas), he does. God is truly amazing.

We closed the meeting with a prayer that nearly had me crying in front of everyone. It's a prayer of abandonement by Blessed Charles of Jesus, and it is perfect for those of us with infertility.

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your
hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Hopefully, one day soon, I can really believe these words with all my heart.

I want to end this post by asking for your prayers for a special intention. I can't go into details, but please pray that a friend of ours can find the Lord because this person is in a really bad place and needs God desperately, they just don't know it. Thanks, and you are all in my prayers as well!