What's in my head

So there are a bunch of things about which I keep thinking "Oh, I should blog about that" but never do. So tonight I'm going to cover them all... Not because I think you so desperately need this information, but because then my mind will feel all cleared out and orderly. And then I can stop writing blog entries in my head as I'm grocery shopping (do you think in blog entries too?). So here they are, in no particular order:

• My laparatomy scar is itching REALLY badly lately. Just wanted to point this out. And it's huge and vertical. Just wanted to point that out as well.

• I've been very busy lately working on my movie, in particular, the DVD label and jacket artwork, and promoting the upcoming premiere. One day I'm worried we overestimated the premiere turnout and the next we're worried we've greatly underestimated it. But, as a woman who is helping me with it pointed out, we just need to trust that God will work it all out.

• Good news - I am doing an interview tomorrow with the local diocesan newspaper about the movie premiere. Yay! The bad news - I have to wake up early so as to not have the reporter wake me up and ask, "Did I wake you?" to which I would reply, groggily, "No, of course not." How come they always know?

• On the same topic, because I am the owner of two blogs (three actually, but the third states my actual weight, which will never be for public consumption), one much more popular than the other, I need to ask you to visit my less-popular blog in the interest of fairness. Its feelings are getting hurt. Actually, we only just started updating it, which we plan to do at least every other day now. And an extra-added bonus if you visit - you get to find out my first name. How can you resist that? Okay, here's the link.

• My toe nail fell off. The big one. It hurt like a son of a gun for about a week before it fell off and as soon as it stopped hurting, it fell off. So what does it look like now? Well, it looks fine, amazingly and grossly, all at the same time (a toe without a nail shouldn't look normal!). And it would look like nothing was wrong at all if I wasn't so lazy as to not remove my red polish from my other nine toes. I'm that lazy. I'm considering going to get a pedicure and giving the technician a little surprise.

• I'm starting to notice a trend - I have my clearest, stetchiest and greatest quanitity of mucus two days before my temperature peaks and two days before the mucus stops. I'm guessing this has something to do my estrogen doing what it's supposed to do a couple days before my progesterone does what it's supposed to do. But what does that mean? I'm having a difficult time wrapping my mind around what is going on down there. I guess it just means the timing is off and I should leave it at that.

• I somehow managed today to convince my husband to make a deal with me that if I went to the mall by myself, he'd clean the house. What?! I know, I'm a lucky girl and a good negotiator.

• My husband's back got sore mopping tonight. Good negotiator, bad wife.

• I successfully slipcovered a chair today.

• I'm officially getting sick of vegetables, low-carb pasta, Splenda, and light butter (not good news for my life-style changing, permanent, forever and ever and ever, diet). I'm still eating the latter three, but as for my go-to veggies - squash, zucchini and broccoli - I'm taking a few days off. They were starting to make me gag.

Alright, if you made it this far, I appreciate that. I feel refreshed.

Just about anything can make me feel barren

If I am ever lucky enough to actually get pregnant and have a child, please remind me never to make my profile picture on Fa.cebo.ok a picture of me and my baby. While there's nothing innately wrong with it, and I would have every right - even deserve - to do it, I will refuse to do so simply as a show of solidarity with my former, infertile, self. There is nothing that can make my mood go south more than scrolling through thumbnail photo after thumbnail photo of former classmates and their babies (actually, there is something worse - seeing photos of former classmates of my five-years-younger sister and their babies). Instead of a picture of them by their name, you'll find a photo of mom and newborn in the hospital, or one of mom and infant, or the entire happy family, or the always popular photo of just the baby, or - my personal fave - the parent with their seven-year-old (nothing drives my barreness home more than the reminder that I could have a child in the third grade).

I don't mean to sound bitter. It's not their problem, it's clearly mine. In no way, shape or form do I expect them to make decisions based on how it might affect someone with infertility. These people, of course, are normal and are just behaving normally. More power to them to do that on a social networking site. And I'm quite sure I'll even feel inclined to do so if I do ever have children. I'll probably want to show the world that I'm normal, too. But I'm pretty sure I'll always think of how it would have made my old infertile self feel. Darn infertility.

Speaking of things that infertility has robbed me of, my anniversary is quickly approaching. Unfortunately, instead of a celebration of four years of marriage, it will be a reminder that it has been four years since we first started trying to conceive. Just as two years sounded worse than one, and three sounded much worse than two, four sounds pretty bad. I hate that our anniversary has to be ruined by this, and while I know that ultimately I am in control of whether or not I enjoy the day, I can't help but associate the two things and that makes me mad.

So the thought that year four is almost officially here made me kind of depressed today. I decided, though, to use the experience constructively. I made sure to pray every time I felt the urge to get real down and I thought about suffering as a form of penance and all of that, which helped. Mainly, I tried to stop myself from taking it out on others (I'm not sure my husband will say I was successful). It was the first time I really put any kind of real effort into it "in the moment," so I guess it is at least a step in the right direction.

As for my cycle, it is day 13 and I've had about four or five days of peak-type mucus so far. Nothing too out of the ordinary, except I did have some pretty bad pain over the weekend and again last night. While in past months I had pain on my left side, this time it's on my right which makes me think it is possibly due to ovulation (but not necessarily in a good way.. I don't think healthy ovaries cause actual pain lasting several hours, do they?). Since there's nothing I can do about it, I am not spending too much time worrying about it. Putting time and energy into wondering what may be causing it isn't going to get me pregnant any faster.

Your Cross

Shannon at A Friend of Gianna shared this prayer on her blog recently and I thought it was perfect for the struggle of infertility. I hope it can offer help to someone who happens to read it today...

Your Cross

The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from
eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift
from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you He
has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with
His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with
loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it
be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for
you. He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with
His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage,
and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from
God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.

-St. Francis de Sales

A miscellaneous update

Not much to report except some good news - I am hopefully officially over my met sickness, thanks be to God! It appears, for the time being at least, that the metformin-related nausea was just my body getting used to the new medication. It lasted six days. Since Thursday I have felt fine. AND I've even eaten salad at a restaurant twice and haven't been too diligent about taking the pill with milk. And I still have felt fine. I am super appreciative of this and do not take it for granted, believe me! (Now let's just hope that tomorrow's post doesn't begin with "Well, I spoke to soon...")

As for my cycle, today is day nine. Things are looking fairly normal so far, and hopefully they'll stay that way (or improve of course) over the next three to eight months (which is how long the met is supposed to take to kick in). I've decided that I'm going to wait this out as patiently as possible. I should be glad that there is no immediate pressure for the medication to work. I don't have to begin to worry until next year, and even then I hope that I'll have grown enough spiritually to where worry is no longer in my vocabulary (now that's a goal). It's slowly starting to sink in that God is really, really good and that he does have plans for us. And I don't mean that in a line-that-I-just-feed-myself sort of way. I don't know when my miracle will come, or how it will be delivered, or if it's even what I'm imagining (knowing God, probably not), but something is in the works.

My husband is doing much better today. We even went out to eat tonight (and let's just say I carbo-loaded on some dark wheat bread at a certain chain restaurant with an Austrialian theme. I actually lost all control and my poor husband was reduced to putting the remaining bread IN HIS DRINKING GLASS so as to "ruin" it for me [he was trying to do me a favor since he figured I'd regret it later]. But because a little water never hurt anyone, I managed to grab some of what was left. Hey, at least it was wheat!) and don't tell anyone but he had a beer even though he's on steroids and pain pills (my mom, a nurse, gave him the official okay). He deserved it after all he's gone through. And he really is handling everything so well, despite the craziness that the medications are causing his system. I will say that I am thoroughly enjoying him being home with me, especially now that he's getting back to his normal self (not that I didn't also love and appreciate the "sick" him as well). Hopefully he won't get sick of me!

Pleasing God

I have been doing fairly well lately, but tonight infertility is weighing heavy on my heart. In particular, I'm having, once again, a difficult time with the question of why so many families are blessed with many children while so many of the rest of us are left with none. While blog-hopping, I seemed to keep landing on blogs of huge Catholic families. I think sometimes these families are the most difficult for me to see and test me the most when it comes to jealousy.

I know we all have our own crosses to bear. I try to remind myself that these families with their photographs of beautiful, smiling children have problems of their own. Perhaps the parents had difficult childhoods, didn't have the love of parents that I did, or have dealt with serious illness in their lifetime. The truth is that everyone has varying degrees of suffering and some may not be called to suffer much at all. Whatever the case may be, it does me no good to compare my suffering to the sufferings of others. I am trying to stop questioning God and just let things be, but tonight I am failing.

It's just one of those times when I just can't believe this is happening to me. Like always, I'll tell myself that God is with me, even when it doesn't seem like he is. I'll tell myself that there is a plan, and not having children must be part of it. I'll tell myself that there is still hope, and I could be pregnant one day. It's just that I've been telling myself those things for nearly four years now and it's becoming harder to believe them. I need some new lines for my pep talks.

When my husband was in the hospital earlier this week, a brought along the book that came out last year about Mother Theresa - the one that caused the big stir in the media at the time. The headlines were 'Mother Theresa questioned God's existence'. What the media failed to mention (not surprisingly) was that despite feeling like God was no where to be found, she remained confident he was there (I'm much more simple-minded - if I don't get my prayers answered, I don't think he's there). What an amazing faith she must have had, but it wasn't perfect. She did question it and in the book's commentary, it says she was afraid. But...

With the help of her spiritual directors, she progressively came to grasp that her painful inner experience was an essential part of living out her mission. It was sharing in the Passion of Christ on the Cross - with a particular emphasis on the thirst of Jesus as the mystery of His longing for the love and salvation of every human person. Eventually she recognized her mysterious suffering as an imprint of Christ's Passion on her soul. She was living the mystery of Calvary - the Calvary of Jesus and the Calvary of the poor...Although this intense and ongoing spiritual agony could have made her despondent, she instead radiated remarkable love and joy, because she had built the edifice of her life on pure faith.

While I am far from the person Mother Theresa was (the understatement of the year), I can relate to her suffering and feelings of abandonement, and I can look to her example for how she responded. I really like the image of Christ's thirst. I definitely thirst for children (obviously silly compared to Christ's thirst for the salvation of all humans, but you know what I mean), and I know that I, too, shouldn't be despondent. I definitely do not radiate remarkable love and joy.

I kind of seems silly that I could possibly radiate joy in my present state, but Mother Theresa actually did it. She was grateful for the suffering - grateful! - and saw all loneliness and darkness as an opportunity to "drain out of me every drop of self." Here's what she wrote:

...so the darkness is so dark and the pain is so great, but in spite of it all - my retreat resolution was the same

A hearty "Yes" to God

A big "Smile" to all

and it seems to me that these two words are the only thing that keeps me
going...Pray for me Father, that I may just keep the two words "Yes" &
"Smile."

The difference between her and me (well, one of the many differences, of course) is that she set out each day to please God in every breath she took. Let's just say that I do not. I obviously need to try to remember to please God in every thing I do. When I'm inclined to feel jealousy I should ask, "Does it please God?" When I'm spending too much time on the internet and not enough in prayer, I should ask "Does it please God?"  When I wake up, I should ask "What can I do today to please God?" Acting that way doesn't bring with it a promise of a lighter load (or, more specifically, a first-class ticket to pregnancy-ville), as it surely didn't for Mother Theresa. And that's clearly not why she did it. But doing so will please God, and that should be all that matters.

Metformin and me

Ahhh! This metformin is really getting to me!

I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record, but I need to vent. I was a little nauseous this morning (it's technically Thursday morning right now, but I'm referring to Wednesday here), but was okay this afternoon. So I ate some low-carb pasta salad I made (lately, nearly-plain pasta is one of the only things that appeals to me) and took a pill. I actually felt good for a while and even ate some more pasta a couple hours later. Then, about four hours after taking the met the nausea set in. I'm starting to notice a trend - I feel sick 3-4 hours after each dose. Anyways, it got better but by then I had entered my no-food zone of 8:30 to 11:30. At midnight, I started to feel very ill and actually thought I was going to pass out, so I laid down (yes, I made my poor husband, who is recovering from surgery, get off the couch for me. It was that bad). At this point, I was due for another dose (just what I wanted!), so I forced myself to eat some toast and took the pill. Oh - and I've had horrible heart burn off and on all day.

So that's what my day looked like. I'm not sure if the fact that I'm eating very little is adding to my problem, or if it's that when I do eat I'm eating mainly carbs. I read somewhere that I should have some protein to help with the nausea, but I can't bring myself to make anything. My husband hasn't had much of an appetite either, but he's getting better each day so tomorrow I might try to make a balanced meal.

If this lasts another week or two, I might call my doctor and see if there's anything I can do, like switching to extended release. Right now I'm just grateful to God that I feel like I can handle this (even though it probably doesn't seem that way from this blog!). And even though we're not getting along too well at the moment, I'm still holding out hope that I will grow to love metformin once it is responsible for my first pregnancy!

Home from the hospital

Well my husband's surgery went very well. Thanks for all your prayers! He stayed overnight in the hospital (the reclining chair I slept in was surprisingly comfortable!) and we went home this afternoon. He didn't react well to the anesthesia and/or morphine last night, but his stomach is much better today. He has back pain from the surgery of course, but his leg, which was where his pain was the last few weeks, is already much better, which hopefully means the nerve will bounce back.

He told me he's afraid I'll post on here that he's acting like a big baby, but honestly he's being really good. Of course, he has to live up to the standard I set after my surgeries because I wasn't a baby at all. And that's saying a lot because I'm likely to act like a baby for no apparent reason on a typical day. Anyway, he's going to be out of work for two weeks, so we'll get to spend a lot of time together. Maybe if he's bored I'll get him to do a guest post on this blog!

As for my current status, which is far less important but still the main purpose of this blog, I am in the midst of full-blown Metformin nausea. Food is not only not appetizing, it is my enemy. And not for the usual reason that we have a love-hate relationship. No, I hate food now because I have to eat it and I don't want to. Not a problem I've ever experienced before, that's for sure. I now eat only under two circumstances: 1) When I have to take one of my two pills which must be taken with food (or I'll become even more nauseous, I suppose) or 2) when my nausea suddenly turns to immense hunger, like I haven't eaten in a week (which happens twice a day lately).

I just feel like there has got to be something I can do. Are there foods to stay away from (other than lettuce)? Are there foods I should be eating (I'm obviously on my diet, which should be met-friendly)? Should I not take the met at the same time as my prolactin medication (both need to be taken twice a day with food and eating four times sounds awful to me right now)? I've googled the heck out of it, but never come up with much useful information. I'm still hoping that the symptoms will subside once my body is use to the medicine. It's been five days so far.

The sick feeling is manageable if it increases my chances of conceiving. I'll go through much worse if it means getting pregnant. It definitely won't cause me to decrease the dose because this apparently is my only chance. I do get nervous, though, when I think that I might have to be on this medication indefinitely, for my overall health. If it comes to that (after I've had several children, of course), hopefully taking a low dose, combined with diet, will be enough.

Okay, enough about me. I feel bad complaining when my husband's in his current condition.

How quickly things change

After my post yesterday, my mood seems to have gone down hill. Here's a brief synopsis of what has taken place:

* I spotted a HUGE bug (like half a foot long! definitely at least three inches) in my kitchen and I lost it. I had a panic attack, mainly because I was home alone and my husband wasn't there to kill it, and he wasn't due home from work for another hour. So after screaming in horror for a while, I think I sufficiently scared it and it ran off behind our cabinets. That meant it was lost and could turn up at any moment, so I retreated to the bedroom and placed a towel underneath the door (yes, I really did, something I learned when the house was infested with bees). I called my mom, crying probably a little too hard, and I'm pretty sure she officially thinks I have a serious mental problem. She's probably scheduling an intervention as we speak. Luckily, I decided today that it wasn't practical to only live in the bedroom (and it's not like bugs can't find me there anyways) and I have nervously been in the living room. I avoided the kitchen until about 30 minutes ago, though, when I got up the nerve to clean everything it might have touched.

* I now officially know what everyone is talking about when it comes to Metformin. Thanks to the bug, I didn't make dinner and so we got subs. These subs are entirely G.I.-friendly, though. They're tiny, on whole wheat rolls and I get nothing on it except turkey, lettuce, tomato and I put on low-fat mayo at home. Well, apparently it didn't agree with Metformin, because I woke up very sick at 4 a.m. Today I feel like I'm getting over a stomach bug or kind of like I'm hung over. From what I've read, it could have been from the lettuce. I'll stay clear of that for now, that's for sure. I'm still taking it before the meal with milk and all of that, but if anyone has any other advice, let me know. I just hope that if this is how I'll feel on the increased dose, that it goes away after a week or so of taking it, but I know for many it does not. Not taking it, or reducing the dose, is not an option.

* I know this might sound silly, but the other day I stubbed my toe. I stubbed it so bad that the nail almost came off and it hasn't stopped seeping since. I haven't wanted to complain about this because it just seemed so dumb in light of my husband's impending BACK SURGERY, you know? Today, though, I reinjured it by placing a laundry basket on top of it. Basically anything touching it reinjures it.

So that's what my past 24 hours looks like. Combine these instances with crazy hormones, and you get a crying mess.

Don't get me wrong, I know I don't have it bad. And in an effort to balance this post out, I'm including a quote from a story on 60 Minutes tonight about Darfur. This is what a doctor at a refugee camp had to say about the situation there:

"This is bad. They go to the villages and they burn one village after another. Then when the people come out they catch the women and they gang-bang, they rape them, not one guy, no, ten, fifteen and then they carve up the men and throw them in the drinking water to make sure this place will never, ever be used again. And you're telling me the people in America don't know this or don't want to know this? Maybe it's too much to know, but that's what's happening right now and it's happening all over again. I'm sorry to say I'm gonna sit here in two years time and I'm gonna tell you the same sad story and people will say (words in German), which is German for "I didn't know."

He really said it all there. It's horror beyond our comprehension. And his remarks at the end brought to mind the Holocaust, you know? We think we would have done something had we lived during that time, but it's going on today in parts of the world and we do nothing. But what can we do? Donating money and spreading the word just seems silly in the grand scheme of things. I guess we can pray though. It also makes me so sad to see all the orphaned children who are dying. I'll take all of them home! I would fill my house with them if we were allowed. So my stubbed toe seems ridiculous in light of this, and my infertility even seems dwarfed. I guess it's good to remind ourselves of that once in a while.

The big three

This new cycle is really kicking me in the butt. I am exhausted, and since I'm exhausted every day to begin with, I needed to italicize that to stress an increased level of exhaustion. I also doubled my dose of metformin yesterday, so hopefully 1000 mg might be enough to begin to actually alleviate my PCOS symptoms, like exhaustion. If that does happen, I don't know what I'll do with my new-found energy. Clean? Get more work done? Be able to stand up without nearly falling over each time? I'm getting excited already!

I would also like to take this moment to thank God that my endometriosis pain is gone. If it wasn't for my surgery, at this very moment I'd likely be downing ad.vil and holding a heating pad to my abdomen. I'm very blessed that I can complain about just being tired. How quickly I forget!

So lately I'm trying to work on the big three - trust, patience and hope. I'm praying about it, asking God for help, and trying to put each into action. When it comes to trust, I am trying to take cues from other areas of my life where I have a great deal of trust, like when it comes to our finances, my documentary, or, more recently, my husband's surgery. I have placed each of these in God's hands and I have no trouble leaving them there. But sometimes I wonder, perhaps that's possible because none of them are too serious, none are the equivalent of not being able to get pregnant. If my documentary doesn't make it, I'll be perfectly fine. If we were to have money trouble then we'd just cut back, and if something really serious happened financially, I have no fear that we'd end up homeless. There are always jobs and there are always family members who can help out. And if something bad did happen to my husband, well, I think I would most definitely struggle with trust. So I guess the real issue is trusting when things look bleak. I need to trust not that I'll be pregnant, but that I'll be okay if I'm not.

When it comes to patience, I have no choice. Well, I guess I could lament each day for the next four to nine months if I really wanted to. But since I know that I can't even hope to conceive before then (since the met needs to kick in), I will take this time to learn how to wait patiently. That means trying my best to not complain as I suffer. We'll see how that goes. Patience for me also means not over-analyzing every ache and pain I have, as well as not coming up with tons of philosophical and theological questions concerning infertility. I need to just relax, let go and act in a way that I know would please God.

And as for hope, I think it's contigent upon the other two. If I don't have trust or patience, I definitely won't have hope. I think what I really need to explore, though, is what I'm hoping for. I can't realistically hope for a pregnancy. I could, but I'd feel like I was lying to myself and the negative me would always follow up an ounce of hope with a big dose of "but it is very possible I won't ever get pregnant!" That's the cycle I've been in for nearly four years now. I think what I need to hope for is that one day I'll have joy. That can also be a tough pill to swallow ("but how can I possibly have joy if I'm infertile?"), but that just brings us back to trust.

For now, I just need to concentrate on riding this out and taking what comes my way. I need to cry when I feel like crying, but never feel like all hope is lost. When I have lost it in recent weeks, I have really lost it. Lately when I'm down, I feel like my life is a huge waste of time and God has just completely given up on me. I just hope the next time that happens that I can try to remember that God has not forsaken me and if I trust, the suffering will be easier to bear. I don't know if there's an easy fix for this, or if I just keep trying, failing, and trying again if it will start to sink in. God, please help me to heal spiritually and emotionally (and physically of course, if that's your will)!

Good news

That's not something I'd normally title a post on cycle day one (which today happens to be), but that shows how important this good news is. I finally got the call I'd been waiting for - I only have to take my temps and pulses once a week! Yay! I almost started crying when I heard this. I know that sounds very silly, but anyone who is or has been part of the PPVI thyroid study knows how much this medication controls your life. I'll still be taking the T3 and I still won't be able to eat for six hours a day, but that's fine. It's good enough that I won't have to carry around my folder with my temp and pulse chart and my thermometer, hear my cell phone alarm go off all day and stop what I'm doing each time. I will also no longer have to feel guilty about missing my temp times and taking them at like 11 p.m. midnight and 1 a.m., something I've done many times (don't tell PPVI!).

That's not the only good news today. I also have now officially lost 20.2 pounds! And that means my current weight has now entered a new bracket, if you know what I mean. For instance, my weight is 1_9 (sorry, I'm not low enough yet that I want to post the exact weight!). It was very exciting to see that on the scale!

And there's even more fun news. Last night I met my first infertility blogger friend in person! Amber and I met for dinner and had a great time (despite the fact the there was a baby shower going on right next to us - how funny is that?). She's moving to Richmond and will even be going to the same parish as me. She is super cool, and it's nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going through.

So as I mentioned, today is cycle day one, although I'm kind of confused whether yesterday may have been instead. Three days ago I had spotting, two days ago I had no spotting, and yesterday I had spotting but also saw clear, lubricative and stretchy mucus. So does yesterday still get a red sticker, which would make it the first day of the cycle? It always bugs me when I have to do that. I'm not sure why, but it just does. It's like I have to rob days from my luteal phase (which I really want to be longer) and tack them onto the beginning, which does no good.

Anyways, now that it's over, this cycle was pretty good. It was 29 days long (or 28, if yesterday was actually cd1), my luteal phase was 12 days (or 11), I had one peak day again (yay!), and seven days of mucus. And when I entered my temps into Fertility Friend, it said it detected ovulation, which it did not say last month. I suspect I did ovulate last month as well, but this just means my temps are getting more normal and normal is good!

In even more good news, I'm not depressed that today is cd1. That's big. I usually want to do something fun to get my mind off of it, but today I'm fine. I'm focusing on the fact that things look much more normal and I know my body is slowly getting on track. I have to give it time, and for the next four months or so, I really need to be patient. And at least for today, I'm okay with that.

Surgery, dancing, and even a cycle update

Thank you all for your prayers for my husband. We found out today that he does have to have surgery on his back, which he'll have this coming Monday. He has a herniated disc and a fragment broke off and is pinching a nerve. If it was just painful, the surgeon said he might try treating it with physical therapy, but because my husband's leg is showing signs of weakness, it becomes a much more urgent matter.

The surgery is apparently pretty easy, as far as back surgeries go. It should only take like 20-30 minutes and he'll stay in the hospital overnight. He will have to be out of work for two weeks, which he was kind of nervous about at first. God has already taken care of that for us, though, and he'll be able to go on short-term disability without losing all of his vacation days (not having any vacation time for half of the year is tough when your family's eight hours away). We are still a little worried about money and paying for our portion of the surgery expenses. We paid off our credit cards last year and even managed to pay off expenses for both of my surgeries without going into debt, so we hope we'll be able to do the same this time. We don't know exactly how that will happen yet, but we're trusting God (something I'm great at when it doesn't involve my own infertility).

Turning to a completely different topic - did you see tonight's episode of So You Think You Can Dance? You know it's a good episode when I have to save it on my DVR indefinitely (it's right there with the Saturday Night Live episode featuring the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad digital short. Had we not moved last year to a new state and a new cable provider, the 2006 American Idol finale would be there as well). Let me just say, it started out strong when they announced Comfort was back, and it only got better when I found out she was paired with Twitch! Then to top it all off, they got hip-hop! Seems unfair, but it works for me! Okay, so they're hip-hop dance was A-MAZING! Or "buck" as Lil C likes to say. It's my favorite hip-hop routine this season, if ever. And then Will and Katee's second routine - I'm speechless!

Okay, sorry if you don't watch the show but I provided links to get you all caught up. Do yourself a favor. And while you're at it, watch this one too.

On the infertility front (do I have to? yes, this is an infertility blog).. I had some spotting last night (Tuesday) but none so far today (1:45 a.m. is still Wed. to me, so you'll just have to keep up with the day references). My temp dropped this morning to 98.2, so this cycle will probably come to an end in the next two days. It's weird that I can predict that now! Definitely not something I am use to.

Okay, time to go to bed.

*Update: So I just saw something very out of the ordinary for me - peak-type mucus (or what appears to be peak-type mucus) on cd 29. And I'm talking 8KL. I know I shouldn't over analyze, but I'm just curious what that could mean about my hormones. My temperature has been dropping for two days now (which I assume has to do with progesterone dropping. And, by the way, do normal cycles see a sudden temp drop? My dr. said one of my problems is that my prog. drops too gradually, so I should probably hope that eventually my temp drops more suddenly, right?) and my period is expected tomorrow, so what would cause peak-type mucus at this point? I've read that some women get this before their period, but I never have. I wish I could just be permanently hooked up to some portable monitor that is constantly reading-out all of my hormone levels. Yes, I would wear one.

I'm tired, too tired to think of a good title

I'm back in VA. I've got so much I should be doing, but instead I feel like taking a day to rest. Well, at least a half-day to rest. This morning my husband had a doctor's appointment for his leg pain. The doctor was much better than the ER (obviously) and thinks it is a problem with a disc, which is probably pinching a nerve. He ordered an MRI, and my husband got in right away because the doctor called it "urgent," due to the fact that my husband's leg showed signs of weakness. So hopefully we'll hear back today or tomorrow and we're hoping surgery isn't necessary, but if it is, we'll deal with it. I just want his pain to go away and for him to return to normal.

Meanwhile, I'm tired. That's just my overall mood right now. I've had this nagging feeling lately to handle this infertility stuff better and I'm trying. I really am. But right now I'm tired physically and emotionally.

On Sunday, we had an anniversary party for my grandparents and some of my cousins had their babies there (and I should add that one of those cousins isn't married, and the other two were married well after I was. That's always nice). One baby in particular hadn't been seen yet by most of the family so, of course, a big deal was made of it. I tried to handle it well, but I couldn't help but sit there at lunch, eating lettuce and scraping the fried coating off my chicken parmesan, feeling sorry for myself. It was so clear at that moment - I was sitting there, childless, unable to eat most of the food, while everyone else could have kids and a normal diet (I know food and pregnancy are no where near each other on the importance scale, but it just made for a stark contrast). Sometimes it just doesn't seem right at all.

So there I was at the party when all of a sudden I became acutely aware of one thing - I am unable to have kids. Has anything like that ever happened to you? It's happened to me in the past and always seems to come out of nowhere. Something I live with every day, something that is most definitely not new, just all of a sudden hits me hard. I am unable to have kids. I am that woman. This is my life. It's like it hits me in my heart with a force that I must find a way to supress every other moment, without even realizing it. It's almost like an out-of-body experience, where I am, for a second, looking at myself with new eyes. And it shouldn't surprise me, but it always does. Wait a minute, are you saying I'm unable to have kids? Un-able? Like, I'm barren? And I may never have a baby to bring to family parties? I wonder if anyone there noticed that I was completely out of it for a few minutes.

On the way home (when I was by myself, of course) I cried. But this time it wasn't in a bratty way, but because I just couldn't help it. After a few minutes, I dried my tears and went on with my day.

I know I won't be pregnant any time soon, I just pray it happens some time in the years to come. I think, for many, there is a point in the infertility struggle when you go from believing it could happen each month, to struggling to maintain a shred of hope each month, to knowing it won't happen for a long time, if ever. For me, the first phase of having monthly hope probably lasted a year and a half. The phase of trying to muster up some hope lasted through the remainder of year two, and then year three was when I realized it wasn't going to happen. I'm not saying it won't happen ever, but mine is a much bigger picture. Now the struggle becomes one of patience and how to handle what will likely be a long wait. So I'm now trying to focus on the small things - like that my chart looks much more normal, my temperature appears to be doing the right thing, and I'm on medication for PCOS. Things are looking up lately. Not for a pregnancy any time soon, but for a pregnancy some day.

Alright, sorry to ramble. My husband left the room a while ago and I'm hoping he fell asleep, but I should go see if he's okay. Hopefully I'll have some good news about him tomorrow.

Normalcy is good

First of all, thank you guys for your supportive comments on my last post. I was a little nervous to put that out there, but I'm not anymore. Not only do I feel like it should be said, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I am among those who should be saying it more often. As Katie pointed out in her comment, fertile women are sometimes chastised for speaking out about an issue some think they don't have the right to talk about (it shouldn't be like that, but it is). So that got me thinking. Maybe I am someone who can and should be speaking out about it, educating other Catholics. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm going through this. I'm not sure in what capacity I could do that, but I guess I'll pray about it.

Anyways, it has been a busy few days. I head back to VA tomorrow morning. If you get a chance, please pray for my husband. He is having horrible pain in one of his legs and he even went to the ER this morning. Of course this happens when I am not there, of all times, and the worst of it happened while I was on the air this morning so no one could even reach me (and keep in mind - I am normally always home and always available). It's bad, though. He hasn't slept since Friday night and the pain meds he got at the ER barely do anything for it. Hopefully we can find out what it is in the next few days and get it taken care of.

As for my cycle, it's day 25 and it's eight days post-peak. The really interesting thing, though, is that this cycle is so far identical to last cycle. I started mucus on the same day (day 11), it lasted for the same amount of time (seven days), and peaked on the same day (day 17). This might sound like no big deal, but you have to understand that no two cycles have even come close to being similar for me in the past. So this is big.

Also big is the fact that the last three cycles - which also happen to be the three cycles since starting my diet - appear very normal. I had a normal amount of mucus, one peak day, and then several dry days. That is HUGE for me. Since I started charting two years ago I have never, until May, had a cycle that appeared "textbook." I almost want to take a picture of my charts before May, because you really have to see them to understand. They're crazy. They're all over the place. I counted, and my cycles prior to May have an average of 3.2 peak days, meaning I wrote the little "P" on the white sticker, had a few dry days, and then had more mucus, and another "P". This happened four or five times during some cycles. I rarely had one peak day. But now... the average number of peak days for my last three cycles is one. One! I love being normal!

Another stat I worked up when I was bored - the average length of my cycle pre-laparotomy was 36.14, while the average length of my cycles post-surgery is 28.6. I just think things are definitely looking up. I can't deny that. Things are changing, and they appear to be changing for the better. I'm not sure if it's my diet, though, because May is also the point at which my prolactin medication probably kicked in. Regardless, something is helping.

So interesting little thing about me lately - I really don't have much of an appetite. That's really weird for me. Really, really weird. I like to eat and I'm hungry often, even on my diet. Today I had to force myself to eat in order to take medication, which I'm about to do again in a few minutes. Maybe it's the Met, but I've been on it for about three weeks at this point and it didn't start until the other day. Speaking of Met, I started taking it with milk and before my meal, and doing so has completely alleviated any stomach upset (which is another reason I'm not sure this is due to the medication).

Well if this cycle continues to mimic last month's, then it will come to a conclusion on Thursday. I've never been predictable, so this is new for me!

Update: So this morning my temp rose to 98.8. That's more good news because it had been hovering around 98.2-98.4 since my peak day and had been below 98.0 before that (and I awoke a couple hours earlier than normal today, and it still rose). I can't tell you how excited I was to see the high temp!

A touchy topic

So I'm watching Oprah. I should know better, but it's on the t.v. at my parents' house so I started watching. Not surprisingly she's talking about a subject somewhat related to infertility (I feel like every time I happen to watch that show it's about infertility... or dogs) and, of course, it started out about how great sperm donation is. Then, to my huge surprise, she brought on four women who were conceived with sperm donation and not all had great things to say about it (there "other" side is rarely presented, so this was shocking). Some talked about being deprived of the basic right to know their history and who both of their parents are. One woman even said, "I felt like I was a product." That makes me sad.

Also today, my grandmother, out of the blue, brought up that one of her friend's daughters had twins through IVF. Knowing she was telling me this story as either a way to offer me hope or just to show she can relate to me, I kindly told my grandmother that it is against the Church's beliefs and not an option for me. My grandmother doesn't know; she's been Catholic all her life, but I don't expect her to be up to date on the Holy See's stance on reproductive technology. It's never affected her or anyone close to her, and I doubt she spends too much time familiarizing herself with any of the Church's laws, for that matter.

This all made me think about something that's always bothered me, and one of the reasons I started this blog - the fact that the Catholic voice is often, if not always, left out of discussions about infertility. I know that most people in this country aren't Catholic, but it amazes me that the Catholic side of the infertility issue is never brought up in the media. It is completely ignored. Shows about IVF never mention that many people are opposed to the procedure. The "other" side on a show like that is the fact that it's so expensive, or whether couples should give up. It's never about the moral implications, how a woman's health issues fail to be addressed, the fact that it often has a low success rate, or - God forbid! - that many embryos are destroyed in the process.

We all know the reason why this side of the debate is ignored - it is a very sensitive issue due to the millions of children who have been conceived this way. If we imply that it is morally wrong, then we are giving the impression that we are judging these families and saying these children shouldn't have been born.

It's a very tough topic, but I believe the failure of anyone to talk about this is, at best, alienating Catholic couples with infertility and, at worst, helping to misinform Catholic couples who don't know the Church views it as illicit, or why the Church does in the first place (it's not just a "rule" we have to follow, it actually makes really great sense). I know, it's actually the job of the Church to teach these couples and many priests, marriage prep couples and lay ministers are unfortunately doing a poor job at this on the parish level. But it's also the responsibility of the media to include all sides as well.

If I hadn't been Catholic, or if I hadn't been pro-life, I might have been one of those women who did IVF. I now know how dangerous that would have been for me. Through NaPro Technology and pro-life doctors, I have discovered that the medical issue causing my infertility could, if left untreated, lead to diabetes or a heart attack at an ealier-than-normal age. If I had done IVF three years ago, my PCOS and insulin resistance may never have been discovered. I'm not saying women who undergo IVF are never diagnosed with something. Some are, but many are not. It is often used as a band-aid, to the disservice of the women who really need to know what's causing their infertility.

I've been hesitant to post a lot about IVF in the past (which is unlike me because I'm very passionate about it). I guess I, too, have been afraid to offend others, or worse, their children. The issue came up when we started the support group at my parish. Of course we wouldn't discuss IVF or similar procedures, but how would we approach the topic if women who have done the procedure or were considering it came to the group? I think we decided to hand out something that stated our stance on the issues at the beginning of a meeting (we haven't had too many women attend our meetings yet, so it hasn't been a big issue).

I think our first priority is to educate other Catholic couples about the topic. But I also hope that one day the moral implications of assisted reproductive technologies will be considered by the pro-life community at large (as well as the issue of contraception).

Well, sorry to rant. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I know how badly those of us with infertility want children. I KNOW. But I also believe strongly in the value of every human life, no matter how early on in life it is (and I don't think it's merely a personal choice; if that were the case, I'd have to call myself pro-choice). I just hope more women can find out that there's another option and that IVF isn't the only way to go. And I hope that one day NaPro Technology can become more widespread and that with diagnosis, surgery and medication, there won't be as much of a need for IVF or similiar procedures. Now those of us who are NaPro patients just need to get pregnant, and help out those stats!!

Patience and trust

So I made it to NY, and the drive wasn't too bad. Sophie did AMAZING, as always. At times I forget she is even with me, she is so good. I already miss my husband. I'll be making some money this weekend, though, so it's worth it. Plus I will be able to attend my grandparents' 60th anniversary party on Sunday, which I normally wouldn't have been around for (that sounds really bad, doesn't it? A paycheck will bring me here, but not their anniversary). Plus, it will be nice to see family and friends I haven't seen since my weight loss. That's always fun!

On the infertility front, I've been feeling lately like I really, really need to be patient. A little voice in my head is telling me to calm down, to ride it out, to go with the flow. Just hang in there and live day-to-day. Don't think about how long it may take, and definitely don't dwell on the thought that it may never happen.

I know the lives of the saints weren't all wonderful and easy, but the way many of them lived with just an abundance of pure trust in the Lord, it just seems so relaxing! If you TRULY trust the Lord, then there is no need to worry. They lived their lives one day at a time, thankful for the day God gave them, and happy to do good in his honor. They didn't waste time thinking about what he didn't give them, or what may not happen in the future. And why? Because they knew that God's plan was best. They weren't kind of sure. No, it was a fact. They TRUSTED. Purely and honestly. I don't think I've ever come close.

So how do I do it? I don't know. I could try the old "act like you trust and eventually you will trust" tactic; that's worked for me before. I could continue to pray about it, really pray about it. I could also put forth a full-blown effort to trust, which would mean rejecting all thoughts that would keep me from trusting, like jealousy of pregnant women, feeling sorry for myself, worrying it may never happen, everything. I also think that once you trust 100%, those feelings just go away. If you trust that the Lord's plan for you is best, than why on earth would you feel bad that you haven't gotten pregnant yet?

One thing is for sure - whether it's trust, patience, belief, or whatever, it doesn't come easy. Wanting it is not enough; I have found that we have to meet God half way. We have to put forth an effort, we have to show him we're serious. I don't know if that theory is theologically sound, but it's what I've found to be true from my experience. We also have to really want it. I'm not sure I do. Right now it's just easier to feel pain when I hear someone else is pregnant. It's what I know. I don't know if I'll ever be able to break that habit.

Well, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I don't want to continue on like this (depressed, angry, anxious). I want to change. It's just that I've been trying for almost four years and I haven't had much luck yet, but then again, maybe I haven't really tried.

All over the place

Warning: This post is going to be all over the place (hence the title), which happens to also reflect my current mood. I've got a lot of different things on my mind, so here goes...

First off, I still haven't been feeling well. Nothing I can't handle, but it's just uncomfortable. I'm slightly nauseous all the time. Thankfully it's not full blown nausea. Thank you, God! But... it probably will be once my metformin dose is raised next week. If I'm going to feel sick, then I at least hope it is helping my weight loss.

Speaking of weight loss, I am trying to focus on the good in my life and my weight loss definitely fits into that category (sorry if you're tired of hearing about this! I'm just trying to focus on the positive). I've now lost 19 pounds since the beginning of May, and today I bought my first pair of size 6 pants in years. If someone had told me just a few months ago that by July I'd be able to fit into a size 6 I wouldn't have believed it in a million years! (And let me just say that I'm not "officially" a universal size 6 by any means, but I am when it comes to a certain style of capris in An.n Tay.lor, so that's all that matters!). My life definitely changed at that first appointment with my new doctor. I'm just thankful that I have this to be excited about, because my weight was an issue for me. I hated seeing my reflection, I hated my clothes being tight, I hated seeing pictures of me when I was thinner, I hated trying on clothes at stores and having to admit what size I was. It just added to my infertility depression because I kept postponing weight loss because "soon I'd be pregnant anyways." That, obviously, didn't happen and didn't really make much sense anyways. Well, all of that extra stress is now gone, and any stress I can eliminate can only help my infertility!

As for my cycle, it's day 20 and it's the third day post-peak. I had seven fertile, good-mucus days in a row, so that's good news (since before May I use to have a fews days of mucus, then dry days, then more mucus, then more dry.. you get the picture). Today, I saw a tiny bit of brown mucus twice. Not sure what that means, but don't think I didn't consider implantation bleeding! I'm sure it's not, but you've gotta love those little things that keep hope alive and then lead to more disappointment! As for my temp, it spiked a little on Sunday to 98.0, but since I woke up three hours earlier than normal, I'm hoping that had I slept until my normal time that it would have spiked considerably. I woke up two hours early on Monday and that day it was up to 98.2, while today I woke up at my normal time and it was at 98.5.

Meanwhile, I'm still sad and have been crying unexpectedly lately. Hopefully my trip up north will help to get my mind off of things for a few days.

Speaking of that, I leave tomorrow morning for New York. I'm driving by myself and not exactly looking forward to the ride. But I've got some books on CD and Sophie will be with me, so hopefully it will go by fast. I'll still be posting and reading blogs while I'm there, so you won't even notice I'm gone!

One more thing... My wonderful husband helped to get me out of one of my crying spells today by going for a scenic walk. Isn't he nice? Here are some shots from it:

The water park and depression (not at the same time)

I am exhausted. We went to the water park today and it was a lot of fun, except I got sick in the wave pool. Well, I didn't actually throw up in the wave pool, that would have been gross, but I felt very sick from all the waves and bobbing up and down, and had to get the heck outta there. And I totally didn't expect it at all. At first, though, I was out there without a life jacket on and I couldn't believe how hard it was! I was treading water trying to stay afloat as the waves were crashing into me, I was swallowing water and I was getting so tired! Oh my goodness. I later joked with my husband that my arms were so tired that I was very close to just giving up and going under. He's like, imagine me having to tell everyone my wife lost her will to live in the wave pool! Of course I was totally kidding, but I do now know that if I was somehow stranded in the middle of the ocean I wouldn't survive. I don't nearly have enough strength and/or stamina. This didn't really come as a surprise to me, but now it's confirmed.

In other news, I've been kinda depressed lately. This past weekend was bad. I don't know what else to say about it, other than I felt like crying a lot and was just really down. Church was hard. Basically anywhere women and children were was hard, and that's basically everywhere. I don't know if it will ever get any easier, but I just have to hold onto the hope that it will. Right now I'm not interested in adoption and I think that's making it even harder because that means if I can't get pregnant I will never have kids. But at the same time, I hate the idea of adoption being "Plan B" anyways. It deserves better than that.

As for why I'm not into adoption right now, I'm not sure. It's several reasons, I guess. I just don't feel led to it at all at the moment. (And let me also just say that if I give any of my reasons, please know that this isn't an indictment on others who have adopted. They are just things that have come up as I struggle with whether to adopt and definitely not things I think about other adoptive families, just when it comes to my husband and I. I'm trying to sort it all out.) That being said, I also sometimes feel like if I adopt, it will be for selfish reasons and not because it's best for the baby. Is that weird? If I don't adopt, it's not like the baby we would have gotten will be without a family. I guess the only way to avoid that would be to adopt an older child in foster care or in an orphanage through international adoption. But that doesn't seem right for us either. I'm also worried that my adopted child will grow up to have an identity crisis and resent me. I know, that's thinking way ahead. I don't know! I'm so confused! The bottom line is I don't feel like it's an option for us at the moment and that is making not getting pregnant even harder.

Ugh! I'm so frustrated, and I'm scared that this medication isn't going to work. REALLY scared. I know I need to relax. I need to be patient. I need to trust God. It's just so much easier said than done.

Alright I'm SUPER tired so I'm rambling. My brain is fried from all the sun and water.

The real victim of my infertility...

Because I have too much time on my hands and no little babies to do this for, my dog has to suffer this:



I made this dress for Sophie today (and she actually LOVES dressing up). If you are among those who have an aversion to dogs wearing clothes, forget this ever happened. I will say I never take her out of the house like this (except tonight when I drove her to see my husband at work). That makes it a little better, right?

So if you don't like cutesy dog stuff but were able to look past me sewing Sophie a dress (remember, I blame it on infertility), then maybe you shouldn't continue reading. Seriously. Keep any amount of respect you still have for me and don't read on.

Okay, if you're still here, let me just say that I blame what you are about to see on several factors: 1)The material was 60% off, 2) I had tons left after making Sophie's dress, and 3) it only took 15 minutes.

Okay, look at your own risk (don't say I didn't warn you).
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Please don't think less of me and I promise I'm not going to enter some mother/daughter dog photo contest or anything. I swear!

CD 17

So yesterday I had some more pretty bad pains on my left side. Always my left side. I was even too dizzy and out of it to go on our daily walk. I felt better as the day went on, though. I had more peak-type mucus, and this morning my temp went up slightly, but not a huge spike. My mood is weird, changing constantly. One minute I'm crying, feel depressed and sorry for myself and the next I am furiously cleaning. That's not like me (the cleaning part, at least).

Oh, and I finished my adoption reference letter I had to write for friends last night at 2:30 a.m. I just felt like doing it right then.

Right now I'm in a boring mood, so I will end this post. Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to say later.

Still feeling out of it

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers. We are still hoping for a miracle. And God is good, so hopefully good can come from every negative situation.

***

So it's been about five days now that I've been feeling really out of it (sorry, can I complain any more about this?). I'm definitely blaming the met at this point, but it's just not what I expected. I was afraid of feeling nauseous, or having some kind of g.i. upset. Instead, I feel faint and shaky, have abdominal pains, and while I don't have a stomach ache, little food is appetizing to me. I also had muscle cramps in my leg and arm yesterday.

I will gladly go through this - or much worse - for a pregnancy. I'm not complaining about it as much as I am just wondering what it is.

So here's my little self-diagnosis for today: Due to a slight aversion to food lately, coupled with not having a lot of groceries in the house, I am eating far less than normal. This has perhaps led to my blood sugar being too low, hence the shaky feeling, and possible even the muscle cramps (that can happen when you're not eating enough, right?). I am also probably not drinking enough water, which can also add to the symptoms. Anyway, this could be very wrong, medically speaking, but I don't have any better ideas. Unless, maybe these are just normal side effects of the met. Anyway, I'll try to eat more throughout the day today (not a statement I have probably ever typed) to see if it helps, but right now we just finished our daily walk and I don't have enough energy to get up and get food. (And as a side-note, in typical "me" fashion, I momentarily thought I had a potential fatal side-effect of met. It wasn't completely out of the blue, because symptoms include sore muscles, abdominal pain and lightheadedness. Okay, as I type that I am still wondering if I do have it! My mother, though, told me it sounds like I have medical student syndrome. I prefer to call it heavily-medicated-and-nearly-four-years-in infertility patient syndrome.)

I am also having good mucus and today will hopefully be the fifth fertile day so far. My temp is still down, and actually dropped a little more today so hopefully it's getting ready for a nice, big spike. I am also down another couple pounds, to 18 pounds total. My husband is still going strong, too, and today he made the cutest observation. As he was getting ready for work he commented about how great it is that his pants are never tight anymore and that "this is totally worth not eating potato chips." That is huge for my husband! He LOVES himself some potato chips.

In a completely unrelated topic, here's my moral question for the day: Is it wrong to not answer the door when someone knocks on it? A group of people were just going door to door probably selling something and when they got to mine, I acted like I wasn't here. And then another person in the group knocked five minutes later, and, again, I pretended like I wasn't here. Part of me feels like this is sinful, that I am lying. The main reason I did it is because I feel like I'm always hearing stories on the news about people knocking on doors and then forcing themselves into the house and robbing the person. I am home alone and I just don't feel comfortable answering the door. But is that a good enough reason? Do I need to confess it? On one hand, you could say it's no different than letting a call go to your voicemail, right?

Alright, that's it for now. I'm off to write a reference letter for a friend's adoption. They're adopting a baby from Ethiopia, which is something I'd totally be interested in if it didn't involve flying to Ethiopia. My husband, meanwhile, thinks that's a reason to do it.

Urgent prayer request

Please pray tonight for a special intention. I cannot go into detail at this time, but I can just say that friends of ours desperately need your prayers tonight. Basically, they are in need of a miracle. If you have some time, please, please, please pray for this special request.

O St. Joseph, thou whose power extends over all our needs, who knows how to make possible for us the most impossible things, open thy Fatherly eyes to thy Children's interests.

Movie update

How is it that my pets sleep all day long and all night, too? I was in our backyard for a little while this afternoon and Sophie was bothered to have to be out there with me. I was clearly disrupting her all-day nap. (And this shot will be her last with the current long-hair look she's sporting. She getting groomed tomorrow, but don't tell her that).

While they sleep, I've been hard at work on my movie. We've scheduled the premiere for August 12 in Uti.ca, New York, which is where the movie is set. And we're SO excited that it's going to be held here. It's a really classy art museum that has a theater, which we are renting for a very reasonable price. It probably didn't hurt that the woman we needed to contact recognized my husband's name and must have liked him when he was on t.v. there (have I mentioned that basically NO ONE remembers me from the news there but he is like the biggest deal. And we were co-anchors!). I don't think any of my fellow bloggers are from that area, but if you are, let me know if you want to come to the showing. It's free, but there are a limited number of seats so we're taking reservations.

We also met with a company that will be making our DVDs. So now I'm working on the artwork for the jacket and although I have designed brochures, newsletters and websites in the past, I am by no means a graphic artist by trade (anyone understand DPI?). I was trying to use screen shots from the movie today, but I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and "re-create" some of the images with a still camera next week. I'll be able to do that because I'm going back to NY next Wednesday (driving all by myself, mind you) to do some freelance t.v. work, so not only will I be able to get the shots, but I'll also be able to visit my family (and make some money!).

In other exciting documentary-related news today - my movie website is listed on daniellebean.com. I am pumped!

Still confused

I'm still not feeling 100%, and I just can't figure out if it's due to the metformin or ovulation. Here are my symptoms: tired (not that that's new), stomach is a little off (not enough to be nauseous and I can still eat, but it's just off), I'm a little bloated, and I have pain on my left side. It sounds like ovulation when I type it out, but when it's happening I tend to blame it on the met. One odd thing, though, is that I had pain on the left side last month too. I know you can ovulate on the same side two months in a row (right?), but how normal is that? I guess I'm just worried that it's a cyst or something.

Meanwhile, something has been permeating my thoughts lately (and, from past experience, when that happens, it's usually God trying to send me a message): I need to stop stressing over the details. I need to stop worrying if there's a cyst on my left ovary. If I'm ovulating. What my estrogen is doing. If and when the met will work. I'm not saying I want to stop thinking about those things; while it would be kind of relaxing not to, it does give me a sense of control over my problem, even if that so-called control is all in my head. But, that is the exact reason I need to stop thinking about those details - the truth is I have no control over them, and by acting like I do, I am lying to myself and God. I need to focus what I do have control over - taking my medication, trying to live stress-free, eating right, losing weight, charting, and making use of my fertile days.

Okay, that being said...

Do you think this recent pain is due to ovulation or the met? (I'll turn over my new leaf tomorrow!)