Sorting things out

I have a problem with my mind being very unorganized. It's like if I don't stop and think things through, then all my negative thoughts are just floating around in my head, making me go nuts.

For example, I've been very stressed about infertility lately, specifically that things are moving slowly, that we seem to be back to square one after getting rid of the endometriosis, that I'm not ovulating, and that I'll never have children. So I decided that enough was enough, and I needed to organize my thoughts and deal with this. So this is what I came up with...

1) I decided to forget about endometriosis. It's gone (hopefully for good) and it obviously wasn't our only hurdle. I need to remove it from my mind and move on.

2) I'm not ovulating. If I find out this theory is incorrect, then wonderful. But right now all evidence suggests that I don't ovulate and maybe haven't in quite some time.

3) There are treatments to help me ovulate. There are worse problems to have, and from everything I've read, there are several reasons I may not be ovulating and there are also several treatments to attempt to get me to ovulate. My high prolactin levels could be causing me to not ovulate and if that is the sole problem, then I could begin ovulating in the next couple months (when the medication starts to work).

This may all seem very obvious, but because of the way my mind works, I really needed to sort it out. I work better when there are just one or two problems to focus on. Lately it has seemed like the cause of my infertility is just so up in the air and that made me feel very out of control, causing me to become stressed.

So here's another list.. This is what I am going to be doing to be pro-active about my infertility in the next couple months:

1) I am taking medication for my high prolactin.
2) I am learning how to chart excess mucus so I can get a peak+7 blood draw this month.
3) I WILL get a peak+7 blood draw this month.
4) I will get an ultrasound series in May.

Those are all good things that will give us very helpful information. I feel better already! And if I want to be hopeful, then I can think about the fact that there's a chance that my high prolactin level may be my only problem, and once my medication lowers my prolactin, that I could get pregnant. You never know! Yes, there may be more going on there, but high prolactin definitely causes women not to ovulate (at least according to the trusty internet).

PPVI called me back on Friday (as I'm showering of course, and I took the call since it probably would have been Monday before they called me back again) and said the spotting was likely due to low progesterone. The nurse said it is possible to have such a problem during one cycle and not the next (which I wanted to know since I've never had that happen before). She also said that before I can get a hormone series done, that I need to do the peak+7 draw. Oh.. and my pregnancy test was negative. Shocker.

I've also been in a lot of pain since this cycle began, which has never really happened before (endometriosis pain use to be the day before my period, not once it began). I was in so much pain at the grocery store the other day that I had to stop and rest. I'm going on the assumption that it is due to my surgery and perhaps things are still healing, but it's really getting on my nerves.

It's a good day today because it's opening day for the New York Mets! Woo hoo! It's also a good day because I worked on my documentary, which I had been putting off a little bit. And, for whatever reason (probably hormones), I feel a little more hopeful today. Well, maybe not hopeful but just relaxed about infertility. I've also been warming up to the idea of adoption a little. We'll see.

To start or not to start

Last night there was an adoption orientation meeting at the agency that we are most likely going to use. They hold them once a month on Thursday nights, but since my husband works nights we'll never be able to attend it together. I've been to meetings like this alone before, but I just really wanted him to be there. So today he emailed to see if we could come in during the day and they immediately responded that we can come next Thursday. We were excited and glad they responded so quickly.

Then... tonight I decided to check an email account that we rarely use. We actually set it up as a joke, because we saw that so many couples had joint emails that combined their names (no offense if you do, it's just that we each separately have so many accounts that it was funny to think that we'd have just one together). So apparently (and for some unknown reason) we put that email on our adoption application to Catholic Charities (the agency that friends of ours have been on the waiting list at for a year and a half), because there was an email from them in the inbox. It said they were starting the homestudy process for couples open to adopting an african american or bi-racial baby, and since we had put on our application that we were interested in that, they wanted to know if we would like to start the homestudy process. And the date of the email?? FEBRUARY 13th!

I emailed them back, even though we aren't completely sure they're the agency we want to use, asking if it was too late. I just keep wondering, what does this mean? Were we not supposed to see that email when it was first mailed? And if so, is that because we're not supposed to use them? Is our child waiting for us with the other agency? Then I wonder, maybe I'm looking too far into this. I'm just so stuck on the idea that God has a plan for us, and I know He does, but am I too hyper-focused on it when it comes to adoption?

So we'll wait to hear back from Catholic Charities, and we'll look forward to meeting with the other on Thursday. I'm still not sure about all of this, but I just want children so badly. Is that wrong? Is there a point at which I'll know I'm officially ready to adopt, and perhaps I'm not there yet? It's not like we haven't thought about it a lot. I've wanted to adopt since I was a child. And since all this started with infertility, we've attended four adoption seminars, seriously considered a fifth program, and that doesn't even count the two agencies here in Virginia. But instead of showing how much thought we've given it, perhaps the fact that we've looked into so many agencies shows we're not sure about it. Even as I write this, I don't feel like adoption is really ahead of us, but then again, that is probably a normal feeling even if it is meant to be. I just believe that God knows who our first child will be, and I don't want to do anything that is not part of His plan. I don't know. My heart tells me to attend the meeting next Thursday, and to keep praying about it. I just pray that God shows me what to do.

Reflections on Lent

I apologize that for the last week or so my posts have been consumed with detailed information about my cycle (not that people normally come here to read insightful, thought-provoking posts or anything). The end of Lent passed by, Easter came and went, and all I could think about was spotting.

On Easter Sundays past, I typically indulged in whatever food item I gave up for Lent (usually chocolate). This year, though, Easter didn't mark the end of a fast because I gave up impatience or, you could say, I worked on having patience. I'm not sure how I did and, actually, I should re-read some of my Lenten posts to see if they sound impatient. When Lent first began I looked up the definition of patience, just to be sure what I was attempting. I guess in the past I had thought of patience more as something to do purely with time. I thought maybe I would simply have to find a way to not focus on the future so much. To my surprise, the definition actually said something to the effect of "to suffer without complaint" or "to bear trials calmly." How fitting! That was exactly what I was in need of. And what could be more Christ-like than suffering without complaint? Christ was patient. He was patient in the garden of Gethsemane, he was patient while he carried the cross, he was patient as he was crucified. I hadn't really thought about patience in this way before, as something to imitate from Christ (and, to be honest, I didn't think of it until Lent was already over).

Patience is perhaps what I need more than anything else during this difficult journey through infertility. I complain a lot. I cry out in anger to God almost every day. I do not bear my suffering well, to say the least. I would absolutely love to reach a point where I can accept my suffering (because as long as I am infertile I think I will be suffering on some level) and keep it neatly wrapped up inside. I don't mean that I want to internalize it and blow up someday, but I think there's something to be said for not complaining and bearing that trial calmly. I need to suffer like Christ suffered, and be patient like he was patient. I can have a dialogue with God about it, but I should not be angry with Him. Christ prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” He didn't add on "... as long as what you will is for this cup to pass from me!"

Infertility is cruel. We all suffer and it's hard to suffer without complaining (we are human, after all). So how do I have patience? I'm still not quite sure. I guess when it comes to a practical application I just need to pray each time I feel like complaining. That's the only way I can try to do this. I need to try to imagine Christ and how he suffered, and model my actions after his. So simple, yet so difficult!

New cycle

Well the long saga is over - I finally started a new cycle today. And let me just say that my body apparently wanted me to make no mistake about it this time.

I still haven't gotten the results from PPVI yet, even though it is a mute point now. I guess they still need to call me back, though, for my instructions for this cycle. They kind of talked to me about that the other day, but they still wanted to rule out pregnancy at that point. They'll probably say just to continue on the same way and to get the u/s, which I will definitely have to put off until May due to our upcoming vacation.

I guess I'm okay with this today, probably because it has been so drawn out this past week and I knew it was coming. Right now all I can think about is that I just really want to find out what's wrong. And I'm just so nervous that I'll end up being diagnosed with LUF and there will be nothing we can do about it. I wish I ovulated!! Please God, let me ovulate!

No results today

I STILL haven't gotten my test result from PPVI yet. So this keeps dragging out. I need to be put out of my misery and begin to focus on a new cycle!

But my heart stopped for a moment this morning when I got a call from the local lab I used yesterday. The woman told me I needed to come in and get a second blood draw. Well, the only reason PPVI needed a second vial of blood was if the pregnancy test was positive, so they could do more testing. The two vials were supposed to be drawn at the same time, but the lab technician didn't realize this. So in my mind I immediately came up with this scenario: they called or faxed PPVI with the results this morning (or PPVI received the fax this morning since they were closed yesterday), it was positive, PPVI asked for the second vial, and that's when they realized they never got it. In my mind I'm thinking if the lab was going to realize on their own that they forgot, then they would have realized yesterday. Well, that wasn't the case. I called the lab back (just trying to see if they knew the results of the initial test) and they said they hadn't even run the first test yet! Ugh! So I told them the only reason PPVI needed two vials was because the nurse didn't want me to have to go back in and get pricked again, so this was defeating the purpose and I'd come back if the first test is positive. But for about five minutes I really thought there was a chance. (Sorry, that was probably a boring story with too much detail.)

So now I'm on day 33, still no new cycle, still no PMS symptoms, no spotting today, and some cramping.

It was a bad day today, though, because I had to get four fillings. I was a wreck, shaking uncontrollably the entire time, and I even had tears running down my face as the dentist was drilling. The poor hygienest had to wipe my eyes. It was embarrassing. I didn't feel any pain, thank God! And the good news is they x-rayed the recently filled tooth that is giving me pain and nothing showed up, so the dentist thinks the pain will go away (phew! I was NOT going to take having to get a root canal very well). I started to have major pain when the novacaine began to wear off this afternoon, so I've been taking motrin all day and it's been rough. I slept a couple hours just so I didn't have to be awake and be in pain.

Hopefully I'll have definitive news tomorrow. I really want to know what this spotting and cramping may mean, so hopefully I'll get up the nerve to ask the nurse.

CD 32

Well I just took a home pregnancy test (at 8:30 p.m.) and it was negative. I know you're supposed to test in the morning, but once I bought it I just didn't feel like waiting. The test said you can test any time of day once you have missed your period, but I'm not sure that I have (how does someone with irregular cycles know if they've missed their period?). It's been 13 days since my positive OPK, but far less days since my last peak-type mucus day. I had my blood drawn this morning so PPVI will call me with the official results tomorrow. I just wanted to know ahead of getting that call. I'd rather see it myself than hear it from another human being. I might take another in the morning, just for fun (or to torture myself, I guess).

Whatever this is, it's making me feel like crap. I had more cramping today, low in the middle as well as on my left side. And I probably should mention I haven't gotten my period (or was that implied?) and haven't had spotting today. I also haven't had any PMS symptoms. For example, my breasts are always sore and they're not. So is my period not even close yet? And do these symptoms mean low progesterone? That's what PPVI will say. Can low progesterone cycles come and go? Or is this a new problem now for me?

I have to admit that thinking there was a possibility I was pregnant was fun while it lasted. And I don't feel let down, because I never really let myself think it was real. It was just hard not to think there was a chance when it's everyone's first thought when I tell them my symptoms (my Creighton teacher had the same reaction today). The funny part is that even though I spent the last five days in this state of possibly being pregnant and thinking about how maybe my body does work, there's no such thing as "almost pregnant." It's not like we magically found out through some kind of ultrasound that the egg was nearly fertilized but at the last minute it didn't take. No. I was just as not-pregnant this month as any month before. I probably didn't even ovulate. But, as I said, it was fun to pretend.

News from PPVI

Well the nurse from PPVI called back this evening and said Dr. Hilgers does want me to get a pregnancy blood test, so I will have that done in the morning. Not that it matters, but I won't know the results until Wednesday because they are closed tomorrow for the Feast of the Annunciation. I had more spotting this afternoon so I'm 99.9% sure I'm not pregnant. Actually I'm 200% sure I'm not pregnant now that I think about it (I even had an ice cream sundae today to "celebrate" my non-pregnancy). I'm physically incapable of becoming pregnant. I don't even release eggs.

Speaking of eggs, the good news is that Dr. Hilgers would like me to have an ultrasound series done (I guess it pays to ask!). The bad news is I don't think I can do it this month because we're supposed to go on vacation with my family right around the time I will likely be having an "ovulatory event." And since I have to drive six hours to New Jersey to have the series done, it's a big ordeal. That's fine though, I'll just do it in May. The only thing that will be disappointing about it is it will be a wasted month because my husband won't be able to go with me since he will be working. I guess it has to be done though. Luckily I have relatives that live about 30 minutes from the doctor, so hopefully I can stay with them. I just hope that we can time it right and that I can get there right before the follicle is set to release (not that it will release, but you know what I mean), otherwise who knows how long I'll have to be there. I really don't want to go by myself and leave my husband, but I just have to remember that it's for the greater good.

The other good news is they found the sheet with my temps on it! Yay!

Okay, I have to go watch Britney on HIMYM.

CD 31

I decided not to take the pregnancy test because I had some brown spotting this morning, which is much more like what happens before I get my period. About the same time as I discovered that, PPVI called back. The nurse said Dr. Hilgers will likely have me get a pregnancy blood test. But if that is ruled out, then it likely means I had an anovulatory cycle - too much mucus and spotting due to low progesterone. That's great but I have no idea if I have low progesterone because I haven't had it tested since last April and it was normal then. I want to get blood work so bad! And so much for spotting meaning that at least something new was happening. It probably just means that I'm not ovulating, just like I never ovulate. Oh - and they never got my temperature charting that we mailed to them a couple weeks ago with a million temperatures on it taken on a million days, and of course we didn't make a copy. So that will need to be done over.

So now I have to call my Creighton teacher and she has to teach me how to distinguish peak-type mucus days from the extra peak type mucus days (the ones you'd chart in yellow). The best news is that the nurse said this could take a couple cycles to learn, so I can't have any blood drawn until then. I just knew it. I knew after my surgery that something would happen to prevent me from moving forward and finding out what's wrong. I knew I wouldn't get blood work like I was supposed to. And look what happens. Just simple blood work?! The first month I can't find a lab in all of Virginia to take it, and now I have too much mucus? What will it be next time?!

It's just hard because I just want to know what is wrong, and it seems like I'm stuck in slow motion. Okay, I have to calm down! This is happening in God's time, and right now God thinks it should be moving this slowly. I came across a quote from C.S. Lewis (I saw it on Danielle Bean) that sums up exactly what is at the heart of my problem:

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. -- C.S. Lewis

Now I'll just wait for PPVI to call back.

And still waiting

Happy Easter! In honor of Easter, here's a picture of Sophie with her Easter dress on. I am not wearing my Easter dress, in case you didn't notice.

So a little news to report, but nothing definitive. I refuse to take a pregnancy test, so that hasn't been confirmed either way. But... about 45 minutes ago I got more red/pink spotting, or should I say "spot" because, again, it was just a little drop. I also had mucus with it (stretchy, like over an inch, and some was cloudy, but some was clear). I am also still having light cramping. Sometimes it is on my left side and sometimes it is in the middle, but low. Other miscellaneous information: it's cd 30.. I had weird leg sensations early last week that woke me up in the night (they are now gone and sometimes happens when I'm getting my period but not this bad).. I don't usually have clear/cloudy mucus before my period... also, my breasts are not sore (important because I know this can be an early pregnancy symptom and for me soreness is a sign I'm getting my period).

I'm trying not to think I am pregnant because I hate to overreact and chances are I am not. I spent many a cycle at the beginning of this journey thinking I was pregnant (with a 40-50 day cycle and thinking that I am a normal, fertile woman, why wouldn't I have thought that?). I am having some fillings done on Wednesday and while I'm not even sure if novacaine is banned during pregnancy, I figured I'd take a test that morning (if, of course, I don't have my period, and if I don't chicken out).

I will just say that no matter what, what is happening this month is brand new. I know I've said this in other posts, but it is worth repeating - I've never, ever had red spotting and I've never, ever had spotting followed by two and a half days of no spotting. I often have brown spotting, but it usually lasts for one to two days and is immediately followed by my period. There is a never a break between them. So I'm not sure what is happening. The only new thing this time is my medication, but I can't find any side effects like these listed.

My husband is so sweet and already wants to plan something fun to do if and when I get my period, so I'm thinking a manicure and pedicure! I will update this when my new cycle begins... (how's that for optimism?)

Fun with new symptoms

So this new symptom (a drop of blood on day 27) has got me so crazy I am actually googling "implantation bleeding." That is craziness! I have to admit it's not the first time I've looked that up, but this is the first time I've actually seen blood (and I should point out that despite checking every twenty minutes, I still haven't gotten my period as of 3 p.m. today). So against my better judgment, I studied up on it once again and to my surprise I kind of fit the bill. Very light spotting? Check. Some cramping? Check. Six to 12 days post ovulation? Check.. oh wait. It was eight days past when I personally feel like I ovulated (ha! I think I ovulated? That's being optimistic) but only three days past when my chart says I ovulated. So.. you have to suspend a lot of belief to think this could possibly be implantation bleeding. You'd have to somehow look past the peak-type mucus I had on day 24. You'd have to ignore the peak-type mucus and positive OPK I had on day 22. And you'd have to believe I ovulated somewhere in the middle of all my mucus days. Actually, if you follow the 6-12 day rule (I use "rule" loosely..I got that information online), then I could hope to have ovulated anywhere from day 16 to 21 (all peak-type mucus days) for this to have been implantation. (Let me pause here to say that I do not, I repeat, do not think I am pregnant. I would be very lucky to have ovulated. It's just fun to obsess over something new).

So what have I concluded? That this spotting is a brand new symptom that could mean something. It could mean something good (I'm pregnant, or I ovulated [although last I checked, spotting isn't a sign of ovulation], or my hormones are trying to correct themselves) or it could mean something bad (I didn't ovulate, my hormones are even screwier than before, or something new is wrong). I actually really feel excited that something new is going on, whatever it is.

I should also mention that before I took the huge step of searching for "implantation bleeding," I contemplated whether or not this action would be risky, whether it would get me too excited. But after doing it I truly feel okay. I am not going to find out I'm pregnant. I know that. I will get my period a few days from now, and that will be fine. I just have a very positive outlook for some reason.

I've posted before about my conversion back to Catholicism a few years ago (I never left, I just needed some re-awakening). One of the final parts of that process was when a Sister of St. Joseph advised me to give up my unbelief on Easter Sunday. To just ask God on that morning to take it all away. Well, it worked, not immediately that day, but a couple months later I suddenly realized I had been believing for a while and hadn't thought twice about it. So I'm going to try that again tomorrow. I'll ask God to take away my constant worry, anxiety, and depression having to do with infertility. I want to feel a peace with it and I know He wants that for me too. I'm convinced that if I do my part and truly turn it over to Him, then He will answer my prayer and take my anxiety away. I will pray for all of you too!

By the way, I just wanted to add something that happened to me last week. I'm not superstitious but this is just for fun... I was baking banana bread and when I cracked an egg, it had a double yolk. A couple days later I decided to look up the meaning online, and sure enough, many people believe it's a sign of an impending pregnancy! I was excited, until I read that many other people believe it means death. Oh great! Good thing I don't believe in things like this!

Good Friday

Friday night and still no more spotting or anything more than that, for that matter. So I have no idea what is going on because this is highly unusual for me. I always have spotting at the beginning of a cycle (I think I've read that happens with endometriosis?) but my period usually follows immediately. I've never spotted then had nothing for 24 hours.

I'm wondering if maybe spotting during the luteal phase is a side effect of parlodel, which I started taking a couple weeks ago. I haven't found anything that says this yet though. Maybe the medication is also to blame for the cramps I've had this week. I hadn't thought of that. If not, though, I'm just so curious what is going on.

I'm also very anxious tonight because the tooth I had filled last month is aching. It only happens when I use it to chew and it's been hurting like that for five days now. The first day I thought it was a fluke, but tonight I officially started freaking out. I'm convinced I'll need it refilled (best case scenario) or have a root canal (worst case scenario). Either of those possibilities causes me to lose it. When I was crying to my mom tonight she even asked if something else was wrong, implying I couldn't possibly be this upset about the dentist. Oh no, I am. I know it might not be rational, but it's a phobia. But seriously, does this have to happen to me? I'm scared to death of the dentist.. I go and get my filling and am so proud of myself.. and then I have to have it done over? I can't catch a break. See, I'm still freaking out. Maybe it's nothing. Please God, let it feel better tomorrow!

So I went to Good Friday Mass today at three p.m. and was having a horrible time paying attention. It seemed like everything was taking for ever, every chant seemed to last for hours, and I just wanted it all to be over. I felt horrible about this but it seemed like I couldn't help it. I think I'm having some sort of spiritual crisis because this has been happening in Mass for a few weeks now. I'm constantly thinking about how far along the Mass is and I feel a sense of relief when I know we're more than half way through (not something I'm proud of). I mean, on a certain level I completely understand what Christ did for us, and yet I can't give Him my attention for two hours on Good Friday? He suffered on the cross, but standing and listening to St. John's passion sung is more than I can handle? Seriously? So I knew I had to go to confession after Mass, for this and many other reasons. So I did. I always leave confession feeling great, happy to have a clean slate and hoping to preserve that clean slate for as long as possible. Well, tonight, while crying to my husband about my tooth issue, I suddenly sobbed "why does this **** always happen to me?" Now, let me just say I don't swear. I use to, but stopped a few years ago. Now I reserve it for really special occasions, like when I want my husband to know I'm really mad. But in a situation like this? Right after confession? And using that word? (my usual word of choice is a little harsher). That's how I went down? Surprised to hear it come out of my mouth, I immediately sobbed, "I didn't mean to say that!" So the crystal clean slate has been muddied. I'm back to the familiar world of sinners. It's always nice while it lasts!

Just waiting...

Well I called PPVI and the woman who answered the phone said I won't get a call back until Monday. Okay, so I just have to work on not obsessing about this until then. Most of all I am curious whether this means I can't get my blood drawn. If my cycle hasn't begun, then the day for my blood draw is Monday.

So far I haven't officially gotten my period. And the spotting last night was red, which I've never had before (I usually have a day or so of brown spotting). Does that mean something? Anways, today there is no sign of anything. I think there's a rule in charting that if you have spotting, then no spotting for x number of days, then it's still part of your previous cycle, not a new one. That might be what ends up happening with me. Then again, I might get my period an hour from now. Who knows! I just am so curious what is going on. Do I have a luteal phase defect? Are my follicles not rupturing? Do I have too much mucus? Ahhhh!

I'll update later...

That time again

Well it's that time of the month again. I had some spotting tonight, on only the third day post peak. So I'll call PPVI tomorrow for my monthly review. My first question will be does this mean I can't get a blood draw this month? I wonder what they do about that. Do I have it drawn on day four of this cycle? In one respect that will be seven days post peak. I don't know. I hope I didn't miss another chance for bloodwork. If that's the case then it's apparent that God really wants me to learn patience.

Because I thought I had at least a week to a-week-and-a-half until CD1, I hadn't started to compile all of my questions yet for PPVI. So I need to do that tonight. I'll definitely ask about my short luteal phase (which I assume they'll address anyways), if I can still have blood drawn, when I'll get a whole hormone work-up like I did a year ago (so I can see if my prolactin and testosterone levels are still high), if I can get an ultrasound series done again (like I had last July in New Jersey), whether I have too much mucus and what can be done about that, and what all of this means in the big picture. I usually chicken out when it comes to asking questions, because I don't want to seem annoying. But this is over the phone so maybe it will be easier.

I also had a fair amount of pain this week leading up to my period. At least a few times it was pretty bad, but for just a second or two. I know lots of people have pain, so maybe this is normal. But I thought my pain was supposed to stop now. Maybe I'm still healing.

I have never had long luteal phases, but they usually hovered around 10-13 days. Since my surgery, though, two of the three cycles have had only three post-peak days. I just hope by this happening it can point PPVI in the right direction, like these symptoms are revealing themselves so we can get to the bottom of this. I just want to know what's wrong.

Feeling sad *updated

Just when I'm all proud of myself for handling this well, sadness hits me. It's like the devil wants to get to me the most when I'm up! It just struck me today how much my mom is missing out on, not having any grandkids. I'm the only one of my siblings who is married and I'm the one who should have had two kids by now. So she's mid-50's with no grandchildren. I swear it wasn't an excuse to feel sorry for myself (since I'm trying to work on that). It just makes me think about the guilt associated with infertility. I know my mom doesn't think it's my fault. That's ludicrous. But I still have guilt over letting down my parents and, of course, my husband. If it wasn't for me, he'd have a normal life with children. He says he doesn't care, but if I were him I can't say I wouldn't still be depressed. So it's better me than him, I guess.

I'm really focusing lately on asking God to place adoption on my heart if that is what he wants us to do. I decided to attend an adoption seminar coming up at the agency we'd probably go through (since the Catholic Charities we already applied to looks like it's a three-year+ wait.) But since my husband works night, he wouldn't be able to go. So now I'm wondering is that a sign, or am I just looking too much into it and I should just go alone? This might sound silly, but I've always thought if we were to adopt it would have to just "happen." Like we'd get a call from a friend who has a friend who is pregnant and wants to give up the baby. I know things like that rarely happen, and probably won't happen to us because it's not like we've put our name out there or anything. The closest we came was when our Creighton educator told us she had a relative whose teen daughter was expecting and might give the baby up and so she told them about us. Obviously nothing more happened, but I'm pretty sure that's what got me thinking this. Plus, it would just seem much more like it was "from God" if it happened this way. I know that going through an agency can also be of God, but this is just the weird way I've been thinking. I think it also means that deep down I'm not convinced we should adopt. It's like I wouldn't trust my own instincts to go about it the traditional way, but if a baby was dropped on our doorstep, well then it's mean to be...

So I'm kind of in limbo with the idea of adoption. I just want to be sure. I also am not sure I can handle the stress of the adoption process and continuing the stressful journey of uncovering my medical problems. I use to think adoption would give me something new to focus on and would stop me from obsessing over the treatments possibly not working, but now I'm not so sure. But I also think about how I want to be a parent no matter what and by God not putting adoption on my heart, well, that's doubly unfair! Why would He want us to be completely childless?? Ahhh! I need to hear an actual voice of God telling me what to do!!! If only He worked like that.

Update: Okay, so I hadn't even prayed about this yet, but I got an answer to prayer already! Not about adoption, but about my mom. A couple hours after I posted this, she called because she was excited about an article that is in the current issue of Newsweek about infertility. It's about faith and infertility, and it even states the Catholic Church's stance on IVF (they say it's "forbidden") and talks about PPVI. They even have an interview with a Catholic woman who says exactly what I and many other Catholic women have experienced - the pressure from secular doctors to do IVF and the attitude from people that if you don't do IVF then "you must not want a child that badly." The author, surprisingly, doesn't act like we Catholics are nuts. The way PPVI is presented is great and the woman they interview is a success story. (The article can be found here.) The whole point of it is whether having faith can play a role in conceiving. Here's a segment:

Conventional fertility clinics may be dismissive of the Nebraska institute's approach, but one thing appears to be true: a religious or spiritual mind-set may help infertile women. In a study of nearly 200 women published in 2005, psychologist Alice Domar and her colleagues found a high correlation between women who said they were religious and those with low rates of anxiety and depression during fertility treatment. Here, then, is the million-dollar question: does being religious actually help infertile women get pregnant? Domar says it's possible. If religious women have less depression and anxiety, and lower rates of depression and anxiety correlate to higher pregnancy rates, "it stands to reason that religious and spiritual women should have higher pregnancy rates."

I think I really needed to hear this right now. And I'm almost there. Plus, my mom also told me a story about a co-worker who had tried for eight years and finally got pregnant recently. She hadn't done anything in particular, except she had lost ten pounds and, perhaps most importantly, she had just stopped stressing about it. I'm not saying this can happen in a "just relax" sort of way, and for many women de-stressing may have no affect. But for me it might help because Dr. Hilgers told me himself that my hormone levels are high due to stress. I am unusually stressed and high anxiety, just by nature. I really have to work to relax normally, so add infertility to my life and I go nuts. So I do feel that I am almost relaxed about this, and it could help a lot. I should also point out that while giving it over to God reduces our stress, which in turn may help our hormones to become more regular, resulting in pregnancy... I believe that turning it over to God also helps because He is real, and it's not just some psychological thing.

Most importantly, though, is that my mom called to tell me about this. I think that's a sign from God that I don't have to feel bad about letting her and others down.

My messed up cycle

I have a cold and sore throat again today. I also have lower abdominal cramping. Yesterday it was pretty painful at one point. What the heck is that all about? I have no idea what it is, especially now that the endometriosis is gone. And it's on both sides, so I doubt it has something to do with one ovary, like a cyst or something. I also had peak-type mucus yesterday, which complicates things. It's cd 25 today, so I had mucus on day 24. CD 24! Who knows, I might even have some today! But what worries me is I'm supposed to get my bloodwork done (if I can find a lab) on peak +7. So the seven days starts today (unless I have more mucus). My cycle might not even last that long. At first I was worried because I thought this would mess up my blood test, but then I realized I shouldn't worry because if something is wrong, hopefully the bloodwork will show it.

So I definitely didn't ovulate like normal this cycle, and I probably didn't ovulate at all. I can't wait to find out what is actually wrong.

I think I am really starting to get somewhere with my trust issues. I have felt more relaxed about it the last couple days. One thing I think I have going for me is that I've never really thought there was a chance I'd get pregnant each month. It's not a lack of hope in a bad way, I know everything is possible with God, but I tend to look at my situation more long-term. It's in God's hands, and I just have a feeling that his time is not in the near future. But if it is, then great! Maybe this is a bad thing, but I really don't think so. I think not stressing over each month is good. It's hard to explain. After so many years of this it's natural that you stop thinking this will be the month. Something is very wrong healthwise and hopefully we'll work on fixing it next cycle, or the next. I'm sure one day (hopefully soon) I will think there's a chance I could get pregnant each month.

Sorry if this is confusing. The important thing is that I'm not upset by this right now. That could change tomorrow, but today I'm okay. I'm also trying to focus on being happy with my life in the present. Thanks to infertility, I live my life waiting. I usually feel like the present time isn't worthwhile, that it is just a time that I must live through until I find out if I'll ever have biological children. I'm constantly thinking about the future. If I live that way I'll miss out on many years of my life and I'm quite sure it's not pleasing to God.

Trying to trust

I decided not to take an ovulation test today. It just makes me too crazy. I really, truly want to relax about all of this. It's getting to the point where I'm tired of being sad, angry, and worried all of the time. I've been praying for God to help me to accept His will, whatever outcome it may be. I've also been praying for Him to put adoption on my heart, if that is His will. I hope I can get to a point where I can be optimistic, hopeful, but most importantly where I can trust God. The main thing I need to remember is I will have answers, in God's time. One day, whether that day is a month from now or a year from now, I will know what is medically preventing me from conceiving. That problem - or problems - will either be fixable or they won't be fixable. We may try to fix them and then find out the treatments don't work. Or, it may come to a point where doctors say they cannot determine what is wrong. That is a possibility. I may adopt while the medical treatment is going on, or I may adopt once it is all over. Or I may get pregnant.

I'm not feeling too well today. I woke up with a sore throat and I still feel exhausted from the medication, like I'm a lead weight. Maybe it's not the medication and I'm just getting sick! I also have abdominal cramping though. I'm not sure what that is about, because it appears that I'm still not ovulating. I wonder if you get cramps when your follicle doesn't rupture.

The only thing I've done today, other than go to church, is bake (and watch t.v. of course). Here's a picture of banana chocolate chip bread I made today. I thought it looked pretty. I wish you could smell it!

Very sad

This isn't directly related to infertility, but anything having to do with life issues is important to me, so I wanted to post it. It's the transcript from a call made by a UCLA right-to-life student magazine, using an actor, to a Planned Parenthood in Idaho. It's disturbing, to say the least. (You can read the whole article here.) Thank God there are groups like this out there.. and on a college campus no less!

Autumn Kersey of Planned Parenthood in Boise: Good afternoon, this is Autumn.

Donor: Hello, Autumn, I'm interested in making a donation today.

Kersey: Fantastic!

Donor: What about abortions for the underprivileged minority groups?

Kersey: Oh, absolutely. We have, um, in fact, uh wonderful, fantastic news. We just received a very generous donation to our women in need fund.

Donor: Wonderful. I want to specify that abortion to help a minority group - would that be possible?

Kersey: Absolutely.

Donor: Like the black community for example?

Kersey: Certainly.

Donor: OK, so the abortionI can give money specifically for a black baby, that would be the purpose.

Kersey: Absolutely. If you wanted to designate that you wanted your gift to be used to help (an) African-American woman in need, then we would certainly make sure that that gift was earmarked specifically for that purpose.

Donor: Great. Because I really face trouble with affirmative action, and I don't want my kids being disadvantaged, you know, against black kids. I just had a baby; I want to put it in his name, you know.

Kersey: Mmhmm, absolutely.

Donor: So that's definitely possible.

Kersey: Oh, always, always.

Donor: So I just wanna - can I put this in the name of my son?

Kersey: Absolutely.

Donor: Yeah, he's trying to get into colleges, and he's going to be applying, you know, he's justwe're just really bighe's really faced troubles with affirmative action.

Kersey: Mmhmm.

Donor: And we don't, you know, we just think, you know, the less black kids out there the better.

Kersey: (Laughs) Understandable, understandable. ... Um David, let me, if I may, just get some sort of specific general information so we can set this up the right way. You said you wanted to put it in your son's name, and you would like this designated specifically to assist (an) African-American woman who's looking to terminate a pregnancy.

Donor: Exactly, and yeah, I wanna protect my son, so he can get into college.

Kersey: All right. Excuse my hesitation, um, um, this is the first time I've had a donor call and make this kind of request, so I'm excited, and I wanna make sure I don't leave anything out.

Confused - updated

Something isn't right. I had peak-type mucus again yesterday, despite having a negative ovulation test the day before. I thought I had already ovulated. So today I decided to take an ovulation test again. And...it was positive! It wasn't even close:



So here's how it has gone:

Tues-negative
Wed-positive
Thurs-negative
Fri-didn't test
Sat-positive

Does anyone know what this might mean? I tried to google it, but it's not an easy concept to condense to a search term. I know too much LH could mean PCOS, but that doesn't explain the negative test in there (not to mention that the last time I had blood work done my LH level was normal). It appears to be surging, stopping, then surging again. I have read that it is not out of the ordinary to have up to three or four positives in a row, so maybe I just didn't pee on it long enough on Thursday. I also wonder if this has anything to do with my follicles not rupturing. I had hoped this problem would clear up after my surgery, but Dr. Hilgers did say he thought the two things were unrelated. I really would love some answers on all of this, but I guess this is another opportunity to practice patience. I'll have answers at some point.

As for our first support group meeting this morning, no one showed! It was just the three of us, but that was fine. We went out to breakfast and had a great time.

Update - Fertilized's comment reminded me that I also had that thought initially, that the darker pink line isn't even a solid line. Maybe the test is screwed up, because isn't the line to the right supposed to be fairly dark all the time? I've never seen it so light before. If anyone has any expertise in this area, please let me know!
(Sorry, that wasn't much of a big "update." More of a "I'm really bored and looking far too much into this" type of thing.)

Support group, adoption and Sophie

Tomorrow morning is our first infertility support group meeting, so if you would, please pray for us. Although I have no doubt that this group will be a great success one day, I am not under any illusions that we're going to get a big group of like-minded women wanting to support each other through infertility woes tomorrow. We may not get anyone to show up, since that's always a risk when starting a new group at any parish. But that's fine. It's always good to start slowly.

I can't believe how thoroughly exhausted I still am from this medication! The best way to describe it is that I feel like I pulled an all-nighter, but that feeling never goes away. I really don't care, as long as it works, but I'm just saying.

I'm starting to feel more called to adoption (again). It scares me though, because there's this horrible habit I have of telling myself that if I start feeling like God wants us to adopt that He doesn't intend for me to get pregnant. I know that's delusional. I read this post from a blog I found through Jen from et-tu's other links blog. It instantly made me realize that there are children out there who are waiting just like we are waiting. Just like I am left waiting indefinitely - wondering if God will give me the answer to my prayer that I hope for - a child somewhere out there is waiting as well, wondering if God will answer their prayers and give them a family. They are waiting just like us, so why not end my suffering and the suffering of the child at the same time? This feeling lasted a couple minutes before I soon realized if I do adopt, I really want to adopt an infant, at least at first. It is the older children who are the ones waiting and wondering. Not to mention I remembered the cost of international adoption and other silly things, like I wouldn't want to fly to Ethiopia (I'm scared of flying) and I'd feel bad if my husband went alone (we have looked into Ethiopia adoption before). We'll see. I'll continue to pray to God will put this on my heart if it is what He wants of me.

I will leave you with a story and picture. The other day when we were unpacking, I found an Old Navy golf shirt that belonged to my sister's dog (my dog's biological brother) and I put it on Sophie. She looked sooooo cute. But later that day I looked at her and it was around her waist. This didn't surprise me, but then when I looked closer, I realized she had somehow managed to get her two back legs into the arm holes and the shirt had become pants! So here she is:

Isn't she precious?

Ovulation complete (let's hope!)

I just took another ovulation test, and this time it was negative. So I had one positive test this month. As far as I know, that is pretty normal! It was negative three days ago, positive yesterday, and negative today. I've had great mucus for over a week. So hopefully I ovulated!

I read online last night that my medication can take a few months to work, to start lowering prolactin levels. That's good to know, if it's true. It didn't bother me, either. I was just glad to read that, so I don't get my hopes up too much before that. Actually, it relaxes me a little to know that there's no pressure for a little while. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, well, I haven't even really begun working on correcting my hormones.

Can I also just say that I am so touched by all the comments and encouragement I've been getting from you all? I've been meaning to post about this for a while. I am constantly moved to tears by comments, not to mention posts on all of your own blogs as well. The thought that someone is praying for me, especially when you are dealing with this too, just touches me. This blog has been such a blessing to me because it has done nothing but boost my spirits, give me an outlet to vent, provide me with much-needed hope, and put me in touch with wonderful women who know exactly what this feels like. Not too long after I moved last fall, I remember praying for someone to be able to talk to about all of this, other than my husband. I had a couple good friends up north, but while we are still close, I don't really talk to them about this through email since we moved. So I really needed someone to fill that void. It was about a month later that I started this blog, and a month or so after I began I realized this was God's answer to my prayers. (Not to mention two women here asked me to start an infertility support group with them...that was an answer to that prayer as well!) It's just amazing how God works - when it is something that is part of your plan and beneficial to your immortal soul, He works fast and delivers big!

Positive ovulation test

It's day 19 and I just got my first positive ovulation test for this cycle. So that's not ideal, since it's not the "perfect" day 14, but it's also not bad. I'm not worried. I'd be worried if I didn't get a positive test at all! I also woke up with cramps, but I'm not sure if that has to do with ovulation because it was on both sides. It might be due to my medication, which is still making me super drowsy.

Last night I was feeling frustrated so I talked to my husband about it and realized my problem isn't with turning this over to God. I've already done that. My problem is with putting my trust in God. I know I've turned it over to His will because that's part of the reason I'm so frustrated. This problem has no solution that I can achieve on my own. Sure, I can go to PPVI, I can take medications, have surgery and do all of those things (although I believe God has lead me to do all of that). But ultimately, it is up to God whether I conceive. It is up to Him whether all of those things I'm doing work. I know this and it has caused me to feel completely out of control. I know.. this is God we're talking about. It's not like I'm putting my fate in strangers' hands who don't have my best interest in mind. But still, it's difficult to wait every day knowing that it might not be in my best interest to ever get pregnant.

Anyways, I am completely aware that this is up to God and I am under no illusion that this is up to me, fate, karma, mother nature, the universe or anyone else. So... the problem lies in me trusting Him. I will either get pregnant or I won't, and He will decide which it is. I'm scared to death that His will is that I won't get pregnant. I know I've said this before, but I can't possibly wrap my mind around the possibility of being okay with never having biological children. Right now I feel like I will always be broken-hearted about it and I don't trust Him that He will protect me and bring me joy any other way. I think I know more than God about this, I guess. I think I know myself better, I know I will never be able to have joy, I know I will fight it, I know I will have a horrible life. This is obviously not the right way to think, and God obviously knows way more than me, but I'm not sure how to change it. I've tried just pretending to believe it, but that hasn't worked so far. I probably haven't tried hard enough.

My husband said I spend too much time thinking and worrying about all the possible outcomes. He's probably right, but as I told him, I can't not think about them. It doesn't take too much thought to come to the conclusion that I will either a)get pregnant soon, b)get pregnant years from now, c)adopt, or d) never have children. It's not like it took me months to come up with that. But he's right that I spend too much time worrying about which one it will be. It's just so hard! I feel like I'm on a game show and there are four doors in front of me, with each of those four outcomes behind a door. Which door will it be? Well, unfortunately I have to wait not just through the commercial break to find out, but indefinitely. I just have to sit there and wait. It could be a month until I find out my fate, or it could be ten years. I think that's one of the hardest parts.

Perhaps the most useful thing my husband told me last night has to do with suffering. He said I need to rejoice each day in what God has done for me, including (perhaps most importantly) that He has allowed me to share in the suffering of His son. He also said I need to ask God every single day "what next?" Like each day I need to be open to doing whatever God wants of me, like volunteering for His next instructions. So I'll try to do that. Rejoicing in suffering might seem like an odd concept to someone who has never heard it before, but I've prayed and read a fair amount about suffering since all this began and I understand the concept and definitely see the value in it. I guess I'm just not practicing what I preach.

So I've decided I need to focus on what I can hope for and accomplish in the next few months. I will focus on discovering as much information about my fertility health as possible. I need to find out what else is wrong, what my current hormone levels are, if I'm ovulating, if my new medication works. That information is attainable (hopefully) and is a great thing to put my effort into. My focus shouldn't be on getting pregnant. So I feel good about that.

CD 17 (updated, since I can't count)

Well my new medication is still knocking me out. I have been beyond tired for the last three days. The good news is I somehow managed to clean out our apartment yesterday with my husband and didn't pass out. So finally what I've been dreading for weeks is over and tomorrow we have our walk-through with a staff member who we hope won't charge us hundreds of dollars for perceived damage, and then we'll be officially living in one place.

Today is cycle day 17 and I've had about three days of peak-type mucus so I took an ovulation test. It was negative, which wasn't really a surprise since it's only been three days of mucus. I've been really frustrated lately though. It's been 42 months since we've been trying. I have no idea how many cycles, since mine tend to be very long, but it's got to be in the high 30's. Three-and-a-half years. I'm just so tired of it all. When I begin to think how the fact that this has gone on so long means my chances are only getting lower day by day, I remember that I didn't start real treatment of any kind until last summer with my first laparoscopy. Everything before PPVI was a waste of time. At least the time that has passed is over with. Those are three-and-a-half years I never have to live over again, and I wouldn't want to. I just hope I don't have to live another three-and-a-half years of this. But then again, I'd go through many years of this if it ends with a pregnancy. It's the fear that this might go on for years and years and result in no babies that is at the heart of all of my frustration, anger, fear, depression, etc., etc.

I'm getting deja vu as I write this. I probably already wrote the exact same thing in another post, so I won't blabber on and on any more. Maybe it's the medication.

Since I've been posting photos lately, I'll end with a picture of two of my babies, Sophie and Carmie. And don't let it fool you - they hate each other.



Update - Well, it's actually CD 18, but who's counting?! And to follow up to Lifehope's comment, I would be very surprised if I'm at the end of my peak days because I usually have ten or more (that was pre-surgery...post-surgery I've had a much more "normal" 8-10 days, but still, I'm only at about five). I'm pretty sure I'm in the middle of my fertile days and will have a positive ovulation test in a couple days. Not that anyone cares, but since I have it in front of me, here are some more details: I had peak-type mucus on day 11, day 14, day 16, day 17, and day 18 so far. I usually have like ten days of peak-type mucus, and even though I skipped a day there on day 15, it was probably because I didn't follow PPVI protocol, like looking for it the right ways and at the end of the day and all of that. The fact that I skipped some day between days 11 and 14 worries me, because it could be my ovaries trying to kick start (like they used to when I didn't ovulate), but then again that usually happened at the end of my cycle. I'd have peak days on and off for over two weeks. So this isn't a big deal. I'm actually pretty hopeful, as hopeful as I get (which isn't much).

Fainting spells and house pictures

Well I started my medication yesterday - 2.5 mg of bromocriptine (parlodel) a day. I was worried about the side effects going into it, because I had heard certain forms of it are no longer available because of serious side effects. But I realized treating my elevated prolactin level could be the missing link to all of this, or at least one of the missing links, so of course there was never any doubt I'd take it.

So this morning we're in church and I'm kneeling during the Eucharistic prayer, when all of a sudden I felt really lightheaded. I shook it off and thought to myself, "that was funny, for a minute there I felt like I was going to faint!" But a second later I realized that the feeling wasn't gone, it was actually getting progressively worse.. fast. So I managed to whisper to my husband that I didn't feel well. I kept on kneeling, not sure what to do, but when my eyesight started to go I knew what was coming next. Twice before I have fainted (or nearly fainted; I never lost consciousness) and the last thing that always happens is I can no longer see because everything has turned to green. So when this started to happen I started saying a Hail Mary, but by "blessed art thou" I told my husband I needed to get out of there and I took off towards the back. I went outside and as soon as the air hit my face I felt better. I felt weak but other than that the feeling was gone. Thank God! After a minute of sitting outside, we went back in and I even received communion. So as soon as I got home I looked at the print-out that came with the medication and it actually said dizziness and fainting can occur when starting it! I figured it would say something about dizziness, but I didn't think it would be that specific! It warns you not to drive for a couple days and that some people even fall asleep without any warning. And these aren't rare, contact-your-doctor side effects. These were the common ones. I guess I should have read them yesterday! So today I'm taking it easy and probably won't drive until I feel normal again.

Well I am finally done with my living room, kitchen, office and bedroom (only one guest room left to go) so I thought I'd post some pictures. I already feel better having (most of) the boxes unpacked and we're getting back to normal. Now we just have to clean the apartment tomorrow and (most of) the move will be behind us!

Here's the "before" of our living room:



And the "after":



The "before" of our kitchen, or at least the eat-in area:



And the big reveal (note the curtains I made all by myself!):



Next, our bedroom and a close-up of more curtains I made (well, I actually got some help from Target. They started out as an $18 single panel I cut in two. They're kind of like the sewing version of that "Semi-homemade" show on the Food Network!)





And last but not least, the office isn't anything we spent too much time on, but I'm including a picture because it's the would-be nursery. Hopefully one day these newly-painted red walls will be painted over with a more baby-friendly shade!

Not quite human

So last night I was watching 20/20 and there was an interesting story about a pretty woman who gave off a really, really bad odor her whole life. She ended up discovering it was caused by a medical problem, but what struck me (and the reason I'm posting about it) was a comment she made in the interview. She said she spent her life feeling not quite human. That resonated with me because I realized that's how I feel. Not quite human. Not the same as the rest of the women in the world. Not able to function like humans are intended to. On the outside looking in at the rest of the humans, unable to experience one of the most truly human experiences - having children. Humans are supposed to procreate. If they didn't, there would be no more humans.

I know that's not true (most of it, at least) and I know I'm just as good as everyone else and all of that. But that doesn't change how infertility makes me feel. I'm not like everyone else. I'm not even like my husband - he's normal. He could have kids if it weren't for me. It's like the rest of the world is going along, doing human things like getting pregnant, and I'm just stuck here watching.

I'm not really doing too badly, so I don't mean to sound like I'm depressed. It's the middle of my cycle, so it's actually the most hopeful time of the month for me. I also don't want to take anything away from God's creation of me and all of us who struggle with infertility. I just happened to hear that comment last night and it made me realize how I've been feeling for quite some time, so I thought I'd mention it.

Put to the patience test

Why am I constantly surprised when my patience is tested this Lent? I did vow to work on it, after all. Today it was my sewing machine. I handled it okay, except for a moment of desparation when I questioned God's existence, but that was only a fleeting thought. I'm not kidding. My faith is, obviously, pretty weak. It wasn't just the sewing machine breaking down that made me question my religious beliefs; it was the sewing, which lead to thoughts of infertility, which lead to the old questions, "why does God not help me? Am I wasting my time praying? Is it all a lie?" I am admitting all of this because, for one, maybe it's my penance, but also because it lead me to embarassingly realize that I truly do only praise God when things are going well (actually, praise is a little strong. I should say I believe in Him when things are going well) and "going well" can mean something as insignificant as making curtains without interruption. How horrible. I am ashamed before God about this and I will work on it.

Earlier today I got nervous about my treatment and the fact that I'm not on any medication. (Actually, I just picked up my first medication tonight, so technically I'll be on one med starting tomorrow.) My husband thinks I'm crazy to worry about it, that just because others are on certain medications doesn't mean I need them, that I'm in good hands with PPVI. He's right. I think this is an example of me finding things to worry about. The way I should look at it as if I should be on something, I'll be on it sooner or later. And if it's the missing link we've been looking for, then I'll get pregnant at that time. Seems like it all boils down to patience!

Bad mood

I'm kind of in a rut today, just bummed out and feeling sorry for myself. I'm not even sure what to write in this post. I guess it's all of the boxes that are weighing me down. I'm so over the boxes. Not to mention things keep breaking. Our washer and dryer aren't working at the moment and it caused us to be in pretty bad moods tonight. It's hard because we just don't know enough to figure out what is wrong with them and we're really hoping we don't end up having to buy new ones, since they're only three years old. So not that God is up there focusing on our washer and dryer, but I prayed and gave it up to Him. So we'll see.

It's just that everything seems so hard and I feel very beat up by life right now. Why can't anything be easy? My husband was telling me a story today about an interview he heard on the radio about a father and son who each wrote books about the son's meth abuse and subsequent recovery. My husband said both father and son claim to be atheists, but spoke about how people always wanted them to find God during their difficult ordeal. The father talked about how at times he would cry out "please help my son" to no one in particular, but when the interviewer asked him if he was praying he said no, he was probably just hedging his bets. My husband's reaction was not only was he in fact praying (but probably didn't realize that his soul was crying out to its Creator), but that God answered his prayers! His son recovered and they are now doing interviews about books they wrote! How can they not see God's work in that? So as my husband is telling me this I immediately began thinking, God answered the prayers of a man who doesn't even believe in Him, yet isn't answering mine! I mean, doesn't the New Testament talk about the role of faith in healings and in answered prayers? I know I can't compare myself to others, and I'm obviously glad God helped that family (even if they don't recognize His role). But it's hard not to think these thoughts.

I just can't possibly understand why God would keep children from any couple. I just can't wrap my mind around it on so many levels. You enter into a marriage before God expecting to honor Him with children. Why would He not use us for this purpose? It doesn't make sense. I know these thoughts come and go and I'm trying not to have them run my life. But I think it's okay to voice them at times, especially in the context of this blog. It keeps me from crying and venting to my husband, which usually lasts a lot longer than it takes me to type this.

Maybe what set me off today is that I'm so sick of reading headlines about people who abuse and kill their babies. Today I read about how a mother left her two babies in a bathtub because American Idol was on and when one of her other kids went to check on them, one of the babies wasn't breathing. I believe the child survived (thanks be to God), but come on! How can God permit people like this to have so many children? I know that free will and original sin and all of that enters into it, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

So tomorrow will be full of emptying more boxes. I have to say that I can't complain too much because my wonderful husband has done the bulk of the work. We just have one bedroom packed full of boxes now, and our kitchen was taken over by boxes tonight when we emptied out our apartment's kitchen. When things are more set up and pictures and curtains are hung, I'm going to post some pictures here. I can't wait til we're all settled.

Some good news finally

After my super bad luck with labs a week and a half ago, I finally contacted two labs today that were appearing to be my last hopes. I had actually put off calling them for a week because I was afraid they'd say no! But they didn't! Well, one of them (the one actually located in Richmond) was more like a maybe. They said I need to get the kit from PPVI and bring it in for them to see if they can use it, or something like that. The other lab is in northern VA, about two hours from me, and they simply said yes! I hope it's not too good to be true. I heard about this lab from someone who read my post and was nice enough to have her sister-in-law, who had to have blood drawn and shipped to PPVI, email me about where she had hers done. So what I'll probably do is take the kit to the Richmond lab as soon as I get it, and if they say no, then I'll just go to the second lab when the day comes. Thanks to everyone who said a prayer for this!

I also momentarily lost my chart last night, but I found it today. See, I basically chart on a scrap piece of paper and keep it in a ratty folder that was given to me by my Creighton teacher a year and a half ago. I never have actual charts because she lives eight hours away and we only talk once every other month. She just sent me one a month ago, but I was actually two charts behind so I'm back to my scraps of paper. Not the best system. But I found it so all is good.

I also have to admit that I haven't picked up my new prescription from PPVI yet. Why?! I guess if I have to look deep within myself I would say I'm nervous about taking it, since I've heard it has serious side effects (I know nearly every medication does though). But maybe deep, deep down I'm avoiding it for the same reason I didn't call the labs until today - because I'm nervous it might not work. Maybe I'd rather have another failed cycle where I can say, 'well at least I haven't started any medication yet!' I know that's silly. It's not like this is the only medication I'll ever take either. Maybe I haven't picked it up yet simply because I'm too lazy to drive there.

Kinda a mess

So today we did the bulk of our moving. All that's left at the apartment is my clothes, food, and dishes. So I'm taking a break for the rest of the day and for the first time in about a week, I'm just sitting, watching t.v. The living room is all set up so if I just stay in this room I can ignore the other rooms full of boxes. I can almost pretend there aren't hours and hours of work ahead of us.

I am very stressed out right now. I'm trying not to break down and crash. I'm trying to remember to be patient. I definitely don't handle stress well, and when things are cluttered in my life, things become cluttered in my head. So right now that would mean my head is in complete disarray with some things in my apartment, some things in the new house, everything in boxes, including crap that should be dumped but we keep moving it from place to place. I can usually handle one stresser okay (that would be infertility, and "okay" is debatable), but if I add an additional problem, I lose it. So I'm close to losing it.

I'm starting to get those "it's-not-fair" thoughts in my head. Those are never good. I just want to be pregnant so much that it is driving me crazy. I know I need to be patient, but I am having thoughts of "what if I'm patient and it still doesn't happen?". I know this is very dangerous as well. I can only live for today and I cannot waste time worrying, crying and freaking out over something that I can't control and that I have no idea how it will turn out anyways. (I can type that, but I don't currently believe it.)

I know I should be happy as I sit in my new home, but like I wrote earlier, extra stress can sometimes put me over the edge. The other day I decided to paint the would-be nursery a color not conducive to a nursery. I decided I didn't want to live in a holding pattern waiting for something (ya, right, I couldn't imagine any other way) and if I do become pregnant, we'll be more than happy to paint the room ten times over if we had to.

So I held a baby today. It didn't bother me at all; maybe I am starting to feel numb, a feeling I've heard described by other bloggers but couldn't relate to. It was my sister-in-law's baby. Her life just seems to move at a much faster pace than mine - a normal pace. When I started dating her brother she hadn't even met her future husband, and wouldn't for a couple years. And then I eventually attended their wedding as her brother's still-not-yet-engaged girlfriend (honey, if you read this, I swear I'm over it.. I'm just illustrating a point) and then she waited to have kids for a few years while I tried and tried and tried. Now she has a three month old. It's nothing against her, of course. She's just normal. I'm abnormal.

Thank God I don't have a serious illness! Or that a loved one doesn't have a serious illness. And that I have a loving family. Sorry - just have to put it in perspective and remind myself it could be worse. I was feeling really sorry for myself.

This post is kind of a mess (reflective of me right now) but I should also mention I'm having some pain. I had pain the day I got my period, not nearly as bad as an endometriosis attack, but it was pain nonetheless. And today I had some pain (I think today is day eight maybe). Also for the second month I have had mucus immediately following my period. And last, but not least, I am having pain when peeing. Not a burning sensation that might indicate a bladder infection, but rather a kind of not-able-to-empty-my-bladder feeling - not pain necessarily, just not normal. I have had this feeling for more than a year now (which I assume was due to endometriosis on my bladder), but it has kind of gotten worse the last couple of days. My mom said to try drinking a lot of water. Sorry for all the details, but you never know, maybe someone else has experienced the same thing.

So during this post my husband helped to calm me down. He convinced me there's not that much to do with the house and, like I suspected, this lessened my infertility-related depression as well. Not to mention I cried a little and I always feel better after that. Plus, the Mets won their spring training game! Yay! Opening day's almost here!